New Member Needs Advice

Hi Everyone! I'm glad you're here - I thought I was alone...I hope some of you can help me out. I feel like I'm in a mess! I'm a 35 year old woman who has been going through a very painful separation from my ten-year marriage for the last six months. I just moved back home to a very small remote island. A few months ago, I met a man 23 years old. At first, although I was indeed extremely attracted to him, I felt he was way too young for me and so I avoided him (as much as I could help myself :D ) But he continued to pursue me and tell me that age doesn't matter and that he was serious about his feelings. After a few weeks, I gave in to him and discovered....the best sexual partner I have EVER had in my LIFE. And also the best passion and cuddling...

Here it is several months later and I feel like I'm beginning to fall in love with him. I don't feel older than he is. I feel very comfortable with him and I know he has the same feelings for me because it is obvious when we are together. But....the problem is that we live on a very small island where everyone knows everyone. The first problem that happened is his parents disagreed with us being together and he's the youngest child, last left at home caring for his parents, of a very traditional Catholic home. Besides family, friends and aquaintances have been lecturing him on the downfalls of dating an older woman. I'm afraid that now it is he that is sceptical of whether or not we are truly compatible on a relationship level. We only see each other at my house at night so no one can see us together. He has said that he wants to leave this island with me and move somewhere else, but when I asked him if he thought could we have a relationship to the point where we could have children together (I really want more children...) , he said he doesn't know, he's not sure, because of our age difference. I don't want to push him into anything that he doesn't want, that's for sure, but it is so obvious that he's in love with me, too - he's just sad and confused now because of all the talk. I'm afraid to let my heart go too far and get hurt - again. But I don't want to, can't seem to, let him go. He makes me so happy. Does anyone have any advice for me? Or any adivice I can say to him? Thank you and much love to all. Daisy

Hi Daisy. Welcome to Ageless.

You will find in my posts that not only am I interested in a man 17 yrs younger than me, my youngest brother has been married for 20 yrs to a woman who is 12 yrs older than him. Matter of fact, I believe they were the same age as you and your YM when they met.

Despite my brother's situation, I personally came here because I felt uncomfortable with the 17 yr age gap between my YM and me at first. But, this site has helped me feel much more comfortable with it and that's because there are alot of wonderful people here who have had successful age gap relationships.

My brother and his wife are very happy together. Not only is there an age difference between them, but there is a cultural difference, too. And skin color differences. She is native born Puerto Rican with very dark skin and he is as fair and blond as you can get. All of this should not matter, but people have said things to them, so, they have had alot of things to deal with and have made it through because of their deep love for each other.

Love doesn't come along too often. So, I say forget what everyone in your small island community thinks about it. You have to live your own life. I say continue to see him if he makes you happy. But, don't rush into moving away or committing to him yet. You need some time for you to work through your feelings about your divorce first. And, sounds like he needs some time to work through things, too.

Best wishes to you.

Welcome to Ageless Daisy~

You came to the right place for information on Age Gap Relationships.
The people here are exceptional in offering their care, support and excellent advice.

Whiterose and BadDreamer made good points in their posts!!

I agree - don't push the baby thing with this man.
You mentioned that he is "caring for his parents".
Is he even able to leave this island?

It seems to me that he and you have become quite wrapped up in the sexual and physical aspect of this relationhip.
Your union hasn't been "tested" in the "real world" as you have reduced it to nightly trysts behind closed doors.
This kind of "locks" you into a fantasy world where your commitment is not able to build a very reliable or stable foundation for your future.

He says he wants to leave the island with you. Is this his way of "running away" from his reality. Yes, distance can be helpful, but he can never fully run away from the disapproval of his parents or other family members and friends.
It takes a strong, VERY strong commitment between two people when one or the other has to abandon or go against the approval of family and friends.
I am not saying that getting off the island would not relieve some of the pressure, as it might, but is he being realistic about how things will be once the two of you are off the island?
These are just things to consider.

In reading your thread, I sensed a kind of surreal type union between the two of you.
I am NOT saying that your feelings for him are not real or devoted, as I think they are, but you haven't mentioned much about the reality of your situation. Your children? Your ex? Your family? How much of your "real world" have you presented to him?

I guess my last point would be that you and him still have a LOT to talk about. There are many things to consider and pushing for a future with this man when there is still so much to put into perspective with what is happening NOW is a step I don't think you can take yet.
Granted you have been in this relationship with him for some time, but has it frozen in time? A relationship that only see's the dark of night may never be able to stand the glare of reality that comes with each day's sunrise.

I say take a step further and get out there with your relationship and then see what happens.
Don't wait around for the right moment to come where the two of you can flee this island to start a new life together as that day might never come.

Originally posted by BadDreamer999
Nevermind popular opinion in your island community!! go with your heart!! you and your guy obviously love one another, no need in hiding in closets so to speak..the age gap is not that big of a deal....13 years? so what! I personally think it is a perfect differance,if there is such a thing:)


Exactly!!!

If he really cares for you, he shouldn't give a rat's a$$ what other people think. :) Listen and follow your heart. Remember that old sayin', "Age ain't nuthin' but a number!", well, it's true.

