Are we representative of Age gap relationships?

I personally think people who come online looking for support are not really representative of the whole population of couples dating someone significantly older or younger.

I would like your opinions, because lately I've seen some patterns here, and I'm sure they are based mainly on the type of people we are, or most of us are.

Maria - - -

Could you elaborate a little on what you are looking for here?

I would like to know if as a group we can be considered as being a good representation of the couples living an age gap relationship.

Do we have enough established, happy couples? Are our couples mainly people who are still living the first steps of a relationship? Dating? Do we have enough couples who have been in a long term age gap relationship?

Because of being a support site, do we get more couples going through problems and thus have the impression these couples face more trouble than others who aren't in an age gap relationship?

Do we have to deal more with separation and unhappy couples because of that? And other things you might have noticed! :)

I think we are lacking in the area of happy, established relationships. Married and or living together. I think we more represent the ones who, like Alex and myself, are new to this age gap thing and trying to get support and answers to questions. The overwhelming majority of regular posters are not in long term established relationships and the few here who represent that faction are the ones who's input I would like more of. It is also nice, however, to have others in my same situation to talk about all my fears and concerns with. Of course, on this side of the board...OW/YM....it is just now becoming more common and so there may not be that many couples out there that are long term. I also feel that one day when Alex and I are married and have a full life together I will stop coming here so often and will only pop in occasionally to say hi. So maybe that is the nature of a support forum? :)


EDIT: I typed this before I read your post Maria! :D I just paused in clicking the submit button as I was chatting on yahoo!

Maria, this is a very good question.

I remember thinking, when I first started coming here, that it was strange that there were so many more OW/YM posts as opposed to YW/OM posts. I only thought that for about a second, though, when it occured to me that YW/OM couples are less likely to identify themselves as being age-gap couples than OW/YM, simply because it seems more "normal" to be with men older than yourself. Soooooo.... what am I trying to say??

I think what first brings people here is insecurity, GENERALLY. Yes, there are a lot of couples on here who are in happy relationships now, but that started off being insecure.

So -- we could be missing a lot of people who were never insecure.

I see a lot of posts on here of the "he keeps leaving me and coming back, what can I do to keep him?" variety, and honestly, I don't think most older women would allow themselves to be put through that. I don't mean to sound insensitive; I just think that most mature women have more self-respect.

HAVING SAID THAT, I have met some great couples on here that are doing really well, where both members have self-respect and dignity.

So, yeah, I think we tend to lean more toward the less secure side of things, but that is not a hard and fast rule.

I know I came here because I was afraid I was sick for being in love with a guy 10 years my junior. So there was some insecurity there. I feel a million times better about things since coming here! I would say I'm no longer THAT insecure about our age difference (although it still scares me a little).

I agree that reading more from "happy" age gap couples would be nice.

But I look at it this way:

Ageless is "kind of" like a "singles bar" or other gathering place.

People come here when they are curious.
They come here confused.
They come here to meet other people.
They come here to socialize.
The come here for comfort and support.
They come here to vent.

Once a happy union is formed, many times, the happy couple just gets busy with their lives and they don't have time, (or the interest..yes, as sad as it is, the interest), to frequent "places" such as this, hence the small number of posts from the "happy" people.

That's just my slant on it....

Other than that, I think there is a GREAT mix of different age gap relationships here.

I agree, Sage. I guess very few of those happy couples stay or ever come here, but fortunately the happy ones who stay, stay because they enjoy giving advice. The others are too happy to be around! :D

Which is very good anyway! http://www.cutegifs.blogger.com.br/baby_13.gif

This site has changed since I started coming here nearly 5 years ago. It's no longer the safe support site it was. It used to be that there were a number of stable relationships represented, but they drifted away because they didn't need the support, they broke up, or they joined that other site I'm not allowed to mention here.

This site has become a pickup place where young men come to see if there are any older women who can fulfill their fantasies. It used to be more for people like Polly and I -- people dedicated to their partner, who wanted some reassurance that it could work out.

The site was sold to someone who has little or no experience with a support site and is not in an agegap relationship. Alanna was a hands-on owner and it showed. Now people are allowed to harass folks and turn it into a negative experience. New people come here, take a look and keep on going. This site gets a lot of hits, but not a lot of people stay and post. It's become a place where you do *not* want to bare your soul.

Frankly, it's no longer safe here. I tried to make that point and the new owner deleted my password. Alanna hired someone to patrol the boards and who could remove posts and ban IPs if necessary. I'm sad to see the changes because this used to be a very nice place to come.

I'm happily married to Dave, who is 26 years my junior. The old site helped me to make it through the doubting period because there were so many positive role models. I'm not sure I would have bothered to post if the site had the current atmosphere.

I come back, not very often, but I like to tell people they can make it. It takes a lot of work and a lot of dedication. It's too easy to complain and too hard to make sacrifices for some. For others, they build a relationship that lasts a lifetime.

Unfortunately many if not most, won't talk about it here.

Peace,
Jane

BA, I respect your opinion a lot, but I find it very little elegant of you to talk like this about the owner of this site, who is putting it here for us for free, going through the trouble of giving us more and more space each time the site grows.

Why would you have to be in an age gap relationship to own this site? He never stepped in to talk about something he doesn't know. What would it change? He leaves the supporting to us, and graciously pay for the hosting. I am very grateful to Rob, for having this site for free.

We can't stop people from lurking here. We can however, constantly remind them of the nature of this site, and fortunately the moderators have never been alone in that mission. And the personals helped, now the dating site will even be a better thing for us.

The other site as you say, I never liked it, not because of what is said there, not at all, but I never got used to its presentation. Ageless has been a good place for me, and long before I became more involved as a moderator I was already very much present here.

I think when we are a larger group like Ageless is, you'll find people who are not used to the life in community, it's clear, and they'll have to be moderated, until they learn or they leave. That's why we are here.


As for the absence of those happy couples, I don't really believe they've left here to go anywhere else. And most never look for sites like ours in the first place. They are probably just living their lives happily and don't have a reason to look for support.

And I stay, because there are tons of wonderful people here, and as the thread so recently removed proves, I'm needed to be a safety net for those who do get attacked, simply for being in legal relationships like Sandie's and mine. David was also 17, now 20, and I made sure, very legal in both our states, before anything developed.
I'm also proof that a long term, very happy relationship can develop from an unlikely situation.
Beautiful, beautiful pictures by the way Sandie. We both drooled over them.
You both absolutely glowed.
Congratulations.

Admittingly, I haven't been here as long as some others have...as long as many have.

I didn't come to this site looking for a mature woman. I came to this site because I was curious. I had already been in one age gap relationship, and it had ended and I was in the beginning states of another one. There were things done in that prior relationship that I didn't like...

And I came here, because I was curious if that was "the norm"...if others like me experienced that type of situation and ordeal...

If what someone said was right, then this site would be full of nothing but women and the male posters would be going out and trying to hump there leg. Quite the contrary to what I see because I do see a good number of honest, true male posters...and I like to think myself is included in that grouping.

I see people, from various walks of life...in various stages. People who are in limbo...waiting for that which they yearn...to come into there lives. People who are just beginning in a relationship...waiting for the flower to bud. Those in the middle of one, or like me in a Long Distance Relationship...waiting for the relationship and love to bloom and flourish...

And others, who are eternally happy in wedded bliss...

