Hi Cryptic

Hi cryptic :)

I haven't posted here for months. I'm the female version of your story. I'm 42 and the person I'm in love with is 26. Many ups and downs, but just when I thought it was all over, he came back. That's why I'm back here again. All was well until he started to set the ground rules once again. This is what happened in the past. He would tell me he wants me, but only on his terms [ie: I'm not to expect anything long term]. Long story which I may share with you if you want at a later time.

In a nutshell, my fellow is telling me that I shouldn't expect any permanancy in our relationship, yet - when I tell him I can't accept that and I pull away, he then tells me we should take one step at a time and that he is confused. I know he wants his cake and eat it too, but I also know he really is confused. He doesn't want me to pull away. I know I need to walk away because my feelings for him are growing more rapidly than I can cope with. The love I feel for him just gets stronger. My question to you is: how long have you been in your relationship before getting to the point of saying "you are clear about your decision to want her?" and "at what point did you decide that she was more important than all your fears?"

Your story criptic is a replica of mine. :rolleyes:

All the best, Lorraine.

Lorraine,

First thank you so much for replying to my post. I'm sorry things aren't going well with your love, and that you're considering quitting. Is the fact he doesn't want anything long term related to your age difference?

At what point did I decide she was more important than all my fears? Coming to this site helped, because I could see many people were in the same situation as me and could manage to build great relationships. I would lie to you if I told you I wasn't afraid. Hell yeah, I am, but I know giving in to fear is the worst thing I could possibly do, especially when it comes to love. Too often I held myself back out of fear. Any very important decision involves fear. If I choose a career, I may go wrong, I may realize it's not going to work out, maybe my field isn't expanding and I could find myself without a job, end up homeless on the streets. I could realize in the long run that I don't like what I do and end up a bitter old man. But I know the opposite could be true. Sometimes you've got to trust yourself. So while I'm scared, I'm also in love, and this love is much more important than all the fears I could have. Sure, our relationship may be a complete failure, sure, my friends and family could judge me and ban me from their life, but those are just possibilites, they may as well not be true. And if I don't try, I will never know, and I will possibly miss all these things that make life truly worth living. I'm afraid, but I'm going to try my best to make things right, and if it doesn't, I'll have learned something, I'll have shared love with a wonderful person. That's my answer in a nutshell ;) I'm determined not to let fear cloud my vision and close my heart. That may sound naive, but that's how I feel. The worst enemy, the biggest barrier to success, is myself, not our age difference or whatever complications there could be.

Thank you for replying.

Cryptic

Hi Cryptic

You sound as intelligent and as realistic as my ym. I think that's why I value your words. My ym is extremely intelligent, he has very firm ideas about where he is going and what he wants. That's one of the many things that I love about him. He isn't a `yes sir' `no sir' `3 bags full sir' type of person. I guess it's his determination I'm scared of.

We actually went out to dinner a few nights ago and it was wonderful. Mind you, he came to me - always does. However, I think I made the mistake of telling him that for the past few months, I had been internet dating. I see nothing wrong with it, however - he does. BIG MISTAKE !!!! Nothing intimate with any of the guys I have met mind you, just coffee and goodbye basically. I know deep down that my ym is the one I want but I also won't allow him to hurt me with his confusion. The men I've been seeing from the internet are my age and older, and quite honestly, they are either boring, damaged and/or simply after one thing. None of them match up to my fellow. I am now wondering if I have pushed him back even further into confusion.

So, whilst I know my own answers [used to be a counsellor] it's great to receive input from someone like yourself. I think your advice is worth gold given you are in my ym's shoes. Everyone wants their say, but they haven't walked in my shoes, or my ym's for that matter.

I have to say, my ym wants children, and family related issues worry him. Iguess I'm now asking you whether it's worth sticking around for the rocky journey ? Problem is, we work together :eek: so it's not going to be easy.

How do I deal with his fear?

Thanks cryptic for your advice. Take care, Lorraine :)

Lorraine,

My relationship is different from yours in the sense that it's long distance (what a pain), but I can relate to the questions you're both asking yourself, especially about the rocky road ahead.

Mind you, I can understand your ym is confused! If my love was telling me she was internet dating, I would wonder what exactly she expects of me. Even if she told me it was nothing serious, just the fact she looked for that would make a big red light flash in my head. I would think there's something missing and that she's looking for this something somewhere else, otherwise why would she go anywhere if she had everything with me?

Why are you scared of his determination? Is it because it underlines your own undecision when it comes to your commitment to this relationship?

You say that you know deep down your ym is the one you want. I can understand you're afraid of all the complications coming with the package, but isn't it grand to have such a feeling? Like someone asked me when I joined this forum...would you ever forgive yourself if you didn't at least try?

I know the issues with age gap relationships are very real, but on the grand scheme of things they don't matter much. If you feel your love will be strong enough for this ride, then I believe you can both get past those barriers.

