That's It...

That's it. I cannot take this anymore. I'm angry, sad and confused about how something so wonderful turned into such crap.

I have tried for so long to study; apply what I learn to the outside world; use what I've learned and spread it around; share it with people. And what it boils down to is that all the stuff I say SOUNDS great. Just like Communisim sounded great to the barnyard in ANIMAL FARM. But the truth of the matter is that it simply doesn't work in real life. Not for most of us anyway.

Am I coming across as irrational? Good. Because I am. I am pissed and raging and completely irrational.

I have HAD it with "peace, love, joy and equinamity." How about a good old knock down, drag out, pain inducing *** KICKING. I am SICK OF THIS SHIT.

What am I rambling about, you ask? Hmmmmm....where do I begin?

Short of all of the communication issues Bill and I have had lately (which I will take responsibility for; I clam up when I have nasty things to say) let's add to this an argument about my FUCKING HAIR. MY HAIR. MY GODDAMN HAIR.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm a natural brunette. It costs somewhere around $170.00 to $250.00 per salon visit to keep me in Britney's locks. (Had a bad incident a month or two ago where my hair was bleached white and blah blah blah - but that's not the norm.) Money is tight right now, but Mr. Ken Doll insists that I still have blond hair rather than letting my natural (and rather pretty colored) hair grow. So...I go to the salon....then he *****ES about the cost of the hair color/cut.

And do you know WHYYYYY???? HMMMMMMMmmmmmm???? NOT because he didn't like the color (the expensive part) and NOT because he didn't like the cost, really - but because I didn't get it cut EXACTLY like he wanted to. HE said HE felt "ripped off." HE FELT RIPPED OFF because HE wasn't happy with the haircut that I got and paid for. Hmmmm...

Do you know that there hasn't been a morning when I left the house in this past month without crying; without feeling criticized; without feeling "enough"; without feeling like a prisoner to some bizarre control freak?

I don't *do* enough as far as he is concerned. In his mind he "does EVERYTHING" wah wah wah fucking wah.

Let me tell you something. I work my *** off all day long. He works his *** off for three hours and then gets off for the day until late in the afternoon. He has TIME to do things that can't be DONE IN THE DARK.

He whines about how he's the only person that does housework. Well, there are a few problems with that train of thought (a) it's a TOTAL FUCKING LIE and (b) when anyone *does* do something, it's not "enough." He never notices the fact that I've mopped, scrubbed and polished from top to bottom by the time he gets home sometimes...he never noticed that I cleaned out his filthy little kids' room BECAUSE IT HAD A MYSTERY STINK coming from it. He never notices that I AM BUSY EIGHTEEN HOURS A DAY WITH NO TIME FOR MYSELF AND NO "GROWN UP TIME" on the weekend. WE HAVE HIS KIDS EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND. EVERY EVERY WEEKEND. My weekends are spent in fucking ROMPER ROOM.

He asks my opinions about "our" home and then goes ahead and disregards anything I say anyway. I swear to GOD I think he gives me "choices" so that he can pick the exact opposite of what I like. "OUR" home that I pay part of the expenses for. Then he has the nerve to tell me that I don't contribute enough financially. As far as I'm concerned, I shouldn't HAVE to contribute to "our" finances as much as he does. I DON'T HAVE KIDS WHOSE COLLEGE I AM PAYING FOR, DO I??? Nooooo. I DON'T HAVE SCHOOL UNIFORMS TO BUY because I DON'T HAVE KIDS. I pay half of the mortgage and BOTH of our car payments, plus the auto insurance for BOTH of us as well. Hmmmm....but somehow, I don't contribute enough.

To top it all off, he and I had discussed me working with him in his business (which I already do, part time, anyway), it would've been a bit of a financial stressor at first, but it would've worked out well. But no...instead, he's letting some fat **** whom I hate take over where I was going to citing that it was financially better for us to let her do that rather than me. Fine. Good. I hope they enjoy each other's company. Yes....a fat *** at a health facility. Makes so much sense to me. She has no credentials either, by the way. She's jsut someone he "feels sorry for." I feel sorry for her too. She probably has a crush on him and he wouldn't look at her sideways squinty eyed.

Could I handle all of this??? Why not? I've handled it for well over a year now. Why, suddenly, am I angry and feel like throwing in the towel?

The misty veil of being "in love" has worn off, I suppose. Now I have to CHOOSE to love him and I don't think the sane part of my mind will allow me to conciously CHOOSE someone who constantly makes me feel beaten down. He's threatening me with "Well...going out there and finding someone else won't make you happier." WELL HELL...I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYONE ELSE. NOT FOR A MILLION GODDAMN HELL FUCKING YEARS. NO ONE. NOT A MAN, NOT A DOG, NOT A CAT, NOT A FISH, NOT EVEN A PLANT. NO ONE. I am going to be alone. I am sick to death of inter-emotional (new word) contact with other human beings. I am sick to death of getting my feelings hurt and getting disapointed.

