Could use some advice

A few months ago I met a woman who is 12 years older than me (I'm 38). Things started out as a fling but soon we were both deeply in love. I know she loves me very much, probably more than any man she ever met. I love to make her happy. When I think of her and the reasons I love her, its a mixture of her personality, the way she cares for me and my sexual lust for her.

She is very attractive and when I'm with her I just can't "see" her as a 50 year old. Problem is that by nature "looks" are very important to me. I know it's shallow, but that's the way I am. She knows this and is worried that I'll leave her when she gets older and her looks will fade. I'm not with her because I can't find anyone else, In fact I've got a 34 year old that's after me right now but she just does not "click" with me like my older babe.

I don't want her to get hurt. She is also pressuring me for some greater commitment, marriage. I just don't feel ready yet. Should we continue with the romance and see where it goes, or should we end it asap before one of us get hurt too much?

I'm all mixed up.

I agree with Trish. And I would add that if she's beautiful for you now, she'll always be beautiful. Think of your mother, has she turned ugly? Once we love someone, we don't see time passing.

As for marriage, you both need time. I don't think you are that much in love yet and if she needs an immediate committment in order to feel safe, I think you should be honest. Say you are not ready, but you would like to see where this is taking you.

That is a great point Maria about thinking of your mother. I can think of a lot of women I have known since I was young and they do age but they seem almost more beautiful as they do. I guess because I love them and they are more wise and more at peace with life and themselves. Hmm...I think life really does begin after 40!

I tell you Hawk, my bf of two years is 22 years younger and I am the one who worries about this same thing. He is so positive and reassuring that he will not even notice my aging because he will love me even more deeply after all the years together.

Hawk, maybe this just has more to do with your not being ready for a commitment than it does how important looks are to you. It seems to me this is more the issue. If she is worried about how you would feel about her as she gets older, yet wants a commitment from you maybe that is really what you need to figure out. I think all relationships have a risk of future hurt. Nothing ventured...nothing gained.

Keep talking. Take some time. You two will figure out what you want to do.

Best wishes.

I agree with Maria and Tru. I also was worried about the same issues, but my mother always reassured me that when you are in love, you don't even notice the changes. Having said that though, I always kept in the back of my mind that there are always going to be people (male and female) who do things like leave their significant other over things like weight gain....... :( I choose to believe those people were never really in love though.

These are fears...her fears of the ageing process and you possibly leaving her as she ages, and your fears that maybe she could be right! And fears are normal in any relationship, no matter what the age of the parties involved. So no, I would not stop seeing your g/f because you think something like this could possibly happen in the future. You could be ending something that could turn out to be the best relationship in your life, over something that most likely will not ever happen.

Having said all that, these issues are very very very normal in age gap relationships...something we have dealt with a lot of times here on the boards. Run a seach here, read some threads, and even ask your g/f to do the same. There is an entire wealth of information here on this exact issue. And, most people in longstanding relationships, such as Tru, have indeed worked through these issues to the point where they are no longer a factor.

Of course, as always, this is just my opinion. A relationship is always a leap of faith, there are always fears and issues to be dealt with and worked out....The actual question is whether you are committed enough and the relationship is important enough to you to stick it out and work through the issues.

Most ow worry about how they will appear to their ym as the years pass. The worry diminishes after a few years, and the ym's trustworthy behavior has put the ow at ease. That doesn't mean she lets herself go, it just means she no longer obsesses about it.

Your gf's urgency to push some type of a commitment comes from her experience. She has been through relationships, and doesn't believe in wasting time. Either you're the type to commit, or you're not. OW really don't like to play house, or games. Most ow (MOST, not all) are looking for someone who will be in it for the long haul. They're done with the dating scene, they're so totally over living with someone, they want a man who loves and respects them enough to ask their hand in marriage. It gets harder to find a man THEY want as time goes by.

If she's pressuring you for more of a commitment, I suggest you seriously think about it. You're in your late 30's, you're old enough to know what you want, you love this woman, you lust this woman, she's a dream to you, she has an insecurity about the age gap but I believe if you're trustworthy and faithful to her it will go away, so I think you should really think seriously about just how much she means to you. How would you feel if you didn't commit, and she ended up with someone else? How would you feel if something happened to you in your life, and you were less productive for some reason, and she would have been the only person to stand by you, but you let her go?

Smart women look for men who are not only physically attracted to them (and vice-versa) but men who know what it means to stand behind a promise, what it means to go through good times and bad, and come out on top, men who are able to commit and love with their whole being, give a relationship 110%. If you aren't able to do that, you should let this lovely lady go, so she can find a man who can, and will.

What if she gets disfigured in an accident? Will you stop loving her? Getting older is'nt the only thing to worry about in a relationship. You will never know till you try. I say give it some time.


Cowboy

Even that 34 yr old who chasing you, will age...will you leave her too when she's 50 and you're what 54. Will you leave her if she's in an accident and disfigured.

I would think that at this stage in your life, you would know what is really important in a relationship. but just in case, you're in doubt, then let her pursue other options. She's deserves a man mature enough to see her for the phenomenal woman she proably is.

