EMCAD80
10-31-2003, 10:25 AM
I thought this might help...a little....it did for me ;)
Nearly all of us have had past relationships that just didn't work out and many of us have had that one failed relationship that is so hard to let go of. You know the one that you thought would last for ever and should never have ended. The one that felt like true love. This month's article talks about this type of relationship and how to finally let go of it.
When your partner was at their most lovable they met all of your needs and seemed to be a perfect fit. This person seemed to be made for you. If they could still be that way you would still be with them now, you feel. Those times when your partner was everything you needed are very hard to let go. You have been looking for that kind of a match all of your life and now you feel that it has slipped through your fingers. You feel as if you'll never find such a great love again.
Here was a person who could meet all of your requirements. They could give you everything you wanted in the way that you wanted and now they won't. They used to but now they're not prepared to and that hurts! You might have tried to force your ex into giving you what they've taken away - you might have tried threats, emotional blackmail, subtle reminders of how things used to be, you may have gone through counselling or therapy. You've tried everything possible to make your former partner everything that you wanted for 100% of the time.
Finally you made the decision to leave the relationship. You knew that you deserve more than a mere fraction of what you wanted, so why are you so attached to your ex-partner? You remain attached/attracted because you never got your partner to fulfil you needs completely, so you feel as if you've failed. You feel as if not getting what you wanted was your fault in some way. You feel as if, if you were better in some way/good enough for your partner you'd get the love you seek, all of the time. After all he or she did give it to you some of the time.
It is not easy to move onto another relationship after such an experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new. It is hard to believe you will have such love and passion with anyone else. At the same time, it is hard to trust that you will somehow avoid hurt the next time around.
One of the things that keeps you obsessing about old relationship is anger. Most of us feel extremely frustrated when someone has something we want but won't give it to us. We feel even more upset when it's something that used to be ours. Let's look at what happens when the person who won't play ball is your (ex) partner. As far as you can see, it would be very simple for him or her. It may look like he or she is not doing what you want for no reason, just to be difficult, or to spite you. How do you feel in this kind of a situation? Most people would feel enraged, and justifiably so. But holding onto anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way, so anger is likely to be one reason you may have difficulty letting go of your past relationship.
There is also another reason why it's hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. You may have had the most incredible connection. Maybe you loved each other intensely. Maybe you still do. The only problem in the relationship was that your ex could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you.
This is one of the hardest connections to let go, particularly if you still interact with the warm caring side of your ex. Having to walk away from this kind of relationship may be agonising. It is far, far easier to walk away from someone who no longer cares for you. Unfortunately for you, you both care for each other deeply. To let go of someone who loves you, and whom you love, is an incredible task. Yet you must let go if the relationship is no longer working. If you are to find happiness and fulfilment with a new partner, you must let go of you ex completely.
So how do you let go of the partner who seemed to be 'the one'?
The first step is to understand that your partner was doing their best. They would have given you the relationship you desired if they could. Unfortunately they couldn't. Even if they appeared to say some rather vicious things to you, unless you were in an abusive relationship, they were still doing they're best. They may merely have felt trapped, threatened, uncomfortable and manipulated and retaliated to protect themselves. However, the fact that they were doing their best does not imply that they were the right partner for you, so you must forgive your ex and yourself and move on.
You need to understand that your ex-partner's unacceptable behaviour was not your fault. Sometimes (s)he was wonderful and sometimes (s)he was horrible. And all of the time he was who (s)he is. There is no way you could only have his or her good side. His or her bad side was distressing. End of story. Let your ex off the hook.
Secondly, do something to honour and cherish the powerful connection between the two of you. In fact, you may need to honour that connection for a long time. There was a wonderful part of your ex, the part that you loved and that loved you fully, in return. There was love for you, there may still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex.
How do you honour the connection to your ex? By using it as a model for moving forward. Use the gift of the connection as an inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future partners. Congratulate yourself on your ability to attract a partner who could give you all that you could ever wish for, for some of the time. That's a great ability to have - build on it. You are attractive and strong enough to bring a relationship into your life that will satisfy your needs 100% of the time.
For those of you who are into love and light you might like to try the following exercise. To let go of anger you can try sending thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss your ex, send them love. In these ways you can still love your ex, while keeping your distance and protecting yourself from their hurtful behaviour. Once you can let go of your rage you will find it far, far easier to let go and move on. You may find yourself ceasing to think of your ex altogether.
If you find that carrying out the above exercise makes you want to return to your ex please be aware that this is not an exercise to change your ex's behaviour. He or she might treat you better if you're easier to be around. This does not mean that their behaviour towards you will change within the context of a romantic relationship, however. It most likely won't.