I am frightened of how clouded my judgment was. He doesn't love ME...he loves what he's making me into and I've let him manipulate and mold me into something I'm not. All he's ever done is make me feel like: "If I could just accomplish this or that then I will FINALLY be perfect in his eyes...." but all he does is say things that make me feel like a "less than" human being.

And I am totally disregarded. HE FORGETS ABOUT THE AGE-GAP TOO OFTEN. I am working on building my retirement. I am 29 years old and shoul've started saving four years ago. But I didn't, so I'm making sure I start NOW. He's not worried about that or MY future. Not at all. If he up and died today, his house...a/k/a "OUR HOUSE"...would likely end up in the hands of his kids despite the fact that I've contributed more than half of its purchase (during the re-finance); his business would go...WHERE? Who knows...but I'd be left with nothing. Not that it matters, but when you label something as "ours" and you financially contribute to it, it's hard to see the logic as to why his kids get anything from it. (God, that sounds shallow, but I really need to think about taking care of myself as I get older...)

HE'S A Control freak. You guys might think it's silly to break up over an argument about hair, but I think it's apparent that he and I have more issues than HAIR burning on the stove.

I hate to disapoint you guys. I'm disapointed and devastated. I was SURE he was THE ONE I'd been waiting for forever. What I realize is that there ISN'T ONE FOR ME and I DON'T WANT ONE ANYMORE.

I don't need or want anyone to make me feel "complete." I'm sick of this shit.

I know I'll get over it; calm down; get embarrassed and apologize to you guys later for this (because you are, all great guys, despite what I'm about to say....but) MEN SUCK. I'm sick of it. I'm DONE with relationships. I'm done with LOVE. I'm going back to the evil monster ***** I used to be. People didn't step all over me and treat me like shit back then. THEY WERE TOO AFRAID. I'd rather be that than this simpering little sensitive mouse I've become.

Wow Happy!

I wish I had the inner strength to come out and say that! Hell...who knows if I could even think that....but to an extent I know what you mean. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. No one should. It's a cruel and lonely place to be. I hope through all your trials and tribulations, you will still come back here for any kind of support you need. I know it's helped me with me and D.

I don't blame you at all. That would make me want to throw in the towel as well. Especially when your not being recognized for all the things you do. You should be held up on a pedestal with tons of flowers! We all know how good you are...don't waste another minute anywhere where you don't feel appreciated.

I am here for you if you need me...ANYTIME! Hey, maybe you can move to Cali now!!! :D

A woman I know and care for a lot has similiar issues. Her ex was a major control freak (so I have been told).

She's been divorced and single for about 10 years now. She both wants and does not want any one in her life.

Guys can be real a@@holes. And the real control freaks, what they want is sex, a maid, a mom, and to 'feel' in control (not necessarily in that order).

I will say that there are both man and women of that caliber.

Sorry for ya Happy. Seems ya might have found one of 'em. To bad you can not tattoo it on their forehead.....

"WARNING:CONTROLLER MALFUNCTION" or something like that.

Chin up, move on if necessary... there are good guys out there. Hopefully you will recognize one when you run across him.

But you know, Em, I don't want flowers and a pedestal for doing my part of the housework, etc. I just don't want to hear that it isn't *enoug*. Believe me, I am NOT a lazy person. He makes me feel as if I am and I work myself into a frenzy trying to prove that I'm not.

And, as much as he is one of those "life is nothing unless you are working" kind of people, my approach is "do what you should and even more...but take a minute to enjoy what you've done." So, I guess he'll go find some other nubile thing...or else spend what REMAINS OF HIS LIFE living for his kids. Thank god for him that the last two are still too young to go off and live their own lives and leave him ignored yet.

Apparently, he can't enjoy anything I do, because he's only thinking about what I haven't done.

SWB...I like the tattoing idea. But I'd like to do it the way they do down in Polynesia. It hurts a lot more.

I'll still lurk, post and check up on all of you guys. It will be nice to hear about the ones that make it.

Happy...

Sounds like this is more than a rant and rave on a bad hair day. whoops...did I mention 'hair'. Now I AM on that bad list with all my fellow men...lol

IT is hard to face reality, Happy. I know it was for me. If you wake up tomorrow and still see thing pretty much as you describe them...then Run....don't walk away from that male. (he's not a man, if your description is anywhere close to reality).

As for becoming the b*tch from hell, them may be one or two alternatives consider. I always remember the thought that one friend left me...if you don't leave the relationship that is really not satisfying to you, you will never find the one that is.

