questions from the other side

hi there..

i usually post on the OW/YM side of the board seeing that i am the older half of my 1 year relationship with a 21 year old guy.. i am 30 years old. i am a bit insecure about getting older and i am looking for honest opinions. i hope you guys can help.. :)

i have come here regarding a post that i found disturbing on the OW/YM boards by a 19 year old girl concerned about her friend being involved with an older woman. in this post, the girl goes on about how unhealthy it is for her young friend to be dating this 30-something woman and how she feels that this woman is not "acting her age".. (ie - "purposely" dressing young, going through an early mid-life crisis, etc.) Of course the responses to this post were basically just telling her to let him do what he wants.. it's nice of her to be concerned, but it's his life--let him live it.. which i agree with, yet i was still bothered by what she said.

basically.. i'm just curious what people think (who are obviously in favor of age gap relationships, but not biased by being in my OW situation..) of what seems to reach the point of ridiculous.. "pushing it" if you will.. where a woman can act and dress.. well.. "hip" (although saying that doesn't make me sound all that.. um.. hip) while all her peers and contemporaries are running around in power suits or plain ol' jeans.. or the "i've given up on caring to look at least somewhat interesting" - and "i have to be boring now because i've hit 30" look. like, when does it become silly to other people? when does it go from "wow, she's cool" to "wow, she's cool for her age"? I've never been a conformist and i've never been into the norm because of the music i listen to and how i dress and act and, well, pretty much all of me.. frankly, i'm cool. (insert giggle) but i would hate to think that people "think" that i look this way or dress this way because i'm in love with a 21 year old.. or, more or less as this girl in the post put it, that i'm "trying too hard to look young".. i usually don't care what people think and i would look the way i look (and act) even if i were with a guy my own age, but i am feeling extremely insecure about aging lately.. ready for the point of all this babbling? ..if a male friend of yours was dating an older woman, what would you think? ..of course i'm aware it depends on the individuals and all that rot, but i'm still curious on what this side of the board thinks.. humor me. thanks a bunch ;)

Well Welcome !!!! I don't think it's a problem or its unhealthy... although I only date older men if he doesn't care what his friends say and you don't care? then why does it matter???? You do what you feel that is right that is all that matters.... REal friends wills upport you and untrue ones will resist... Just hang in there... don't focus on the AGE... FOcus on him as a person.. the age is NOT a big issue... It is not tatooed to his forehead...e very other word isn't his age.. It's just a normal relationship don't let the "age" issue get in the way..

GoodLuck and keep us posted...

Mer

I think I know which thread you're talking about and that situation was such that the poster was basically jealous of the other woman and also somewhat worried that she had so much financial power over him. It was an unusual situation.

Don't worry about what anyone thinks. They'll think what they want no matter what you do. Thirty is really young. If some dumb kid wants to think it's not, then that's their problem.

Hm - interesting question. I am 34, and my feeling about aging is that it is changing - really. I mean, my mother was very definitely a "mom" when she was my age - meaning that she dressed conservatively and was very responsible (and had 3 kids).

I, on the other hand, am a newlywed. I am an actress. I am married to someone 18 years older. I live in San Francisco. I am a very, very different person, so I think I dress somewhat hipper than she did.

I think people are "allowed" to dress hip and provocatively to a much older age now than they were in the past - according to hollywood standards, anyway.

Other than that -- I think I am MUCH better looking and more interesting and happier and I have more fun NOW than I ever did when I was 21. So, I would probably tell that girl to stuff it.

:-)

Well! Let me put in my .02! So an old friend of mine (he's 29) is married to a woman who is 50+....not to sure on her age....but she is one hot mama! Whoa! She is beautiful in so, so, so many ways! However, to be honest, the first time I saw her she was in a triangle bikini top...and I thought maybe it was a little young for her. But then as the day progressed I started to slap myself in the face. Here, this beautiful 50+ woman was comfortable in this skimpy thong and a triagle top bathing suit. Who was I to judge?! If she felt good in it...then more power to her! I can only pray that I will look and feel that good when I'm even in my late 30's all the way through to my 40's. Her husband adores her and thinks she is one sexy woman...and I don't blame him.