Nearly all of us have had past relationships that just didn't work out and many of us have had that one failed relationship that is so hard to let go of. You know the one that you thought would last for ever and should never have ended. The one that felt like true love. This month's article talks about this type of relationship and how to finally let go of it.
When your partner was at their most lovable they met all of your needs and seemed to be a perfect fit. This person seemed to be made for you. If they could still be that way you would still be with them now, you feel. Those times when your partner was everything you needed are very hard to let go. You have been looking for that kind of a match all of your life and now you feel that it has slipped through your fingers. You feel as if you'll never find such a great love again.
Here was a person who could meet all of your requirements. They could give you everything you wanted in the way that you wanted and now they won't. They used to but now they're not prepared to and that hurts! You might have tried to force your ex into giving you what they've taken away - you might have tried threats, emotional blackmail, subtle reminders of how things used to be, you may have gone through counselling or therapy. You've tried everything possible to make your former partner everything that you wanted for 100% of the time.
Finally you made the decision to leave the relationship. You knew that you deserve more than a mere fraction of what you wanted, so why are you so attached to your ex-partner? You remain attached/attracted because you never got your partner to fulfil you needs completely, so you feel as if you've failed. You feel as if not getting what you wanted was your fault in some way. You feel as if, if you were better in some way/good enough for your partner you'd get the love you seek, all of the time. After all he or she did give it to you some of the time.
It is not easy to move onto another relationship after such an experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new. It is hard to believe you will have such love and passion with anyone else. At the same time, it is hard to trust that you will somehow avoid hurt the next time around.
One of the things that keeps you obsessing about old relationship is anger. Most of us feel extremely frustrated when someone has something we want but won't give it to us. We feel even more upset when it's something that used to be ours. Let's look at what happens when the person who won't play ball is your (ex) partner. As far as you can see, it would be very simple for him or her. It may look like he or she is not doing what you want for no reason, just to be difficult, or to spite you. How do you feel in this kind of a situation? Most people would feel enraged, and justifiably so. But holding onto anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way, so anger is likely to be one reason you may have difficulty letting go of your past relationship.
There is also another reason why it's hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. You may have had the most incredible connection. Maybe you loved each other intensely. Maybe you still do. The only problem in the relationship was that your ex could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you.
This is one of the hardest connections to let go, particularly if you still interact with the warm caring side of your ex. Having to walk away from this kind of relationship may be agonising. It is far, far easier to walk away from someone who no longer cares for you. Unfortunately for you, you both care for each other deeply. To let go of someone who loves you, and whom you love, is an incredible task. Yet you must let go if the relationship is no longer working. If you are to find happiness and fulfilment with a new partner, you must let go of you ex completely.
So how do you let go of the partner who seemed to be 'the one'?
The first step is to understand that your partner was doing their best. They would have given you the relationship you desired if they could. Unfortunately they couldn't. Even if they appeared to say some rather vicious things to you, unless you were in an abusive relationship, they were still doing they're best. They may merely have felt trapped, threatened, uncomfortable and manipulated and retaliated to protect themselves. However, the fact that they were doing their best does not imply that they were the right partner for you, so you must forgive your ex and yourself and move on.
You need to understand that your ex-partner's unacceptable behaviour was not your fault. Sometimes (s)he was wonderful and sometimes (s)he was horrible. And all of the time he was who (s)he is. There is no way you could only have his or her good side. His or her bad side was distressing. End of story. Let your ex off the hook.
Secondly, do something to honour and cherish the powerful connection between the two of you. In fact, you may need to honour that connection for a long time. There was a wonderful part of your ex, the part that you loved and that loved you fully, in return. There was love for you, there may still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex.
How do you honour the connection to your ex? By using it as a model for moving forward. Use the gift of the connection as an inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future partners. Congratulate yourself on your ability to attract a partner who could give you all that you could ever wish for, for some of the time. That's a great ability to have - build on it. You are attractive and strong enough to bring a relationship into your life that will satisfy your needs 100% of the time.
For those of you who are into love and light you might like to try the following exercise. To let go of anger you can try sending thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss your ex, send them love. In these ways you can still love your ex, while keeping your distance and protecting yourself from their hurtful behaviour. Once you can let go of your rage you will find it far, far easier to let go and move on. You may find yourself ceasing to think of your ex altogether.
If you find that carrying out the above exercise makes you want to return to your ex please be aware that this is not an exercise to change your ex's behaviour. He or she might treat you better if you're easier to be around. This does not mean that their behaviour towards you will change within the context of a romantic relationship, however. It most likely won't.