relationship problems

I am 40 and my boyfriend is 27 although we look the same age. We have been dating for 5 months, and I live in a small room that we rent together. We both are students at college. We get along 99% of the time and things are always great. The one problem I have is that he dated alot of woman so most of his friends are his ex's. I on the other hand am divorced and don't stay in contact with my ex except the childrens dad. Now I don't like it when he chats with all his ex's. He thinks it's okay to do that, even call them to see how they are doing. He say's I am close-minded because I have strict morals. He say's they mean nothing just friendship. He doesn't cheat on me, which is a great thing, and he is very supportive of my schooling and in love with me. I sometimes like to go places alone to my familie's or whatever, but he gets jealous very easy, The major problem is when we do try to talk he ends up thinking I am critizing him or trying to get even so I get angry and start yelling thinking that he is critizing me, and than it blows up to this feud, about ex's and that he thinks I compare him to my ex's and I say things like why stay in contact with the ex's. Than his friends tell him I am controlling which is so far from the truth. I can't stand having this feeling of walking on eggshells and I do love him very much and He does me. What can I do to make communication better without him jumping the gun and or being jealous thinking some guy is going to steal me away from him. How do I get him to see that communicating with ex's is not normal. thanks

Hi Angie.

Welcome to Ageless. It sounds like you two are having normal relationship issues, but it concerns me that they are happening so early. You each need to be sensitive to the other's issues and work to find a way to reassure one another that their suspicions are unfounded. I myself would be worried about him communicating with his exes. My boyfriend was spending time at his ex-wife's house as a friend (for very convoluted reasons) behind my back and it blew up in his face because his ex is a criminal and subsequently caused us both a lot of trouble. Are you two living together? Whether or not you are living together, maybe you should ease up on the relationship for a while to get your bearings. Couples counseling might be a good idea, but I don't know if it would apply since you have not known each other very long.

Good luck!

You say he becomes jealous easily? Then the question should be posed to him as to why he cannot seem to understand your reactions when he talks to his exes, and thinks this is ok. It may very well be that they are friends, nothing wrong with that. But he should be able to relate somewhat to how you are feeling about it. In some ways it sounds as though you are both trying to control a situation, when there should be some compromise. Personally, if something I did bothered someone I cared about very much, and there was something I could do about it, or change, I certainly would. And I'd hope he'd do the same for me. It's about having consideration and respect for each other. Those are just some initial thoughts I have.. perhaps someone can offer more here.

Hmmmm?
I also have to wonder the same thing that Genevieve is wondering in her post.

Then the question should be posed to him as to why he cannot seem to understand your reactions when he talks to his exes, and thinks this is ok.

Seems like he thinks what is okay for him is not okay for you.
Sounds to me like you are both emotional and a bit self absorbed, (maybe it's the little room you share?)
I don't mean this in a bad way, but are you like living on top of each other in a small space?
Sounds like you are getting like a couple of cats in a bag here.
It happens to the best of us.

I say leave him alone with his phone calls with the ex's. I know that will be VERY hard, but try to not comment on that and see what happens.
Then, when he jumps on YOU for visiting your family, (which is ridiculous by the way), you can point out to him that you don't grumble when he talks to his ex's and he shouldn't grumble when you visit family or friends without him.

His defensivness, (when you try to talk), would be a concern to me.
Seems he sure turns the tables onto you when you discuss matters.
This could mean his has something to hide.
Watch that, (closely).
Could be he is just high spirited, but when he turns the anger onto you, back off and let the subject alone.
See where he goes with things then.
I think the two of you are locked into a way of battling that only ends up with fingers pointing at one another and this might be hard to break as time goes on.

You may want to try other methods of communication and see how that goes for you.
The "tit for tat" method rarely works.

By the way, welcome to Ageless and I hope the posts you get in your thread are helpful for you.

Hello ang and welcome.

A lot of good advice here. All I can add is "compromise".
You can't have a relationship and have evrything your way. Nor can he have it all his way. We all have to compromise. It sounds like he does'nt know how to do this yet.

No longer will it be "his" friends or "your" friends, but now it has to be "our" friends. A true friend is a real friend. The others are just people you know.

I would back off and try to see where his priorities are. Is it you our his friends....

Cowboy

Originally posted by Sage
Hmmmm?


