How much is too much?

I've recently realized that I'm very attracted (both physically and mentally) to a man who is 21 years my senior. He and I have been good friends for two years now, and I feel like I know him pretty well. I'm comfortable saying that he is not someone who acts his age. He has a great outlook on life and is a breath of fresh air. When we're together, it seems everything is just meant to be. Is 24-45 too much age difference? Anyone have any ideas?

It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal!
There are people on this board who have 30+ years in between them. It's all in your heart...it's up to you if want to follow it or not ;)


~EM

p.s. welcome to the site :D

The ease at which it is coming together is scary and I refuse to let myself be frightened into not acting! What if this is the best thing that is ever going to happen to me? I don't think I could let myself tolerate the "what ifs" that would have to follow. I do know that my friends and family are going to just freak out though. How does that get dealt with?

It gets dealt with slowly, patiently, and with a lot of love.

My husband is 57 and I'm 31 - a 26 year age gap. I was so terrified about how my parents would react that I chose not to tell my parents about him for the first 3 1/2 years of our relationship. I was convinced they wouldn't be able to accept him and I would lose them. It took me 9 months without him to realize that I loved him, wanted him and would never be happy without him. At that point, I faced all my fears, dealt with some difficult times from my parents (in addition to the age, the fact that I had kept it all hidden for so long) and never looked back. For me, growing up meant realizing that I needed to do what made me happy and there just was no question that he was it for me.

Today, we're happily married going on 3 years and I just couldn't imagine my life without him. I love him more and more every day and I feel very grateful everyday for the blessing of his presence in my life.

The ease at which it is coming together is scary and I refuse to let myself be frightened into not acting! What if this is the best thing that is ever going to happen to me? I don't think I could let myself tolerate the "what ifs" that would have to follow. I do know that my friends and family are going to just freak out though. How does that get dealt with?

My OM (my now ex) said those exact words to me:

"What if this is the best thing to happen to me?" I guess he'll find out the hard way because he let everyone else make his choices for him. He hated knowing there was an age gap and that people may *gasp* be looking at us. What made it so hard was that I researched age gap relationships, read books, found this site, got support and he never knew the wiser. It's hard, but it does take time and understanding....with both of those comes love!

All the best, keep us posted!

~Evett

hey licorne!! Welcome to Ageless.....

Well Em did sum it up here.. it is definatly only an issue if you make it one...

I am 28 years old married to a 45 year old man and I am now about 4 weeks pregnant and More in love than I ever have in my life... If I let my insecurities run away with me I wouldn't be where I am now... I would of regretted it...

So follow your heart It will show you the way... remember age is just a number!!!!

He's out of town this week and has been calling me at really early morning hours. So, he's always really hyper and hanging out with the coworkers on his trip. Apparently, after a few shots of tequila last night, he leaked out that he was in love. When he called me from his hotel room, his buddy there took the phone and started asking me twenty questions to see if he could find out who I was. It just really warmed my heart to hear J laugh like a teen about his girlfriend back at home. It is silly but the little things make me happy.

Thanks for the great welcome you guys!

MerALove23: Congratulations on your pregnancy! I wish you all the luck in the entire world.

WOW! That is so sweet!

I remember when my husband went on a camping trip with his buddies about 4 months into our relationship. He walked 2 1/2 miles one day to find a phone in order to call me. He told me that the buddies were acting like 12-year-old girls and planning our wedding. He also told me that he had fallen in love with me.

I grinned and giggled for the next week. :-)

By the way, we have 18 years between us -- I am 34, he is 52.

Welcome Licorne!!
My honey is 42 and I am 21...we have been together for over 2 years now. This is the best relationship I have ever had, I am so in love. Don't let the age thing be a factor at all!! I'm tellin' ya...it doesn't matter if he's your age or if he's double your age.

I can relate to you completely.... 'C' (my SO) acts very youthfull for his age, he's so full of life. It is like a breath of fresh air.
My advice to you: Go for it girl! Don't hold yourself or let anyone else hold you from finding happiness :-) And, keep visiting us...we are always here to offer any kind of advice; many of us here have become quite good friends as well.
*People who try to give you their negative input are just uneducated in this area...they see a young woman with an older man and immediatley draw the typical 'society made' conclusions. Just a little FYI ;-)

Got another call last night. :) I don't think I've ever missed anybody so much when they were out of town. I usually have more control than this, but oh well. What can I do really?

I think the way I'm going to proceed with this is to keep it under wraps from my family and most of my friends. He and I are coworkers and this place is a serious rumor mill. Because he is 21 years older than me and because he's my coworker, it is definitely not in our best interest to let the cat out of the bag any time soon. If things go well, one of us might even have to get a new job. Has anyone dated a coworker like this before?