Don't give up on men just yet...take a break...get yourself the way YOU want to be...and just see who is attracted to you...and who is attractive to you.

And by all means...let us know how the journey goes. I have read too many of your posts (and you have read mine) to let you fade into the sunset. (see, us west coasters are like cowboys at heart).

Best of luck Happy...

The IrishKid.

PS. repeat after me...

"It's not me...it's him"
"It's not me...it's him"
"It's not me...it's him"
"It's not me...it's him"
chorus
"It's not me...it's him"
"It's not me...it's him"
"It's not me...it's him"
"It's not me...it's him"
Second verse, the same as the first....ad nauseum. :-)

Wow, Happy. I didn't realize you were going through all this. I know how hard it is to finally admit that the man you loved is not the same as the man you're with. It sounds like you're ready to start loving yourself more though, and that always turns out good in the end. Take care of yourself and don't forget to keep us updated. :)

have I TOLD you lately how much I adore you? Ha ha ha. No. You are not included in "THAT" circle of men...errr...males.

I would say "circle of jerks..."but...well..that's just wrong.

I'll keep you posted and I won't go far.

Love,
Happy

http://www.othersteve.com/images/temper.jpg

Okay Happy, you're beginning to lose your name here.
Calm down, take a few breaths (or drinks), and literally beat the ever loving shit out of him.

You should feel better in no time.

Happy... BIG HUGE HUGS TO YOU SWEETIE..... I don't think your sill for breaking up with him over hair... because its NOT over hair.. it's the point... he is controlling and is trying to form you into his barbie doll... well sweetie you are a wonderful woman and I truely feel you should be treated a HELL OF A LOT better than this...If you don't contribute enough then show him how little you do .. stop paying completely.... then he will see... he will see once he loses it and then he will kick himself in the ***!!!! Girl be strong You are so much more than he'll ever be!!!!!

We Love You!!!!!

Sorry to hear you have problems :(
To me, it sounds like he wants to change you into someone who you're not. He should love you the way you are, regardless of haircolour etc!

Maybe he doesnt realise he comes across in the way he does? You could try talking to him or writing him a letter explaining how you feel. Sometimes things like that can really help because you can say all you want to say without things turning into a shouting match? Good luck :)

BD

I definitely think Happy is the best RANTER on the board.
When she gets on a roll... you know, I thought, this is going to be great so I pitter-pattered down the hall and made some popcorn and pitter-pattered back up again to the computer - then scooted back down for some other goodies - eventually settled back, and y'know?

I was not diappointed.

She's dynamite.

So many lovely quotes - also a whole new word, (which those that know and love her have come to expect) - and you know what?

Happy, it's perfectly okay for you to be angry.

In fact it's HEALTHY.

Just beware you rapidly aging over the hill TOTAL DRAMA QUEEN!

YOU ARE ANGRY AT YOURSELF

It's not about love letting you down or compassion letting you down or Bill letting you down (there's an appropriate movie that's just opened, isn't there?) - OR ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS letting you down or the Universe letting you down or the Hairdresser letting you down or the FAT ARSE at the health thingy whatever the crap multi-function polis that thing is, letting you down -

- YOU are angry at yourself.

And so you should be. For some godforsaken bizarre who-knows-what reason you have put up with VERY CLEAR CRAP that you have so aptly identified yourself - you have CHOSEN to put yourself in this situation and your NUMBER ONE ADVISOR (a.k.a -YOU) has shown themselves (a.ka. - yourself) to be seriously deficient in looking after, er, YOU.

So.

That ridiculous inner advisor (and how they got the job I don't know - just how closely did you check her references?) NOW WANTS TO BLAME EVERYONE ELSE but themselves!!!

She, (who advises you) would have us all believe that (a) all men are bastards (b) the universe stinks (c) love is seriously dementedly, insidiously out to destroy you (d) fat arses are taking your place everywhere you look (e) no-one appreciates you - and so on and so forth.

I would direct your "anger" - let's call it that for want of a better word, at your "advisor" (they who are trying to get you to turn on everyone and everything with hatred which your heart knows is baloney advice) - and tell that advisor to take a hike.

Your new advisor, who has been watching in the wings and LEARNING HEAPS about you - can step into that place between your heart and your head and start making some better choices for you - without rancour, hatred, bitterness and spite.

Of course, the new advisor will most likely say that Bill still has quite a hook into you.

That will have to be negotiated. Because you are quite clearly jealous of any female who comes within 2.3 yards of him. You wanted Captain Studly - who apparently is desirable to a great many women - to CLAIM YOU as his QUEEN, unconditionally and totally - for everyone to see it and know it and for you to rise above the massive throng as supreme commander in chief of all you survey in South Carolina. And when they finally buried you (at age 120 with a very healthy retirement nest-egg) they chiselled VALIDATED on your tombstone.

