i found this particularly germane

to many of the situations described here. what he has to say is very pertinent, and i highly recommend all and sundry read it.

http://www.salon.com/sex/col/tenn/2003/11/13/sya_thur/index.html

HAHAHAHAHA - RIGHT?

Thanks Mel!

A few short moments of abosolute gushing or insecurity early in a relationship can act like an electronic fence that works through a dog collar. However, the collar is not going to keep us in our yard, it's going to to keep us out of yours. Why? For that I have no explanation.

A few years ago, I went on one date with a woman. It was fun. The next morning, I had a gushing email about how I was the MOHD (Man of her dreams). I did not perceive this as a good sign, as I have no desire to be the subject of absolute adoration before the second date. How do you respond to that anyway? That afternoon, I received a scathing email, showing quite a bit of insecurity, asking how and why I had not already responded. That was the end of that story. Why? Again, for that I have no explanation. Perhaps it was her going from one end of the emotional spectrum to another in a short period. Whatever it was, I immediately lost all interest.

I can't access the article... can someone copy and paste? Thanks!

I am one of millions of single women in their late 20s, wondering if I'll ever meet the man of my dreams (MOMD). I've spent years focusing on myself, my career, denying that finding the MOMD even mattered. Then I met him.

I met him at a bar. We exchanged numbers. He called the next day, we went out that weekend, and we continued to date for a few weeks. The feelings we had were obviously intense, and mutual. He hasn't dated in a few years, and I haven't had a boyfriend ever, really.

He was obviously enamored with me -- and told me so. At first it scared me, but since he's really the most wonderful man I've ever been involved with, I decided to let him fall in love with me, and I fell in love with him. I know, it was too fast, and that's where my problem starts.


The other night, after about five weeks of blissful sex and fabulous outings, we were on our way back from a fantastic night out. We started talking about relationships past -- the ugly subject that should always be avoided. This made the MOMD somewhat uncomfortable, and he decided to go home and not spend the night.

This inspired me to collapse into a fit of insecurity: Are you coming back? Do you still want me? I'm afraid of losing you, and on and on.












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Help! The man of my dreams is driving me crazy.



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This freaked the MOMD out quite a bit. He didn't understand why his wanting to go home made me freak out, and neither did I (other than the fact that I'm a woman, and a fragile creature).

He, being the most wonderful man on earth, called the very next day. He left a nice message and said he'd call back later. I left him a nice, very secure message telling him what time would be good to reach me. That was two days ago. He still hasn't called.

Now that I've met somebody, who, while not perfect, makes me insanely happy, I feel like I've lost him. Have I? What goes through men's minds when they say they're going to call and then disappear for a few days?

Sad and Lost

Dear Sad and Lost,

I can't speak for all men who are shallow because some men are not shallow but most of us are and for us I can say that when we say things we don't mean, we say them because the truth might make you unhappy and we cannot stand to see you unhappy because you can get upset and get over it right away but if you yell at us even once then for days afterward we can't think straight or write brilliant code or fish well. We cannot handle women getting upset. It ruins everything. So naturally we try to avoid it.

It doesn't matter if that means lying. Lying is much better than having you get upset. That is why we tell you we're going to call you when we're not. Because it is much better for you to be upset once you are not in the car. If we tell you we are not going to call while you are still in the car then any getting upset you do you will do in the car and that is not good. If you're upset, you should be upset later over the phone while you are safely at home with ample snacks and cable and we are driving fast in the opposite direction and the connection is not so good -- darn that cellphone company! -- and we can go into a tunnel and lose you accidentally, and then the battery on the phone can go dead, and then the phone can accidentally get dropped out the window when going over a bridge and we can, unfortunately, not get ahold of you all weekend to hear how sad and upset you are. Darn. If we had only known how upset you were we would have come right over, except for how the phone fell into the raging waters of the river and was washed over the falls so we could not call you, even if we had had a pay phone, because we did not write your number down, it was in the memory of the cellphone. Darn. We really feel bad. Didn't mean to hurt you. Last thing in the world!

But if we could have gotten ahold of you we would have told you how we had to go off suddenly on a business trip to Denver of all places because these guys in the distribution chain cannot get their act together. Unbelievable. Denver distribution guy got his foot caught in a rototiller. Messy bad. Better now, but all those boxes of tractor parts, we carried them by hand to Albuquerque in a rented Neon. Can you believe that? A Neon? And as you well know I am above average height! But yeah, don't worry, it's OK, that's not your problem. We just wish we could have gotten ahold of you because obviously you were really upset and that's the last thing we want for baby snookums is for you to be upset. Why don't you come over for barbecue?

Bring some sauce?

And some meat?

And do you have a barbecue grill we could borrow? Ours is in the shop.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

And isn't that sometimes (often?) absolutely the truth?

I would get insecure too if after a short time together someone turns clingy.

I also think it's normal in the beginning, if you are really infatuated, to be a bit like that. And well, in this case the guy had to go through 5 weeks of great sex to find out in one evening that he was not into it?

That's a bit extreme.

But so common. People should come with instructions.

It's simple. Desperation is not attractive.

A little less bizarre but the guy who made me the rich playboy stud muffin was talking about future things on the second date and it was giving me the creeps. Like we will do our homework together and I'll help you rake your leaves.

No... second date was just second date... not a relationship.