Who feels "hurt" more by a breakup ?

a) the man ?
b) the women ?

Neither the man nor the woman -- I would have to say the one most hurt tends to be the one who didn't want the breakup to happen.

It might not even be the initiator who is the least hurt, in the case of someone who breaks off a relationship as a self-protective measure, but may still feel greater emotional pain in doing so (someone who discovers infidelity, say, or finally abandons an abuser).

The degree of hurt doesn't fall along gender lines, it depends on the dynamics of the breakup, and the individuals' respective emotional investment in maintaining the relationship.

Originally posted by Savannah


It might not even be the initiator who is the least hurt, in the case of someone who breaks off a relationship as a self-protective measure, but may still feel greater emotional pain in doing so


Couldn't agree more.

Sail

I can't vote on this one either ralph.

Why do you think pain is gender specific? More like situation specific.

I have seen men in more pain than I will ever know. But I have seen women in just as much.

Depends on the situation. And how "sensitive" they are. I am fairly hard shelled. One night of binge drinking and I'm fine

:D

Originally posted by swanqueen
One night of binge drinking and I'm fine

:D


Really?

Sail

I think even the person who wants the break up can experiance some hurt. . .especially when s/he realizes it was one of the most stupid things they had ever done and there is no going back.

I can't say that I've ever gone thru a break up where it lasted more than a day. . .so I couldn't answer this even if there was a true answer.

But, i have had minor break ups in my relationship where I was the one initiaiting it. Let me tell you, I felt so horrible and so lost it wasn't even funny. She was hurt, probably really bad, but either way I think in that situation I was the one worse off.

My brother broke up with his girlfriend by his own will, and then he came to be the one hurting the most from it all. So, like the other say, it all depends on the situation. No two are alike.

And thats all I have to say about that.

Steve

Originally posted by sailaway
Really?

Sail

No Sail. Extreme exaggeration there.

But I am thick skinned.

P.S. In the breakups I've had. It hurt more when I was the one doing the breaking up. I once told a counselor that I would prefer to BE dumped than to dump.

She thought that was horrible. No. If you are dumped sure someone didn't like you and that is rough, but if you dump someone, you have to a) make that decision, very stressful and time consuming b) work up the guts to tell them c) hurt them, perhaps terribly.

I would much rather be dumped. Then I can just cry and get on with it.

Dammit! I thought maybe you were on to something.

Sail

Originally posted by sailaway
Dammit! I thought maybe you were on to something.

Sail

ROFLMAO

sorry Sail. Well that night I "broke up" with my guy in Iraq, I sure drank a lot. Even missed work the next day. But I have to say. It still hurts. I sent him an email today actually. The first one since that day. I said... please for the love of all that is holy, if you are a hoax let me know so I can move on. If you aren't ... give me some reason to believe.

So no. I am not cured yet.

But I date, and hope, and I am going about my business. I am assuming I will never hear from him again and I am prepared for that.

I dont like either one, Swan. But, people cause me problems. if I want to break up with someone, they should just "know that" and be gone. And conversely, if I want someone to stay, like now for instance, they should by gawd want to stay too.

You know, things would be so much simpler if people would just do what I want them to do!!!!

:D

Sail

Originally posted by swanqueen
ROFLMAO

sorry Sail. Well that night I "broke up" with my guy in Iraq, I sure drank a lot. Even missed work the next day. But I have to say. It still hurts. I sent him an email today actually. The first one since that day. I said... please for the love of all that is holy, if you are a hoax let me know so I can move on. If you aren't ... give me some reason to believe.

So no. I am not cured yet.

But I date, and hope, and I am going about my business. I am assuming I will never hear from him again and I am prepared for that.


Now swan, you know, if he is a figment he can't respond to that email. But you are right, he should respond, for the sake of sanity if nothing else.

If you want, I can flood his inbox with hatemail for you. I've got nothing but time and pent up hostility, and PMS is coming on. Why waste it.

Sail

Sail :D

You are my new friend

I dont know if you've noticed, but that "other" thread we are following has taken a turn ...

And we thought we had no life, look at what we've got here ...drama, sex, hosility, dildo comments, cattiness....

I don't know about you, but I think we are having a hell of a Friday night. :D

Sail

I know its better than afternoon TV

Originally posted by swanqueen
P.S. In the breakups I've had. It hurt more when I was the one doing the breaking up. I once told a counselor that I would prefer to BE dumped than to dump.

She thought that was horrible. No. If you are dumped sure someone didn't like you and that is rough, but if you dump someone, you have to a) make that decision, very stressful and time consuming b) work up the guts to tell them c) hurt them, perhaps terribly.

I would much rather be dumped. Then I can just cry and get on with it.

Yup. Me too. I hate hurting someone else.

I don't know about you, but I think we are having a hell of a Friday night.
Glad somebody is!! As for me, I'm doing "secret friend" homework. Good thing I don't have a life! :D

I am on a roll of not reading all the other posts but just replying to the OP. A breakup hurts...period. I guess in general the one who is hurt the most is the one who is less ready for the breakup.


