69 isn't just a sexual position for me anymore

Okay, I am sure a lot of you have read my strange posts regarding my dating adventures and such oddities, and well, i am sure you remember the story of Tom, and how i thought he was 44, but he turned out to be 69....

yeah, well, I am still dating Tom (it's been about 2 and a half months), and i suppose that is what i would call it--dating. anyway, I told myself that i wouldn't take this so seriously because he is 69, and not only is that a ridiculous number to be, but that is just plain OLD, ya know?

Okay, i realize that he is very old, but that doesn't seem to change my feelings for him, and i never get tired of seeing him and being with him--that does not mean that i don't still have these concerns, though. I mean, these concerns just don't go away.....the age thing really doesn't bother me, but it does concern me that he may die soon.......or maybe get horribly sick from some old age illness or disease.....

I guess what i am saying is i am scared of getting too attached to him and that he will leave me. It is clear to me he doesn't take care of himself--he drinks too much (a harmless alcoholic), and he smokes like a fiend. So i watch him living sloppily, and i think, "oh, my god, he is really living an unhealthy lifestyle, especially at his age--holy beegeezus, he is gonna die, or be decrepid and feeble soon." I am wondering if i should just live and love, and not think about the future....or should i think of this as a temporary relationship, one that will not last because he is old enough to be my f*ckin greatgrandfather...

yeah, i never thought i would be involved with someone this old...just seems strange.....ah, well, strange things happen to the best of us.....i guess i beat everyone with the biggest monster agegap of them all--ha, try to beat 48 years!!!!!!!! (like you would even want to)

I guess you can't predict the future, but normal lifespan will only go so far.....and then we all die.....i guess tom claims to have good genetics, but with his smoking habits much like that of a chimney, and his drinking habits much like that of a fish-- sometimes i don't know how much longer he has got to live, even though he seems pretty healthy.

these are concerns i have, and i have kind of talked with him about it, but he doesn't seem to think that he is killing himself with his unhealthy habits. I don't know. Tom is fun. I like him. He is great. actually, i love the guy, but i don't know what the hell i am doing with him.....you know.... he isn't going to live forever, and i am still quite young.

maybe i shouldn't think about whether he is going to die soon or not, but still, it worries me. oh, well, at least i am over the initial shock of him being 69. funny thing, i thought i must've been the youngest woman he has ever dated or been with.....god, over the last 20 or so years, he has had 7 or 8 really young girlfriends, who were in their 20's (not including his numerous sexual flings with young women). All of these women would all tell their friends and family that he was in his 40's, so that nobody would know that they were dating someone so old. His last gf, of three years, was 25, and she wanted to marry him. i guess all of this just boggles my mind.

oh, well, i am done talkin'... need feedback now.:o

Could that post be any longer?

Personally, I prefer the 68. She does me and I'll owe her one.:p

I may have missed where you talked about this, but how did you resolve the fact that he lied about his age to the tune of 25 years? That alone would be enough to make me haul a$$. I did the math and that puts you at 21, right? So, just to state the obvious, the number of years he lied about is more than the number of years you've been alive? That's a pretty big one. Also, I'm sure he seems like a swell guy and all, but why is it that he pretty well only dates women soooo much younger than himself? It just seems strange to me.

Sorry for being such a devil's advocate, but those would be pretty big issues for me.

I read that when she posted it, and I had forgotten that they hadn't been together very long when he told her the truth, but he's still intentionally decieving people by claiming he is 44 on whatever profile Muse was referring to. His actual age, well that would be a definite problem for me. But an even bigger problem is the deception. That's creepy.

when i read your post my impression was that you are very unsure about the age difference. and i think that pink brings up soem good points. i guess you have thought about this, but could you just consider him a good friend whose company you enjoy? i personally would have a hard time getting over the deception of the actual age, but if it isn't something that bothers you then it isn't. yes you have to be realistic and his age combined with his lifestyle does make a difference in how you are going to view your relationship.

I liked Tom before I found out about his age.....so......

I forgave the lying thing because it was one big, screwed up night, and there was a lot of misunderstanding. Overall, he is a nice guy, who does not act his age, and he realized that his age would be a big turn off because most guys his age are not functional at all. This is not to say i think it is okay to lie at all, though.

Over the years, he has dated much younger women....some people just prefer much younger......call him a lecher or what you will, but he just prefers much younger--that is not to say he has not dated much older, too, though; when he was in his 30's, he dated a woman in her 60's.