A message board is NEVER in total harmony. I've never been a part of one that was. There is always going to be *some* drama, as I say. Because...of what I said earlier, "So many different people from so many different walks of life." It's that variety that makes this board as wonderful as I feel it is....

I may not say everything out in public. But, that's because part of my personality is that of a lone wolf in nature. There are some things that I will only say to those that I trust so deeply. It's how I always am in life...in my everyday life as well.

And while I may not be able to offer a wealth of knowledge like others may be able to give, I can try to give to the best of my ability...to the best ability that my heart will allow it to. And on the flip side, I have read and talked to many people...who I have learned from here...and who have given me strength, courage and inspiration for my own experiences and relationships. And for that, I will always be eternally greatful.

Do I think this board, in general is a good overall? Yes...I do. We have happy couples and we have broken hearts. We have different stages, different walks, different tastes and different personalities...

That's...perhaps what makes us a good representative.

The site isn't as bad as some people think. Afterall, when work is slow, I spend my time here. If I do that, it can't be that bad. *LOL*

~Dan

There are a couple of other age-gap sites I've been to (I don't know which one was referred to above) and one is full of really young girls (more than a few who are too young to be posting - but aren't ever told that by the moderator) mostly dating men in some kind of position of authority, it seems. The other is nice, and full of happy stable couples, but there are virtually no men on the site. That definitely limits the perspective of opinions and advice.

I like that on this site there are plenty of couples where both are members. It's nice to hear from both sides of a relationship and see what the perspective is from both ends. I do think we're a pretty diverse community, although the stereotypical types of age-gap couples (which certainly exist though they're not near as common as some people think) aren't prevalent here because most of the problems people come here with are related to their hopes that the relationship will survive long-term.

Once people become more comfortable in their relationship they do sometimes leave the site, because they just don't need the support as much. Perhaps some of those people weren't as involved in the community as others. I don't know. I don't think it's a bad thing for people to feel like they don't need advice or support all the time. That's a good thing for them.

Certainly there are more people just starting out here, because that's who needs a community like this in the first place. I also think there are more people in long-distnace relationships here, because most people in those relationships met online and are probably more likely to look for help online as well.

I don't get the impression that this is such a hostile place. I think it is better now than it was about a year ago when there was a lot of bickering between regular posters, not just the random troublemakers passing through. There aren't a lot of message boards that have a tight enough community where people would go far out of their way to get together with other members. I think that sort of thing says a lot about this site and the care and concern people have for others here. It would be easy to look at certain threads and say people are too judgemental or negative, but that is only a small part of the picture. Look at the outpouring of support many members have gotten with their problems (sometimes not even totally related to their relationships) and you'll see a better view.

I'm rambling and am certainly not as eloquent as Dan or most other people who have responded here, but I thought I'd throw in my two cents.

I consider Robin and I to be a happy couple, but I also consider us to be an exception. I consider Robin to be an exception. I stay mostly to read and give advice. I'm supportive if I think a situation seems to be healthy and functional, and by that I mean, no problems from friends or family, no major problems within the relationship, no "red flags" popping up. I'm not supportive if I see something I think is a cause for concern. I'm not supportive of the relationship in that case, but I still want to be supportive of the person. By telling them they might want to reconsider what they're doing, I'm trying to be helpful by giving them a view of their relationship they haven't been able to see.

I don't think it's okay to encourage ow to date minors ever, even if a couple of relationships have worked out. No matter what I feel about it morally (we won't go there again) I think it's dangerous for both parties involved. If nothing else, you might get a minor out there who might be of the "age of consent" in his state, but who might have crazy parents who, if they can't get a restraining order against the woman, might decide to take the law (or lack of it) into their own hands. In fact, any relationship with a teenager whose parents are vehemently against it doesn't seem like a good idea at all, even if he is of legal age. He's still a child in his parents eyes.

I do encourage AGR's that have a good foundation: Support of both families, both people being mature enough and ready to commit, both people being comfortable with the age gap, both people being independent and able to support themselves, one not standing to gain a significant amount more than the other (like citizenship or just escaping his parents' house), and both parties being at the same stage in life. I think that's more important than anything. Mutual physical attraction, mutual interests, trust and respect are imperative too. I encourage AGR's that hold all of that.

IMO, I think sometimes we're too supportive, encouraging relationships that might end up deeply hurting one or both parties, just being supportive to appease the poster. I think we should step back and look at it from all angles, and give the pro's and cons. People coming here for advice already have doubts. It's our job to either validate their fears, or give them hope, as we see fit.

Truth be told, I've already been here way longer than I should have been. I like discussing relationships. I like reading what people say. I like the Chit Chat section, and just BSing with people. Honestly though, I probably don't have a whole lot of reason to be here anymore. When I stop being helpful, it's time for me to go.

re: bearsangel statement that this place is no longer 'safe'.

there is really isn't any such thing as a 'safe' site on the internet, save those that have the barriers of pay-only or super secret passwords or secret handshakes or whatever. it would be nice if only 'nice' people came here, but that's not realistic. it is open to all and any who venture in here. the moderators do their best to remind people of the rules, but in the end it's futile. we will get the curious, the priapic pubescent crowd, the attention seekers, the conspiracy theorists, those wanting a public platform for their views, and whomever else finds this place interesting. it's the price of fame, folks, and it is a two-edged sword.

Technically MANY of us don't belong here, myself included. What brought us here is no longer an issue. I guess I can qualify that and say I belong here because I have been in two age gap marriages. But I am not in nor do I plan to be in an age gap relationship again.

I guess people like me, who hang around for the friendship do have something to offer. Are we representative? Well. I think so. I mean I was married to a man 10 years younger than me. I don't talk about it much because the age gap had no impact on our relationship at all. I did hide my age from his parents for about a year.

But coming from that experience, and just life experience, and my internet love gone bad experience, I guess I might still have something to offer.

I don't imagine you want a site that is full only of currently invloved and happy age gap couples, or involved and unhappy for that matter. I think we are diverse and that's what makes it fun.

As far as being safe or not. No it will never be safe from the types that Melisande mentioned. But we should try to be respectful to each other without being milk toasty. Yes we should not support when we disagree. But apparantly I missed something while I was gone about an underage couple. I hope we didn't drive away good people by being harsh.

Originally posted by Polly
I don't think it's okay to encourage ow to date minors ever, even if a couple of relationships have worked out. No matter what I feel about it morally (we won't go there again) I think it's dangerous for both parties involved. If nothing else, you might get a minor out there who might be of the "age of consent" in his state, but who might have crazy parents who, if they can't get a restraining order against the woman, might decide to take the law (or lack of it) into their own hands. In fact, any relationship with a teenager whose parents are vehemently against it doesn't seem like a good idea at all, even if he is of legal age. He's still a child in his parents eyes.


I am sorry, but this is not even open for discussion here. I have stated that before and I will do it again, nobody is going to encourage relationships with minors in this site nor anything illegal. This is not negotiable and the moment this comes to this site, I leave it. Age gap relationships are okay, relationships with minors are not okay. I don't want to be involved in any site with this kind of tolerance.

But...relationships with anyone of legal age will be treated respectfully. The site allows people older than 18, and they deserve as much respect as any other member. If for some of you a relationship of this type is unthinkable, it doesn't mean you are the owners of the truth and that you have the right to insult others because they chose that path.