Go with your heart, how you feel and how your man makes you feel.

All the best,
EM

Nova:

Welcome to this side of the board. I really appreciated you question and have never really thought about it from the other way...a ym/ow.

I think the first and foremost statement has already been said...do what you feel comfortable with...no matter what anyone else feels. I have been asked how to do that...and I think for me...it has just come with maturity. Some may acquire that skill early in life...I didn't...but thank God...it HAS come.

That advise...to do what you feel comfortable with...I am solid on...the rest of this post is more of an open dialogue. I think that those of us in the OM side tend to fall into two groups. Some of us actually look much younger than our age...and then there are those that don't.

I remember someone asking my about Lucky (my love)...'Does she look older???' I smiled and said no...she actually looks younger. And the fact is, I don't look 30 or 40...I am 48...and look the part. If there was a 6-pack...someone drank it long ago., lol

I may not be the norm on this side of the board. I really did not look for a relationship with a yw...it found me. I fought it...but finally 'grew up' and have found the love of my life. She really isn't concerned that I look 48...(good for us).

I know there are many OM/YW relationships where the OM looks really young and acts really hip. More power to them.

Your thoughts....

a woman can act and dress.. well.. "hip" (although saying that doesn't make me sound all that.. um.. hip) while all her peers and contemporaries are running around in power suits or plain ol' jeans.. or the "i've given up on caring to look at least somewhat interesting" - and "i have to be boring now because i've hit 30" look.

made me think a little bit. If dressing 'hip' is really you...do it "until the cows come home." If you are dressing hip so you can be someone that you are not...then you have some soul searching to do. I know that many people as they age try to look younger because they are not ready to accept turning 30...or turning 40. I always thought the alternative to not turning...say 50...was not very attractive. <smile> I don't think we have to quit being attractive as we age. Certainly you don't have to dress like some up-tight suburbanite that frowns on anyone having fun. Perhaps your use of 'hip' meant hip for a woman your age...or maybe you meant it for a woman younger than you are.

I think dealing with the maturing process is not easy. Some of us find no problem with the continuing birthdays. Other want to set back the clock. I am fortunate to have lover that doesnt mind that I look 48 and I don't mind that she looks 21 (barely, lol)

Nova...Welcome to this side...and always do what makes you comfortable no matter what others might say.

The IrishKid

Irish...that was a great thread....really hit home with how D used to (and probably still does) act.

Irish and Rolls, thanks for being active in this thread...i'm sure it helps a great deal!

You know, I was going to jump in and say that older women should just wear whatever the hell they want, but then I remembered Cher.

Originally posted by IrishKid
If you are dressing hip so you can be someone that you are not...then you have some soul searching to do. I know that many people as they age try to look younger because they are not ready to accept turning 30...or turning 40.
The IrishKid

Irish ---

Very wise words indeed. I think that is the key!

thank you all for your wonderful advice and insight!! i appreciate your honesty! you all gave me alot to think over!

i will continue to just be me and whoever doesn't like it...oh well...;)


i could never "dress" for anyone else or wear a particular "style" of dress just to make someone else happy or have them "accept" me..i would never feel comfortable, so i am not going to start now. i hate that my insecurities make me question myself, but in this age obsessed society...it gets a bit difficult not to.


oh..and this killed me! haha!
quote:Originally posted by Rhadamanthus
You know, I was going to jump in and say that older women should just wear whatever the hell they want, but then I remembered Cher.


**but hey...look at how great gwen stefani (34) and madonna (45) look..so maybe there is hope...poor poor cher! haha :D

Glad to be of help! Don't be shy and don't be a stranger!!!

Originally posted by Rhadamanthus
You know, I was going to jump in and say that older women should just wear whatever the hell they want, but then I remembered Cher.

Let's correct that Rhad.

If you look like Tina Turner, go for it.
But if you look like Cher, PLEASE COVER UP!!!