I'm new

Hi, I have been reading posts on this site, but haven't posted anything yet. So I guess you'd say I'm new. :) I am 18 and my OM is 43. We are best friends and I have never felt this way about anyone before. He also feels the same way. But he is very insecure when it comes to me. He does get jealous easily and when we are out I am afraid to look anywhere because if he sees a guy in the direction I am looking he will get jealous and say that I'm looking at that guy and he makes comments like "Why don't you just go talk to him". If he sees someone younger than him he'll say things like "I'm sure you'd rather be with him". But the truth is I don't want anyone else, I love him and I don't stare at other guys when he says that I do. He just assumes that I am because he is insecure about himself. I don't know how to get it through his head that I love him for who he is, and if I wasn't happy with him, or if I wanted someone younger than I wouldn't be with him. I tell him that all the time but it never seems to do any good. This is pretty much our only problem in our relationship. And the fact that I am in college and he thinks that I would rather have a college guy than him. It's very frusturating. :mad: I hope this makes sense. Any ideas? Thanks for listening.

Jennifer

Welcome to the site Jennifer,

As for his jealousy, well its a very hard thing to deal with and it is one that will erode away at a relationship.

You need to call him on it quickly! I know from experience that it will only snowball as the relationship progresses. Then in time you will find yourself being resentful or telling him things like 'well if your going to keep accusing me I'll just find somebody else to look at' or 'no I wasn't looking at him but now I think I will'.

Before you know it his fears will push you away from him. You need to have a serious conversation with him about it. Tell him not only how you feel about him but most importantly how you feel about having to constantly re-assure him.

Let him know that his insecurities are just that...His! And that he needs to work on them to be able to enjoy the relationship, not only for himself but for it to work for both of you.

Best of luck and do keep us posted..

Don

Thanks for replying. I have talked to him about it numerous times. He even admits he's insecure. He's gotten a little better, but it still bugs me. He is so afraid of losing me when I do nothing to make him think that. He's lost people in the past, and I guess he's terrified of it happening again. I'm not sure what to do. :confused: I really do love him and there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. I just need him to know that.

Jennifer

I agree with Rolls, but I think his insecurity is only one part of the problem. Jealousy, possessiveness, and control are very closely related, and they all stem from a basic insecurity. It's a small jump from "don't look at that guy" to "don't go out with your friends anymore." If he doesn't even trust you when he's right there, how would he trust you if you're out somewhere without him? It's easy to overlook controlling behavior if you dismiss each individual comment one at a time. If you add it up and see a pattern, however, you need to have a serious talk with him and set some boundaries on how you expect to be treated. If he's really that insecure he may not even realize what he's doing, but you still need to set him straight or it may get worse.

Those two people above me give very good advice.

In fact, LovinTim, you'll find the very subject you have brought up has been the bane and frustration of many a younger woman on this side of the board - their partner's insecurity about the relationship.

Remember that it's HIS insecurity.

It's your problem because it affects you emotionally, it's a bit of a bummer to hear him keep saying it - but if you do all you can do (which is what you sound like you're reasonably doing) - then it really is HIS problem and you shouldn't beat up on yourself too much.

Eventually, unless he conquers his insecurity, or manages it better, or keeps it to himself, or any number of strategies - he'll lose you.

The insecurity becomes a self actuating prophecy.

Also, Pink is right on the money there. Human behaviour is complex, there might be many more things under the surface, but for now, just communicate YOUR feelings as clearly as possible, be clear about yourself, and if he can't step up to the plate and he continues to bum you out - it'll eventually be time for you to move on. And you'll know when that is.

:)

http://www.gifs.net/animate/welcome3.gif

I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that your OM name is......ummmm.....Tim? LOL

It's good to have you here with us, LovinTim and hope you enjoy your stay here for you've come to the right place for support and advice.