We don't like it, we may word it with respect, without having to offend anyone, either by direct words, either indirectly. Some people will find much worse a woman in her forties with a man in his twenties than a 18 year old with a 30 year old. In any case, they are all acting legally and should be considered as a couple.

Funny you should bring this up Maria,
My husband wants me to quit coming to this site.
I tell him, or he reads, about this problem and that relationship falling apart, all the sexual foreplay between members even in the relationship and chit chat sections. Women with little backbone, people without much common sense, free loading y/m, one woman who habitually falls in and out of love, people who actually think one age is better than the other......then have a fit when the other side of the board talks about our age and the issues we have as older, been burned a few times, women.
It's all crap and quite frankly I am starting to let it all rub of on me.
The few sane, well adjusted people keep me here but it has definitely turned into something different than when I first came here.
Visa problems, women having men come live with them and their minor children without allowing enough time or moniter the affect on the WHOLE family.......people not using their brains. Women who actually need to ask if being treated like sh*t or not being kissed is ok.
If your not happy.....guess what...............IT'S NOT OK!!!!!!!!!!!
I probably will stop coming here.......no great lose I'm sure but for me......it is.
I am tired of the negativity here and yes........my post screams of negativity but it took me almost 2 years of coming here to finally say this.
Blessing, TD

Tiny, when you are in a support site, you have to face people with problems.

Otherwise, something is wrong.

Guess what, we all love happy stories, for that we are bringing to light successful couples like Cowboy's interview, articles like the one I posted on chit chat, we can all work for that instead of concentrating on the negative part, which is also part of life.

If I ran away everytime I saw sad things, I would have given up on medicine a long time ago; but someone has to do it, right? :)

I guess you want everyone who comes here to have their act together and be as totally secure, mature, and together as yourself.

How can you look down on people struggling to make sense of their lives.

That is what we are here for. I have been on the giving and receiving end of support.

Unlike you I do not have my act together.

Your post sounded very.... Superior. Sorry we disappoint you with our human frailties.

I understand Tiny, because what she's saying is not coming just out of the blue. Many of us have sensed that negative atmosphere lately.

What I mean is that when you feel you can't do it, you leave it for those who can. And you try to lighten things up as much as possible, maybe on chit chat.

But Relationship Support is basically where people with troubles come. I've come here one year ago and I got lots of good advice. I still see plenty of it, and I have seen people coming over and over again at the end of their threads to say thank you. That's what is nice about helping people.

Yerkl .....

I don't know. I just posted here for advice, and got it, and it was helpful. Seems like the site pretty much did what it was supposed to do.

I didn't hesitate to do so. I'm a person, not a model of relationship perfection for others. That would be a lot of pressure .... LOL.

I think we're a happy couple, although we do go through things. I guess my definition of a happy couple includes growing and changing and wondering and going through patches of trying to figure out if this is still the right thing or not. I've never really known a couple that has been together for the long term and hasn't been through some of this.

I'm not sure this site would be very real if people never posted about problems they were having. I don't think people having problems in relationships are an indictment of anything. Relationships ARE problems (and joys and questions and a million other things).

And this isn't a relationship support forum per se. It's an age-gap forum, so I'm guessing people come here to talk about that aspect of their relationships, mostly. I mean, you can talk about the toothpaste cap being left off with ANYONE. Who needs forum for that?

I do think this forum has a lot of on-line and long distance relaionships on it.
And being as I'm not in one, it sometimes doesn't scream "me too" -
as do also the threads about ex-husbands and children. But we're all human, after all, and I just try to tap into the feelings being expressed and what I might do were I in the situation described. It's called empathy and we all have this magical ability.

Part of empathizing is really trying, to the extent possible, to put youself in the other person's shoes. It's not a perfect art, and lots of the time I find that I wouldn't, at all, do what the poster is doing, and I say so. It doesn't mean I'm right and they're wrong, it only means that I'm the person I am and can only give advice with my perspectives and biases. So I do. I expect that if the poster has another set of beliefs about the world, that they'll pretty much ignore my advice and I'm sure many do - LOL.

I'm not clear why my differing perspective would be a threat nor why anyone would think their safety was impinged by it. Advice from people you don't know is just that. And I don't think a cocoon where no one ever disagrees is all that healthy nor fundamentally very interesting to participate in. We should just avoid the name-calling and carrying old disagreements from thread to thread to thread. Because then it's just a conversation between the few, not the many.

FWIW I have subscribed to that other site, and didn't find it particularly engaging. Maybe I don't need quite as much safety as some. But the reality is that people opening their hearts is what makes a site exist - some people are willing to do it and God bless 'em and other people prefer to be voyeurs and just read about it. That's how all sites are - and we'll never really know who reads and what they do and don't get from it.

what i'm about to say might not sound nice, but i never let fear of being judged stop me.

folks, tinydancer speaks and comes from a very different world than you or i. hers was and is the world of dance, ballet specifically, where pressure is constantly put on women to look perfect, dance perfect, be perfect, and your teachers do nothing but tell you what you do WRONG, not what you do RIGHT. not to mention that years of twisting your body into unnatural contortions and stuffing your feet into little pink coffins tends to give one a rather unusual perspective. how do i know this? i spent eight years in the ballet world as a volunteer and witnessed just how beautiful the art form is, and how petty the people can be.

tiny, babe, if you don't like it here, well, then, so long, farewell, auf wiederseh, adieu. relationship support is like an emergency room; all kinds of people with owies and wounds and traumas big and small come with their questions, concerns, insecurities. as did you!

if a site where everybody is happy and content and such is what you seek, start one yourself. this place is what it is.

Hey..........Thanks......all of you whom responded. For me personally......this is what I like.......smart woman who have something to say.
And Swan......superior??????????? OMG, I sometimes don't have enough confidence to leave my house. My boss at the university is always in my face, students calling.......I am either a goddess or the biggest, no talent person on earth. They love me, they hate me, etc........
Melesande........you hit the nail on the head.
I came here, at one time, 'cause I needed help......Maria asked a question and I answered.......YES, sometimes all the crazy problems and enabling we do here scares me and makes me afraid it will happen to me. The more your around positve the more positive you can become........and........vis-versa.
Just wish we could balance out the good and the bad a bit more and that it was less tolorant of, to me, problems that are insane and need seious counseling. I think it has been overshadowing the members like one of my responders who has age gap problems or maybe just a rough patch........age gap or not.
I need help........don't we all from time to time.
We do need more inspiration around here though........didn't we all come here to read that these relationships can and do work????? .........Thanks Cowboy.......truly inspirational.
Blessings, TD

<b>*Tosses two pennies into the hat*</b>

This site doesn't need more inspiration....

All it needs is people who open there hearts and souls to others. All it needs is open and honest people. The inspiration comes naturally...
All it needs are people who believe in love...
Who believe in a bond and union that is formed between two people, who may come from different cultures or walks of life.

I don't think we necessarily need a plethora of age-gap successful couples...

We NEED the experiences of everyone...successful and unsuccessful...

That is what makes this place unique. That's what makes it what it should be...and that's what we have.....

We also need levity (sp)...we need people who can joke. Who can make people smile with humor and comedy and light hearted anecdotes and experiences...

For some, it's a haven...

And with that haven, needs to come the full package. So what if a little "sensual playing" goes on...