Cryptic

Hi Cryptic

Thanks for your thoughts !! Your quote:

__________________________________________________ _

" I would think there's something missing and that she's looking for this something somewhere else, otherwise why would she go anywhere if she had everything with me?"

__________________________________________________ _

is very true. However, I don't have everything with my fellow other than feelings of insecurity, and reflection of anger [his anger] at times. If he actually let me in past the lovely dinners to explore who he is without the feeling of - "OMG he'll dump me again", then yes - I wouldn't bother with the internet. The problem is - he gives me mixed messages. Despite he is wonderful and loving, he can also be very judgemental and conditional. He is governed by social constuction and conformity and I feel that's because of his lack of experience. I guess in a nutshell, if I had more certainty with my ym, then of course I wouldn't need to explore other avenues.

I should probably explain that we were not together during my time on the internet dating scene. I left the door open for him some months ago to which he did not respond. So, I took that as we are finished !!

I get the feeling he wants me to chase him. Again, I know this is due to his insecurities with me, but at the end of the day - he always comes back. It's just months in between, and I can't cope with that.

Sorry to hear your relationship is long distance. In a way that's really sweet. The time you have together is no doubt, quality time.:)

I'm sure you're not dumping your ow everytime you go into freak mode, then try to win her back. That's my problem. So...........internet dating is good therapy. Mind you, I've had enough of it.

Thanks again Cryptic for your advice.
Take care, Lorraine :p

Hi Lorraine,

OK I understand the situation better...the way he's inconstant with you is a little worrying. I can understand it's difficult to make any commitment that way, when you only have a very conditional love. Unfortunately only him can work through his insecurities...you can still ask him if he really wants to be with you, in the long run, if he's willing to try his best. But all I know is that it will take time before this happens. I know it's difficult to have to deal with this relationship. Just wanted to send you some support through it, I hope it gets better...keep talking to each other, and try to be patient with him, if you believe he's the right one, if you believe things will work out eventually. But if after some time it appears this relationship brings you more suffering than happiness, if you think about leaving him once a day or more, then will come the time to move on.

Take care,

Cryptic

Hi Cryptic :p

It's interesting that you say I should be patient and that it will take him time to get to the point of `where we are going'. So did you ever say to yourself [at the beginning of your relationship of course] that you will not be with your lady long term? Did you feel negative about such permanency at the beginning?

The funny thing is, despite he pushes me away - he buys me flowers, takes me out to the nicest places and tells me he won't invest in someone he can't see him going anywhere with. He even makes me heart shaped biscuits ! [well, one so far]. He seems to project love towards me, but is too afraid to verbally express it. Yet, at other times, he can.

Would you say he is in denial and/or trying to convince himself that I'm only short lived?

OR, is he just doing all these things to keep me where he wants me so he can have me on his conditions?

Thanks again for all your advice Cryptic. It's great :)

Take care and bye for now, Lorraine.

Lorraine,

I'm still at the beginning of my relationship. Am I worrying about the long term? Well, not really...if things work out, then it's great, but if they don't, nothing will change that. The only thing I can control is the amount of effort I will put in making this relationship work. I know our relationship will change both of us, it already did. We have a saying here that says that to love is to both look in the same direction...I have no clue if it will last forever. But I'm so happy with what each day brings me that I'm not in a hurry to reach forever. Of course I have thought about the issues relating to long term relationships, but that doesn't scare me enough to make me turn back. I would be crazy to do so.

I don't know if your love is in denial, or if he think your relationship will only be short loved. If he believes the latter, it means that now, in the present, things aren't alright. If things were great I doubt he would think that - he would like to spend eternity with you, if eternity meant more days like today.

As for keeping you here under his own conditions...I don't know. Maybe he just keeps you until another relationship comes along - people are very afraid of loneliness. That's a possibility but only you can know that...try to listen to your instinct and to pick up the clues he may be giving away.

Take care,

Cryptic

Sorry Cryptic for bypassing your great news !!! This thread seems to be all about me, yet you have your own fabulous decisions that are worrying you. I think your emotional commitment is wonderful news, and I hope you both meet each other's expectations with happiness and the love it deserves. When someone is that committed to making something work, and it's followed with realistic expectations, then it's bound to work !!!
;)

I get so sick of hearing people say that their great love is just around the corner when their feelings belong elsewhere. Why do so many people think there is something greater out there ? Sure, if the love they feel at the minute isn't all that great and they know it then - yes - I agree. I guess I'm back to my man now. I've actually decided I have had enough, so my time here will probably be limited.

Last week at lunch and dinner, my fellow said he wanted to go away for a weekend, and that he wishes he could spend 24/7 with me. I told him that if my son sleeps over next weekend, then he can come over for dinner. He agreed and mad out that he couldn't wait. It'll just be he and I. So................today, I asked him if he wanted to come over next Saturday night, because it so happens that I'll have the house all to myself. He replied with, "I'll see." When I asked him what the problem was, he said "I'll have to check that I don't have anything else on." So, the message I read from him was `you're O.K. but if something better comes along, then that's where I'd rather be'. I replied with "well, I take that as no, so let's forget Saturday night." He agreed but looked slightly upset by it.

