I deleted my thread

sorry -

hmmm I am sorry you did that. I wonder why you did? I read your story and was going to post to you. However, as my b/f is here visiting and I just haven't had the time to really be on Ageless till today, I had not gotten to you yet.

I assume you deleted because of hostile responses? It seems the community gets very very concerned about failing marriages and so forth. I hope you will come back and give us another try. The one thing that stood out to me in your post was that you were so dedicated to this ym that you carried on an online relationship for OVER 2 YEARS waiting for him to be of age. This is an enormous investment of self and time. You (and he through your post) sound like your in so much pain and anguish.

I disagree with some things I read on your thread about underage relationships. This is online, gaming, text only...a different animal altogether and I do not think you did something inherently wrong.

Please feel free to IM me personally on Yahoo (i'll PM it to you ;)). I would be happy to talk with you and I hope offer you some support.

I personally didn't see any hostile responses, only disagreeing opinions, which is normal since we are different.

Maybe you were not comfortable with your story remaining online? I hope you were able to use some of what the members told you and hope you'll be fine.

And Marcy, thanks for being this sweet! :)

I really meant to say PERCEIVED ;) hostile responses. Sometimes when people do not agree with us...we don't want to hear what they have to say :D

That's true, especially when we feel bad about the situation ourselves and have heard enough of criticism. I agree.

But that's always a good side and a bad side to any situation, and when we calm down and get a bit of distance from it, we finally see that the criticism was also necessary.

Well, we all know that, but you are right, sometimes we perceive things in a way that is not the way people wanted them to be perceived. :(

it takes all types to make up a community, and that's certainly true here. i do hope you didn't come here expecting everyone to agree with you, or to say 'yes, yes, yes'. many a person has, and has come away sorely disappointed. when you write up your thoughts and then throw them into the vast wasteland of cyberspace, there's no guarantee what kinda response you'll get.

perhaps some of the reactions/responses arose out of the poster's life story or experience, or perhaps some of them (you know whom you are ) projected their own stories onto yours, which is not, by the way, a healthy thing.

personally speaking, honey, you're too young at 28 to be involved in something this messy. you're barely out of the teen years yerself! you have children, and their needs, at this rather stressful time, are much more important, regardless of whether you stay married or not. i recommend counseling.

Thanks so much both of you for the kind words. I deleted because I felt like I had brought up something that might of offened happily married people or what not. I cried so much over the things people said that I went to my husband and tried to have the divorce talk with him. He just won't go for it now, and when I pressure I get threats. I want it nice and calm and as painless as I can get it for everyone. So I guess that means waiting till he's ready so that he doesn't make it into a big mess.

I also spoke to my ym about all the pain and guilt and now even more guilt because of some reaspones I got here. He just said "you can't explain our relationship in text. No matter how hard you try, and sure people looking in would have bad opinions about it. We knew that." He said "I can only trust my heart. I know you and you know me and we will make it through this or it wasn't meant to be." He sees it as we aren't doing anything wrong....we didn't even see each other till after he was 18. He knows what is best is finish college and start his career, he just doesn't see why I can't be apart of that. And if we made it through college still having the same feelings then I'd divorce and we'd further our relationship. But the divorce will surely come way before college end with or without him. I can't keep living this lie.

Thanks for everyone who took the time to read and reasponed to my post, be it bad or good it helped. The last 2 years I've had a wonderful friend, who knows me better than anyone, who is understanding and caring, who I cherish. I can't give that up.
lol plus he's a super genius, and you probably can see by my spelling it would hurt to keep him around.;)

"I want it nice and calm and as painless as I can get it for everyone. So I guess that means waiting till he's ready so that he doesn't make it into a big mess."

then you'll be waiting 'til you're ready for the twilight home! come on, abonz! get real. it won't be nice and calm and painless. pain is inevitable in situations like this. and you don't need his permission to file for a divorce, just do it if the marriage is that bad. if you think he'll physically assault you, get a restraining order. talk to a women's legal organization for advice.

if every woman 'waited' until her husband was ready for a divorce, the cemeteries of this land would be littered with gravestones that read 'still waiting for the divorce'.

KICK BUTT, ABONZ!!!!

Melissande,

You are SOOOOO right about women waiting for the divorce.

Unless men have some hot thing going for themselves on the side, or even if some of them do, they don't wanna pull the divorce "trigger". You know they LOVE you but somehow you didn't notice while they were busy ignoring you or forgetting your birthday, not working on the relationship, helping you feel unattractive, unsexy or whatever.

Then after sitting in the corner and raising your hand for a few years, saying *ahem* i'm not very happy here, and you threaten to go, THEN they pull out all the last ditch efforts to save the marriage. Problem is there is rarely anything left to save.

Abonz if the emotional bond is broken, there's nothing left. And if it's ugly now, it's only gonna get uglier later. How long do you plan to be miserable?

Listen to Melissande, it's time to KICK BUTT.