His defensivness, (when you try to talk), would be a concern to me.
Seems he sure turns the tables onto you when you discuss matters.
This could mean his has something to hide.
Watch that, (closely).




Yep. That's my thoughts exactly. Pay attention to his suspecions and defensiveness....there's probaby a reason for it.

Sai

babes I disagree with you

I have good relationships with my ex husbands but never in my wildest dreams would I let that get in the way of a current relationship. I don't "fraternize" with them. I just wouldn't puke if I saw them.

I think this ex clinging thing is not good for current relationships. Yes it didn't work, yes there are aspects of that old relationship that could be "friends" but the fact is you slept with them. Now I understand when ex husbands or wives have to be in contact because of the children but if my husband was calling his ex wife to see "how she was" That would be the end of that.

In my mind people should let go of their past relationships and nurture the PRESENT ones.

And nothing you can say will make me feel different.

Thanks SwanQueen for you reply, I think that you are totally right. I do stay in contact with the girls dad because well he is the dad and we only discuss what day's we can have with the children or their health. Any ex-boyfriends that I have are exactly that, I no longer feel the need to reply to them or contact them in anyway. They would feel like I still had something for them and I don't want to give that impression. I like to make new friends with my current boyfriend and not linger about the past because their is nothing much to say except what we did or didn't do. That right there alone causes stress on any relationship it has nothing to do with Jealousy. I prefer my current boyfriend not call his ex girlfriends or talk with them or even go out with them. He never had any so called feelings for them it was purely a quick relationship. It just interfer's with things I think. I am not saying that I don't have some of his girlfriends as friends, because I do and they are good people, but it's not something I am willing to go share a movie or call them up and chat. I can be mature and handle "i bumped into and said hi" kinda deal. That's all. Other than that we have great communication, except my family doesn't like the age differences between us, they think he is over loving. Can you imagine that, I am happy for the first time and they have to critisize that too because he stroked my hair in public. OH well. I can't win em all. thanks again.

You know, some guys are introverts, and some are extroverts. Some are capable of intimate, mutually reciprocal relationships, and some keep in touch with other women to keep from getting too close and too intimate with just one. There's a book called, "Men Who Can't Love", and this is one such behavior of theirs. They aren't monsters to their gf's, on the contrary, they're very nice, they just can't seem to get too close or too monogamous. I'm not saying your bf is like that, but I've had lots of bf's, most of whom I've stayed friends with, and I'd NEVER put my friendship with any of them above someone I was in a relationship with. Besides, the one guy I do stay in touch with regularly comes to my house and includes my fiance, Robin, in with all of our conversations and "inside jokes". Robin feels comfortable around this guy and really likes him. If he didn't, I wouldn't hang out with the guy. Sure I like him a lot, sure he's a good friend, but he doesn't mean more to me than Robin's feelings or comfort level.

There's another guy, ex-bf of mine, that comes around every Christmas. He always calls to get together. Again, I never go out with him without Robin. Robin and I are a package deal, that's how I see it. If the guy is a true friend, like my girlfriends are, he's totally okay with me bringing Robin along, and tries to include Robin and make him comfortable. I wouldn't hang out with any guy who wouldn't be accomodating towards Robin. That would be disrespectful to Robin. If it's a truly platonic relationship, then there's no reason to have private conversations or "alone time". There's nothing Robin couldn't be included in, since HE'S my friend as well as my fiance.

People who are in commited relationships and are both dedicated to them, make them a priority above any friendships. It's fine to have friends. It's not fine to engage in any behavior, in the name of "friendship", that makes the other partner uncomfortable in any way. Relationships mean sacrifices. Real friends understand that, and want to see you happy. "Friends" with an alterior agenda will try to make the partner out to be some paranoid, selfish troll, when really, it's themselves who are being trollish!

on a day in day out daily basis...your priorities change. You let go of old flames, you focus on the new flame. It is called being a responsible, mature adult. Sounds like lover boy hasn't grown up yet. Sorry but...that is my take on it. Hadley

I really liked your post as I always do.

Very well put.

Sorry, but what's good for the gander is good for the goose. Personally, I think it's fine if he maintains friendships with his ex's, although I can see that you disagree.

But if he wants this freedom for himself, he has no business getting jealous or suspicious of anything you do. It's called a double standard and it's the sign of somebody with a controlling nature.

This relationship sounds to me like it needs more mutual trust all the way around.