If nothing else, it's just plain bad manners. It's discourteous and disrespectful. Yes, I'm hurt by it. He lifts me up and then knocks me down.

I know he is scared, but he is also quite intelligent [not emotionally of course]. He also knows I'll probably react to that and it will be another couple of months before he comes back. Why is he doing this? I know you can't answer these questions Cryptic, but your theories are great.

So, if he changes his mind before Saturday, should I take pitty on his emotional stupidity and have him over, or tell him where to get off ? I know the theoretical answer to this, but it doesn't change my feelings :(

Anyway, take care and again, many thanks for your comments. If you have any questions you want to ask me, then please feel free.

Bye for now, Lorraine :)

Dear Lorraine,

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I'm committed to making things turn out right. Honestly I don't know how things will be. The bumps on the road sometimes scare me. Long distance relationships sometimes cause problems...when you talk over the internet you miss out on a lot of things, misunderstandings are more likely to occur than if you're face to face.

So you've decided you've had enough of your man? I can understand why. I hope you're being very clear with him about what you expect. He appears to be taking you for granted, and he needs to be reminded that you won't be around waiting forever. Sometimes it's better to move on and live your life. There's only so much you can do. Only him can make the decisions that matter. Sometimes it's useful to push someone to change, to encourage them, but if things don't change after some time (like it's the case for you), then all you can do is step back and put him face to face with his own responsibilities. Oh, that's a wonderful theory but love is immune to theories. Love can move mountains but it's a two way street. If it's not balanced you'll end up hurt and unhappy, like I have sometimes. This whole situation is likely to make you feel very helpless in the long run...

I hope you find the strength to do whatever is right for you...those are hard decisions and no words, no theories will ever make them easier.

Cryptic

Thanks Cryptic for your words.

I have made the decision to let him go. I spent 7 hours in the car today travelling to the country for work. I spent most of that time thinking. You are right - I need to let him face his own decisions and responsibilities. While ever I'm there in the background - he will just keep me hanging [or at least that is what he thinks].

I have to say I think he is still learning a lot about relationships. He said to me once that he values `reliability' in a relationship. He said that he wants someone who will always be there no matter what. I'm wondering if this is his way of testing to see if I meet that? ......He's obviously got it all wrong if that's the case.

I guess at the end of the day, I have no choice but to let him go. I'm starting to loose respect for him as a person. One of the things I love about him is his confidence in decision making and determination. Quite frankly, I'm fighting to see that now.

My feelings for him haven't changed but it's definately the end for me. AND, I have no regrets telling him about the internet dating. I think his ego was hurt and he of course, he doesn't like it.

Many thanks again Cryptic for your words and advice and I do wish you and your lady much happiness in your wonderful new ventures ;)

Take care and bye for now, Lorraine. :)

...but that is what I felt like I was doing as I read the conversation going back and forth between the two of you! BUT none-the-less, I am glad that I did, for both of you have given not only good advice, but insight into people as well. Lorraine, I particulary found helpful your thoughts/observations regarding what I call the "greener pasture" syndrome that a friend of mine seems to have and that he has admitted to having. But what confuses me, is to why he feels this way, as he odes not even know himself! I am not sure if that is due to age, as this person is older than the ym you were discussing, and has yet to really stay committed to a woman maybe due to that fact. At any rate Lorraine, I think you made the right choice as it is not healthy to be on a roller coaster ride of emotions. My best to you. And Cryptic.... keep doing what you are doing!

Hi suicideblonde :)

I don't care who contributes to my thread...........all advice is welcome. I guess this time, I particularly wanted male input because it comes straight from the horses mouth so to speak.

Greener pastures.......hmmmmm........not 100% sure what you are referring to here. Did I say that ?

He was so sweet today. Because I was out of the office yesterday, I emailed him the night before last saying that I'll be in on Thursday [today] but should he get the urge to make any more biscuits or double banger blackberry tortes for his team at work - save me some!! I was of course only joking. Well..........today when I came in he went to the trouble of making a cake, and he let me know about it 3 times :p

It's so hard to end it.................he is such a beautiful person under all that crap !!! He is considerate with a heart of gold, but I can't cope with his confusion and emotional upheaval [if that's what it is]. There is one more thing I haven't mentioned. When he initially got back together, I asked him what he wanted from me..........was it sex ? He said "no". When we went out for dinner 2 nights later, we held hands but he didn't kiss me once all night - not even when we said goodbye. I'm wondering if he is backing off any intimacy because he doesn't want me to think he is only after one thing? I know I need to ask him directly, I'm just not sure that he will answer it honestly.

Here I go again, making excuses for him. Love was never meant to be easy was it ?

Bye for now, Lorraine...:)