Decision time is coming.........sigh

:( Hello everyone,
R is 43 I am 26. The problem is he is still married. He moved out over a year ago before we started dating. At first we were just friends, we had met through a couple of friends. We did not expect this to happen and neither one of us was looking for a relationship.

He been married twice. He has 2 boys. He is seeing a therapist about his trust issues. Both cheated on him. Anyway, He thinks I will leave him to have children(which I DO NOT want) or that I will cheat too.
We're both worried about the impact this will have on his boys. The decision he has to make is does he stay for the sake of his children and lose me forever or does he take chance with their future and stay when what we have is somewhat shaky at best. I told him that if I wasn't sure about us that I would not make that commitment.
A deadline has been set for Nov 11...........sigh, we don't know what to do.......any advice? If we stay we don't plan on wedding for at least two years.

Hello and welcome andreak,

Your questions seem to leave a lot of unexplained parts to me?
Why is there a deadline date for one? (giving deadlines is NOT good for a relationship) And the does he stay or does he stay part has me a bit lost (I assume you mean stay with you or go back to his wife?)

It sounds to me like he has pretty much made his choice IF he left his wife over a year ago. And I'm guessing his kids have figured that much out if hes not there.

This sounds more like he has gone back and IS living with her? And now you want him to pick either her or you. As for the children, well kids are raised by split parents everyday.

I can't say much about his trust issues other than trust to me is something that needs to be strong in a healthy relationship. So that is something you really want to work out before you get too deep.

Anyhow thats about all I can add until I get a better understanding of your questions.

Don

There seems to be some information missing...

Is he still separated from his wife (i.e. not living with her)?

Are they trying to work things out?

Does she want him back?

I will assume that they split up because she cheated on him. Why didn't they get a divorce? Does he think he should forgive her for the childrens' sake? Do they even have anything worth saving?

You entering the picture has definitely complicated his life, and not in a good way. I think that he has several decisions to make, and they must be made in a specific order. First, he needs to decide whether he is going to patch things up with his wife. In order for him to make that decision, he needs to consider only his relationship with his wife, not you. If I were you, I would probably tell him that you love him and want to be with him, but are going to step out of the picture until he makes that first decision.

If he decides that he can't go back to his wife because he can't trust her, or whatever, only then can the two of you figure out your relationship.

But, if he has already decided to divorce, then my statements above are moot.

Also, does his wife know about you? I would think that if she knew, then she wouldn't want him back anyway. Is he lying to her/hiding you from her?

More information please.

Emmie

Rolls, you beat me to it!!!

:)

Glad to see I'm not the only one who is confused!

LOL@emmie!

Maybe I just type slowly...

<<<........Counts words.....nope.....you wrote more!

Besides I think multi tasking is typing with TWO fingers...Remember!

Rolls...remember emmie gets paid by the word (in the real world), lol

The IrishKid.

PS...and on point, I agree..we certainly need to know more to help Andreak.

Irish!!! No I don't!!! I get paid a salary regardless of how many words or hours I work (so I make about $1.50/hour!). And the clients pay by the 1/10 of the hour, not by the word!!!

:)

E.G.

We all know that if you produced a 50 page contract with words no longer than 6 letters and in 2 pages...you would not be employed long. :-) Attorneys are known around the world for using 10 words where one will do.

Now I have to admit that your posts are very readable...and to the point...but your profession betrays you...and the words flow. Don't get mad at me...lol...afterall, you know what's in store for me when Lucky graduates...more words!!!!!

The IrishKid....(who has paid by the hour for too many words)

PS...now I am really duckin and runnin.....

LOL Irish!

The first sign of a poor writer is that they use 10 words where one will do. Clarity is key. I agree that many lawyers cloud their writing with shalls and heretofors and forthwiths, but that definitely does not make them good! People just use fancy-looking and sounding language to make it sound like they know what they're talking about (which they generally do not), or to make someone else look bad (which ends up backfiring).

And I am sure Lucky will not fall into that trap. But I will warn you that your days of winning arguments will be over soon. Good luck with that!

Emmie

LMAO......

In defense of lawyers, :eek: I can't believe I am about to say this,

you almost have to say it every which way you can think of.....

cause the way you don't is what'll HANG YA:D

Hello everyone,
I tried to put in as much information as possible but I was only allowed 1000 words. Oops, guess I read that wrong. Here is a little more info.

