help ?

I have managed to hypnotise an older woman (40) who lives in the next town from me into a sort of friendship/realtionship through the Internet, we have mailed each other lots, chatted on the phone, and exchanged photos, life stories, jokes, in fact just about everything except knitting patterns, this has been happening for a month or so and eventually have met each other, twice already and a third this weekend,

Everything seems fine but !, I'm not sure if this is an ageless problem or just a male thing.

Even though I know quite a lot about her ( she wears blue ones ) and she knows lots about me (the rash is clearing now anyway so I don't care), she seems to talk like we have know each other forever and like we are very close to each other.

I saw the first meeting like the beginning, a starter of a relationship, she seemed to see it more like the main course,
And a main course that needs gobbling down quickly so as to move onto the jam rolly polly pudding for afterwards if you get my drift,

We seem to be out of sync with each other, I like her and am enjoying getting to know her properly, but she seems to be already talking like we are partners who have been together for years and has already discussed meeting my parents !.
Or me staying at her place for the weekend (nudge wink)

Any attempt to slow things down seems to be translated as "I don't think this will workout let's not go any further" which is not true

I know this sounds a typical guy thing and you may say the fact that we have spoken and exchanged mails means we have already been together or had contact for a while, but is it not more an Internet thing ?

I have read autobiographies about people but I wouldn't claim to know the person written about unless I had met or had some form of long term physical (not sexual) contact with them, otherwise from my latest reading I could consider myself a great friend of Henry VIII and John Lennon.

I don't think it's cold feet either she is really nice, to be honest that's what is annoying, I'm still at the point where I'm saying "hello", she seems to have reached "I do" and "lets go shopping for a new dress"

Maybe I'm exaggerating that last bit (I already have a perfectly good dress anyway) but I just want to take things from the beginning, I see all you people on here as complete strangers, even though I read your postings about your lives and have even mailed some of you personally.
I don't know anything about you at all really. Good or bad, I think I would need to meet you in the flesh to know you properly, so I'm finding it difficult to understand someone thinking they know me from a few pictures and nonsense drivel like this that I write.

Any advice anyone ? Is it me ? Should I try back off ? Should I just let myself go a bit more ? Am I being truthful enough to her ? Will Lassie rescue skip from the abandoned mine on time ? Tune in next week for the next exciting episode of "Who will look after my children when I go to bingo next Thursday ?"

please read the thread 'i found this particularly germane'.

this woman is making you into something you ain't, and if she isn't getting the message, well, mate, time to cut her loose. tell her what you want in a relationship (and i hope to god you have NOT been leading her on) and if what you want isn't what SHE wants, then end it. nothing says 'this isn't what i want' like 'goodbye, i don't think this is gonna work out, thanks for the good times, and don't tell your girlfriends about my little dick.'

I'm having the same problem daniel so when you get your answer so will I. I am meeting people on a match board. I meet them once or twice, after about a week of emails. They immediatelly start projecting into the future how we can do our homework together and next summer when we....

so it's not a woman vs man thing and its not a young vs old thing. These are 50+ yr old men.

I even put in my profile NOT IN A HURRY, friendship is fine.

I feel for you daniel. I can imagine that you are just too hot to resist and I would be after your buns if I just met you. :D

I think it is a matter of where that person is. And I'm sorry to say I doubt there is much you can do that isn't going to be interpreted as rejection. In the past I have actually been proposed to within the first week of meeting someone. Scarey.

Yes, melisande's post was good, MOMD. Go read it. And I don't believe for an instant you have a little dick :D

Is there a way you could tell her exactly what you have written here. I still think the outcome would sound like rejection to her.

Daniel, I'd invite here here to Ageless......... after you delete this thread:D or not.

Great place for here to find out a bit about you, all of us, and herself.

Next time she e-mails you, just reply saying that you were busy at this great site,,, ageless,,,, and hey, why not come on over and meet a great bunch of people.

I'm someone who can go very quickly to the next step in a relationship, too quickly, and knowing myself, I try to control this. Especially when I've known my partner for such a little time. So I'm trying to put myself in her place, in her situation, but something is wrong. I would not be able to dive into such dreams of a life together, if my partner hadn't shown me the same will.

If she reacts like this every time you hint that you would like to slow down, it sounds to me she's not really listening to your feelings. She wants something, she goes for it. She doesn't look at how reluctant or not you may be. Bad sign.

On the other hand, you like her, and probably is not wiling to end things with her. Maybe you could insist on taking things at your pace while reassuring her it's not because you don't like her, but because it's not yet at the level of making a commitment to stay with her forever.

Daniel writes:
I saw the first meeting like the beginning, a starter of a relationship, she seemed to see it more like the main course,
And a main course that needs gobbling down quickly so as to move onto the jam rolly polly pudding for afterwards if you get my drift
Swan writes:
In the past I have actually been proposed to within the first week of meeting someone. Scarey.

You know what I think about people that act this way? They want so badly to fill a "missing piece" of life's puzzle (a mate) --that they find someone that matches most of their search criteria (from the little that they know) and immediately try to shove that person into the role.

The sad part is when this happens, both parties can get cheated. The delusional one stops looking for the best possible mate for them and sometimes ends up settling.....due to them *not* really knowing who they were getting involved with really or if they truly match up with them. I think these tend to end up being controlling types (have to keep the delusion going.)

