hi...new here with questions

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I'm 25 and the woman I love is 41. It's also a long distance relationship. She's got two children, who are almost my age. Knowing all the judgments there are about this kind of relationship, and all the problems that can occur I find myself scared. Yes, I must say I'm afraid of society's judgment, even if I know I shouldn't and even if I know it's not what matters in life. I already know what my family's reaction would be like...they would consider it immoral.

Knowing all these problems I could possibly face, is it worth it to go on? I know I really want to, and I know I'm scared, too. I want to bang my head against the walls, to be honest. I'm going crazy with all these conflicting feelings in my head. How do you deal with society's judgment on your relationship? I know no man is an island and those things can get to you...how about having a social life? I don't want to hide. What about the future? I ask myself these questions and find no answers. It's tough. I'm tired of these complications. I don't know what to do...if I stop now I will not forgive myself for doing it. If I go on, I may hurt her, things may not work out, I will have to deal with the rejection of my family and society at large...seen under this light the choice seems clear, but still...I know how complications can destroy even the purest of loves.

But most of all I don't want to hurt her...

Sorry to come here like that and just whine like this. I want to know if my relationship has any future, if it's actually possible in this world...how strong you need to be to keep it...

Thanks for listening,

Cryptic

You are starting to ask the right questions and will need to answer them for yourself. Either you choose her and the possible difficulties she comes with or you choose not to be with her and find someone your friends, family, etc. will accept as your mate. Which one will make you happier? Do you have the backbone to be the island? Will your family ever accept it? Will your friends? Do you care about your friends accepting it? As far as hurting her, breaking it off now would probably hurt her less than doing it later. But, either way it is probably going to hurt. To me it sounds like it is too late for the pain free exit, in any direction.

Captain,

You're right, whether I stop now or later it will hurt anyway. I wish I was stronger, I wish those things that don't matter, such as society's judgment, wouldn't matter to me. Intellectually I can tell myself it doesn't, but if I'm honest with myself I know it does. Maybe it's time to stop thinking like that, maybe it's time to start living the things that really matter in this life. Maybe that's the real question. The problem isn't the relationship, the problem is me, how I live and how I think.

Thanks for your excellent questions and advice...

Cryptic

Your welcome, but thanks should really go to the guilt I carry around with me from a couple of my prior relationships.

Zephirine -

Could I live with myself if I didn't try?

NO!

That doesn't make the situation any easier but it sheds some light on what really matters...

We're only on this earth for a short time...love doesn't knock on your door every day. You can't fail as long as you keep trying...the only defeat is when you stop trying, when you stop hoping and dreaming.
Thank you.


Captain -

I'm sorry about the guilt you experienced from past relationships. I have some in stock too! Words that weren't said, letting fear guide me instead of listening to my heart...


Cryptic

Originally posted by cryptic
I'm 25 and the woman I love is 41.

Knowing all these problems I could possibly face, is it worth it to go on?


Bro, with love comes many things: hurt, pain, loss, happiness, fulfillment, content, joy, etc. . .
When you love someone, there is never a question of acceptance. So basically, the question you should be asking yourself is: Is loving her worth it?

Answer: YES!!! Because you already do. :)


joe

Well said, Joe, well said.

Cryptic it's time to learn that YOUR opinion of your life is what should matter most to you. We rarely regret things that we choose to do; we mostly regret things we didn't act on or let get away from us.

There are OW/YM age gaps on here of 25 and 30 years!

We all have to decide what WE can live with and what makes US happy.

Good heavens! What a worrier! You have met a wonderful woman and fallen in love with her. That is all you need to think about. Congratulations! Enjoy your relationship.

Hi Cryptic and welcome to ageless:)

As I was reading your post, my first thoughts were "only he can decide how far out on the limb he will go for love"

I know this probably isnt news to you, but ANY committed relationship is not without some kind of problems. And as far as age gap problems, I personally, dont think they're as big as people who are new to them fear they will be. What I mean is, its alot scarier beforehand than once you're in the relationship. Sooner or later, the years between you just seem to disappear and there is just love. And love knows no age.

Are you absolutely sure your family will be so harsh toward you? At first they may be hesitant that she is older, has been married or has kids. But with time, they may come to love her and her kids too. Alot of times we anticipate things to be wayyyy worse than they turn out to be. I know you know them better than anyone, but maybe you should give them the benefit of the doubt.

Now, speaking from a parent's point of view - I cannot choose who my children fall in love with. I can only hope that whoever my son marries makes him happy and whoever my daughter marries makes her happy. Period. And that IS truly all I wish for them...happiness. I havent been faced with the situation yet, but for right now, I'm planning on doing my best to accept whoever my kids choose to love.

But the bottom line is...YOU are the one who has to make the decision. YOU are the one who has to live with yourself either way. And like Joe said, "is loving her worth it?"

Good luck and keep us posted!!

Southerngal

Hello Cryptic and welcome.
Remember you are in a relationship,,,,,,period. It doesnt matter if it's an age gap relationship or not.
"Can it work"? Yes it can. I was 23 she was40. We've been married 25 years now.
I say go for it. If it fails, you have loved and lost. You wont know till you try.
Family is important, but you have to live your life for you and her. Once they see you two are really in love, things will get better. Trust me.
Best of luck to you both


Cowboy

not whom they can live with, but whom they can't live without. If you don't follow your heart, you will be miserable one day when you wake up and realize that you passed up a good woman because you let others make your life's decisions for you. Remember, as Ageless says, "What matters is love and mutual attraction." Hadley

To counter what Hadley stated, men and women alike are equal in that arena. A woman can easily wake up one day and pass up a good man. ;)

Look, let's not totally over do this. Some people will have a problem with it. Some people won't. Some people will be happy that the two of you have found someone special. And the majority of the world really doesn't care one way or the other.

Yes, family stuff can be difficult. They care, they worry, they have expectations. But unless they are a bunch of psychos, they do genuinely want you to be happy and your job is to convince them that you know, understand and heck, even share their concerns, but you just couldn't let this chance for someone special go by. Eventually, they'll probably come around.

And as for friends, there are plenty of people that will judge you for you and not your age, and even a few that will find your relationship genuinely interesting and even brave and kinda cool.

Admittedly, not everyone will share your joy, but I'm not sure that you really have to be an island unto yourself. Maybe more like a peninsula :>

Thank you, everyone, your words have helped more than I thought possible. Actually I kinda thought I was alone in this situation, and that such a relationship had no future. But now I know it's the not case and it makes a huge difference.


I've decided to go on, no matter what...

Thanks again,

Cryptic

Thanks, Zephirine and babes66, for the welcome and the advice...and for just being here. It's strange because everything seems clear now, I no longer have doubts about what I've got to do. The war inside my head is over, for now...

Cryptic

I have sent you my 2 bobs worth, but I accidentally sent it as a new post. So, you might want to click onto my posting. I was here a few months ago, but quit because I thought I had finished with my fellow. Well...............apparantly not. I'm Lorraine and I've started a new thread. It should have been here, so sorry about that. Anyway, hope you can answer my questions.

All the best, Lorraine.:)