It makes this place a "total package"...so to speak....

I may be off base, I probably am...

But, as I sit here? That's just my opinion...

~Dan

I hear you, Tiny. And I agree to that we all could use the happy stories that we know are around our site. Joannalee is digging them, and there's a waiting list for her interviews, believe me.

I also agree with you that sometimes the problems that are brought here are so difficult that we have to recognize we don't have the requirements it takes to help; we just have to support these members while inciting them to look for real help, with someone more qualified.

I agree with you Maria. We are a community after all and communities are made up of all kinds of people with all kinds of situations, problems and opinions. If we could get rid of all problems and negativity and make our world a rose garden that would be utopia . . . but we should all know that will never happen because one person's utopia might be another person's hell.

I think the bottom line is that we need to be more tolerant of other people's opinions and situations and I am as guilty as anyone of not always following that.

I agree with several posts here tho in that this is a support site and there would be no need for support if there weren't problems to address and it is a place to share our happiness and accomplishments and it is a place where we should be able to share some laughs. Sure we get into some snits sometimes, but then anytime you have more than one person involved in anything, you are going to have disagreements . . . the important thing is that we get over them and move on to the good of the community.

While it is true we have attracted some weirdos lately, they leave pretty quickly when they see we are on to them and basically I see it as a pretty normal, well-rounded community of people.

Just because everything does not go the way I think it should, I will not take my toys and go home. Just like in every community, I believe we have to find our nitche and contribute in the areas we are best suited to contribute.

As to the matter of Rob and Angela (I hope I got her name right) not being in an age gap relationship: What possible bearing has that got to do with this site? They may not be in an age gap relationship, but obviously they see the need for a site such as this and I, for one, am thankful that they see that need and provide us a place to communicate with each other.

OK, here my opinion , even though I doubt I will add anything not yet been said by someone else, but still, here we go:

Are we representative of Age gap relationships?

Varied as we are, chances are, we are a "biased sample" - this site is skewed for online users, western values-based, relatively vocal people, looking for support or having questions we are trying to answer to ourselves - or at least that what seems to bring most people here - I am kinda ignoring the ym looking to pick up an ow here, basically because I don't follow any of these threads so I cannot comment on them ...

So, we will most likely only represent some sub-set in the worldwide AGR "population" ... - but what does it matter?! It IS a community - if it is a fringe community or a mainstream community in the AGR population cannot really be answered (unless there are some extended international studies on this issue ;) ).

Community
Basically, people will stay in a community if they feel part of it, those who don't feel a part of it or that their interests/views/experience is relevant will eventually leave ... I don't personally see why it should be different in this community as anywhere else ...
It's up to everyone to assess if the community serves their need and if they want to be involved in shaping it if it doesn't - just as much as elsewhere.

Someone said people are coming here to see that AGR can work and that we don't have enough happy couples ..
Well, everyone loves romantic success stories, but personally, that's not what is keeping me here ... - To see if AGR work or not is kinda secondary for me, personally -
I came here because I was freaked out about FALLING in love with a guy a good 15 or so years younger than me ... so, for me the real revelation was that I am not alone in this ;) . So, basically I am here to explore a "world" that still is kinda alien to me (regardless of whether it will work out or not ;) ... But of course it's nice to know that it CAN work ....

Sure, at times when there appears to be a lot of "negative" (i.e. break-up threads or some mud-slinging), you do discuss the risk and pitfalls more than the positive sides ... - to me it just high lights the odds of specific outcomes overall, but nothing more - none of us are really in anyone elses shoes, and as I keep saying everytime statistics are coming up one way or the other: statistics do say NOTHING about individual cases ;)

So, why should I let it affect me, other than being aware of the overall odds?! I am still an individual in an individual sitation and making my own decision; and people who agree or disagree with me exist at all times, in all life situations, why would I expect this to differ here?!

Bottomline for me: I wouldn't look at Ageless so much as a representative AGR site but rather as a community that happened to investigate in agegap relationship for one reaon or the other. Nothing more, nothing less.

My take on Ageless "internal" issues
As for those ""board veterans" here (no offense in that term, I hope ;) ): I guess when you've been here for a while, you recognise bigger patterns, you've probably heard it all all 100x before etc. ;) So, I would understand if sometimes patience wears a bit thin of one issue or the other .... But let's keep in mind that the sight also attracts new people who like me come here because it had never even OCCURED to them that there might be such a thing as an "agegap relationship" (at least of the ow/ym kind ;) ) and even less a community around that ... Then I think Ageless provides valuable input and basis to change / modify ones perspective and maybe see things in a different light.

I would like to add - and I think I am speaking for NordicGuy here too - that the site and the feedback & comments of the more AGR / LDR experienced people helped us to "overcome the hurdle of confusion" and to more willingly accept our feelings rather than fighting them tooth and nail. I am not saying we wouldn't be where we are at the moment otherwise either, but I think it facilitated acceptance and allowed us to embrace the positive elements of our budding irl relationship more than just keep discussing all the negatives/obstacles/worries.

For those of you, who feel dating young adults is wrong per se, this is not what you would like to hear, I am sure ;) . For me, who believes that consenting adults should be fairly free to make their own choices, I can only say, I have found Ageless to be very supportive and helpful ....

Ok, signing off to get some work done now :p

PS: I know, I talk too much ... ^^

I read through this post and then reflect on a couple of posts by the bitter few. Then I browse through the rest of the site:

- The secret friend game
- The Hedgehogs
- The Oprah Show
- The Photo Album
- The amazing PM's and emails I get from people about Ageless
- The meeting in London
- The incredible Moderators contributing their personal time
- The special person of the week
- The either or game
- Dan's tips and tricks
- A thread about a couple recently matched on Ageless

It goes on and on with the odd bumps and hurdles but for the most part... an interesting and happy online community.

Thanks and enjoy!

---Rob

I still consider myself to be fairly new to this site, having been a member for 5 months. So, I don't have the perspective that others have on "how it used to be here". Each time I hear that I say to myself, "wow, I don't know how it could possibly be any better than this." Because I love this site.

I have to say to you TinyDancer, that I felt alot like Swan did when I read your post. I respect your opinion, but it does make me wonder if you realize that this is a support site as it says on the home page.

To quote you:

Women with little backbone, people without much common sense, free loading y/m, one woman who habitually falls in and out of love, people who actually think one age is better than the other......then have a fit when the other side of the board talks about our age and the issues we have as older, been burned a few times, women.

I don't usually speak out about others opinions, however, I don't see this as being supportive of people who have come here for guidance and support. People like me. I came to Ageless because a man I met online.... YES ONLINE.... and who is 17 years younger than me and from another country... is interested in me. Yes, it's an unconventional relationship. But, it's a very important one to me. I needed support and I found it here.

I have no way of knowing what this site used to be like for some of you who have been around a while, but what I do know is that right now this site is the best forum for me to come to for support and understanding of my situation.

I do think that there is a wide variety of different situations here. But, it's that variety that will enable us all to learn.

Technically, I don't belong here either. I came here originally, because after being out of the dating loop for many years, I found myself involved with a man 13 years younger than me. It was short-lived. Since then I have dated on occasion, but for some reason, all of them have been younger. It just happens that way, and in my confusion over why this younger man "phenomenon" in my life, I sought out some answers. I stayed because I have found some of those answers here, and I am learning more from this place every day. I stayed because I found great people here, whether I agree with them or not, and vice-versa. I can respect, and find value in all opinions. I've learned more about myself, and how I am not alone in some of my life experiences. Maybe I have something good to offer this place as well, maybe not.