Tom feels that women his age do not have the same youthful mentality and do not appreciate his unique ways, so that is why he goes for the younger woman, which i can understand.....it is interesting that his last girlfriend loved him madly and wanted to marry him and have a kid.

i don't want to be so naive like this and think of him as a big, long-term partne; even though i like him a lot--I know he is just so damned old. but at the same time, I do have feelings for him that grow as i spend more and more time with him...in fact, I spend almost every weekend with him....i've dropped in on his lecture classes in disguise...we've gone grocery shopping together...we decorated the house for halloween and handed candy out to trick or treaters....we went to a haunted house.....we have so much fun. He and i are planning on hosting thanksgiving together at his house, and i will meet his closest friends, which i am very excited and nervous about.

bottom line is: he and i spend a lot of time together and have a lot in common--i feel comfortable with him. he has let down his cautious side and has expressed a lot of feelings as of recently. we are close, and he is an important person in my life. aside from the big lie and the age difference, i am concerned that he will die in like a few years or so....isn't the average life-span like 72 or 75?

on a side note, i was just thinking and wondering about what Tom would think if he knew i posted these personal things.....

he knows that i post on this site, but little does he know that i am on here sharing things about us.....

maybe i should send him a link to these discussions?

or would that be a bad idea?

i really do love the guy, but i am cautious at the same time.... i know he is getting older........but i also know i like him too much, and he is just so great that i really want nothing more than to spend time with him.....but there are always these looming concerns in the back of my mind. maybe i should not worry?

should i just do what feels good at the moment? or should i worry about what this may come to?

Well Muse, your heading was too good to pass up replying to this thread.

All of us worry about HURT.

Basically, if possible, we don't want to see ourselves in pain, suffering - grief stricken, what have you. To some it's going to the dentist, (or putting off going to the dentist) - watching scary movies, eating brussel sprouts or putting a dear, favorite pet to sleep (permanently).

Unfortunately, life being what it is - the amount of joy will be somewhat counter-balanced by pain and grief.

We all get old, and we all die.

I would suggest that you have a LOT of love to give and your primary fear with this guy of yours is the pain you will experience if you attach closely and then lose him. Loss of a partner will happen to every couple (unless you both go down in a plane crash together - him with his 1940 Aviator goggles, pipe and scarf - you with your funky T-shirt, tatoo and attitude) - but the fact here are your fears are telescoped due to the age difference.

The bad news is that no matter what you do - he WILL die. So will you. Sometime.

But you CAN adjust how you THINK about this mortal dilemma. Hopefully when he dies (and it may be at 120) it will be a CELEBRATION of his life, rather than a grief-stricken weeping fest. That's a significant shift of focus.

Celebrate your life and celebrate your time together. You may only be together for another day (before you fall for an 80yo) or you may be together for a few months or a year or what have you.

Even as a 21yo you should be celebrating every day, yourself. Because if it's all worry and fear the time will go anyway and you're missing out on the good stuff. That is - change and death WILL come, so don't short change yourself on the enjoyment component.

The whole thing is an interesting and unusual experience for you - and judging by your posts, this is EXACTLY how you'd prefer to live your life - interesting and unusual and challenging and a little off-center.

My advice to you is TAKE the good whilst you can - and create a shift of perspective around possible loss - that it'll be a celebration of your time together, rather than an empty chasm of despair.

:)

Well, I don't see anything wrong if you like him a lot and have a good time together. He doesn't seem the type to hurt you, so you can only learn from him and enjoy his company. I'd say you can't COUNT on any more than 5 years of knowing him......maybe he'll live to be 98 or 106 (and claim that he is only 79 or something) but smoking and drinking do in even the best genes after a while. So does time. It really sucks, but I guess you'll have to accept that however long a time you get together was all you were meant to have....or else you could, like, get really angry at the world. And that's pretty futile and pointless, although it's fun once in a while. I guess you don't really have a choice at all then. Just have fun while you can.

Muse you definatly don't mince words.. you are so funny...

On a serious note though....you both have to be comfortable with the age issue..... although I think it runs more than that with you....
My concern would be the Lie but If you have found it in your heart to forgive him than that is very strong of you.... I forgive most of the time myself does depend on the situation but we all forgive for our own reasons.....

I would be VERY worried about his drinking and smoking issue...

it's not a secret that he is in a stage of his life where is body isn't as strong as it used to be.. by his smoking he is killing his lungs but you know something he's probably already damaged those...and the more he drinks the more he kills his liver expecially at that age... My grandmother who quit drinking and smoking when I was 1 years old and I am now 28 so that was 27 years ago..died when she was 74 in 1998 to lung cancer and secondary to diabeties and liver failure.....and those were all caused by drinking and smoking.....

