Rubberband Man

I have been reading the threads and I find it interesting that many of the the YM/OW relationships suffer from the YM leaving, coming back. leaving, coming back (again and again..).

Rubberband Man.

I have read the cliche "Wants his cake and eat it too" mentioned over and over too.
I guess this pertains to all men on a certain basis, but it sure seems to be a common complaint with the YM/OW unions.

This has got to be torture for the OW involved, (having a Rubberband Man), and I wonder if this is so common because the YM is, well,...so young?

Mainly I am wondering what the answer is to this tormenting emotional trek back and forth.
Should the OW remain stern the first time he bounces away and refuse to allow him back when he ends up on her stoop begging for a second chance?

Are we OW too wise for our own good in thinking that allowing the YM to go off to find himself and gather up his emotions will really benefit us, (or benefit another woman down his path)?

Are we as generous and hopeful when it comes to men our own age, (or older)?

Seems to me that when we date a man our own age or older, the first time they utter words in regard to "finding themselves" we kick them to the curb on their confused keester never to look back again.
Why so much tolerance with the YM?

I'm new at this, mind you, and I want to make sure if I DO strike up a relationship with the YM that I am attracted to, that I don't fall into these painful rituals I am reading about so much here.

Hm, can't really speak from experience here, as this Rubberband Man situation has never happened to me ...

however, I would kinda think that I have limited tolerance for such behaviour, ym or not ...

You know, I think it's important to take your time in developing a relationship with a ym - my guy is 19, turning 20 in a couple of months - so, chances are that he will at one time or the other start wondering if he wants to go on, if this is what he really wants etc ... but guess what, I am sure I will too ;) .

If there are doubts, I have no issues discussing them .... - but I believe that you know if you love someone or not - if you find yourself not being able to "choose" your partner over other options, than chances are that the feelings are not that strong anymore ... - and as I don't think I take being "second best" pretty well, I doubt there would be a "back door" left, if he decides to go ;)

But as this has never happened to me yet, it's purely hypothetical - who knows how I would really react in such a situation.

I do think I make allowances for my ym's age in terms of how he handles life's responsibilities (job/school, finances, family/friends trouble, etc ...) - after all, coping with adult life is a bit like learning to ride bicycle - you are bound to fall over a few times or make some wrong moves ;) I don't think I would make allowances for wavering commitment, though ;)

Having said that, considering that Nordic and I are exclusively dating, but are looking on developing our relationship irl far more over the next months and maybe years (depending on how much time we can actually spend together), he's still totally free to change his mind any time and move on to greener pastures if he so wishes ;) I want him to be happy one way or the other - but if he decides to move on, he better makes sure he knows what he wants and what not ;)

Just my personal opinion/take on this issue - we'll find out if I have to eat my words when it happens :)

Originally posted by Carazy
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I do think I make allowances for my ym's age in terms of how he handles life's responsibilities (job/school, finances, family/friends trouble, etc ...) - after all, coping with adult life is a bit like learning to ride bicycle - you are bound to fall over a few times or make some wrong moves ;) I don't think I would make allowances for wavering commitment, though ;)
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Carazy, I agree 100%. I honestly don't know why anyone would put up with that. It makes me mad and I think it makes all women look bad.

I think the guys who do that are commitment phobes, and the women who put up with it have low self-esteem and somehow don't think they deserve better.

I don't think it's generally a good idea to get involved with a younger man, because a whole lot of them DON'T know what they want. Only very exceptional ym can make good partners. If Robin ever said to me, "I'm not sure this is what I want. I need some time alone to find myself and figure things out." I'd say, "Well Honey, take all the time you want. I won't be here when you want to come back, but you're young, you'll get over it!" I don't think that's being harsh or intolerant, I think it's being smart and self-protective. A man either wants you or he doesn't. Men who are capable of commitment just do it and don't look back. They might get fed up now and then, but they don't think they "need a break" from things. That's not going to fix anything. I think Rubberband Men use it as an excuse, because the fact is they have no intention of fully committing. Life's way too short to live it as a doormat!