He is not living at home. Yes, stay with me or reconcile with his wife and move back in for the sake of the children. Yes she knows about me. We have had a few conversations. She said she couldn't take him back because she knows how much he loves me but that God wants them to stay together. She also told him she couldn't live with another woman(meaning me being on his mind) Yes she wants him back. She cheated Five years ago, confessed a year later. He kicked her out then took her back. He told her things would never be the same. and they weren't. In his heart of hearts he couldn't forgive her and he doesn't know if he ever will. He just lived with the pain.
Even she has said that she took advntage of him...He did everything...Cook, clean, laundry, yardwork, take the kids to practice, grocery shop, take the kids shoppping for school clothes and other items.
She thought he needed a "hobby" and asked what he would like to do. He said play the Bass. He's been playing for 5 years and is very good. She used to be involved, booking the band. Well now she's not because her religion says he's going down the worng path. She also said that the only way she would take him back is if he stopped playing.
They are not working on their marriage anymore. His is working on trust issues now. Their counselor "guarentees" that she can put their marriage back together. The counselor said that they either work it out or start divorce proceedings. All three set the date Nov 11 for him to decide. He has two other children from a previous marriage where she cheated also. They are 21 and 18. He has seen what that divorce did to them and doesn't want the same to happen to his two boys from this marriage. He really can't talk about our relationship with her (the counselor). We are not supposed to talk or see each other, we've tried and we just can't do it. (In response to emmie girl) I knew he was going to the counselor with V. to try to "work" thing out. I said okay. He called the next night. We see each other at least once a week.
She went online and found out that we were still talking(she had asked me to call her so that we could talk. From there she took my number and looked up his phone bill on line.) Even though we didn't talk often, he was the one to call. She said that she knew that i was still on his mind and in his heart because when they had their "date night" he wouldnt hold her hand, or try to kiss her and he would pay when he set up the date. He's not so much concerened about her as the kids. He adores them.....they don't know that "mom" cheated on dad and ultimately that's why he left. She told them that he left because of me. She knows that we were only friends when he left. I was someone he could talk to, I would listen to him. He's told her this. I asked during one conversation "Have you ever just listened to "R", just listened? and I mean not analyzing and turning his words around to suit you?" I love to hear him talk. He has said that a simple touch, a glance or a smile and everything is okay.........
I'm scared today. He had an appt with "C". When he got back he said that we needed to talk. we are going to get together this evening.
My gut feeling is if we stay together we will have a happy healthy relationship and his boys will be fine. When I think about going separate ways. My gut says don't do it.
Right now my gut says that he will tell me tonight that he is going back because he just can't take the chance of me breaking his heart (he couldn't take it again, especially from me.) and he can't take that chance with his boys future.
I've been "preparing" all day for the worst............Can you really prepare your heart knowing that it's going to be broke. I tried not to think like that but he didn't chat very much today and that's when I know he's going to tell me something that I won't want to hear............
I've had a lump in my throat since I read those words.
I will let you all know what happens.............Please pray for me and our relationship, heaven knows we need it..........

1st & 4most, welcome to the board.


SHOULD HE STAY WITH HIS WIFE, WHOM HE'S NOT HAPPY WITH?
OR SHOULD HE STAY WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND WHOM HE'S INSECURED OF? Hmmmmmmm.


In addition to all that the others have mentioned, my question is......If he's been seperated from his wife for a year, what's stopping him from getting a divorce?

As I see it, you're dealing with a guy, as a couple of other members here whom I've stated this to, who don't know jack**** about what he want. Unfortunately for you and he, this is not a matter that we can decide. He has to decide this for himself. And that's a big decision.

For starters, what alot of couples don't realize is that staying together for the childrens' sake is worst for the kids than better. Who else suffers when they see their parents unhappy and always arguing?

But what about his insecurities? That's another issue. He may always think that you're going to leave him. Maybe you will but maybe you won't. Basically, it's a chance he'll have to take.