What stops someone from cheating is that they don't want to cheat, because it's easy enough to do, no matter what obstacles a partner tries to put in your way.

So I'd vote for giving each other some freedom. If he genuinely loves you, his friends are no threat to you and yours are no threat to him.

perhaps:

Being that you live in such a tight space
he feels constricted (not that you don't).

He doesn't have his physical space (nor do you).

so, he's looking for other ways to get his space.

If you don't have the ability to change the situation, at least be aware that this may be contributing to what's going on. Reach out for understanding from one-another.

good luck!
Kerri

Hi! I think everyone has some meaning and I appreciate so much of what everyone say's, thank so much. I feel every relationship is different. If your in a relationship and one feels jealous over certain things and feels uncomfortable than I am willing to accomodate that, because i don't care. I won't even get mad, because I feel I have moved on, but when their are two sets of standards, that its okay to talk to his ex-girlfriends because they don't want him in the way that guys want me, which is totally untrue because MY Friends may think I am beautiful but I also know that they respect me. Now for example about just trusting his friends, I don't know his ex-s all 40 of them. When I was dating a guy named Andrei, I totallty trust him in everything, He even communicated with his ex- girlfriends on line or on the phone, HE treated me awesome.

Than One day, I walked in on him and he was confronting an ex about our relationship problems and she was saying that I was jealous and such and such, and he didn't say anything to her to defend it. Than, another time I was in the room while he was talking to an ex and what was supposed to be just friends was flirtatious and she said things like when she goes to bed please call me I'm bored.

Another time on New Years Eve he called another so called friend and wished her happy new year before I even got a kiss. I am not saying that I don't trust my current boyfriend because I totally do and I do know how faithful he is to me. I am saying that Its unhealthy to one point to contact ex-lovers that you only went out with for what 4 months just to chat and keep in touch. That doesn't even make sense to me. If it was years of friendship yes that's okay, but they would have to include me or I should be informed about plans if they were made without me.
A true friend would never come in between a great relationship, they would not take sides Nor would they try to over step their bounderies. I Know one girlfriend that he has that is only that a friend of many years, and I so totally trust her and him to even hang out together. But if I say go ahead, he automatically thinks that I am saying that cause now I am going to go do the same thing.
The difference is I wouldn't do that. I won't even take a ride home from a guy friend alone. I wouldn't call an ex when my boyfriend is not here I have a friend which I haven't even slept with, I have one in Australia for example that calls me sweetie and such, he is married, and my boyfriend doesn't want me communicating with him because he does make all these comments like sweetie and such and sends gifts, Now I put myself in my boyfriends place and I realize that would hurt me, and that he does think more of me than just a friend, so yes that is wrong and I can see my boyfriends point.
Anyhow, I think it's compromise, love, respect, understanding, patience, and working together as a team and being totally honest with eachother. Most and most important is communication! And listening to eachother without critisizing no one is better than the other if that was the case why would we be a couple! A couple works together loves together and shares together. MY Feelings are just as important to him as his are to me, and so IF something hurts him or is unreasonable I am willing to be flexible and respectful.
The last thing is Your right about he wants to keep them all around in case that he was going to lose me. I had to explain that it wouldn't happen, but that is insecurity on his part and nothing I can do about it except be patient. We all have had our run of the mill relationships. But I do feel that, #1 your partner is your first priority, and should be included in all you do, but a friend will not try to pull you away from your loved one. They should respect your feelings and include both of you. Well thanks again, everyone has great advice!

We have been dating for 5 months I'd say this is the root of your problem :rolleyes:

You've moved in (to small quarters) with a guy you have only known for a brief time. I'd say you're not only experiencing issues that affect all new age-gap relationships, but you're also dealing with all those bug-a-boos that pop up during the "we're now living together' phase.

Too much, too soon ;). Any chance you can retain the relationship, but live under separate roofs while you figure out what you're willing to except?

thanks for your advice ;) I appreciate it, but we are doing better, we are moving into a bigger room we talk things out, and we will be one of the couples that will make it work, because we have great communication. We spend alot of time go places, and do lots of things, sure we moved into so soon, but things happened that way, it was sort of thrown at us so we made the best of a bad situation. Now we are closer than ever, we worked out the ex thing too which is good, he respects my choices and I respect him so as long as we are both in agreement in it all will be fine.
I'll keep posting let ya know how things are going, thanks so much again.
ang