Open mouth, insert foot

Hello all. This is my 1st post. My question to all of you YW is how do you deal with those times when the age difference makes your partner feel old or you feel out of place? Actually, I don't want to limit this to the YW - men, please jump in here too!

There's a 23 yr age difference between myself and a certain very sweet, very sexy OM. Most of the time, I don't think about the age difference and I know he forgets, too. Especially when he asks me "hey, you remember..." (the Rolling Stones 1st American hit; the Apollo landing.. whatever) and I have to say, "No that was X years before I was born".

Last time this happened he looked a little wistful and said, "I forget how OLD I am sometimes". It made me sad. I don't think of him as old - Older, yes, but not OLD - and I don't like to think I am making him feel decrepit simply because I am younger but by no means young? (I'm 34).

WElcome to the Site!!!!!

Well first off you can't say that to him about being years go from you because t hat will make him feel old....

all you can do in an instance like this is to reassure him that you Like or Love Him not his age.....

I think your situation is common with a lot of people here and if you read some of the older posts you will see that...

I am married to a may who is17 years older than me.. I am 28 and he is 45 and I love him and he loves me......

Just ask him if it says his age on his forehead and if he says no then say there ya go....


Good Luck

I look forward to more posts from you!!!
xo
Mer

Welcome Kaliska!

We have a pretty tight knit community here...and I hope you find what you are looking for here.


Unfortunately I cannot give great advice on this topic. My last OM (17 years older) couldn't handle the age gap. Things like what you would mention would happen and he'd get this look on his face....and I knew exactly what he was thinking. It's harder for some and others don't think about it much. I never thought D to old either...but he felt it when he was with me. I guess that's another good reason that we aren't together any more...I woudn't want him to feel less than secure about himself. He would constantly tell me that he was doing most things to stay young and keep up with me. Even though I never asked him to and loved him just the way he was....he still felt the need to prove his youth to me. Which is just down right silly. I wish I had some words of wisdom to pass along, but as you read more and more you'll see that we post positive and negative, I'm just sad I had to be the first negative :(

All the best...keep us posted,

EM

(I swear now that I work from the home.... I post TONS more..LOL)

First of all, WELCOME... You'll notice that it's a very loving and supporting group..Sometimes there are little waves we ride... But.. all in all, it's awesome here..

In my relationship we usually just laugh things like this off.... Though I do know we're both thinking something on the inside along the lines of, "Geesh the gap is really showing now... or whatever.." but we try not to let the other person see our stress... but say one of us is having a bad day, and the stressful look comes through... Then I try to be as comforting as possible..

Or tell him, "Yea..well I may have not been around then.. But I'm around now... teach me about it.." Be willing to learn all the things from his generation..Then, in turn, he may very well be able to learn the things in yours..


Music is, indeed, where the gap shows the most with M and I..... I love all music (EXCEPT CHEESY 80's pop...hair bands.. FINE.. but when ya start with the music that requires teased bangs and spandex to listen to, I phase out..LOL) and Well.. M is a product of the 80's.. He was even in a few cheesy bands... and it drives me CRAZY when he tries to lsiten to that stuff..

And on the flip side.. He hates my R&B or my rap... Gives me the, "Kids today aren't musicians" thing... and Iused to argue with him.. But now I just let him have his rant....and don't really argue with it..

I think it's all about communcation with this kinda thing... Make sure that they are comfy... but sometimes they're so insecure inside you can try and try... and they won't get comfy... and then for that, I have no advice...

I guess I'm blessed to be in such a free spirited, open, and light hearted relationship...I dunno..But we tend to laugh it off...

I hope you find some way to deal with it that's right for you..
Good luck..

LOL @ Ellie's M. D (my ex) was in an 80's band too...he says they would have made it...but they all got married and had kids. LOL

But seriously...you're right...it's about communication.

Originally posted by EllieMae

Or tell him, "Yea..well I may have not been around then.. But I'm around now... teach me about it.." Be willing to learn all the things from his generation..Then, in turn, he may very well be able to learn the things in yours..