Thanks Licorne!!!!!!

and to let you know Thats how me and my husband met.... We both worked for the same place... I did end up quitting but We worked together for over a year....... I loved it... we were latteral so we didn't have to worry about the boss/subordinate thing but still it's better I 'm not with him anymore there...... But it can work as long as you separate the both!!!!! sometimes it's very hard to separate the both so you have to!!

Good Luck sweetie

Mer

Hi Licorne -- my husband and I met at work, as well. He was not my direct supervisor, but basically my supervisor's supervisor.

We actually did not keep it a secret from our co-workers, and it helped to squelch the rumors. You of course have to do what is right for you, but we found that when we told people we were going out on a date, many people laughed and said "well, it's about time." Of course, our company didn't have a policy against office romance (actually, we were the 3rd couple to be married from our "team" -- one more is getting married in the Spring).

One thing he did do though, was go to the HR department and get himself taken out of anything having to do with my future in the company (raises, promotions, reviews, etc.) He had another manager do that for me, so that there would never be a conflict of interest no matter what happened.

I ended up quitting the job a little bit after we got married, but it actually worked out just fine for us. We had very strict "rules" though. At work, we were ABSOLUTELY nothing but co-workers. No calls, no personal conversations of any kind (we did send emails though). Then after we were at least 2 blocks from the office, we would get to kiss and hold hands again.

In fact about 6 months before our wedding, someone came up to me and asked if we were still dating - he hadn't heard any rumors about us for a long time. :-)

Ok, setback #1. :( Turns out that on tequila night with the guys out in New Mexico, they all went to a strip club! In his desire to be totally honest with me, I was informed that his buddy bought a lap dance for himself and my man. So, not only was it a strip joint, there was lap dancing too. Now, somebody please tell me if this is a total crock or not: He says he whispered to the girl that he was in love with me, she said she appreciated his honesty and asked if he was going to tell me about this. He says he told her he'd have to tell me. He told me that the last time he went to a strip club was in '92 and that it isn't something that I should be worried about. He said he thinks that we were meant to be together and that he only wants me. He said the situation wasn't okay because it hurt my feelings and he doesn't want to do that. In essence, he said all the right things. And he apologized. He closed the phone call telling me how much he loves me and misses me while he's out there. I feel so freshman in this. I'm 23 and he's 44. He's a grown man who's been the very definition of a bachlor for at least 3 years. I want to believe the things he tells me but then again, I don't want to be the one with the rug pulled out from under me at the end of this. Any thoughts? Why does love have to have speed bumps? :)

OHhhhhh..... well, here is my tid-bit. I think the fact that he was honest is a good sign; the fact that he went to a strip club is a bad sign. I'm not going to push my beliefs on anyone...but personally it would break my heart if my man went to a strip joint. That is sooooo bad..... if this truely hurt you, you should be sure to talk to him about this! Again, he is 44....it makes me wonder why a grown man would be going to a strip club when he is in a relationship. Its dis-respectful and its a good thing he apologized. God, I don't understand what is so appealing about strip clubs anyways!!! Its so disgusting http://instagiber.net/smiliesdotcom/otn/puke/barfy.gif
Anyways, I won't get into that area...
Depending on what YOU believe is acceptable or not. You need to make the call....He needs to get a spanking for this. Why did he think it was O.K. to go and look at practically naked women and drool with his buddies??? Ugh...
I'm going to stop now before I get tooo wound-up. You guys need to have a talk for sure.


OH!! and me and my honey also met at work :-)

I don't have a problem with strip clubs necessarily (lap dances are a bit much, though), but the idea that he only went because his friends told him to and he only got a lap dance because his friend told him to would be a concern. If he allows his friends to make his decisions for him and doesn't use his own values as a guide for his behavior (at least when he's been drinking), then that doesn't sound like a very stable situation to me. He could be the greatest guy in the world when he's with you, but if his friends are up to no good then that might rub off on him.

Ok, here's why I trust him when he tells me things. On Saturday night, he told me something about himself that could literally bring his entire world down around him if it got out. He didn't have to tell me, and certainly put himself at risk for telling ANYBODY, but he told me that he wants there to be no secrets between us. It is something I would have never found out, too. Because if this example, I really believe him when he tells me things. If he says I don't have to worry about the strip club thing, based on his prior actions, I'm inclined to believe it and just let it go. I mean, what can I do anyway? If he does something like the other night again, I can act, but until then I have to give him his chance.

I agree with Pink..... he MUST be able to stand up for his own values. Hopefully he doesn't allow his buddies to talk him into doing things all the time.
This was a one time thing, so if you aren't too bent-out of shape about it and willing to give him another chance...then go for it. The fact that you have handles the situation like you have so far shows you are strong. And it sounds like your connection with him is very true......just be aware in the future that he did slip once.