I, too, have never had to deal with that. But I really don't think "Rubberband Man" is confined to the younger men. I think that could apply to men (and women) of any age. Some people just don't know what they want . . . and some people DO want their cake and eat it too. I don't think I would tolerate such a situation. I might give them one chance to come back after they left the first time, but to have to deal with that over and over is not something I would put up with.

I think the rubberband relationship exists when one of the individuals wants the relationship to be a serious committment, and the other is not willing to let it be that type of a relationship, whether consciously or unconsciously. However, the individual who wants it to be serious hopes for the other to change their mind, and the other gives them enough in terms of passion, compassion, love and companionship for the serious-minded individual to continue. Often I think these relationships occur with those who greatly care for, respect and maybe even love think their significant others, but do not see their significant others as their longterm partner.

In this context, when you are a younger guy it may be difficult to stay away from someone who you find attractive, like to be with and care about: a woman you are attracted to and want to be with is open to that, you just don't want to be there forever. So you break it off, then you see each other, things comfortably fall together and you are on again, only to break it off again when you start having more feelings of guilt or somethign else that motivates you to break it off, and the cycle continues.

Years ago, I was a rubberband guy in one relationship, without an agegap. I was honest in that I did not see her as my longterm partner, but she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We stopped it, then got back together, then I felt guilty and stopped it again, then we got back together. It was on and off for 1.5 years and really only ended when I moved away.

Guys and ladies, don't put yourself in one of these positions. If he or she is not IT for you, end it. Continuing it is not good for anyone.

Look. Young people are young. I was young once too. You don't get to skip over all of the confusion and all of the trying things on and off - just because you happen to fall in love with somebody older than yourself. I have said and will continue to say that if you aren't willing to be flexible and undergo some bumps from time to time, then a relationship with a very younger guy is probably not for you.

No shame in that. It's about knowing yourself well enough to understand what will and won't make you happy. Trying to make a 20 year old live like a 40 year old will never work in the long run. You'll end up with a 40 year old who acts like a twenty year old later on.

That said, people in loving relationships are perfectly capable of negotiating bumps and as long as you are both committed to honesty and compassion, and as long as you remember with every fibre of your bring what YOU were like at 20 - it is not impossible to do.

But you have to make sure the relationship and connection between the two of you is strong enough, give things time to develop, and have realistic expectations of this other person.

All relationships require emotional risk and the possibility of heatbreak. There's no type of man who is bulletproof and there's no type of relationship that comes with a guarantee. The way not to get your heart broken is not to fall in love.

As for finding yourself - aren't we all? Any number of middle-aged men regularly depart from their long-term marriages to go exploring. The point is not about punishing them - the point is that no one can be happy in their relationship if they aren't happy with the rest of their lives too, and loving someone is helping them to find the things and places that work for them, not just offering yourself as the panacea for all problems and dissatisfactions with any aspect of life.

In other words, when our partners need to find something - in some cases - we can, as a couple, look for it together. In alot of cases, it isn't another person that they're talking about. And if it is another person, heck let them go find someone else. There's not much point trying to keep someone who doesn't want to be there, of any age. People aren't possessions.

But you might not be there should they change their mind about what they're looking for.

And then just live your life. The next thing, be it someone new or a rebound, will come when it comes.

And if that's too frightening a prospect, then just stay single for a while, and enjoy yourself.

Yes! DS just said every thing I would want to respond, and worded much more eloquently than I could have expressed it. I second that post...

I ran into that with my ex OW, except I was more like "YO-YO MAN"! She was the rubberband, not knowing what she wanted and pushing me away then wanting me back again. So there I was going back to her everytime. It really broke me down and I never will let that happen again! I think It's Bull shit that people think they can manipulate others, by making them suffer while they "decide"! Well the string broke on this YO-YO!!!!

I can also say the opposite of what D/s has said....

