Letting Go...

Letting go of someone you love is, perhaps, the most difficult thing in life. It doesn’t matter who made the choice; it is hard to let go. The amount of time you spent together doesn’t matter either for it is that connection between your souls that bonds you and breaking that bond is painful.

Around the first of November, my YM decided it would be best if we were just friends… I reluctantly agreed and told him it would take time because I have never been able to do that with anyone no matter how much I loved them. We didn’t talk for a week and I almost died. When we did finally talk it was on Yahoo messenger and the conversation was ugly and painful. He tried to push me away by making me angry and I did the same… Still we couldn’t walk away from each other. The phone conversations began and there were periods of awkward silence and times when it seemed as nothing had changed. It was the times when everything seemed “normal” that fanned my heart’s flicker of hope. I found myself believing that we would be back together and things would get better. Then, my head would remind my heart that it was different and I was being foolish to think we had a future together. This confusion between my head and my heart continued until Thursday night.

We talked that night for a long time about anything and everything. Then my head began that conversation with my heart. I decided he needed to know that there was confusion on my part…confusion about still being in love with him and trying to be just a friend. I needed closure. This emotional rollercoaster had to end before I could be his friend and I still don’t know if I could be just a friend. I explained to him that I felt like we were both still holding on to each other and he agreed. Then, this was the hardest part, I told him I had to let him go and he had to let me go before both of us could move forward. It broke my heart and his but it had to be done. The closure had to be there to extinguish the hope in my heart. I don’t think that he had realized prior to this that he was still holding on to me.

We agreed that we shouldn’t talk for awhile but ended up talking on Yahoo messenger for a few minutes that same night. I told him that I felt free now and felt like I was ready to let him go. He said he needed time to let me go. We both admitted we are still in love with one another and I asked him why we were doing this… All he could say was that it was already done…

I still don’t know if I did the right thing and may never know. All I know is that I chose to let my YM go and asked him to let me go. I am still in love with him but I love him enough to let him go. I hope and pray that one day he will return to me. Only time will tell and until then my heart will continue to love him every second of every minute of every day of every month of every year for the rest of my life and all eternity…

Letting go is the hardest part and friendship seems like a facsimile compare to the real thing. I don't know too many people who can maintain a friendship. Yes, your heart will heal and you will go on to someone else, but his love will always be there safely guarded in a small part of your heart.

I want to tell you that this will past, and the sun will shine again and maybe at some point you two might want to be friends, but to hope and pray that you both will get back together, don't put your life on hold for that. You both may be on different paths then and I'm willing to bet you'll find someone willing to carry you and love you forever

But you hang in there, remember you are special and for a little while you were well loved and someday you'll meet someone who is available and willing to share in a bigger love and he will be there for you for the long haul, not just the here and now.

Paris

Good for you for gracefully accepting your guy's decision to end your relationship. As Paris says, just wait for the man who will be committed enough to stay with you, if that is what you really want. Staying friends with exes is not a good idea. A relationship is based on feelings unique to itself. My boyfriend is not my best friend; he is my boyfriend, which is a unique type of friend. I NEVER stay in contact with my exes, regardless of who ended the affair. When the feelings die on either side of the couple, the relationship is over. You will only get hurt and look like a fool if you try to be his "friend". Don't even go there.

Staying friends with an ex can be difficult, but also can be done. However, to do it, you need to know and feel it is over. If one wants it to become something the other does not want it to be, then it will be a difficult friendship. I've been on both ends, after soem time and distance it was okay, but we had both moved on, or at least resolved oruselves to moving on. Stay away until you can have the resolve to not let it be more than a friendship.

It's always good to hear from someone who has been in this situation. I sent him the thread because he said he wanted to read it so hopefully he'll gain insight from what others have to say about it.

Thanx for the input and support. I love this site because of the good people and good advice that is shared.

Hanging by a thread, but hanging nonetheless!

Tigerlily

Originally posted by tigerlily
Around the first of November, my YM decided it would be best if we were just friends… I reluctantly agreed

... He said he needed time to let me go. We both admitted we are still in love with one another and I asked him why we were doing this… All he could say was that it was already done…


Your ex-boyfriend was a very confusing person, that's why closing all this was so difficult for you, to whom separation was imposed (by him). He probably doesn't do this because of being mean, but without knowing he was putting you through a real psychological hell.

Your decision was right. I have been there, and if I had followed his ideas, we would still be around, as friends , but hey, I could never look at him as friends again, not while I was still crazily in love with him. You need time to mourn this loss, and everything will be fine.

I know what it's like to still have feelings of more than friendship for someone who only wants to be friends. I'm still living with the man that decided he only wanted a friendship with me, because he and I are roommates. It's hard. It's getting easier, because we actually weren't ever a "couple", but watching him fall for another woman hurts.
I'm friends with him, because I'd rather have that than nothing with him, but it makes it hard to move on.
On the other side of the coin, my ex boyfriend of four years and I are still friends. Neither one of us is interested in getting back together romantically with the other, and we can talk to each other about other relationships without weird feelings. So it can be done.
The bottom line is, however, that maintaining a friendship with someone you still have feelings for pulls at your heartstrings and makes you hope for more. I'm sure it's not healthy.

I disagree with a previous poster about being friends with an ex. An adult relationship sometimes requires that you maintain friendly relations no matter who called it off. I do feel that you should give yourself some time and distance to let your feelings of anger and frustration and pain mellow before you attempt friendship. I think you have already seen that there is a trap when it's too soon. One or both parties start believing that there is any hope. Usually ,if there was hope, you would still be in the relationship!

