Im new here

Hi everyone,

I am a 19 year old female in a relationship with my so for more than a year. I have known him since I was 16 years old, we remained friends until I was 18, and then started a serious relationship with one another. There are many people in school who doesn't seem to mind that he is 19 years older than me, most of which was fine about it, which i love. I know in life I will loose some friends and gain some.

I have read posts here from time to time, and I know this is a very supportive environment and I love it.

I have this one issue thats been bothering me about my so for a while, I have talked to him about it before but he tells me that its not a big deal and that he loves me.

See my so one day left his email opened, and I happened to glance over it, he was talking to some other girl, and I didn't mean to invade in privacy, but I happened to see what he wrote and it bothered me a whole bunch, so I asked him about what was going on, and if he was having an online affair, he said no.

In the email he said that " you jsut got offline and im already missing you already". I know sometimes it doesn't mean anything, but it bothers me a whole bunch. I was wondering if you guys can help me?

Hello and welcome Grace,

As for you just got offline and im already missing you already Wow! Thats a big one in my book....but I guess it could be I'm reading it wrong as well. I don't personally see how it could be anything other than him having a relationship on the side with her.

I have many friends online as well myself, but NONE that I would post that to in an email. I will add too that my one online friend IS female and is what I would consider a best friend.

Even still the most that I could think of saying along those lines in an email would be more like....I haven't seen you online lately and have missed talking with you!....Or something like that. But for him to be emailing and saying, you just got offline and I miss you. Well that speaks for its self!

You say this happened some time ago, maybe he has since stopped contacting her and changed his ways. And maybe this was before the two of you had become totally involved with each other. I'm not sure of all the points surrounding the issue, but best of luck and hope you'll re-post with a bit more information.

Don

I'm with Don.



We're a gay couple.

No, what I mean... is that I'm with him - support his sentiments.

Grace - if something bothers YOU - then that's perfectly valid.

That is, YOUR FEELINGS are important and YOU stand up for what you feel is RIGHT FOR YOU.

However, since you asked - (and I presume your SO was talking to a woman on-line and not a man - because THAT opens up a whole other can of worms) -

- I can't see any normal reason (other than what a pathological liar could provide) - why someone would say "you just got offline and im already missing you already" - unless they are (a) deceiving you in some way or (b) deceiving the on-line person in some way.

If it's still bugging you then you have not received an adequate explanation or a lie that you totally buy into.

In my book that's a big deal, not a little deal (remember, if someone's lying they'll ALWAYS try to play it down or make YOU feel as though it's all in YOUR head or YOU'RE being irrational or unreasonable) - the thing is, stand up for yourself and as always... DON'T STAND FOR ANYTHING BUT THE VERY BEST FOR YOURSELF. YOU DESERVE IT.


*Apologies to Don.:)

(He's a hetero stud.)

Grace,
Sorry to say this, but unless there is some very believable reason for writing that to someone (like his sister or mom or daughter), then he is lying.

Perhaps this is a somewhat cynical view, but I think that a man confronted with cheating is going to deny it about 98% of the time. In fact, I knew a guy from school a few years ago who had (and still has) a serious girlfriend. I knew (as in had verifiable information) that he was cheating on her with several other women from school, and I asked him about it. He said that they weren't married, and that he had a theory:
Deny
Deflect
Make counter-accusations

And yes, he is pretty scummy, and no, I did not and do not condone his actions.

My opinion = he is lying.

She's a liar! I mean... a LAWYER!!!

(Just my accent.)

So I'm with emmie as well.

I like the reference to "Deny" "Deflect" and "Make Counter Accusations" -

- everything BUT "TAKE RESPONSIBILITY" or "BE ACCOUNTABLE"!

They'll NEVER do that.

Unless they're really cornered, exposed and totally humiliated and have exhausted ALL possible excuses and blamed EVERYONE in the world (even those unborn) - then they'll resort to the sobbing sympathy strategy -

- and see how much purchase they can get there.

Originally posted by Spunkasaurus
Unless they're really cornered, exposed and totally humiliated and have exhausted ALL possible excuses and blamed EVERYONE in the world (even those unborn) - then they'll resort to the sobbing sympathy strategy -
- and see how much purchase they can get there.

Spunk, Did you know my EX personally by any chance???

Don, you'd be the one to fill me in on what comes AFTER the sobbing sympathy strategy. What do they turn to when that one fails?

Originally posted by Spunkasaurus
Don, you'd be the one to fill me in on what comes AFTER the sobbing sympathy strategy. What do they turn to when that one fails?

Well with the EX it was..........rather than admit to being human.
Break into a total fit about how their the worst person on this planet. How EVERYTHING they do everything they say everything is all their fault, their total screwups and nothing they do will ever be right!

Yes they admit they were wrong then.......along with saying they have been wrong about every breath they have made since their birth!

See that way they are so busy with the oh woe is me I'm such a bad person....that they have still pushed the actual admitting of that one little wrong away from themselves once again!

Works like a charm!

Spunk,

The next step after the sobbing sympathy is to blame the other person for having the nerve to find out (by spying or otherwise snooping). See, deflect! Make counter-accusations! Bring up some ancient historical wrong committed by either your SO or their people!

Hmph.

Yep, so it's actually an infinite loop.

Which in a way is understandable. If we believe that everyone is the way they are due to how they were brought up or other outside influences and effects then it can be easy to fall into the trap of blaming everyone else.