Insecurity and jealousy are hard things to deal with! I hate that part of it. Just remind him that you are with him, the proof is in the pudding, and that he could just as easily get swept away by someone else as you could. Besides, if you're gonna have a strong relationship it has to be built on trust and open communication. I think the relationship I'm in is the first I've ever had where he and I were totally open, even with the things that you don't typically want to know. Just kiss his cheek and tell him he's your man. Tell him if you wanted a co-ed you'd have one. Instead, you choose him and nothing could be better.

How can I top that advice.. they are all very good....Just try and rectify it now though because jealousy can consume you and him and it could be very dangerous... Jealousy makes people do crazy things... Just keep your eyes and ears open... and just assure him that he's the one you want and Talk to him tell him how you feel about this because it could in the long run damage your relationship...f riendship wise and intimate relationship also....

Good Luck and Be honest

Mer

Thank you all for your good advice. I thought I have done all that I can to try to get it through his head that I am with him because I love him and if I wanted someone else than I would find someone else. I will talk to him more and hopefully try to get through to him. Thanks again! :)

Jennifer

He won't talk to me. He tells me he doesn't want to talk about it, and that he wants to be alone. Yes, he is EXTREMELY moody..probably because of his diabetes. (He found out he had diabetes about a year ago). He told me he has always been one to keep to himself. He has opened up to me a lot in the past, and I can't seem to figure out why he won't open up to me now. He seems depressed and it's making me depressed. He thinks everyone is "out to get him" and that everyone he loves will eventually hurt him. I want him to understand that I am not ever going to hurt him. There's probably not much any of you can say to this, I just needed to vent. I am going to keep trying to get through to him..and get him to talk to me. It's very frusturating. :mad: He tells me I'm different from anyone else and that I am his best friend (among other things :) ). I guess it's just how he is, and when he wants to talk he'll talk.. I HOPE. Well, if you've read this thanks for listening.

Jennifer

Jennifer,

I'm sorry about the situation your in right now :( I know it cant be easy...

The best advice I can give is to continue to be there for him. Sooner or later it will sink in, in his mind and heart that you Love him and just want to be with HIM. Somtimes Love just takes time.. it also takes alot of patientce and understanding, things that you seem to already be doing!!!

Just hang in there!

-Softiee

Hi LovinTim,

I've just been in my relationship w/ my OM for 3 months..he has just started "asking" who I spend my time with, when not with him..nicely, like if I say "we had lunch outside because it was beautiful"..he asked, "mind if I ask who "we" are?".. small things like that.. I actually liked it because it showed that he cared (imho)

Othertimes he would say similar things, and I asked him..how would he feel if I was doing such and such with a younger man..he said that he would be jealous but that he would understand..this actually did not settle well with me..and told him that I didn't want him to understand that and that I loved him...there would be no others while I was with him..

I agree..try to see if there is some way to deal with his jealousy, because it can ruin a relationship. If this gets worse in our relationship, then we will be having a talk..I don't like feeling jealous and I don't want him too either.

We all get jealous sometimes, but he just gets jealous WAY too much. I think that I'm getting used to it now and I just ignore him. Eventually he'll know that I am always going to love him and if I wanted someone else I would find someone else. Thanks for your input.

Jennifer

I know what you mean about the jealousy thing Jennifer. My man does it aswell. I just try and take it to mean that he loves me loads!

:)

x

Just like to add as well though, i get very jealous also!! Even of female collegues etc. I dont know why cos i trust him completely. Its just that i think everyone fancies him (which i suppose is a good thing) but it still makes me jealous!!!!

x

Yeah, I know that he loves me a lot and that he's so worried about losing me. He's lost people he loved before and he tells me he doesn't trust anyone. He's been through a lot in his life, and I am just trying to make it better, not worse. I just wish he'd see that.

Yeah, I know that he loves me a lot and that he's so worried about losing me. He's lost people he loved before and he tells me he doesn't trust anyone. He's been through a lot in his life, and I am just trying to make it better, not worse. I just wish he'd see that.

I can echo all of that, i know how you feel

x