If you 38 and not ready for commitment, then believe me, it doesn't get any easier to make that decision as you spend more time with her, unless you just jump right in and trust in yourselves to work this out. Although you may love her, it seems to me, that she's loves you more then you love her or all these other issues, would not be a problem.

Paris

I don't know, but I don't really believe you love this woman. How could you really have such deep feelings that you might consider marriage, if you have to ask our opinion as to if you should stay in the relationship?

I'm 50. I have every intention of staying as fit and as attractive as I possibly can forever! But, I also know that regardless of how attractive I am as an older woman, I will not look "young" until I'm 90. So have a reality check. You obviously have a very high standard that she will have to live up to. That's not fair.

If you really love her, you'll think she's beautiful whatever her age is. But the fact that you are talking about your younger woman,( "In fact I've got a 34 year old that's after me right now but she just does not "click" with me like my older babe.") leads me to believe that your questions regarding this are too strong to not interfere with your relationship.

Of course, as Trish said, 10 years from now she may not think you're good looking enough for her! Wouldn't that be something?!

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who is taking the time to write in. I've been reading all the posts and they have been giving me some food for thought.

The posts seem to be falling into 2 categories.

1. You love her, she love you. There are some fears of the future, but fears are normal, so...since we are happy together so lets just see where it goes. If you really love each other, those fears will disappear, if not at least you've enjoyed some great times with each other. And hey, if her age difference does not matter to me right now (which it dosent at all), it probably wont matter in the future either.

2. Since I'm in my late 30s I should know if I'm ready for a commitment, even if its only been a few months. By commitment its unconditional love for the rest of our lives no matter what happens to the other partner on a physical level. If I'm not ready I'm just wasting her time since there is someone better than me out there.

If you really love her, you'll think she's beautiful whatever her age is. But the fact that you are talking about your younger woman,( "In fact I've got a 34 year old that's after me right now but she just does not "click" with me like my older babe.")

As it says in my original post, I mention the "younger" woman because I want to make it clear that:
1. I'm not with her just to get some "action"
2. DESPITE the age difference I actually prefer my older hottie!

Of course, as Trish said, 10 years from now she may not think you're good looking enough for her! Wouldn't that be something?!

I highly doubt it, I hit the gym 4-5 times a week (and have been doing so for 20 years), tan and take care of my looks. Everyone I meet judges me 5 to 10 years younger than I am. Hey I'm no Adonis but I'm not chopped liver either.

But regardless, thank you for sharing your opinion.

Thanks for the encouraging, and beautiful, words, Trish. I never had a problem with your original post. It seems there were taken out of context, just like my reference to a younger woman.

The truth is that usually I'm one of those guys that lusts after younger women. But when I'm with my girl it's like I fall under some beautiful spell, everything feels right like I'm living in a dream. I know in my mind that she is 50, but in my heart it just does not seem to matter. I like the way she laughs, her face lights up when she sees me and when I make the effort to remember the "little" things she likes. Rockin her back and forth in my arms. She's so much fun hanging out at home, watching a movie or listing to some tunes. I feel proud to take her out and she is such a classy and sexy dresser. In bed I worship her from the tips of her toes to the top of her head.

I can't explain why I feel this way, but I do. It seems so sad to give up something that makes us both happy.

Yet I'm not ready to commit for marriage. Despite the quick assumptions of others here, though I'm 38 and have had women, I'm a bit of a late bloomer (actually so is she) and I really havent had any deep relationship experience. All those things I wrote above are my true feelings, but having known her only 3 months, I just don't know how much of it is love and how much is lust. Is it bad to adore her physical aspects? After all my lust makes me a great lover and she enjoys this, yet it also scares her! She keeps telling me she can't wait cause she is not getting any younger and that she's been disappointed too many times in the past. Maybe I'll just let her decide and go with the flow.

My question for her would be...at 50 why the rush? There's no need to get married for children. I do believe that after one year or so you should have an idea of whether or not you want to marry someone but after 3 months...no way. You haven't gotten to the point of a 'reality' relationships - it's all just the roses part. It takes at least 6 months to get to the real work, the time when you see each other and each other's faults with clear eyes. Perhaps you can tell her that you need more time to actually date, learn and grow with each other before you can talk about marriage...that you're not there yet but you could be if given time. Tell her that you want to commit to dating only her and that you will focus on that. Remind her that it's not that you don't care about her but feel that 3 months is too soon to make a commitment so serious as marriage...that to break up an engagement or marriage because you rushed would be much harder on both of you than taking your time within a dating relationship and then finding out that you both don't want the same things.

Relationships are not worth rushing. They take time to grow. Believe me...I've learned my lessons from rushing too fast. I now know to listen, to talk, to think and to let things go at a slower pace. Life is too short not to do so.

Good luck!