This is his life and he has the right to do as he pleases ALTHOUGH You don't have to stand for it......so I would think long and hard before you move forward... because You need toknow where you want this relationship to go...

WE are here for ya you know that whenever you need us your little fruit ninja bat!! :-)

Muse~

The lying I could forgive, the age gap wouldn't bother me....but I can see where your concerns come in....and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. You can look at it two ways...positive and negative. Yeah he might die within the next few years, but maybe not. BUT...at least you'll have the times that you shared.

Have you ever seen My First Mister? If you haven't...watch it, it's very heart warming. In a small way it reminds me of you and Tom. Spunk was right...celebrate life, and there are different ways of celebrating. You can celebrate even after a life has past...he'll live on through the stories people tell...and now you are blessed to be one of those people who gets to pass on his legacy.

I wish you all the best. Follow your heart, becuase it truly knows the way!

EM

thanks to all the beautiful people out there, especially to the purple dinosaur that we all know and love.

mer--aw, thanks. :)

em, pink, meena, and calybo-thanks for posting to my thread and giving me your two cents worth. means a lot to me, ya'll.

dat--good advice, and as charming as always, but so damned hard to get a hold of you.

~Muse

Wow - Muse, I am with you.

Spunky - will you come and live with me and just give me good advice every day? You are the best!

My age difference isn't as far as yours, but my husband (who is 52) still smokes. He drinks too, but not very often. The smoking is so upsetting to me. I have 2 family members (an aunt and an uncle) who died in their early 50's due to smoking. He has seriously cut down in the time that I have known him, but he can't seem to make that last step.

And my nagging just makes him laugh.

I worry about him all the time. But I tell myself this over and over and over again: we have already had 2 1/2 wonderful years together, he knows how much I love him, I know how much he loves me, we are happy right now and totally devoted to each other. We will face what we can together, and as much as it scares the hell out of me, I can face going on without him. I wish with every fibre of my being that we can be together for a long, long time, but I have no control over that. I just have to love and enjoy him right now.

Oh, yeah, and I made him promise me that he would give me at least 25 years. So he HAS to stick around until the age of 77. If not, I told him I'm holding his ashes hostage until I GET my 25 years. I'm not going to through them off that mountain top he wants until then. HMPH! ;-)

Mad bess you are soooo funny.... I just had to say that....


My husaband quit smoking 10 years ago and no more drinking and is very healthy...

although no ones really to say here... My cousin who never smoked a day in her life has lung cancer at the age of 37 and some who smoke live for years...

The answer is if you can handle it and that's what you want that's all that matters here.....

That's true, Mer. My dad's smoked for almost 50 years and he had his lungs X-rayed not long ago and the doctor was amazed. He said his lungs were in almost perfect shape. Weird, huh?

I'm always around smoke. I used to smoke and casually do still...but it's weird that I can handle the smell of smoke when I am smoking...but otherwise I want to puke! It's sooo gross! I only have a cig once in a blue moon...for health reasons, but when I'm around 2nd hand smoke I get scared. Why is smoking so gross!?

I started smoking when i was around tom (more heavy when i was with him), and i lightly smoked for a few weeks, but now i have decided that it isn't a good idea to continue with this habit.

I love smoking....it is horrible....i used to hate taking a puff off a cigarette, and i don't know what changed, but i absolutely love smoking....... but, alas, i have quit, and for good reason, too......

but, gosh, i do miss having one. such a great temporary high, yet so, so ephemeral....it doesn't last.

but you are right, em, it is such a nasty habit....i hate how it makes my hair smell.......

Ever been in a closed room with a smoker...uh...you are soaked with smoke...not very attracive! :mad:

I smoked for quite a few years and quit when I was nineteen. I was sort of tapering off (at the stage where I was only bumming smokes from friends on occasion) when one night I just realized all of a sudden how gross it was! I couldn't even finish the cigarette I was smoking. I think I've smoked one since then, and I didn't like it.

yeah for pink....now where's that pic! :D

:rolleyes: Just hold your horses. You'll get it soon enough.

I'd kind of like to be bribed with Belgian chocolates, if you know anyone who might be so inclined...:D

I quit smoking in January 2003.. so now its 11 months for me... and I feel WONDERFUL....

Smoking is a very bad habit... and I'm glad I stopped I have never felt better....I can't even be near smoke no matter in what capacity...... I can smell the people smoking 3 apartments away on the first floor and i'm on the third floor.... so I hate the smell makes me sick....

I know if you are a smoker it is very hard but you have to do it... it's a life or death thing I know we all die someday but why cause it or make it sooner..

OH MARIA!!! LOL