I guess I don't see the harm in going to a strip club, honestly. Unless you had specifically told him you felt it was wrong, or that you would be hurt if he did. Lots and lots of people (adults too) cave into peer pressure, and unless there is a pattern of him not being able to "stand up for himself", I wouldn't worry about this one incident.

I think the fact he told you about it, he came clean, is the really relavent fact. It also sounds like you are at the very beginning of a relationship, so maybe things have to be worked through and understood. (i.e. if it does make you uncomfortable that he sometimes goes to strip clubs, you have to make this known to him.)

It sounds to me like he trusts you a lot with his secrets and with his feelings - all the beginnings of a good relationship.

My .02.

-MB (who has gone to a strip club or two in her time.)

Thank you! That is an extremely valid point! It is a new relationship and I know that in our past conversations the idea of a strip club has never come up. It is fair to say he didn't know how I'd feel about it and I think he'd definitely hesitate next time the subject comes up with his buds.

As far as the peer pressure goes--it has been my impression that this guy doesn't succumb to peer pressure just like that. Unless this is a new thing presenting itself, I can say he's got his own backbone. I wouldn't have been attracted to him like I am if he didn't.

You guys are so great. I have only two dear friends I've told about this. I can't tell my coworkers because of the culture of my office. I work on a contract for the federal government. I'm a contractor and he's a federal employee and that makes this definite us v. them attitude. And, because he's in a position of authority, he's got that working against him as well. I haven't told my parents because I just got out of a very serious relationship and I won't want them to draw the wrong conclusions about what is happening here. I don't think the age gap is going to be as bad for them as I've read it is for others' parents, though. The guy I just broke up with was 10.5 years older than me and my parents didn't really even blink. I just don't want them to think I'm acting hastily and making a mistake. They wouldn't understand how this feels. Anyway, I appreciate the support from all of you. I love reading your stories, as well. It makes me feel a little less like a rogue state.

correction: it hasn't been my impression that this guy does succomb to peer pressure just like that.

Sheesh. ;)

Licorne,

I'm new here but I feel the same as you..my OM, 'J' , travels a lot with work..I love when he calls and when I call him in the evening. (Thank goodness for cell phones! LOL )..we speak just about every day when he is away. Boy, do I still miss him.

We have been together for 9 weeks..he is 57 and I am 37..everytime we talk it's like talking face to face :)

Yes, cell phones are a blessing for sure.

He got back from the trip and had been kidding me about what kind of little present he was going to bring me--he told me I was getting a rubber change purse. You know, those kinds that are football shaped that you squeeze on either end to open it. Well, the joke was so funny to me that I definitely wouldn't have minded actually getting one of those. When we got to my car from the airport, he pulled something out of his pocket and gave it to me. It was a red change purse! LOL. Earlier on the phone, he had told me he was going to put two nickels in it, so I opened it up looking for them. Inside was a very very lovely silver bracelet with multicolored amber stones! What a cutie, huh? :)

My mom called me last night on my cell phone while I was at J's place. I let her believe I was at my apartment because I'm not ready for her to know anything about what's going on with me. One reason I'm not ready is because I'm not totally sure about this relationship. After all, it is only 2 weeks old. The other reason is because I just want to have it to myself instead of dealing with the inevitable complications that parents would impose. Anyway, she asked me about J again and asked me his last name. I told her and she said she hadn't heard that name before and was it Italian. I laughed and said no. The reason this is a funny mother story is because in her tone of voice and the questions that she asks of me, I KNOW she's got her nose in the air smelling that something's going on. Moms are sometimes psychic about things like this. At least, mine is. Anybody else?

My thoughts are that strip clubs are no big deal. In fact, they are boring as H.E. dbl L. The drinks are expensive and the well booze is often rot gut. The only good thing about the strip club in the next town over is the pool tables. Since they are small tables and not well leveled, that says something;)

As to strip clubs and what goes on inside... watch out for the bouncers. Touch a girl and look out, them bouncers can get real:mad:

All in all, strip clubs are cheesy. Some do have some class in the decor.

Many years ago a few of us from the biz went to Atlanta to the COMDEX. 3 of us were guys, one was 'A'... and she was lesbian. We went to a strip club (about 9pm) and it was the usual... boring... except for 'A'. Most dancers are either married (normally happily), or lesbian. 'A' got invited back to the dressing rooms. She had a smile on her face. She enjoyed having a lap dance, big grin on 'A's face.

It was so boring I called a cab and went back to the hotel (yes, that is what I did). The other 3 got back about 3am. All in all, only 'A' had a good time.

The best fun was busting on 'A' about it for months afterwards.