Fork in the road....EEK!

I have known this was coming for a long time, in fact I knew it before Baker did. But now the time is quickly approaching when his son will move in with him, and I have suddenly lost all perspective on the matter. I need some words of wisdom from others in similar situations/others who have common sense to offer.

I've always known that his son would be with him full-time eventually. I've known that for a year. I also know that children are a strange animal to me, as in, I'm partially afraid of them and partially annoyed by them. I'm not a natural anything when it comes to being around kids. I'm only 22, I've never had any parenting or child-tending experience other than being the oldest kid. I know my brother and sister, but every other kid seems like a different species. I have no idea even how to act around his kid, and I'm sure it sticks out like a sore thumb. For some reason, his kid has decided that he likes me, which makes things even worse! I don't see what there is to like about me that I've done, other than the fact that I have no idea about directing kids so I just don't. Basically all I know how to do is goof off. I don't think this is a good thing.

On to the pseudo-dilemma: We've kind of been talking, i.e. beating around the bush, about me moving in with him in the near future, like after I graduate. That was a big enough thing to think about, and now with the whole kid thing, it's become monumental. I realize that you don't have to have been an actual parent in order to qualify as a stepparent, in fact you don't have to qualify at all. This scares me. I wonder if I'd be a bad influence, if our different relationship would be a bad influence, if I'd have any idea what to do if I lived with a 12 yr old. I really can't imagine the word "stepmother" being applied to ME, because I'm not a mother in any sense of the word right now. I am deathly afraid that I would screw something up, his life, or my life, or everyone's lives, and ruin the relationship in the process. The only thing I can think of to do is just not move in until I feel more comfortable with the situation and more secure in my own ability to handle things, but the way that's looking, it might be an unrealistic amount of time. :rolleyes: Like thousands of years. What is the right thing for me to do? Should I just accept that for this reason, we're not going to be living together anytime soon, but continue with the relationship? Or should I maybe just try to move on? (I really don't want to "move on".) I don't dislike his son at all, and I've always known this would be a package deal....but I feel like a complete idiot when it comes to knowing about kids. What is a stepparent's role, anyway? I know I'm not supposed to be a mother, but I am supposed to be something and I have no idea what that is. Truthfully I'd feel a lot more like a stepsister than anything, and I worry that maybe that would be a sick environment for a kid to grow up in. I don't think I'm old enough to offer anything worthwhile to a kid. I fear I would be a stunning failure, an obvious fraud. Then again, I wonder how anyone learns to be comfortable around kids unless they spend time with them. I mean, it's not like you can take a class. How do the other younger women deal with their man's children? Is it weird? Does it get better? Do you feel out of place? Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror in terror and think "what have I gotten myself into?" I know I'm not too young to be in love. But suddenly that's not the most important thing. It's, am I old enough to be a role model? I think this is very important, and no matter how uninvolved I could try to be, my presence would change the environment, and I don't want it to be for the worst.

I know I'm not supposed to be a mother, but I am supposed to be something and I have no idea what that is.

Be YOURSELF.

A glistening jewel of wisdom that should descend on you as you get older is the thought that, really, you can only ever just be you.

When you're young (generally) you haven't really worked out who you are, what to do, what to think, etc... (it's ongoing believe me, but more pronounced in youth) - in your instance you're wondering, how does a mother behave?

I have visited numerous first-time mothers in hospital right after the birth of their child and seen the look of confusion on their faces as they suddenly have a helpless infant in their arms, ten experienced women standing around looking - and NO IDEA on what to do next.

That passes quickly.

A young person will usually sit at a table of, say, eminent psychologists for dinner and be totally consumed by wanting to "appear" to say the right thing, "act" intelligent, amusing - knowledgeable... totally fret if a question is thrown their way for want of answering it in just the "right" fashion...

...when you're older you generally have no qualms at all with saying "I have no idea what you're talking about." (Actually you decided long ago to skip these dinners.)

Baker's kid likes you, no doubt, because you're not "pretending" to be anyone and certainly not "pretending" to be his mother.

I advise you that if you want the kid to turn on you and think you're a jerk, the best thing for you to do will be to "assume" some phony guise. Kids can smell a fraud a mile off.

Just be you. If you like to hang upside down in your underwear for an hour a day - so be it. If you're opinionated on certain issues, that's fine. If you dress up like a Tortilla Chip when you do your Tai Chi I'm sure he'll find that interesting.

Datura, he knows you're just one of 7 billion people in the world (all unique and all flawed) - you don't have to be some beacon of motherly perfection (BTW - you're not his mother) (that beacon doesn't exist) - you're just a cute, intelligent, interesting, challenging, good hearted female in his life. (P.S.- There'll be lots.)

I wouldn't want you to encourage in him the qualities of anger and hatred, fear and loathing - I tend to sway towards love, compassion, understanding and peace, but that's just...

...me.

:)

I have a 18 year old stepson... so I unfortunatly do not know about it with bakers son because he is 12 and it's a huge different... we don't get a long but that's because I have an 18 year old who doesn't work.. does cruddy in school... does not much in the house... he tries sometimes but its always a fight or an arguement or whatever..... drives me nuts.. I completely lost patience and my understanding.. but where he is at that age.. it will be so much easier for you to earn his respect... Just be you.. be his friend.. Let baker be disciplinary... and communicate to baker all the time... make sure you are in agreement with him at all times... don't take things upon yourself.... If he does something wrong just tell him and baker... but just be yourself...does he have a mother?? one that's active in his life??? If so you got the best job you can be his friend you don't have to be his mother....

Hey there,
I can relate a little. I was 20 when i got involved with my now ex. He has 4 kids....LOL...so one doesn't seem that much to me. I practically lived with them for a year and a half and all 6 of us shared a bathroom. It was a culture shock for me since I grew up kinda upper middle class. But anyhow, the love in your relationship is the perfect thing. The main point I have here is that my ex and I weren't going to make it, irregardless of the kids. It was actually harder breaking up with him because I felt like I was breaking up with 5 people, not 1. But he and I just had too many differences and I wanted something different for myself. Good luck to you. :)

I understand your fears and applaud you for giving such serious consideration and care to a very important issue. I agree with the posters here, just be yourself. I don't consider myself "maternal," yet I married a man with a young child and spent the first two years of my marriage helping him to fight his ex to get joint custody of his son. I love my husband and since this issue was important for him and his son, I willingly did my best to help. Though being terrified initially around his son (who was 10 at that time), in time we've developed our own relationship and I've grown to love him for the unique person he is. What I"ve learned is that kids are not like adults - they don't come with too many prejudices and biases toward people. They're pretty willing to give anyone a chance. Just love his dad and treat his dad with respect. In time, you and him will develop your own relationship that works too. I can't emphasis enough, don't try to be something you are not. His dad loves you for a reason and I'm sure the son will find his own reasons as well.

Good luck.

I won't lie...it was tough to begin with...I met D's son L when he was 12...and boy did he grow up to be a handful...but he liked me. He talked to me more than he did his own father.

I was over there all the time, and he trusted me...but knew that if it was something D had to know...I wasn't going to cover for him.

It will take time, and like you said, you've known he was a package deal...so give it a chance.

All the best,
EM