When we offer advice, we have to realize that even though it was asked of us, that doesn't mean that our advice will be taken or agreed with. We all know that there were times in our lives we did not take someone's well-intentioned advice, and did what we wanted to do anyway. Maybe it worked out for us, and maybe it didn't. Right or wrong it was our choice to make at least. And right or wrong, it is always good to hear another point of view in order to weigh our decisions. Not everyone has had the same learning experiences, and we've all done dumb things, even when to someone else it seemed completely obvious that what we were doing was dumb. But that is part of the reason why some people come here, because when you are in it, you can't always see things objectively or with a clear, level head.

I like coming here, and will continue to do so, until they drag me out kicking and screaming. :p:)

....so happy that it doesn't have any problems that I'd feel the need to discuss. In the last 4 years I think we had 4 disagreements, and I wasn't wondering what to do-so I didn't post about it. He is 14 yrs. younger than me, successful in his job, financially independent, and constantly growing into being part of a very loving couple!

I think that this board serves a very important function: It teaches people how to spot unhealthy relationships. It teaches them that unpleasant things do happen to many people, therefore they do not have a unique problem, and it helps them see quite clearly how the personality of the person who is unhappy in a relationship either contributes to the problem, or allows it to continue. I can't emphasize enough how much of a school this site is. It offers real wisdom in several flavors, and the variety of problems and situations posted here are a true garden of humanity.

I am sorry to appear naive, but I don't understand how this site is "unsafe"-in what way??

I wish i had more time and energy to post here more often!!

Almeiraz
www.yourloveadvice.com

<b>*The opinions contained within are the sole opinions of the author of this post. They in no way reflect the opinions of others. Viewer descretion is advised.*</b>

I have been debating about whether to post this....

I had trouble sleeping last night. My mind was just still so active, not sure what caused it. Never fell asleep till about 2 am. But, in the course of time...I thought about alot of things. One thing, was this thread, and some things said herein.

I'm a self proclaimed computer geek. It's what I do. That means I've been to a lot of message boards, probably more than most. Alot of them are about tech. stuff and games....but, others are like this. There's a line of thought that I've used for these boards and I use it on this one as well...

"A message board is only as good as it's posters."

Now, I think this message board is reflective of it's posters. I think the people here are beautiful, wonderful, warm and loving people. I think they are sweet people...I think they are compassionate people. And in my mind....it shows. And thus the board is like that as well. It is beautiful...sweet, warm and loving in itself.

There are some that say this board isn't that. Well, if a msg board is only as good as it's posters and you don't think it's a good board...remember one thing. You're a poster as well. In other words, if you see a problem with this board...you are perhaps part of the problem.

Next point...

(You notice I don 't use transitional material here)

Some have said that there are only a few good quality people and the rest are not. Hey! Way to go...thanks for that massive slap across the kisser...

This particular board is full of friends, for me. There are so many people here that I consider a friend. There are so many people that I care about....that I like...and that I love as true friends. And, I hope to god that they all know who they are...

They are all people that I would love to be able to spend a day with. And ya know, it's possible it's probably hundreds of people. So....if you say that there are only a few people that are good quality peopl here. Then, tell me this, will you? Why...if I invite all these people to my house? Can the people over in the bordering states here us laughing and singing?

Listen, to be blunt? I'm a 24 year old nimrod. Okay? I haven't gone through life experiences like others. I've never been married....I've never been through some of the things that others have been through. And quite frankly, I'm the LAST person that should give advice out....

But the thing is...I don't. Not really, at least. Notice the title of this forum? This particular one? Relationship <b><i>SUPPORT</i></b>. It's not about advice. It's not about having role models...it's about SUPPORT....

In my heart, there are three basic...parts of support....

1) A shoulder or chest to lean on and cry.
2) An open ear to listen with. To let that person talk and vent and so you can listen with an open mind.
3) An open heart...so that you can love/like that person and care about them and show them that support.

And maybe I'm missing something? But...I see TONS of quote/unquote inspirational stories at this place. An inspirational story doesn't have to be about a couple marrying! Who in the bloody hell set forth that criteria? There are so many people here that ARE inspirational. There are the couples that are living together and growing together. Learning to love one another in a way that there hearts allow them. There are the couples that are no longer together. But yet, they are inspiration that you can still go on when a problem arises...that your heart doesn't crumble. An inspiration that we're all human...

Maybe I AM a 24 nimrod...

But you know what?

I'd rather have hundreds of people with a shoulder...with an ear and with an open heart....

Rather than a handful of "inspirational" stories...

Why?

An inspirational story doesn't listen....
An inspirational story doesn't calm you down when you're freaking out
An inspirational story doesn't hold you when you're crying
An inspirational story doesn't tell you that things will be alright.

So, I've rambled on long enough, I do suppose.

What I see in this board, is Reality. I see the warmth of reality and the cold reality...

An absence of either? You're just fooling yourself.

Once again, I will state...

Are we representative? You dang well bet we are...

I now return you to your regulary scheduled reading...

~Dan

Some have said that there are only a few good quality people and the rest are not. Hey! Way to go...thanks for that massive slap across the kisser...
Originally posted by Dan_Shues
<Some have said that there are only a few good quality people and the rest are not. Hey! Way to go...thanks for that massive slap across the kisser...
~Dan

THIS is exactly how I felt when I read some of the comments in this thread.
Ouch!
And then I thought, "What the heck did I do to deserve THAT?"
Geeesh.

I want to thank Dan for the excellent points that he made in his post.
BRAVO!
I was thinking on what I wanted to write myself after reading the comments here, but Dan captured it all.
Thank You Sweet Friend!

I will add:

I have been on the net for 4 years, but am rather new to Ageless.
I have been a member of many message and group forums over the last 4 years and Ageless is a "day in the park" compared to many of them.
Scary at Ageless?
LOL
NO.
If you scare that easily, don't nose around the net.
There IS some scary stuff out there, but NOT here at Ageless.

Also, with computers becoming so very affordable for folks, everyone has one now, and you are going to have to expect ALL kinds of people visiting a forum like this.
It's just the "nature of the beast'.

Ageless is what you make it.
To quote a fine man from our American history, (only changing a word or two)

Ask not what Ageless can do for you, but what can you do for Ageless.

My My My,
Thanks Maria for understanding my point........also the many pm's I got telling me that "I took the words right out of their mouth".
Also 48 hours contacted me a while back b/c they liked the clarity and sanity of my posts.....................I declined their offer to be on that show......I have enough to deal with w/o going on national tv. Would be good publicity for my upcoming show though.
If you all would have read the part in my post where it said that all the sadness was rubbing off on me and I was projecting that negativity onto my own relationship maybe then you wouldn't be in such an attack mode.......maybe not though........Melisande has cornered the market and set the stage for a lot of the bitterness here.......poor dear.
I truly hope that age gap relationships, handled with love and brains, do work and that me and mine will be one of them.
Also thanks for being here when I was scared and had my doubts. I am sure there will be more down the road.........even as superior as I am :)
This site is, however, is not what it was.......the games are nice Rob, the comraderie amongst the "in crowd" is sweet, the LDR's are many but IMO too iffy and not something I can relate to as I would never put myself in that position.
I would like my name taken off the member list if that is possible. Keep the posts.........don't have the time or the patience to delete them all.
Happy Holidays, Blessings, CIAO!!!!!!!