(Short and sweet answers tonight)

Originally posted by Raven Magdalene
It all depends on situation and the individuals involved. Both can hurt...but I lean toward the woman. And, so ....what is the point of this question??

my personal opinion, correct me if I'm wrong ralph, is that he totally hates women for some reason I haven't been able to pick out yet. He would want this poll to say men hurt more.

That is my opinion. Am I wrong ralph?

I have a slightly different take on this, because I don't think Ralph hates women. I think he has been hurt by one (or more) and is seeking to find some sort of formula for understanding women, and male/female relationships. I've noticed a trend toward very reductionist thinking, as though he wants to achieve that understanding by reducing complex human behaviours to their lowest common denominator, or by imposing logic and rationality.

Problem is, when we deal with high-level emotions like love and passion, we're in a minefield of irrational behaviour -- and logic and reason are rarely the guiding forces.

(Sorry -- it's late -- I'm tired -- probably not very coherent)

Both hurt dramatically..Iam assured of that..one can go their own way, and presumedly live their life and pretend that life goes on....but in such a short time span,it is acknowledged in their heart that what they had , could not compare to the life they were trying to live..I am sorry for the ones who gave up on true love...it was prominent...maybe??
I ache for my loves desire ...But , I regress...
peace

WOW Savannah

I think she's got it!!!

I think she's got it!!!

I don't even know what she just said but I agree!!!

Sail

Originally posted by Savannah


(Sorry -- it's late -- I'm tired -- probably not very coherent)


Oh quite the contrary!! Very coherent (IMHO) WOW! You are one smart gal!! Can I just touch you to try to get a tiny bit of it to rub off on me? :D

All I know is that I'm a woman....he broke up with me....he is going on with his life and I am still devastated by it (it's been 8 weeks now). Last night after work, he dropped another bombshell.....out of courtesy he told me he is now "dating" again....slam #2: girls from college (great for my OW self esteem) Want another email address, Sail, to flood with hate mail? The worst thing? I still love this man....

(((((((HUGS)))))))

I lean towards it being the men that takes a break up harder.
But I agree that the person that initiates the break up gets over it quicker.

Men don't see break ups coming like women do, so they oftentimes feel sucker punched when it happens.
Women can "feel" when things are not going right and they aren't as shocked over a break up as men can be.

I do think that women might grieve more deeply over the loss of a relationship breaking up, but this helps them overcome and move on better.
Men don't do the same type of soul searching that women do or take the needed steps to get through the pain and put it all into perspective.

I think this is why too, that men oftentimes want to come back to a woman after a breakup - they aren't able to get through the passages of pain easily and going back into the relationship is an "easy fix" to rid themselves of dealing honestly with that pain.

Women may feel the pain of a break up in a more intense way, but they also take the time to talk about and acknowledge their pain in order to move on with their lives.
Men shove it back and shove it back until they "think" they don't feel it anymore, but it is still there.

At least this is what I have witnessed with the men in my life.
My brother is at the top of the list of men that could never get over a break up without a huge amount of undue suffering and confusion.

Dan posted something about coming across some memorabilia that sparked old feelings.

I just did that. Paying my bills and in the stack was a birthday card and some notes my ex had sent along with some cds that he had a "friend" send me once a month til last July. I cannot bring myself to listen to those cds anymore which is really sad because I loved them.

I guess I give myself too much credit, being thick skinned and being good about getting on with my life. The pain is still there.

I think men do deeply feel the pain, but truth be told, they are told by the media and their peers that they are supposed to be "MEN" and buck up and just get over it. Their buddies tell them to get back in the game...that this is how to get over that last woman who hurt you...or that last woman who you were with...it's a way of burying the hurt by moving on too quickly...cause we women were taught to talk it out, to feel it and it's okay to cry everyday about it for a long time...but guys can't do that and feel like a man. So...we may see our ex's seem to move on, but in reality a lot of them are doing it to mask their pain - they have no one to talk about it to - and we were probably the only people who would understand their pain. I think in reality, women are lucky because we can talk about it, we can experience it and therefore we might actually be able to get over it if we want (sometimes we don't want to as it is very protective of our hearts and souls)...but guys sometimes carry this pain on into relationship after relationship and don't understand why they can't get as close as they want - their hearts are sometimes still locked up, unfreed from that pain.

Just my two cents.

"but guys can't do that and feel like a man."

EXACTLY!

straight men are so messed up about what it means to be a 'man', they do stupid things. if i might try to quote dan savage on this:

'straight men, listen up: it's time to forge a new sexual identity. right now being a man means not being a woman. and being a straight man means not being a gay man. so whenever a straight man does something that is perceived as feminine (like have a feeling) or homosexual (playing around with their butts) they go into this omigod-am-i-gay? panic. which would be fine, except men in this panic mode tend to beat up their wives and girfriends, invade foreign countries, and open up fast food franchises, all in an effort to convince themselves that they are MEN.

so, in short, having feelings and playing with your butt aren't feminine or gay characteristics, they're just part of the human experience, okay guys?