Never let outside influences detour you from what your hearts feels best. ;)


joe

If this is supposed to be a serious relationship and is worth having, it should be worth dragging out into the light of day to see if you can live under whatever spotlight exists on your island. If both of you can hear the criticism and still want to be in it, then that's a good thing. At that time, maybe the right move is to move away, so you don't have to listen to the criticism. I always thought that the moment you knew someone was serious about a relationship really the moment when that person introduced their s.o. to their friends or family. If I was hidden away from the friends and family, I would question whether the person really wanted a relationship with me. When I have hidden my relationships, it is because I am not ready to expose them to the friends and family. Either one is a big test, both and you know you are in. Where are you going to run to where you won't face criticism? Doubt it. Are you going to run away to where his family and friends won't know or care? Doubt it. Are you going to run away and forget all about your past lives on this island? If you drag it out in the open and stay together, that should tell you the relationship can be strong and worth keeping.

A lot of good advice here. Like Captain said, drag your relationship out into the sun light and see if it stays alive. If he isnt ready, or isnt man enough to put you before "them", then maybe you should hold off on the love thing and just enjoy each other.

Wishing you the best

Cowboy

Hey - I want to thank each and every one of you for your outstanding replies (already!) and let you know how much they mean to me. I have never posted on a forum and had such intelligent and caring advice that made me see obvious points that I couldn't clearly see myself. I don't feel alone any more!

First off, you are sooo right about me talking about children already! I don't know if any of you OW have been through the divorce thing like I am going through, but it can leave you drained, thinking cloudy, and maybe a bit too needy! I have one son, just turned two, and I never expected to be getting divorced. I guess being 35 and having to start all over again is leaving me feeling like I need to be in a hurry - when I don't. I need to just slow down and enjoy myself. My problem is that I don't know how to be in a sexual relationship without putting my heart into it as well.

And yes, it is a relationship confined exclusively to the night. And you are also right that if he truly does love me, he needs to eventually stand up for me. We cannot possibly know if we have what it takes for a long-term relationship without experiencing life's daily activities together! And leaving our island to venture somewhere else without knowing this could be disasterous - for both of us.

One thing I didn't mention is we do also have a cultural difference. He is traditional Pacific Islander (Chamorro) and I am Caucasian. I was raised both here and in California so people here do know me, but I will always have that "outsider" label to some extent because I'm not Chamorro by blood.

Thank you again for your help already. You've helped me to slow down - and breathe again. Because I live on such a small isolated island, I don't have anyone to talk to about these feelings and you are truly appreciated. I look forward to sharing my experiences with you - and also sharing yours. I'm going to (slowly) express to my YM that if he wants to continue growing our relationship, we're going to have to start bringing it "into the light." Wish me luck. Daisy...

P.S. - Joe, the Marine...Thank you for showing me that my YM certainly isn't the only YM I can be attracted to! You are too cute! :D

I hope I did this right, but I wanted to post my picture so you can see who you're talking to, since I can see all of you! Shari

Hey, Shari, I am happy you found a place to discuss your situation, and even more that the answers helped you see you need more time to give this relationship a good chance.

I would like to ask you how these age gap relationships are seen in his culture and if people know at least that you are "friends". Maybe that would be a good start. You are still very young to worry about age.

And about your picture, if you want to put it in your avatar and don't know how, Swanqueen, Julianne, Celtic, are some of the names that come to my head as example of members who could do this for you, and maybe someone else who sees this first can help, too.

Welcome to the boards! :)

Maria Lux -

Thanks for the warm welcome. As for how our age gap is viewed in his culture, well...the majority of the people don't have a problem with it at all. Love is a big part of this culture and most people were telling me in the first place that age doesn't matter. It's just his family and friends his age that are giving him a hard time, mostly his parents. And I guess I should add that his parents give him a hard time about a lot of things! Someone in one of their posts mentioned that he may feel trapped in his life and not able to go out and grow on his own. This is true. But in this culture, honoring (listening to..) your parents is a huge part of life, especially if you are the youngest son and only left at home.

Yes, most people know we are friends. In fact, most people know we are together - we just don't show it in public because of his parents. But...he's already starting to show signs of changing. Last night I had errands to do and I guess he came over and I wasn't here. He drove around the island looking and asking for me - including my brother and my cousin's house. Then he ended up calling me from a party at his brothers house, which he promptly left. I guess they got upset he was leaving but he said, "I want to go be with Shari." This is unlike his usual behavior! So...the biggest thing I've already learned from this forum is to just slow down and let nature take it's course - take the pressure off of my shoulders. If it's meant to be, he will come around on his own. But eventually he will have to come to understand that in the long run, I only want a "real" relationship that is in the light of day...Otherwise he doesn't have a full commitment from me. But for now...I just LOVE being with him. It's as if I'm addicted to him....and I LOVE that feeling. :p

P.S. - And YES I do need help with the picture thing! I was trying to put it up by name like yours is.

Originally posted by Captain
I always thought that the moment you knew someone was serious about a relationship really the moment when that person introduced their s.o. to their friends or family. If I was hidden away from the friends and family, I would question whether the person really wanted a relationship with me. When I have hidden my relationships, it is because I am not ready to expose them to the friends and family.

I agree with this 100%. I also feel the same way. Maybe not in the beginning of the relationship, but if after a period of time.....If you are still not meeting family or friends, then either he is not man enough to stand up and say "this is who I"m with" which tells me he is still a "kid" and not quite a man yet, or he doesn't consider you "serious". One of the two.

Sail

Originally posted by Daisy


P.S. - Joe, the Marine...Thank you for showing me that my YM certainly isn't the only YM I can be attracted to! You are too cute! :D


Yeah, his girlfriend, Peachy, thinks he is pretty cute too.

Sail