WEll I think this relationship is starting on a very ROCKY road... You should definatly not involve yourself in a realtionship where he is bouncing from one to the other and besides he's STILL MARRIED... no matter what he's Legally married... and he no matter what has a strong bond with her because of the kids.... What I would do is assure him that you love him and want to be with him but not while he's married..... He needs to work this out alone or maybe with a therapist... but NOT YOU..... He needs to decide what he wants to do and stick to it... if he stays with her so be it and you move on.... ORRRRR.. he should start to detatch himself from her file for divorce, Get an apartment OF HIS OWN, and legalize his separation and THEN AND ONLY THEN he can love and be with you..... The way it is now.. I would run run run

Hello all,
Well things went as I thought. He said that he was going back and it was strictly for the kids. The agreement he made was that he would stay in the guest room, permanently. The counselor is one that "guarentees" that you will stay married. So he told her that he was going back for the kids and the arrangements that he made with "V". She asked how I would take it. He said not well. He told her about all the issues that we sturggle with and that yes I am struggling with them too. He told her that she has no idea who I am or what I'm about. The counselor asked him if I would wait for him until the kids were gone and out of the house. (You know, you would think that this counselor has better sense that to tell someone that they need to go back for the kids when she knows that he no longer loves his wife.) He told her that if he divorces the kids would be okay but they would be "better" if he stayed. He sees the influence that he has over them. He said his struggle is "his boys or his soul mate" If he went back he couldn't go back as a husband it would be business partners like before. The counselor asked him why he was going back then because this wouldn't be healthy. He said because she told him to. Plus a lot of his insecurities come from her. She is always telling him that I WILL leave him and that I WILL do what the others did. He knows that if I don't believe in my head and in my heart that we will be forever then I won't make that commitment to him. I have to be sure and he knows that right now I can't say yes or no.

I think you are right that he can't make that decision. He wants both. One of his sons has said that he wants to live with him. I think he wants "V" to say that if doesn't come back as her "husband" then she doesn't want him back.

I do understand what you are saying. He has asked me before what he should do but I've always left that to him. I've always known that if it came down to me or his boys which he would chose. I'm okay with that, even though I will feel like my best friend has died.

I mentioned to him before about why he hasn't filed for divorce. He asked himself this question, he answered that he feels that it severs the tie with his boys also, that commitment is with them too.....That's what happened with his other two children. Most of the time the damage had already been done.
"V" has an appt with the counselor by herself and he goes back on thursday. We'll find out more then.
He is renting a room from a friend. He is saving money to get a new place and to furnish it. The 11th is it.
My feeling is that they will start the divorce proceedings. One last note....We had discussed (in the beginning) that after the divorce that we would wait, we'd take it slow to be sure that this is what we both wanted. I don't know that after the divorce that he will change his mind about us. The same goes for me. If he does divorce and we stay together then things are going to slow way down.........It should be that way now, We've tried that too. We're both weirdos. Thank you for your advice. I will think of everything that both of you have said.

i just wanted to add that staying together for his sons will not make it easier for them than if he were to wait until when they are out of the house. my parents divorced when i was 18 and it would have been hard either way, but my parents both made the effort to stay involved with me even though i wasn't living with them, so it was okay. divorcing your spouse doesn't have to mean divorcing your kids if you continue to make the effort to be there for them. i agree with you that it is weird that the counselor would advocate him going back for the kids, everyone knows thats not a good idea. just because it is a "guarantee" or whatever? i don't understand that. just because two people continue to live in the same house doesn't mean that they are saving their marriage. i mean, being happier apart is better than being unhappy together, right?

anyway, i'm really sorry that you are caught in the middle of all this. i am hoping for the best for you in this, whatever happens.

Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to me that I can talk to all of you and get your honest opinions. I don't get that with friends and family. They just kind of say yeah, uh-huh. Although, there is one friend who's been there through it all and knows what I'm feeling. The others think it will fade.

Other than the kids and the divorce our biggest issue is children. He doesn't want to take that away from me even though I don't want them. We're both afraid that I might change my mind. He told me today that he sees me with one child. A girl with hair just like mine with a big smile and a cute little button nose. I kneel down to pick her up in a yard of lush green grass. This pleases him because he sees me as being a wonderful mother. When I stand the childs father puts his hand on my shoulder. He ("R") is a ghost, a memory. The father of the child is not his. But a tall and slender man who dresses as he would have.....

Even if there were a child or children, there wouldn't be anyone else. How could I give my heart to someone else when he holds it so close to his. How do I open it for someone else when he has the key. I coudn't marry knowing that he is out there still loving me. He knows that I will feel empty and lost.

My gut keeps telling me no to let go...........but the experts all say that I "WILL" change my mind about kids. I know that he is done raising children. He doesn't want to do it anymore. If I change my mind I know that he could not fill that need. I don't want to take the chance of breaking his heart. I won't do to him what the others did.

We love each other so much that we consider the other in all decisions.
...............How do you walk away from each other knowing that neither one wants to but at the same time not wanting to take the chance of breaking the others heart in the future........sigh.