I went to my husband and tried to have the divorce talk with him NO! NO! NO! :( Were you looking for his permission???? You don't give 'em a "heads up, Honey be prepared for what's coming".....

Words of wisdom from a older and wiser, been there-done that woman: divorce is something you do when YOU feel it's time. I don't know your exact circumstances, but I can tell you this... if you want a divorce, get a lawyer and DO IT. Getting a divorce is a 100%, totally selfish endeavor you do to retain your own sanity. It is not a "let's sit down and talk about making it painless" activity.

Good luck, Hon. You're going to need it :)

Originally posted by MsPCGenius
NO! NO! NO! :( Were you looking for his permission???? You don't give 'em a "heads up, Honey be prepared for what's coming".....



Not sure I agree with all of the post I quoted, and I've never been through a divorce. However, THERE SHOULD BE NO HEAD'S UP CALL. Divorces can get ugly, nasty and costly. When the day comes and you are ready, take the iniative and get out, with your stuff. When he is away, take advantage of that, and call in the movers. A friend of mine did this when he left his wife. He went a bit too far, but it made the divorce proceedings go smooth and avoided any angry confrontations. You don't want to be around if he throws a nasty tantrum or gets violent. Don't give him the chance, move out and don't give him the heads up. Maybe that's a nasty move, but you put yourself in a safe postion and can be nice afterwards.

Originally posted by MsPCGenius
It is not a "let's sit down and talk about making it painless" activity.


Great advice, I know from expierience, we were going to have an easy divorce, why the hell pay attorneys when we agreed? HAHAHA yeah right!
After I filed, (we agreed I would) His tune changed over a friggin oak roll top desk! He never ever used the damn thing but he wanted it! I wanted it too, my lawyer sat me down and said "do you wanna spend 2 grand fighting over a 1 grand desk? I said no and gave it to the ex, well than he wanted this and I gave him this, than he wanted that and he got that, than he found out how much child support he had to pay and FREAKED>>>>. so than he decided for custudy! EWWWWWWwwww it just wouldn't end for him...... Well after 20 grand each later we finally got divorced...... it took 2 years.
If you really think you can sit him down and discuss it and it will be easier, it probaly won't end up that way in the long run, it seems like the minute the papers are served all tunes change....
This is just my story, good luck on yours.

It's been my experience that alot of times, the marriage is dead...the love is gone....some form of abuse has set in.... but there is always one party that won't let go. The appearance of the "family unit" and materials things gained from two incomes (or having a wife at home doing stuff for you) usually ends up being the motivation of the one who least wants the divorce (which both know is inevitable) to hang on for dear life, by any means necessary (ie: threats).

Regardless of your relationship with this y/m..... focus on your life right now and know that as long as your husband can have his cake and eat it too (ie: side relationships)......he will never ever say "ok, let's do this!"

When one of you reaches the point of being so miserable that you can't stand to see another sunrise.... you will do what you have to do. Keep in mind, your kids are not dummies and the longer you live like this.......the lessons you teach them about respecting oneself and being true to yourself will be with them always.

Don't discuss it with him....just make a decision ...make plans....and do it!! It will never be anything but ugly....but GUESS WHAT? ....it eventually ends up restoring your sanity.

I divorced in July.......my ex did NOT want it and fought me on everything. He has since told me that he realizes I did the right thing by leaving him. I would have NEVER thought I'd hear that come out his mouth! haha

Good luck to you........ BE STRONG and BE TRUE to yourself!

Gypsy

Thanks Everyone for your words of wisdom, I'm very grateful.. I'm doin it! I feel like a rock has been pulled off of me.

Best of luck Abonz. I have ultimate respect for the women who finds her strength from within! ;)

Good luck Abonz. Yeah, its never going to be easy, there is always pain, but I consider it, in my medical fashion, as something like cutting out a disease. Its going to hurt, but when you heal from it, you'll be stronger than before.
I still feel guilty when I see my ex. The second, not the first, the first is bad spawn.
The second, I married because he was really familiar, he had lots of the bad spots of the first, but he "wasn't as bad". Dunno how many times I told myself that. Well at least he's not as bad. Dumb reason to marry someone, huh?
When things reached the point, where I realized I didn't want to live my life settling for things, and I needed out, and we couldn't fix it with counselling, my leaving tore him up. He didn't handle the pain well, and became enraged. I'd probably even have gone back to him, if he hadn't gotten so mean over it, just out of guilt. Then I met David and it got even worse.
Now, however, we get along fairly well, can at least chat about things without him going insane, or become angry again.
I do still feel guilty though, because, basically, I changed, not him, changed the rules of our relationship. He couldn't cope, so I bailed. He says its because I decided I'm too good for him. I just decided I'm too good not to be treated as well as I'm treated now.
Don't expect to be able to do it without lots of stress, but do what you need to do for you.
My older kids have all told me they wish I'd have left their dad long before we divorced, they have memories of the stress of us being together they'd rather not have. Don't think you're doing your children any favors by living in misery, they're smarter than we think.