Delurking ... welcome to my buffet or relationship craziness!

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to say how much I have enjoyed lurking on this board and I feel compelled to seek the sage advice of the experts here.

I met Sebastien online about 2.5 years ago and we fell in love pretty quickly. (Currently he's 22 and I'm 33.) About 2 years ago we met in person -- he flew over to the US from France and sure enough the love was real and our relationship took off in full force. We did the long distance thing for about 6 months and then he came to the US for 3 months and lived with me. All went well and for the next year he would stay for 3 months at a time (limit of his tourist visa) and then go home for a few week and come back for another 3 months. He did this 4 times until he tried to come back again this past September when he was detained by immigration for questioning and then refused entry into the US, being told that the tourist visa wasn't intended for repeat use like that and since he couldn't readily prove he wasn't working here (which he wasn't).

So now we are back to the long distance relationship. There is no chance of me moving to France right now even if I could get a job and visa there, although I visited last month and I will be there for 3 weeks over Christmas. We have consulted 2 attorneys and they are both sure his chances of being able to return to the US anytime soon on anything other than a spouse or fiancee visa is pretty much nil (due to difficulties in proving his intent to return to France). Even a student visa would be difficult after being refused -- or so we are told.

As you can guess, we feel pretty backed into a corner and it's looking like we are going to have to get married to be together. This is not a terrible thing since we are already very sure we want to be together and we were thinking about getting engaged later next year. The main issue is that he doesn't feel ready for marriage yet even though he's sure he wants to marry me. He feels he's still too young to make that kind of decision. However, recently he has suggested that we consider doing a legal ceremony so we can be together but not consider it like we're really married until we have a religious ceremony. I'm thinking about it, but so far I'm quite sure that I would know I'm still really married and it might be toxic to the relationship to live like that.

Has anyone here been in this situation? I would love some insight into marrying a younger man, particularly one that may really not be ready but is being forced to consider it due to circumstances.

Thanks in advance! I look forward to getting to know you all. Here's a picture:

Meg

http://opsreport.propanecouncil.org/images/sebmeg.jpg

Hi Meg,
Welcome to this site. You are a beautiful and happy looking couple, yes their are a few relationships that are kinda stuck because of Visa, one that comes to mind right now, and it really is right now because Tim and Kelley are meeting tonight and he has to fly into Canada!
They are Mr and Mrs Hedgehog (their name on here).
I am sure when her jitters get better and she has time she will post.
We also have a lovely member named Whisper (melody sp?)
and her husband was from france and they are going through some visa stuff now.
I hope they all come here and post, but WELCOME!!!!
~Tammy

Hi Meg and Sebastian and welcome to Agelesslove. I am the Melodee that Tammy was referring to. I'm married to Jeremy, who's from Versailles, France (near Paris). He has been living in the United States for close to three years, and we've been married for a little over two years. I'm quite a few years older than Jeremy. I'm from the U.S. Jeremy and I are dealing with immigration issues right now, too, and it is a real pain. I will send you a private message with my e-mail address and if you want to, you can e-mail me.

Jeremy and I married for love - we truly loved each other and knew that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. If you don't know that for sure, I don't think that I would advise getting married at this time. Sebastian said that he feels that he is too young to make that kind of decision, and I wouldn't advise making it until he feels he's ready to. Jeremy was 22 when we got married, and he was 100% certain that he wanted to marry me. I don't think that I would have wanted to marry him, otherwise.

I will send you a private message right away.

Welcome, Meg.....and Best of Luck! :)

You are in the right place for advice from these wise women. So, pardon me for being the devil's advocate here. But he wants to get married in a civil ceremony vs a religious ceremony, but not consider yourselves married? That sends up a small red flag to me. Perhaps I'm just be negative here, but what is the difference? Legally, there is not. Spiritually there is, but are you both religious people that it would bother you to not have a religious ceremony?

Have you discussed this in depth? Does his suggestion mean that if you just do it legally then are you still free to see others since you're not considering yourselves really married? I'd have a lengthy discussion with him about this issue.

Hope all works out for the best for both of you. You look like a cute couple!;)

Hi everyone,
Xited -- yes, we have talked about this scenario a lot and I am semi-religious and he isn't much at all. Neither of us feel like a government has the power to marry 2 people in their hearts -- that's something between the 2 people and God. So, although he is sure he wants to marry me, he feels like he needs more time to make that "forever" promise to me personally, however, he's probably not going to get to that point unless we can be together more -- and the only way for us to be together now is for him to get a fiancee or spouse visa. We're sort of in a catch-22. We would definitely not be free to date other people, etc. I'm thinking of it more like we're engaged but in fact we're already really married. The 2nd wedding would be the point at which I take his name and we wear rings, etc.

Believe me, I'm not totally comfortable with this, because when I think of marriage I think if you're in for a dime you're in for a dollar. I don't see much point in "sorta" being married when in fact we legally are.

Today I'm thinking (and it changes regularly!) is for us to apply for the fiancee visa... it buys us a little more time and he could always go back to France after 3 months and we could get married in France and bring him back in a spouse visa.

*sigh* so frustrating!!!

Thanks for your thoughts and kind words everyone. Melodee and I are corresponding via email and definitely she has some marvelous insight!

:)