I am upset

I need to vent.. so here goes.

My ex husband just called, and cancelled his visit with his children... again. My son was just in tears, and I had to calm him down. Allow me to explain. Most of you know that I've been divorced for about 7 years now. Making a long story short, my ex was a married man who thought he was still single, in more ways than one. Often, I was left alone to care for two babies. (My children are 11 months apart and are now aged 9 and 10) He's a vagabond, plain and simple, who at the age of 38, still doesn't know what he wants to be when he grows up.

He sees his children when it is convenient for him, usually once a month, if that. Sometimes months have gone by without even a phone call. I have never kept him from seeing them. And have on numerous occasions spoken with him about how he needs to spend more time with them. Even my son became angry with him once, over making promises that he does not keep. What breaks my heart, is the effect on my children. A while back, my daughter was playing with her uncle (my sister's husband), along with all the other kids.. they had him on the ground, wrassling, having fun. A few minutes later, my daughter came to me and in her little girl's voice, said.. "Mommy? I want a new daddy." I didn't know what to say. I just looked at her and said, "I'm sorry, sweetheart." I then had to go into the bathroom and cry. I feel as though I have made this mess with my poor choices, and because of my terrible judgement in choosing a man, my kids are suffering. I sometimes wish he'd get out of their lives permanently, instead of this sporadic, occasional father act crap. Promising them things he never fulfills.

I've been alone, because I wanted to concentrate my efforts on being a mom. When I do go on the occasional date, my kids have never seen me with anyone, as being a teacher, I see that kind of stuff all the time, with moms that have revolving door policies where men are concerned. I didn't want to teach that to my kids with my actions.. that it's ok to have men come and go, that committment means nothing.

They are great kids.. I mean that. Honor roll, citizenship awards, thoughtful, polite, smart kids. They deserve so much. And I sometimes ask.. "what have I done?" They are paying for my mistake, and I am about to cry now as I write this. Thank you for letting me vent.

Originally posted by Genevieve
And I sometimes ask.. "what have I done?"

THIS is what YOU have done:

Originally posted by Genevieve
They are great kids.. I mean that. Honor roll, citizenship awards, thoughtful, polite, smart kids.

You answer your own question.
You are doing a GREAT job with raising your children and don't you ever forget it!!

I have been where you are.
The father of my 2 oldest children was a total disgrace, (and still is).
My daughter refers to him as "Sperm Donor".

Yet, when they were little, they wanted to be with their "Daddy".

There are times when a person is not a decent parent and we need to sheild our children from them.
Your ex may not be "literally" beating you or the kids up, but his broken promises are.

You need to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that this CANNOT continue. Each broken promise breaks your children's hearts and just as you would sheild them from a raised fist, should you protect them from this abuse also.

If your ex wants to run off and be the "single irresponsible man", then so be it.
But don't allow your children to be hurt by this any longer.
You are doing a fine job on your own and eventhough I know what a huge struggle that is, you CAN do it.

Don't be sad my friend, get MAD!
Your ex sounds like a child himself and you need to set down some stern terms when it comes to your children.
They deserve it.
And being the darn good mother you are, (as your children are proof of that), I KNOW you will put an end to this.

I've been there, oh, have I have I been there.
If you need a shoulder, I am here for you.

*HUGS*

Gen,
Because of women like you, people who were raised by a woman all alone are among the most compassionate people I know, and among the ones who have a genuine respect for women.

You feel tired and sad, because where others would have given up, you are doing your best. It's a very sacred kind of fatigue.

And who doubts mothers are saints? I don't. My mother is the most precious person in my life and the only one I am sure loves me inconditionally. :) I adore her.

I know how fustrating it can be especially having a selfish man for your childrens daddy......You can't change him, but all you can do is the best you can for your children.....you can't keep beating yourself up for making a mistake by marrying their father, remember your children are no mistake......Right now it is hard for them to understand, the lack of interest of their father, but believe as they grow they will see for themself......my oldest so wants nothing to do with his father.....his father never took the time to even see him.....but when my son grew up and began to undestand that his father wasn't a father, it was to late... when his dad turned his life around wanted a relationship with his son.....his son didn't want nothing to do with him.... but you reap what you sow, and rightfully so because when they need them and the father isn't there, the children will see that, and they will know who always has been there.
As far as having a new daddy, please don't be in a hurry to marry the first nice guy that comes along it is a delicate situation and takes alot of work, although my son loves his stepdad now, that didn't happen overnite it was through alot of hardship and committment to get to that place........don't marry for the sake of giving them a new daddy, right now the stability and example they have in you, that will get them through to be healthy young adults. And if they stray they will always come back knowing that they had a mommy who was always there.

I agree completely with Trish. I think that counseling is definitely helpful not just for the children, but for you as well. And I know from personal experience. I had two ex-husbands with 1 child from each marriage and BOTH of the ex's did a vanishing act on our children when the kids were about 5 or 6 years of age and were each gone from the kids' lives for a full four years. Counseling helped both my son and me resolve our anger towards my 1st husband.