To reiterate what is said above, most couples who remain together for many years age. Whether one ages faster or another is not really the point. I know a couple who are the same age, who have aged very differently. He looks older in his face and hair but is physically in decent shape. She has a younger looking face, but gained a lot of weight, which he would like her to lose. Their aging has not resulted in either of them leaving. We are all going to age. Would you fall in love with someone who looks like what she may look like in twenty years? Maybe not. But will you be in love with her if your relationship continues for twenty years? One would hope so. In that case, she'll probably look beautiful to you, no matter how she ages.

I'm 26 years older than my husband. We've been together for about three years. I worry sometimes about him not finding me attractive in the future. He said that I shouldn't worry because he finds me much more beautiful than when he met me. He tells me that he will always find me attractive because he's convinced that he won't really notice the physical aging since he'll see me every day. He also tells me that he won't care even if I do start to look older because he says that he fell in love with my heart and with who I am inside.

I think that when you love someone, they look more and more beautiful to you every day.

Older Hottie not respectful? What are you talking about???
By saying that I'm acknowledging that I'm hot for her, and that's bad??? And as for older, I only wrote that to differentiate her from the girl in the sentence above - thanks for being another person taking stuff out of context!...and you call me imature, lol

Buying a circus animal???!!!! You're post is incredibly insulting, comparing my deep affection for my gf with some flesh bartering trade. If I were only out for a "good time", why would I even be posting and reading here??? I guess trying to see how others have dealt with the age issue just makes me sooooo imature.

I'm sorry, but a few of the replies on this board just smell too much like a bunch of feminist man bashing.

To Trish

"But if you're willing to be exclusive with her, and tell her that you are very interested in seeing where it's all going, then maybe that will put her at ease. "

I've already commited to being exclusive to her and told her that we should see where it takes us.

"All relationships are a risk. Even if you were both 38, or both 50, you never know what will happen. It's whether or not it's worth the risk to you. It sounds to me like you believe it is. "

I certainly believe it is.

"Maybe you could let her read what you've said here, and what's been said by other women."

In the begining I would have agreed with you on that one, but some of the later posts are frankly, nothing but disgusting man-bashing. Whenever a man admits he has fear or doubts, or mentions that "looks" are important to him or that he enjoys his gf's body, he is automatically labled as an imature asshole, give me a break.

To Captain

"Would you fall in love with someone who looks like what she may look like in twenty years? Maybe not. But will you be in love with her if your relationship continues for twenty years? One would hope so. In that case, she'll probably look beautiful to you, no matter how she ages."

Those are some wise words. Thanks.

I think your post is just a thoughtful reflection on your relationship.

Anyway I have been with my boyfriend for three years, this January coming. It's been incredible. I am now 49 and he is 33.

He is younger looking for 33 than I am for 49. I haven't aged as gracefully as other women my age so I have some wrinkles, etc. My boyfriend and I have considered our future together and cotemplate the same worries you have mentioned. He knows I will be older and older. Yet he seems to feel prepared to go through this with me. Greg seems to see me as a whole person and doesn't compartmentalize me for his love. Did that make sense?

I am flattered that he still thinks of me as a hottie! I love it. I'm not insulted, offended or any of that. I want to be as hot as I can for him. He's my hottie too.

Good luck to you and your friend.

Cindy

Hey Hawk! I just wanted to tell you a story, I hope you find it inspiring.

I used to play in a band, and our booking agent had a mother who was married to a man 13 years younger than her. They met when she was 36 and he was 23. She had FIVE KIDS to boot! This man pursued her and married her after 2 years (she was reluctant to marry for awhile). Ajaye (my agent) said that to this day, even though the man was only a fews years older than some of his siblings, was considered by all to be their father and Ajaye himself loved this man 10 times more than his own father. This man treated his mother like gold, supported the family, and was a kind stepfather.

I asked Ajaye what his mother looked like. He said, "She was hot!"

Ajaye's mother and her younger husband came out to see our band shortly after that. I expected to see some lady in her 60's, evidence of plastic surgery, and trying to still look 'young'. What I saw was a surprise. She wasn't "hot". She was a nice looking 60-year-old, but had aged as expected. The BIGGEST surprise was, her younger husband looked as old as she did. You couldn't tell any difference at all, seriously. I liked the way they held hands the whole time. They were smiling, laughing, just having a really nice time. She was just as sweet as the day is long, and he looked at her adoringly when she spoke. I just thought the whole thing was the bee's knees! :)

Hi there Hawk,
I just want to throw in my 2 cents----It seems as though the problem is that she's pushing for a serious committment already, and maybe you have some doubts and fears in general because its too soon to consider that yet.
Lots of people want their partners to remain attractive, and thats OK, but I think if you take your time, and youre sure about your love and committment, that stuff really takes a backseat---and it will work both ways.
So ask her to slow down and see where the relationship goes naturally. Be honest and communicate your feelings to her.
And honestly, I dont think that your age gap is significant....youre almost 40 and she's 50. Its no big whoop...do strangers seem to take notice or anything?
I really hope that things work out for you...you seem to be in love with this lady, and maybe if she slows it down a bit, things will progress naturally and neither one of you will be concerned about physical factors.
Good luck and best wishes! :)