In a sense, there's some truth in that, except that at some point - for a healthy life (at least in my opinion) a person has to break away or at least acknowledge the outside influences no longer govern them totally - take responsibility for your own choices - take an active interest in learning and nourishing and guiding yourself - look at yourself objectively - and try to be a better person.

The people in the lying loop are on that speedway and just can't see (or don't want to see) (or are afraid of) the exit lane.

Originally posted by rollsharley
Well with the EX it was..........rather than admit to being human.
Break into a total fit about how their the worst person on this planet. How EVERYTHING they do everything they say everything is all their fault, their total screwups and nothing they do will ever be right!

Yes they admit they were wrong then.......along with saying they have been wrong about every breath they have made since their birth!
OMG, Rolls, were you married to my ex-husband?


Grace, I read your post earlier but didn't have time to respond. I'd say everyone's right on the money about this one. Most of the time you will know something's wrong long before you find the proof. My situation a few years ago started out just like this. I kept finding little bits of evidence, but I didn't want to say anything because I thought I was just being overly suspicious. Huge props to you for confronting him. I think that does take guts. It isn't surprising that he said he wasn't doing anything wrong. Unless he's cornered there's no reason for him to admit it.

The one thing I have to disagree with so far is what Don said about changing his ways. To me, it doesn't really matter if he is still talking to her or not. If he broke that trust once it shows that he has problems in his value system. I don't think that goes away overnight. Sure people can change, but you are still feeling hurt and confused, so you still need to work this out or your relationship is going to be in neutral forever because you don't know if you can trust him or not.

Thanks everyone for your replies,

It feels like I am overly suspicious about this whole thing. I talked to him earlier about the whole situation that it is still bugging me.

He told me that the girl he is talking to is all the way on the other side of the Pacific ocean. He also told me that he meant that as a friend and that he has no intentions of finding someone else cause he loves me with all his heart. He told me not to make a big deal about it, when he says he misses someone, he means it as a friend.

I am relieved that it is nothing to make a big deal about. I know life is too precious to constantly bicker about the little things in life and just appreciate them when you have them. I live with my SO. We are getting married in the future. I guess I just don't want any woman to steal him away from me. I just want him to myself.

Thanks for listening to me, I really needed to get this off my chest.

Grace

Personally I don't like mental infidelity either.

Yes other side of the ocean... but believe me... expert here... there can be lots of lust in the spoken word and in internet infidelity.

Its the rage, haven't you heard?

Didn't read the whole thread so sorry if I am out of line.

Besides that... do you have any PROOF she is on the other side of the ocean?

I don't think you were wrong is my point. Keep your eyes open.

OH BTW the avatar LOL

I am the ageless commune bag lady. That is my tin foil hat to keep the aliens from reading my mind.....

I did some research on her, I looked up her email address and it did say she is not near where we are living at.

I just have this one problem, I am kinda that type where I am overly sensitive and suspicious of things, there are times where I have doubts about things, and I end up wrong. I mean he has stopped talking to them and everything, cause there is from time to time where he leaves his email open and I happen to glance over it now a days, there isn't really anything going on other than friends. We are very open with one another, we tell each other everything, and i tell him each day that if I find out that he's having an online relationship it will break my heart and probably won't ever forgive him.

He tells me he loves me and i believe him. I could feel it, I mean he knows that cheating ends up hurting people. He did have a few women do the same situation to him. He just has a different persective about "i miss you" I read the message the wrong way, he didn't mean any harm and he did apologize for hurting me. And he told me if it hurts me that much he'll stop talking to her.

thanks for all the advice, you guys really help


Grace

Hello and welcome to the board, Grace.

I agree with alot that everyone has posted thus far. So I'm going to keep this short but not so sweet. Regardless where the woman lives, rather across the Pacific or across the street, HE'S CHEATING ON YOU.

We've tackled this subject recently so I will try not to dwell on it too much but in reality, whether it's physical or emotional, it's still cheating. I understand that it's an online matter and not in person (so far as you know). But the fact of the matter is that he's still sharing his attention and affection with someone else.

Grace Welcome!!!


I can't say much more than these guys did... I do see red flags.. and I don't believe he is being honest with you..... That was a relationship statement... I say that to my husband all the time.... I miss you like crazy,,,, I miss you..... I always miss you... all those terms are used when you Love someone....... I don't EVER say that to my friends like that... Maybe I haven't seen you in awhile and I miss ya bud... but no other way... don't settle hon.. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you.. this incident has NOTHING to do with his age.. just has to do with HIM remember that.. the Age is NOT an issue.... the lying and cheating is!!!

Good Luck Sweetie!!

Thanks guys,

you guys are a big help, im going to have a LONG talk with him tonight and find out the truth. Im just not going to take a sloppy answer. I want to know the whole thing.

See I have guy friends online, I know they like me but I don't share my affection with them. I talk to them as friends and ONLY as friends.

anyways guys, thanks for all your advice, I'll keep you guys updated

Grace

Grace,

Girl dont feel bad for snooping in his email... I did the same to T when we started dating, and saw that he had advertised for a 3-some with us.... uhhhhhhhhhhhhh..

My number 1 advice on this is CONFRONT him!. It dosen't matter that you saw his email, you need to confront him on it... It will only eat at you if you dont, trust me... I know the feeling quite well....

Once T saw how much it hurt me he realzied what a stupid thing he was doing.... and lets just says T's days of online crap were over.....

Just hang in there, and if there's anything we can do for you let us know.. and WELCOME TO AGELESS!!!!!!!!! :}