My 2nd husband originally left our daughter and me when she was 10 weeks old, and then again at 20 months. She only saw him sproradically until she was 6 and then nothing at all from him until this past summer when she turned 10. She still feels uncomfortable with him when he calls each Sunday, which he has for the past 5 months. He lives too far away to be able to see her often, but he is coming for Thanksgiving dinner, UNLESS he does another vanishing act like he has so many times. I have already prepared her for that possibility.

I know exactly how you feel about blaming yourself. I have blamed myself too, for the longest time. If only I had been more choosy about the men I married. If only we had waited a little longer to have children. If only....

You are not responsible for the fact that he has decided to neglect the children. Please stop blaming yourself.

Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done raising your two wonderful children. Sounds to me like you are a wonderful mother. And realize that the day will come when they are older when they will acknowledge you for always being there for them. They may never get over their desire to see him, although some children do. But, believe me, they will know who was there to take care of them all these years.

All you really can do is find supportive help, talk to your children about this and get their feelings out, listen to them and give them all that love that you already give them.

hugs to you and your children

[i]

I know exactly how you feel about blaming yourself. I have blamed myself too, for the longest time. If only I had been more choosy about the men I married. If only we had waited a little longer to have children. If only....

You are not responsible for the fact that he has decided to neglect the children. Please stop blaming yourself.

Give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done raising your two wonderful children. Sounds to me like you are a wonderful mother. And realize that the day will come when they are older when they will acknowledge you for always being there for them. They may never get over their desire to see him, although some children do. But, believe me, they will know who was there to take care of them all these years.

[/B]

Whiterose u r so good at putting stuff into words, I wish I had half ur skill .....................


Gen, Whiterose has got it spot on.......... I was in almost exactly the same position as u, there r 364 days between my two children, I escaped from my husband when my daughter was 20 months old. He only saw them when it suited him, promised to turn up an failed to do so repeatedly, in short all the stuff urs r going thro ......... My son adored him, he could do no wrong for years, my daughter tolerated him, then when they were in their teens they realized what he was really like ........ His 2nd wife left him an took their children away, an he turned up with a new girlfriend who was just 18months older then my oldest an told them they mustn't let her know he was their father, they were supposed to call him 'uncle adrian' !!! .......... What I am trying to say is they will see his true colours one day

((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) Gen, U r doing a great job, so keep it up ...... Whenever I wished that I had picked a better father for my children etc, I always remembered one thing, if I had they wouldn't be the wonderful ppl they r now :D

OK, he's a lousy father. Ideally, he would be a better one. However, you already are divorced, there's not much you can do to make him be a good father. How do you deal with him being a bad father toward your kids? Comfort them when he is a "sh**" and love them and raise them as best you can. What else can you do? Bad mouthing him won't help the situation. Hopefully, he will change. If not, your kids will realize what kind of person he is and what kind of person you are. Sounds like you are doing a good job so far. You just hate to see your kids, or any kids, hurt by someone who should be ready to run across hot coals just to get a glimpse of them. Instead, he never seems to be able to give them the time of day.

There's some great advice above...my only addition is to keep reminding these kids that there are men who can be great dad's and that it has nothing to do with them. He's just a guy who doesn't have the skills to do what he should be doing. Keep saying that. Expose them to men who are kind and caring, so they learn that it does exist. Talk to your son about this, talk to your daughter about this...you don't want them to carry this into adulthood. And later, when they start heading into adulthood, remind them that they might need a touch of counseling so that they don't bring their dad into their adult relationships.

First of all, I want to thank all of you for responding. I do want to add here that I do not bad-mouth their father, however, I am not good at concealing my emotions.. and I know they can tell when I am upset about something he's done, or has not done as is the case. I have always felt that if you give someone enough rope, they'll hang themselves, and my kids are learning to see the kind of man he is without my having to say much at all.

Lorena, I have tried to have the talk with my ex, about when they are older and how they will want nothing to do with him, and the whole "you reap what you sow" kind of conversation. He understands at the time, and says he will spend more time, but never does. Actions speak louder than words, and they are learning that his word means nothing. How sad.

As far as men are concerned. It has only been within this last year that I have dated sporadically. At this point in time I have no intentions of ever marrying again. And would never marry someone just to be a dad for my kids. I am mom and dad. It just hurts me to see them hurt, and makes me angry with him, then try to have to hide that anger from them, and NOT say anything negative about him.. UGH!. I think that is why I came here to vent, instead.

As far as exposure to other men.. my father was more of a father figure to my kids, and when he died last year, they took it very hard, especially my son, who insisted at the age of 9 on being a pall bearer for his "papa". They also have their uncles, that are so wonderful and giving of their time with my kids, and I am grateful for that. But, it is no substitute for a real dad, and I feel their pain. And can't help but feel partly responsible for it, even though I have not much control over how he chooses not to spend time with his children.

Thank you all again.. you are wonderful.