This was the key for us as well. I asked lots of questions and listened to lots of music. (although, even as the YW, *I* am the one who loves 80's music -- hmm, showing MY age now)

When he asks me those kind of questions, I don't throw the "that was __ years before I was born", I usually respond with "You don't want to know where I was when that happened." It just seems a little easier to swallow for him.

And I have actually learned to appreciate the Grateful Dead! I have gone to Bob Dylan and Neil Young concerts, and I really love it. Now, if only I could get him to appreciate some Madonna! ;-)

I know different couples will have different comfort levels, and I'd guess it's harder to be comfortable with as the gap grows larger, so I don't know if this will be helpful at all.

My partner and I tease each other about our age gap a lot. We don't wait for situations that remind us of our ages to come up by accident, but bring themselves up ourselves -- as in, say, "Here, listen to this, I know, you don't recognize the band, you're too young to have grown up with any decent music around" "You're too old to know what decent music is!" By joking around about it constantly, we keep it from being a sensitive subject. I gave him the nickname "ancient one" years before we started dating, and we both grin the few times I still use it.

The gap is there. There's no way of avoiding or hiding it. Might as well add it to the list of differences that we appreciate about each other, differences that expose us to new things and new points of view.

Originally posted by EMCAD80
LOL @ Ellie's M. D (my ex) was in an 80's band too...he says they would have made it...but they all got married and had kids. LOL

That's funny. Isn't that what caused the Beatles to break up? LOL

LOL...quite possibly Chosen!

But yeah...keeping it cheery and light should help too. I've noticed that a lot in people's posts. Keep us updated on what you've got goin' on!

EM

I guess the bottom line is that I could've phrased it better - he doesn't need to know precisely how many years before my time that was! :rolleyes:

I guess because things are just starting to develop between us, I want to prepare him for the day that the reality of the age gap really kicks in. I don't know what the trigger will be - but I can see several possibiliities - but I know it will inevitably happen.

Just wait til his coworkers ask for your birthday.. or something..

I was cashing my check at M's place... and they needed to see my driver's license which still says, "under 18" on it... it was a WV thing so kids under 21 would never be given beer.. so our licenses are all red with big UNDER 18 signs on them for the FIRST license we get..

So I'm flashing my license to one of M's fellow managers.. and he's like freaking out... But a little intruiged too, I'm sure...

He winked at me and goes, "Now I know why his lunches go so long.. he's got a youngin' livin' with him.." LOL... I turned beet red.. cause M and I have our little lunch time quickies.. and M's always like 10 minute late coming back from lunch... and I'm sure he drops hints as to what he was doing..

Originally posted by Kaliska

I guess because things are just starting to develop between us, I want to prepare him for the day that the reality of the age gap really kicks in. I don't know what the trigger will be - but I can see several possibiliities - but I know it will inevitably happen.

I don't know Kaliska, with many of the relationships I have read about on this board, the age gap doesn't necessarily "kick in" later on. Oftentimes, it is a barrier to getting together in the first place, but after that, the gap seems to fade away.

You may never need to worry about it! :-)

Actually I find pictures of him when he was still rockin' that mullet, and I think

OH MY GOD. I'm so glad you're older now.

And I'm the one who likes 80's music, even though I was a little kid then. Except he likes some early Madonna, which I think is mostly ****. He goes around singing what words he can decipher of OutKast, while I'm downloading Supertramp and Yes. It's mainly a kitsch thing with me- I know why it sucks, and why it doesn't. But it's funny to hear him tell stories to go along with the older music I like- it adds a dimension of me trying to imagine him as a young man, macking on the ladies. I think it's hot, which is probably REALLY WEIRD.

Dat I've said that to... I told him that I would of never been attracted to him had he been younger.. He was this tiny little pipsqueek LOLOLOL big glasses tiny as a rail.... LOL now he's sexier than hell LOL