I'm doing what Tigerlily is doing this week too. I got some mixed messages from my ym, and that is because he is a ym and too ym for me! My feelings for this person are mostly blurred now. I wish you well Tigerlily and I hope you will feel good about yourself and your life soon. Just remember, you gave your heart to someone, and you have the power to take it back if it's obviously not working.

Witchy

In my experience, you can't "let go" of true love. My husband is 26 years my senior. I crumpled under the weight of the resulting issues because of the gap and pushed him away and out - broke his heart and mine. After 9 miserable months of trying to come to terms with the loss, he gave me a wake up call by making it clear that he was going to try to let go and not speak with me again or contact me. The next morning, I blew off work and drove 7 hours round trip just to see him. I flew into his arms without ever looking back and we are happily married now. I never found happiness, peace nor contentment in his absence - and believe you me I sure tried! As the younger part of the relationship, I didn't get clear about the uniqueness of our relationship until we were apart. As the older half of our relationship, he didn't need to learn that lesson so he tried to be patient hoping I would figure it out for myself.

Granted, each and every relationship is different. But, I believe that when it's love, true love, soulmate material, deep happiness and contentment will not flow without that person's presence in your life. The trick is for both partners to realize that and give themselves over to it. I have no regrets to this day and feel very fortunate that it only took me 9 months and not a lifetime to learn this lesson.

Best of luck to all of you.

Thanx to all of you who have responded. I am grateful to learn of the experiences of others. I have never been able to remain friends with an ex because my feelings run deep and it takes me a long time to get over a relationship. Maybe that's why I waited 10 years before I gave my heart again... I wasn't looking for love when I met my YM but it just kinda came naturally. That's what is so disheartening to me... I opened my heart and my feelings to someone and before I knew it - BAM! - I had fallen in love.

I have no doubts that he meant it when he said he loved me and was still in love with me. I don't doubt anything he ever said to me. I know his feelings were and still are genuine but I remain vulnerable to more heartache if I don't distance myself from him right now. Maria is right when she says I need closure. I need to go through the grieving process and finalize the relationship. Then, and only then, can I move forward with my life.

If this is true love and we are soulmates as we both thought we were, I know it will work out for both of us. I wont' put my life on hold until I find out - I'm just trying to recover...

Still hanging....

TigerLily

Tigerlily - - -

I have never been in your situation, but that doesn't keep me from having a clue of what you are going through. Just keep in your heart that what is meant to happen will happen. And we are here for you.

This thread reminds me of a little poem I used to love and have no idea who wrote it:

Love will fly if held too lightly,
Love will die if held too tightly,
Lightly, tightly, how do I know,
Whether I'm killing or letting you go?

Great poem Peachy ... and very appropriate.

Tigerlily, I can identify with you EXACTLY. Your posts mirror my breakup with my last young man ...

I know the heartache of giving your all after a very long time, as well as the joy you most probably shared while together ... PM me if you like ...

you're in my thoughts ...

e

Relationships don’t always succeed, and it’s no surprise that I’ve had my share of bad break ups. Not like War of the Roses, but close. Said things, broke things and mostly just broke each other’s hearts.
Recovery can be constructive or destructive, productive or non-productive. If you recognize the difference, you can tilt the balance toward the positive.

These seven steps have helped me bounce back from many bad break-ups:

Limit damaging behavior
I was tempted to do what I saw in a movie: Drown my sorrows with champagne while singing along to a CD of French torch songs and weeping uncontrollably. Okay, I did it once, but it didn’t speed up my recovery. Wallowing feels good, but too much of it is obviously... too much.


Set a deadline
There was no way to ignore the pain, and anyway I’m not good at denial. Giving myself permission to be sad was easy, but I needed a time limit for grieving. I allowed one day for each month we were together. The total came to two weeks. I promised myself I’d have a new routine by then.


Purge
The first order of business was to get rid of daily reminders of him. I gathered his gifts, the things we bought together and our pictures (the ones he was in and the ones he took of me). No, I didn’t trash everything. I gave some of it away and stored the rest. Someday in my old age I’ll be ready to look back on him fondly.


Express yourself
I wrote him a letter. Not a bitter one. It turned out tender and nostalgic. I genuinely wished him well. Mostly it was about the pain of being without him and about all the reasons why the break-up was the right thing to do. Of course I didn’t send the letter. I thought of burning it, but chose to keep it. Writing it was cathartic.


Get a new hobby
I signed up for piano lessons — something on my list of dreams, wishes and goals. I felt better about myself for taking this step. When the lessons started, I was grateful for the distraction, and each new accomplishment gave me a big boost. It didn’t hurt that the instructor was a hottie.


Live well and prosper
I continued with my established gym regimen and made sure I looked good. I was careful not to bury myself in work and career, but I used some of the extra time to earn more and was definitely spending less. Good health and financial success are always the best revenge.


Get a(nother) life
I kept more options in mind — yoga, a new hair color — but by the end of two weeks, they weren’t necessary. I posted a free profile on Match.com and began hearing from local guys almost immediately. A quick search should have been #1 on my list.

My ex and I were the best of friends - I even think he would like to have kept that aspect of things after he left, but . . . I couldn't get anywhere near that with someone who had hurt me like that.

A while back my YM suggested that he might be a better friend to me than a "lover" (my word, not his) - it had been a tough weekend and I was quite upset. We had been close as friends before we got "involved" - it was a great friendship, but I knew full well that I sacrificed it when we became intimate.

Whatever happens, it was well worth losing a friend over!! I told him that if/when that time came, how we would go forward would depend on what went before and how he/I/we came to the "ending" decision.

j