It will only be when your new inner advisor convinces you that Captain Studly is not the catch you think he is - that you will start to let go. You know yourself that he isn't cracked up to be what you idealised him to be.

I've been there. I know what it feels like.

And I think your ANGER is you realising that you duped yourself.

That's healthy. Realising that you duped yourself is very enlightening. It breaks down the fantasies that you carry and it starts to pave the way to a far more beautiful future which you thoroughly deserve.:)

Now, you know how much I care about you - don't beat up on yourself too much and don't beat up on the world too much - there is an inner part of you that is so funny and refreshing and strong and willful (even in times of distress it BEAMS THROUGH FROM YOU) - just know that you are so respected and admired - and we hold you high above the throng - exalted -

...right here.:)

wow Happy, I'm sorry to hear about all this. It is good that you've come here to rent. I hope you are feeling a little better each day. I know sometimes you can just feel so fed up with everything and you just want to give up. Maybe you need a little break from him. I can sort of see where you are coming from, having read your other posts (even though I have not been through stuff like that)- I just want to give you a big hug!!

Good for you, Happy.
Take some "you time," mellow out, figure out what you want in your life to make yourself happy. Being controlled/demeaned/disregarded is not what love is about. Better to figure this out now than later.

We're with you sister.

Emmie

Did you ask yourself that question one more time Happy? I'm guessing you finally got a different sort of answer, but as I'm arriving late on the scene I could be wrong.

No one can ever condemn you for trying all that you could try, and not giving up, and believing that love=work, and caring enough to put in that work....

And now is the time for new questions...

Where do I go from here?

What do I need?

What do I deserve?

How can I get from here, wrercked, to that happy place where I am surrounded by what I want, and need, and deserve?

My dear friend, never ever underestimate the depths of strength that you have within you. Giving up is never JUST giving up...it's making way for new experiences, new ways, new life....

And that's all, for now.....

Much love, Happygirl, you're in my heart.

happy, i am really sorry you are going through this whith this guy. i know that you know what is best for you, and i hope that you will be able to have your own hair in peace at some point soon.

He's threatening me with "Well...going out there and finding someone else won't make you happier."

this part of what you said really hit a button with me. when i was with my ex and was depressed about everything under the sun, that is exactly what he said to me. i left anyway, and you know what? he was dead wrong. well, not that i left for someone else, BUT the day after the last time we spoke was the day my life turned around and i started feeling like myself again. i don't know all of the specifics of your case, but for me, i had absolutely no idea how much it sucked until i got out. he also said that there was no way that leaving him would make me happy, basically that i was going to take my problems with me wherever i went. this is not true, not for you, me, or anyone.

you certainly have your own destiny in your hands and can CHOOSE your path. and i think that you are doing the right thing saving your money and looking to support yourself in the future, you are the only one who you can depend on sometimes, so way to look out for yourself!!!

Wow. You are way, way too smart for this assclown. WAY. It's one thing to try to please someone in the name of love, but pretty much everything you vented about is definitely over the line of taking advantage and manipulation. I don't know who Bill thinks he is, or how he ever convinced you, but tell his selfish leeching ***, and the stinky asses of his super-annoying kids, to go straight to hell. Please tell me you're done catering to these- these PEOPLE. (For lack of a kind word.) Pleeeeease promise me you're leaving. And tell Bill he's full of shit, too. Does he really think you can't find anything to make you happier than an aging wannabe playboy who's abusively demanding and has saddled you with the task of tending a bunch of manipulative kids you don't even LIKE? My GOD, if that isn't the definition of happiness itself!!! What a moron! Seriously, the thing that makes it so comical is that I can tell he actually BELIEVES what he's saying! That's the worst part of all. RUN. For the love of all that's right and holy, don't give up on yourself, GIVE UP THE PRICK!!!!

RUUUUUUUUUUNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is an extremely rare occurence...

... very, very, very...

RARE OCCURENCE.

Very rare.


Occurence.


Rare.

I have re-read my post in this thread to Happy and I am going to say (and you can print this out and gold-emboss it and frame it because you won't see this very often at all from me) that the sentiments I expressed were not the correct sentiments at this particular time.

Yes. You read correctly. Not the right sentiments for her to read at this particular time in her life.

At some other time, yes.

Not this time.

If my post made her feel just a little bit more alone, rather than a little bit more comforted and supported - then that was a mistake.

If she wants to hack Bill to shreds with a chainsaw, shove the pieces into cannisters - fire them into the air and BLAM them with a shotgun - if ALL men are bastards (for now) (at least for a time)

... then that's fine with me.

I support HER feelings about HERSELF and HER LIFE 100%.


:)