A young man should not get involve in the life of an older women, if he's still sowing his wild oats...its not fair to her or to him. There's a measure of accountability in these relationships and just because you're young doesn't mean you can hit on me and somewhere down the road remember your youth and decide to go off and live it and expect me to sit around and wait for you to grow up...I won't do it for same age guy, why would I make excuses for a y/m because of his age. Bum hum bug...not with me you won't.

I don't expect him to live my 40 yrs old life, but I expect him to be responsible for the emotions we both invested into the relationship if he wants to become involve with me. yes, I remember being 20, but being a 20 yr woman is not the same as a 20 yr old man is it. I'm willing to let him learn whatever lessons he needs to learn, but not at my emotional expense. Those are my feelings, my emotions and I'm responsibile to protect them at all costs so that I can keep my baggage in check for the next guy.

Being with a younger guy does not mean being Ms Sap of the year either, and no y/m should put up with it from an OW either. If she is unsure of how she wants to go forward with a y/m, give her some options and a timetable and then make a decision at that time on what is right for you and her and stick with it. If its wishy washy, then dont' invest more time into this relationship then you're willing to lose.

If we both feel the same way, it means mutally respecting each other's feelings and bringing some measure of charity and integrity to account for the respect we should both be expressing for each other. Being with an OW means exactly that, yes, we all look younger and feel younger but that's where it ends...in age, we are NOT younger then they are...we should not put up with anything or make any excuses just because he's younger and has lessons to learn. We all have lessons to learn, most of us dont' abandon our responsiblities to learn them, at least not if we are in a committed relationship. You're either in or you're out, but not on the sidelines.

Paris

However, it is not limited to just men 25-35...it has happened to me so many times, it would make your head spin. Men in their 40's and 50's do it all the time too.
I will have to agree with John Gray [thanks Nessa for turning me on to his Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books] that it is men going back into their mental 'caves' to sort thru what they have just experienced; to think over, mull over, regroup the emotional whirlwind that women's bodies and hearts and minds put them thru.
I watched my teen son (17) this Oct. fall for a girl at school. She agreed to go to the fall dance with him. Instead of calling her up until the dance date, he retreated to his basketball and video games and afterschool activities. He didn't call her, he didn't talk about her, he just kept her in his mind as he went about his daily routine. I said, you will lose this girl if you don't call her or talk to her. She called him 2x, and he refused to talk to her although he liked her, and wanted her to be with him at the dance. He did go thru a scared time, a distancing time, but she was still very much on his mind. Eventually he went to the dance, couldn't get to her house fast enough, a man on a mission, and he had a great time , saw her again 2 more times, but has not called her since. He just doesn't think like women think.
I think it is men. They are all like this. However, they all come back after they realize the incumbent female will be lost if not retrieved, is a good person, an attractive person, is the love, the sex,the mental stimulation that they want.
It happened to me yet again with the same man this weekend, you can read my post in Chit Chat under the thread on "Why are you single?" He doesn't cheat, he just is exasperatingly slow in communicating.
I used to get so pissed, I would kick them to the curb, never look back, never take them back, and they could spend the rest of their lives calling, begging, pining, and one still does, has begged back since Feb. when I ended it , and I won't take him back.
The difference is that I at 55, I have now realized the above about men; that I don't care any more if they vanish and reappear. They will just have to realize that if someone else has taken their place, which has happened in the place of
Mr. Vanishing Feb., that it is their loss. I no longer wait on a male. I move on emotionally. They have to play catch up. Also, as I said in my Chit Chat post, "Why are you single?" I keep spare tires around and every woman should. There should always be a love interest you can go to if things fall apart with your current man. Why? Cause men cover their bases and we should, too. Back 30 yrs ago, the world was different. I never would have thought of it at all, but today, with all the arrogant guys out there, keep a few interested males on the string ladies, it will help your emotional outlookon life, free you from worry, and keep him guessing until he puts a ring onyour finger...and there are never any guarantees about that one either. If this sounds off to you, oh well...it works for me...Hadley

Originally posted by HadleyManassas
...men going back into their mental 'caves' to sort thru what they have just experienced; to think over, mull over, regroup the emotional whirlwind that women's bodies and hearts and minds put them thru.
.... He just doesn't think like women think.
... I think it is men. They are all like this. ...