My post came across a bit harsher than I intended. I've gotten 3 letters in the past two weeks from women here who state that they are afraid to talk openly, one stated that she is being harassed to tears and has quit the board. I can't remember when I heard from this many people all at once. It's disconcerting to say the least.

Frankly, this site needs a good bouncer. YM are invited to come in and not all of them are gentlemen. The moderators do the best job they can, but they can't ban someone who needs to be kicked out. Alanna didn't ban very many people, but it helped to know that someone could and would kick out anyone who refused to act appropriately. Inappropriate PMs need to be delt with as quickly and firmly as ones posted on the forums. This is what keeps the site safe.

By safe, I'm not talking about the disagreements or debates. We are different people with different ideas. Does anyone remember back to the raging debate over the woman whose fiance had a smoking fetish and wanted to learn to smoke? That one raged on for a couple of weeks until no one remembered what the original question was. That got pretty heated and ended up in some flaming posts that did their own smoking. No...by safe I mean free from harassment and undue attention.

Sometimes people forget that the world can see what they write and one of the stranger people, usually male (sorry guys) feels free to harass them over it. All a woman should have to do is forward the PM to the Admin and expect to have the sender delt with. This is how the big dating sites handle it and it's what keeps them in business.

Everyone appears to think I am promoting that "other site." I am NOT! It is strictly for support and is not a community. It is not a place you "hang out" and visit and it is not for everyone. I advise people who ask about it to also visit the boards at IVillage.com and Lovingyou.com because you never know who will be able to answer your question. Lovingyou does tend to be full of teens worried about dating someone a year younger, but sometimes you find an adult. IVillage is mostly YW/OM couples and their format is terrible to try to read. It always comes back to this site being the best place to get support and feel as if you are part of a community.

I fuss about this site because I would like it to be the best site on the net for Agegap support. If I didn't care I'd be off Christmas shopping instead of writing another missive.

Maria, I know you feel as if you are being given a gift by having this site available for "free." It isn't free. Your participation is your contribution toward keeping it active and available. Without posters like you donating their time here, this site would die. It's more of a symbiotic relationship between the posters and the owner. The goal of the owner should be to encourage as many members to stay and post as is possible. The members, in turn, support the site and the owner by trying to make it a good place to come. Sort of like a club where you don't pay rent, but do take care of the property and try to improve the neighborhood. When this happens, both sides benefit.

Most couples without problems don't seek support, but many, if not most, agegap couples do because we are still way in the minority. Many couples don't make it for a lot of reasons, not the least is a lack of support at home. So having a good place to come and talk and see how others handle it is very helpful. It's what I was looking for and what I found here four years ago when I first came. The nicer and safer a place is the more people will stay, or at least return periodically. That's the goal of any site, but it's especially important for a support site.

Having written yet another book, I'm off to Amazon for some Christmas shopping.

Peace,
Jane

Yes, I see what you mean, BA and I agree with much of what you said. But you are wrong in many things, too, like for example assuming we have to cope with the impolite and rude members. We don't have to, and we don't cope with them.

We have banned minors, people who sent rude PMs, we have banned people disrespecting the rules. We ban more than before, because we are more. When I came to this site, we were not even 2000 members, and that was one year ago. We are more than 5000 now. So you calculate.

And I'm sorry, but this site is private and I guess it's no news that it doesn't make any money or maybe a little, the end of it wouldn't disturb anyone else but us. So I guess we should, yes, be grateful for it. And if one day it starts making money, which I hope for the owners, it will still be private.

Anyway, what do you think we could do to improve it? We could always use some advice, too.

Just yesterday I was being harassed by Goose777. I forwarded the PMs he sent me to last1standing and now the Goose is gone.

So we still have avenues of help here. Don't know who was being harassed or how or why she is gone or what she tried to do about it but boy123 was harassing me too and now he is gone.

It is risky posting on the sexual topics board. I think I will leave that one alone in the future.

Originally posted by tinydancer
My My My,
Thanks Maria for understanding my point........also the many pm's I got telling me that "I took the words right out of their mouth".
Also 48 hours contacted me a while back b/c they liked the clarity and sanity of my posts.....................I declined their offer to be on that show......I have enough to deal with w/o going on national tv. Would be good publicity for my upcoming show though.

I would like my name taken off the member list if that is possible. Keep the posts.........don't have the time or the patience to delete them all.
Happy Holidays, Blessings, CIAO!!!!!!!

I'm sorry TD, I have valued your opinions very much here, but I have to wonder, why tell us this as you head out the door?

It reeks of, "I'm too good for you now" and ya know, I take some offense to that, (just a little, not a lot).

It's rather interesting that once a person has found the happy union that they have always dreamed of, they have little tolerance for others sharing their pain.
It rubs off on you?
As strong and evolved as you are TD, I can't imagine you are that fragile.

I am not writing this to start a riff are fuel any debates within this thread.
It's just that after reading this, I felt the need to respond.

It saddens me more than anything.
Those that have found the happy unions have so much to contribute here, yet they pass judgement and sashay out the door.

Ageless has nothing more to "give" them, so ta-ta.
Very sad indeed.

Originally posted by Sage
I'm sorry TD, I have valued your opinions very much here, but I have to wonder, why tell us this as you head out the door?

It reeks of, "I'm too good for you now" and ya know, I take some offense to that, (just a little, not a lot).

It's rather interesting that once a person has found the happy union that they have always dreamed of, they have little tolerance for others sharing their pain.
It rubs off on you?
As strong and evolved as you are TD, I can't imagine you are that fragile.

I am not writing this to start a riff are fuel any debates within this thread.
It's just that after reading this, I felt the need to respond.

It saddens me more than anything.
Those that have found the happy unions have so much to contribute here, yet they pass judgement and sashay out the door.

Ageless has nothing more to "give" them, so ta-ta.
Very sad indeed.

That's how I am reading it too. Have a good life.

Here we go again....

This concept seems so simple to me....if you are not happy here...leave. If you find this site "unsupportive"....go. If you do not like the topics that are allowed or not allowed...farewell.
I tell you what else irks me....why the dramatic "Take me off the list?" goodbyes? If I get tired of this site I will quietly go. I will quit posting...PM my closest friends and take my feelings and go.

If anyone here really wants to help Ageless become a better site then I suggest you send PMs to the administrator with suggestions. Send PM's to the moderators with suggestions and complaints..that is what they are there for. If someone starts attacking someone...don't jump in with posts like a cat fight. Ignore the negativity...report the post..post a supportive reply addressing only the original posters concern...send a pm of support but don't keep stirring the pot.

This I am posting because I think everyone needs to hear it. I find it so odd that people are so discouraged with Ageless and yet continue to stay. I have belonged to real life clubs and associations like this too. People join a group...and do they help improve it? No, they gossip among themselves, complain and criticize and stay...all the while acting miserable and making others miserable too.