Gen

Genevieve, you tell your "rotten a$$ ex" that he is fortunate to even have access to his children, because after tomorrow, I will have to give up parental rights to mine!!! :mad:

Tell that stupid a$$ ex of yours to WAKE UP!!!


joe

Hey Gen

I cant add much to what has already been said. The part about not bad-mouthing their dad is a very good point. My wife never did bad moth her ex and her kids just loved him and thought all the problems were their mom's fault. One day they woke up to the fact that this was not true, and they loved her more than ever.
Remember,,kids are a lot stronger and tougher than you realize. Sure their life may not be perfect but whos life is? Atleast they have a Mother who loves them. Thats more than a lot of kids have.

Keep up the good work.....

Cowboy

I'll be honest, I didn't actually read in detail this thread. Although I read some key words, stuff like that breaks my heart. I lost my father when I was young, and he was a great guy. Life can be so unfair. But yeah, there is a reason for everything I suppose even if we can see that reason right away, or if ever.

Hang in there Gen :)


-Trebmal/Matt

Your so right that actions speak louder then words! Your ex keeps making bad choices on behalf of his children the consequences will be there.....OH and I know, I feel your heart and I know it does hurt....your not alone Gen....put your chin up and stand tall.......your make it! And so will your babies. Now if and when God sends that special person, everything will fall into place. Now I'm not saying that its going to be easy, I'm sure you know that already, but I'm saying you will get through, and someday your look back and say to yourself, THANK GOD I never gave up! We Love you Gen!

Gen, I know exactly how you feel!

My kids don't see their dad except at Christmas...his choice. He's the biggest LOSER that ever walked this Earth, so it's no surprise he's the WORST father also.

I just wanted to say though, that your kids want a father, but you know what? Sometimes, kids who already HAVE fathers, want a father too. For different reasons, either a busy job, an emotional problem, a physical disease, or death, a father might not be available.

No one has an ideal life. NO ONE. So the next time you hear your child say something like, "I wish I had a daddy." YOU SAY; "You have a daddy. He's not involved with your life as much as you'd like him to be, and I'm sorry for that, but you have ME, and I LOVE YOU MORE THAN THERE ARE STARS IN THE SKY!!! Life isn't always fair. It never will be. Some people will have more money than others. Some people will live in a better place than others. Some people will have better fathers than others. We can make OUR OWN family special, for WE OURSELVES ARE A FAMILY, and we can be happy with the family we already have. We can make our own family traditions, and we can invite whomever we want!" :) Some families are not made up of who you're related to, but those who, even if they aren't related to you by blood, love and care for you, and would do anything for you."

Thanks to everyone again for your replies and insights. I am feeling much better. And Polly, you are so right, we ARE a family already, we are happy and have all we need. I sometimes forget that when things like this happen, and all those feelings of guilt, anger, sadness, start flooding in. The three of us ended up having a great day after all.. without him. :)

and a word to the wise: even if you think your ex-husband is a loser and the world's worst father, don't say that to your children, or write it down where they can see it, especially on an easily accessible internet forum using your own name and identifying details. children are curious creatures...

Originally posted by melisande
and a word to the wise: even if you think your ex-husband is a loser and the world's worst father, don't say that to your children, or write it down where they can see it, especially on an easily accessible internet forum using your own name and identifying details. children are curious creatures...

Bingo.

Trish may be right too.

This goes not jsut in cases of divorce. I've seen a number of children's relationships with their fathers (and mothers) spoiled because they were put in the middle or got in the middle during a break up, or even without one. I know a married couple who's son tells his father that he right, because the father refers to the mother by using a derogatory term (the B* word). From where I sit, the mother is wrong about a lot. But he's wrong in doing this.

But Gen said she is not doing this!!! She is sad for her kids and they may know that but damn...that is allowed!! She doesn' t have to be a woman of steel!

i was referring to polly's post, tru, not anything gen said. you did read polly's post, didn't you?

Be more clear next time Mel...it is Gens thread and your post came after hers.

I agree whole-heartedly with melisande and Trish. And do my best to refrain from negativity. However, I become angry, like any other mother, because someone is hurting my kids, because if my kids are feeling badly about themselves, it's because they know they have a father who has not only lied to them numerous times, but has not the desire to make an effort to spend time with them, or change. That hurts them. I know it, and I feel it for them. This is someone who says they love you? Well, when we love someone or something, we devote a decent amount of time to them/it. They come to me, and ask me why he does this. It's the way he is. He did it to me. Yes, he's a charmer. Smooth talker. All words. (remember the "closet a$$hole thread?") And they know it's not right. The message he sends is.. "I SAY I love you, but you are really not important enough to make the effort." And they are smart enough to read his message loud and clear. That's what tears me up. I'm the one left to comfort, and dry the tears of a ten year old boy, who only wanted to spend an afternoon with his dad.

Mel, I appreciate your concern, but I very HIGHLY doubt my kids, 14 and 11, would come here! This would bore them to tears! And no, I don't speak negatively about their father verbally. Unfortunately, they know what a jerk he is from personal experience. Furthermore, last time I checked, this part of the site was a relationship forum, and therefore subject to the opinions and feelings of those participating. If I can't be candid HERE, where can I be?

Again, it's not a site for kids.