And the non-delusional partner ends up feeling pressured to be something they may not be (to this seemingly nice person) or feeling unappreciated for who they truly are as an individual! (the delusional one didn't have to dig that deep to find a warm body)

I filled a role for 15yrs once and never felt like my ex really loved ME for who I WAS.... I was just puzzle piece that ended up wasting alot of time trying to fit into that slot.

Not sure if any of that made sense..... fact is now is the time to explain how you feel about things. Whatever her perception of it is and however she reacts is HER PROBLEM to deal with. Just stay true to yourself, honest about your feelings and if she cannot handle it and gear down some -- you don't need it.

*Disclaimer* I have also been the pushy one before too. Hope I didn't offend anyone with my comments. =P ~ Peace

OK, from what I gleen from your post: you think you are at the beginning of the relationship and want to mvoe slowly; she wants you in her bed, all over her life and shortly at the altar. What would I do if I were you, AND I didn't want to just get away from this woman (I am not advocating getting rid of either)?

TAKE CONTROL. Be the man and take control.

Look her in the eye, don't let her run away, don't let her talk over you, don't let her look away, speak in a calm but firm voice and tell her: "I'm here because I think I might want a relationship with you. We are just starting to see each other. Don't rush me, and WE just might get to where you want US to go. Rush me and you are probably going to drive me away. I'm not here to get a quick thrill then run away. I'm here to figure out if I want it all. Right now, I'm on that road. That's the direction I am going in. Let me go at the pace I want to, and I might stay on this road. Try to force me into a faster pace, and I won't be on this road at all." If it works and she gets the message, fine. If not, get away.

This is hardly different than a guy trying to persuade a woman to have sex with him before she is ready. In most circles, that would be severely criticized.

I've seen this kind of behavior and sometimes, not often, it can be dealt with easily. If it cannot, it won't get better.

:D

Hi Daniel,
I am glad the meeting with your lady friend went well.
I was wondering how that went for you.
Seems your lady friend is quite taken with you and is getting ahead of herself.
Only YOU can put a stop to that.

I say just tell her right out that things are moving to fast for you.
Honesty is best and I think you will find a way to put it to her that she won't feel hurt.
She needs, (and deserves), to know.

She may feel that your internet communication has built a foundation for her to built on, and she is building fast and furious it sounds.

If you don't come clean with her about what you are feeling, your urge to "flee" the relationship or avoid her might get overwhelming for you and then you really will end up hurting her.

Just tell her her everything you told us.
If she really cares for you, she will slow down and then the two of you can start all over again.

Hope it all works out for you!

I agree completely with Captain. Be a man, sit her down and tell her where you're at right now.

Sail

Just don't humiliate her, not that you would. Use your charm and humor. Make her laugh, give her a little kiss.

It'll be fine. Some of us...well we just get tired of looking and will see what we want to see in someone and think "thank God, the search is over"

She may end up being "the one" after all you know :D

TELL HER WHAT YOU THINK. PERIOD.

Just a note to say thanks for your advice, my original post wasn't written to sound flippant and make a joke of it, that's just me, I feel I have to defend her a little here because maybe my sledgehammer humour has given the wrong impression of which I apologise,

She isn't some kind of crazed stalker who is arranging a wedding and has the guest list written up, it's more small comments and passing sentences that are the problem, where I might ask if she would like to meet for a meal and spend the evening together, she will ask if I would like to come visit here and stay for the weekend,

I might say how attractive she is or how funny she is, she will say I would make a good husband to someone one day or a great dad with kids

And she clings to my arm like a tornado is going to blow her away

I have commented on these passing sentences, and do say what I think, I have not lead her on and she knows exactly how I feel about the relationship being at the beginning.
She now allows blood to run through my right arm by lessening her grip a little and hopefully seems more relaxed.

I don't think her comments are worth ending the relationship for, especially as we have only just met, I'm looking for ways to slow it down rather than kill it off completely

I think time will tell, I just hope it doesn't tell everyone about my small willy because time is a bit of a big mouth when it comes to that sort of thing ;-)

I think the best comment was to suggest I introduce her to this site, so you may find this thread disappear soon when I can work out how to delete it. And you are all sworn to secrecy about it even appearing (ssshhhhh)

Thank you all anyway, much food for thought, and maybe I should look at myself as well, am I giving the wrong signals ?

Don't reply to that question it's for me and her to discuss, not you.

Hey Daniel,
The important thing is that she now knows how you feel about slowing things down.

Some people are just overly-enthusiastic when a relationship starts and she might not have even noticed that she was ahead of you in certain areas.
Communication is the key.

I do hope she visits us here at Ageless!
Oh, and to delete your threads, I think you just go to "edit' under your orginal post and it gives you the option to delete.
If I am wrong, I am sure another member will advise you correctly.
I have deleted posts, but not a whole thread, so I may have it all wrong.

I am glad that you and your lady friend are on the road to a better understanding.
I am certain your charm, dashing good looks and sharp wit just got the best of her and she couldn't help but want to squeeza you alla the time!
*wink*

Have fun discovering each other!

Originally posted by daniel

And she clings to my arm like a tornado is going to blow her away




This doesn't exactly have to MEAN anything.....some people just do that. I am that way. I have noticed myself doing that sometimes, there isn't any real deep-seeded issue with it though. At least not for me and I am thinking not for her either.

Other than that, good luck.

Sail