I feel for the moderators. When they moderate..someone cries "FOUL", when they don't moderate someone cries "NOT SAFE PLACE" I see posts that I feel should have been moderated and I see some deleted that did not offend me. However, I am not going to ***** and moan about it all day long. Over all I like it here. There is no utopia in the message board world. You just have to find one that makes you feel the most comfortable. If Ageless is not it...I am sorry but please go find one that suits you better.

First off...I like how convienent it was for asseenontv to pop up here. I suspect it's an alt. ID of someone...or someone who is no longer around the site...

I don't have to explain anything...I said all I needed to say with my disclaimer...hence the reason I put that there. I spoke for myself, basically...and my views.

Sage...thank you...*Hugs*....hearing that means alot to me...

And Tru! RUH-ROH!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! TICKED OFF TRU ALOT! She's on the warpath.....it's Hiawatha gone crazy!

Originally posted by Dan_Shues


And Tru! RUH-ROH!

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! TICKED OFF TRU ALOT! She's on the warpath.....it's Hiawatha gone crazy!

*Bats eyelashes* Who? Lil ol' me? Why sir, I am just a southern belle who must have been overcome with the vapors.

Originally posted by Tru
Here we go again....

This concept seems so simple to me....if you are not happy here...leave. If you find this site "unsupportive"....go. If you do not like the topics that are allowed or not allowed...farewell.
I tell you what else irks me....why the dramatic "Take me off the list?" goodbyes? If I get tired of this site I will quietly go. I will quit posting...PM my closest friends and take my feelings and go.

If anyone here really wants to help Ageless become a better site then I suggest you send PMs to the administrator with suggestions. Send PM's to the moderators with suggestions and complaints..that is what they are there for. If someone starts attacking someone...don't jump in with posts like a cat fight. Ignore the negativity...report the post..post a supportive reply addressing only the original posters concern...send a pm of support but don't keep stirring the pot.

This I am posting because I think everyone needs to hear it. I find it so odd that people are so discouraged with Ageless and yet continue to stay. I have belonged to real life clubs and associations like this too. People join a group...and do they help improve it? No, they gossip among themselves, complain and criticize and stay...all the while acting miserable and making others miserable too.

I feel for the moderators. When they moderate..someone cries "FOUL", when they don't moderate someone cries "NOT SAFE PLACE" I see posts that I feel should have been moderated and I see some deleted that did not offend me. However, I am not going to ***** and moan about it all day long. Over all I like it here. There is no utopia in the message board world. You just have to find one that makes you feel the most comfortable. If Ageless is not it...I am sorry but please go find one that suits you better.




http://home.zonnet.nl/forum_spam/misc/misc/images/0109.jpg

I have been thinking about this representative thing for a while now, and talked to some members about it, and we all agree that the happy stories in the site help the newbies to realise that age gap relationships may have their bumps, but they work out just fine, like any other.

The interviews with couples who have a long term relationship was a great idea of Jody. I just love it. I didn't know so much about Cowboy (I always forget his number ;) ) as I do now after reading his interview.

Articles like the one Tru posted today are excellent, too. We know we are not alone. I know that if someone comes here with a bulldog mother-in-law, I'll have some good things to tell her.

Going back to my original question, I think we can't represent all types of age gap relationships, not until all cultures, races and ages are using internet. That's the first thing. Then, people coming here, have at least the time to come, not all couples have. And finally, we are people who are not afraid to post, either our problems, either our advices.

There are ways to make some of us post more and it's by creating the means, the right threads, the right questions, inciting them to come and tell us about their experience.

Originally posted by asseenontv
thats what i meant in my post...I copied your disclaimer to mine, thus it becoming my disclaimer aslo... an unbiased opinion that simply stated that support comes also in the form of advice, so why be defensive. I did not come to this place to start anything but to only give my opinion on what i read :confused:

I didn't see anything wrong with your post either.

So many times I have come online and seen MANY members and MANY guests here and no one is posting. I often wonder why. You can see by my number of posts in a short time that I am an ACTIVE member.

Question: WHY DON'T YOU POST

you know who you are.

Remember school? Remember those that sat in front and would raise their hands? Would ask even the most inane questions?

Remember those that sat in the back and never said a word? Never asked a question? Had nothing to say?

They all had one thing in common though. They were all there, errrr... here... ahhhhh....:confused:

Saltwater, I was always in the principal's office. :(

And now he's always at the moderators' office ....


I had to kidnapp my own thread!! For Joe! :p

Originally posted by Joe
Saltwater, I was always in the principal's office. :(


Now why am I not surprised? LOL! Bad boy bad boy whatcha gonna do.... LOL!

Gotta love those boys that were in the principal's office!

Joe....

I just never got caught:D

Originally posted by MariaLux
And now he's always at the moderators' office ....


I had to kidnapp my own thread!! For Joe! :p


Am I in trouble now? :p

No, you are like wine, Joe, getting better everyday! ;)

Now, back to our original discussion, folks!!! :cool:

Originally posted by SaltwaterBlues
Joe....

I just never got caught:D


I just didn't give a rat's a$$!!! :D

on tinydancer's comment on my cornering the market on bitterness around here. here is the dictionary definition of 'bitterness':

"bitterness n. tartness, piquancy, pungency, acidity, sourness, acridity, brackishness, brininess. "

sounds a whole lot bedda than colorless, spineless and dull, and if that's bitterness, i'll take it. :D

Wine? Wine? Did someone mention wine? I have a few new bottles I am dying to open...is 1:45pm too early? I am eating a slice of leftover cheese pizza...it is calling for wine. Hey, it is holiday week! My kids are out of school and I am giving myself the day off!

Who is the worst?

BACK to the thread.

When I came here I was concerned because I had a potential relationship with a man 19 years younger than me. The people here welcomed me with open arms.

When the relationship proved to be a hoax, the people here commiserated and spoke harsh truths.

Now that I am floundering in the sea of men. Hitting rocks and crashing waves. I know I can turn to people here. You would not believe the PMs I get. The people here are beautiful beyond words.

I am one of the ones who some may tire of. One of the ones who doesn't ever seem to get it right.

I hope someday I am like Tinydancer and have a good relationship. At that time I will still come here and see all the people here who are floundering like I am now. I will reach out my hand and pull them to shore.

Originally posted by MariaLux
No, you are like wine, Joe, getting better everyday! ;)

Now, back to our original discussion, folks!!! :cool:


Hey thanks!!! :D

Originally posted by swanqueen
Who is the worst?



JOE!:D

YEAH!!!!!!! http://www.extreme-athlete.com/forums/images/smilies/rockon.gif

Well, back to the subject. :)

Hi,
I have been lurking around here for months and finally registered today.
I am a 30 yr old woman in love with a 20 yr old man and I try to not let our ages mess with my head too much.
Reading some of the posts have helped me alot with my fears but like tiny I start to become depressed and scared that my love with my y/m won't work out. I think she is wrong to let it get to her and leave because her posts have inspired me. I didn't hear her say that she had her act together, I heard her say that she takes on all of the problems and her husband told her to leave because she reads bad break ups and get frightened. Some people on here are a tad wacky and seem to make very unstable choices over and over again.
Swan, you are so cute and have cracked me up more then once but I feel bad for tiny because maybe she can't help and that is the problem. She seems to me like the type of person who would help if she could and you gotta admit some problems people write around here make this place look kind of crazy sometimes.
Sorry if my first time writing here hurt anybodys feelings.
Risingsun

Don't apologize, Rising, yours is a very polite post and you have the right to agree or disagree with other members posts.