I just wanted to quickly reply to this because, as I already indicated above, I do respectfully disagree with that generalization; not in the sense that men do in some part communicate differently, but I have to say none of what Hadley has been describing has been my personal experience ... most of my male friends are very communicative, eager and very good at bonding and very open emotionally even to difficult issues - I have no doubt that there are (maybe even many) men - at all ages! - that are like what Hadley describes, but I have met quite a few ones who this description basically would do injustice to ;).

Having said that, who knows, maybe it's me, and it's ME who doesn't think like "women" either?! No idea, all I can say is this description does by and large not fit my experience concerning male friends and partners ;) ).

Sorry to disagree so strongly ;); I do acknowledge that fact that Hadley and probably many others have met too many men of the "other" kind ... but I honestly feel that generalizations on this issue are often a bit unfair, imho .... ;)

Well in my case my OW persued me! Then she decided she didnt know what she wanted! I mean if it were just for sex I would've been cool with that, all she had to do was say so, but she didn't! I became so in love with her and all she did was hurt me, BULLSHIT! She was the one who needed to grow up, on the other hand , I should've listened to my gut, and ran when the red flags were popping up! So in conclusion, no one is to blame when it comes to affairs of the heart except for each individual involved. We all have to take responsibility and listen to our gut feelings! If we get burned it's really no ones fault but our own!

Originally posted by P.D.B
So in conclusion, no one is to blame when it comes to affairs of the heart except for each individual involved. We all have to take responsibility and listen to our gut feelings! If we get burned it's really no ones fault but our own!

Oh so true, wish I had learned that at your age instead of mine. Some people are just quicker learners I guess.

Obviously honesty, compassion, mutual respect and an ability to love are traits to look for in anybody you try to have a relationship with, older or younger. That's not really under debate. If you hang with dishonest, callous, rude people who are afraid of love, then nothing good is likely to happen.

But I think what we're talking about is younger men who have none of these problems, they're just young. Alot young. 18-24 young. Good men, but young. And I don't much like seeing "young" described in a nutshell as merely sowing wild oats or ducking out on your responsibilities.

The process of working through how you're going to live your adult life is surely a lot more complicated than that - and involves grappling with received wisdom, trying out unconventional ideas and notions, exploring, and changing - alot. People who don't do it often find out that they're living lives that they don't want later on.

I met my late husband when he was 32 and I was 21 - and every bit the young, exploring person that I hear described here often. We fell for each other like a ton of bricks, and he very quickly became my lover and my best friend, despite a large age gap. I loved him with all of my heart, to the most of my capacity, but that didn't mean I didn't drive him absolutely nuts with my fears, my changes, my explorations, my emotional immaturity and my questions about how a committed relationship fit into my newly emerging adulthood.

Luckily, he was wise enough, loving enough, and generous enough to hang in there with me, even when I foolishly lashed out at him with all of my growing pains. He didn't close up and protect himself, castigate me for hurting him, or put his own safety ahead of my needs. He was brave enough to be there for me when I didn't always deserve it, and to let me grow up in this warm embrace. It was an amazing thing and I'll always be grateful to him and admiring of his guts to love so fully. He just trusted that in time I'd be the wife he always he wanted, and by the time I was 28, I was.

He hit the jackpot, I would've stayed by his side forever. But unfortunately, he developed terminal cancer and died when he was 42 and I was 31. It was the most horrible thing that ever happened to me, and for a long time I thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life. And eventually, my guy came along, and at 19 years old, somehow showed this broken husk that love still existed in my universe.

And now I get all of the things I once had, but in reverse. And I only hope that I will live up to the legacy of what I received when I was young. Maybe. I try.

Sure no one wants to be a sap, and I hate to see people putting in so much effort for a jerk - but some people aren't jerks. Some people are worth it.

Signed .....

.....A former rubberband girl .....