I would just tell you that it's true that sometimes we face crazy situations around Ageless, and the only thing we can do is to come up with our experience and our good will to try to help people.

As far as our answers are not crazier than the situations brought to us, I think we can really make a difference.

One day, when you feel like it, share your experience with us. :)

If that is what she meant, that she felt bad because she couldn't help and this place was making her feel negative. Then by all means I support her decision.

I think the exit drama somehow seemed to imply that the place was driving her away. That we had silly problems.

That's how I took it. Apparantly she doesn't feel superior. So I was wrong about that.

Hi Again,
Thankyou Marialux for the nice welcome! I wish I could tell you more about my situation but I can't. My boyfriend and my agent wouldn't be happy if they found out.
I am in the motion picture industry and have learned to watch what I say and do.
The reason that I wrote at all was because I have met the one who calls herself tinydancer many years ago. I almost fainted a when I saw her picture here. She was such an inspiration to me when I wanted to be a dancer about 14 or 15 years ago. I saw her dance when I was taking lessons at the school of the ballet company that she was dancing in and she was beyond amazing. Once she came in and demonstrated for my class. She wasn't like alot of the company members who didn't have time to talk to us. She was always so kind and inspirational. I joined after reading this so that I could that I contact her and say thanks for giving me hope ( even with my bad turnout ) I had no luck trying to private email her. I guess she doesn't have it turned on.
So J if you do read this I just want to say thanks for being someone a little dancer could look up to.
I figured she could use a little pat on the back and I wanted to return the favor she gave me.
Risingsun

I always liked what Tiny Dancer had to say, because she was always so sincere and either trying to help or trying to learn. I can relate also to her letting this place affect her life to a point where her husband is telling her she should just leave. I hope she doesn't leave, because I think she's a good example of a healthy, happy AGR, and an inspiration to those who have a hopeful situation but are a bit skittish about it.

I've read all the threads, and I sense some animosity from Rosalynde, who is another success story. I want to address that, if I may. Rosalynde, I firmly believe your relationship is nothing short of a miracle. This isn't an insult, I'm weighing the odds. He was 17, you were in your 30's; however, there were extenuating circumstances. Mike is a highly intelligent individual. He was focused an knew what he wanted by the time you met him. It must have been very hard for him to find a female of any age to keep up with him. You're a highly intelligent woman. You're an educator, Mike was pursuing a career in education. Both families approved of the relationship. You and Mike enjoy activities with his friends and yours. You have acceptance from co-workers. You don't even LOOK older than him. Mike proposed to you, a year after you two were finally together, with a beautiful diamond ring at a nice restaurant that he chose to take you to. Mike has never ONCE indicated that he'd be even remotely interested in another woman. He has adored you, doted over you, and was totally prepared to become your husband and your child's father. Rosalynde, tell me how ONE, just ONE other relationship that started out with a minor boy and a divorced, middle aged mother has turned out like yours, no big problems, no chaos, just evolving like a same-age relationship would.

This is what I'm talking about, people. Supportive doesn't always mean AGREEING. Sometimes, supportive means calling a spade, a spade. You know why? For the ONE Rosalynde story, there are at least 100 similar stories that ended in the ym being confused and feeling guilty when he finally came of age to go out and party, really experience life, and realized he made a BIG mistake and wanted out, and the ow cried and pleaded and tried to bend to make things work, and ended up being a doormat with no dignity left.

I'm talking about the women who come here, so distraught, some of them losing jobs and children over these guys that were kids themselves. They weren't equipped with the knowlege or maturity to make such a monumental commitment, yet these ow hold them to it. It comforts me to know we won't be discussing relationships with minors any longer, and yes, I realize that as a member of this site, I have to respect those who are with 18 and over, but I still think that if there are warning signs, (mind you, brought out BY THE WOMEN THEMSELVES), that we are compelled to point them out and help a woman see clearly, when she is so blinded by infatuation. We are also compelled to protect ym from female predators, who are manipulative and seek only to fulfill their own needs, regardless of what it does to the ym's life or relationship to his family.

I belive THIS is the purpose of a close community, for we are like a family, and the advice of a family member isn't always welcome or wanted, but it is always given with love and concern.

Polly
you put this last post very well, and I even kinda agree with you in many, although not necessarily all respects ;)

I agree with you on the small odds of developing / having a committed long-term relationship with a very ym; I agree they deserve to be "warned" about predators (I doubt you can "protect" anyone, and most certainly not on an anonymously online forum ;) ); and I agree with you on people often ignore the red flag issues for too long and that it is supportive to point them out.

All this I can agree with, if the points are made without being judgemental disrespect (and yeah, I know, I am sure I have been guilty of that a couple of times too, when things get heated ;) ).

I agree less with your point of Rosalynde & Mike being so unique ... - not saying they are not, but my point is that pretty much ALL individuals and therefore any prospective couple is just as unique - you are right in saying that if Rosalynde & Mike (or Bella & David) make it, that does not mean others will make it too - but it also doesn't mean that others WON'T make it.
The point is that all individuals are different and each relationship has its own dynamics - and which ones work and which ones don't you (nor they) will not always know in advance.

So, sure, know the pitfalls, but I would suggest that this does not imply an automatic judgement on the outcome of ANY other relationship. And this is not restricted to relationships with very young guys (even if the odds of "success" defined in your terms are probably pretty low), but to every relationship. Some think a successful relationship is being married for 50 years, even if the spouses lead daily guerilla warfare against each other; others think a successful relationship is one where you can grow and develop and have good and fond memories of each other, even if it only last a few years. I also don't consider other "parameters" you mention as that crucial (family approval, level of intelligence, partying etc.), again because people place various levels on importance on those, and if those are shared by the partners, I don't see those as necessary obstacles ;)

Bottomline for me, by all means illustrate the pitfalls, but as long as we try not to jump to conclusion or judgement on other peoples choices or values or outcomes - and then I am sure we can agree on a lot of things ;).

Regarding other posts ...

Now, the point I really wanted to post about was something to do with what someone called all those "whacky" peoply coming here looking for support or those inherently instable, self-abusive or whatever ....

You know I have been involved in a forum dealing with depression and relatives of depression (due to my ex-b/f) - and personally, I always find it amazing how much abuse a lot of the women there tolerate in the name of "I love him and I know he's ill". And you can actually get pretty hostile reactions if you suggest that abuse is NOT tolerable or excuseable, regardless of the disease - after all, depression impacts your emotions, not your choices or responsibilities. But that's what a lot of people are not willing to hear - they want to hear that all their problem is down to the disease and if thir DSO only get treated there will be a happy ever-after (usually on their terms :p ) ... - Why am I saying this? Because the "support" expectations of a lot of people differ - and their level of "whackiness" or instability - that's why people look around to find those who can help them, either comfort them or provide practical advise. Why should Ageless attract a different crowd?! This kinda thing seems so prevalent and is surely not restricted to Ageless ;) But add any agegap to the mixture and do a google search and you will be here ;)

This might be exasperating at times, but I doubt it will change - as someone else said: support and advise here is just that: take what works for you and leave out what doesn't.

And don't take everything here so very personal, I might add as a suggestion to everyone ;) Other people opinions only hold as much value / power over you, as you give them ;)

wow thats a long post !