Ok is this a BAD Idea??

Ok well my ex OW's friend and I have been running into eachother at the gym. We talk about un ex related things, and she asked if I still had her number, which of course I did not, and she asked if I wanted to go out tomorrow night, like with her and some friends (w/out my ex). I said ok but am having doubts about whether this is a good idea or not. She gave me her number and said for me not to tell my ex, which I also said to her! Then she said she needed my advice on a guy, but I'm thinking I should tell her he's no good and she should go out with me! Am I reading too much into this and I should just take it for what it is, friends hanging out? Is this a test? Isn't there a golden rule between friends about going out with the others ex? So I don't know, I think I should just take it for what it is and if something happens it happens! I mean f--- my ex, she hasn't shown any sign of wanting to get back together or anything and I really don't know if I would anyhow! I'm feeling as if I should start dating with in my age range (26) because at this time I really don't have much to offer older women except for my heart and pretty damn good sex!lol! Almost like I'd be holding them back, but I'm just so attracted to older women ! All of your thoughts are appreciated!

http://home.zonnet.nl/forum_spam/misc/hitit/images/0620.jpg

LMFAO!!! I'm thinking that too Joe and G.W.!
Thanks man

Your ex may be mad at her friend if you did hit it off. And you know in the long term you WOULD eventually end up at the same place together. Could be tense. Her friend may lose a friend (how close were they?)

But all that is really HER problem not yours. If you can handle the tense moments when you are all together in the same spot then I'd say GO FOR IT.

And who could ask for anything more than a good man's heart? That is the beauty of OW's - usually we can take care of everything else for ourselves. Oh except the sex...but you have that covered too.

Personally speaking, I wouldn't go there - it sounds like you are still pretty bitter about your ex, so for me that would be enough to stay clear of any connection. Sooner or later you will bump into each other, and it might get uncomfortable.

It's not so much that you would owe anything to your ex, but it still seems a situation asking for drama, and personally I am not into that kinda thing, so that's why I would advise to look elsewhere maybe.

Having said that, it's up to you, really ;) Maybe you got a higher tolerance level for discomfort than me :D

Good luck either way ;)

You don't owe anything to your ex and neither does the new woman, all's fair in love and war, right.

On the other hand, get ready for a bumpy ride. This might just bother your ex...not because she wants you back...but because you don't know what her feelings are at this point, and although, I'm not assuming the reasons why you two broke up to begin with were amicable, I will assume that it was a difficult situation for both of you. And seeing you with her friend, well, it would be hard for her all around.

but then again, this could be a great relationship for you, huh. I say go out as friends and really see where this goes before you jump the gun on a being the new bedroom partner. But forget the secrecy part though, although there's no reason to tell your ex anything if you're going out as friends...there's no reason to keep it from her either within the course of the situation. The sooner she gets used to the fact that you're friends, the faster it might be for her to see both of you as a couple should it happen down the road.

paris

Hi P.D.B.,

I read through a few of your posts in order to get some background on what you've been through with your "ex". It seems you've been very supportive of her and that's really wonderful.

I see this potential relationship with your ex's friend to be a problem if you're embarking on it as a way to get back at your ex or to know what's going on with her. There's such an emotional attachment to your ex in your posts and although I think it's great that you have such love for this woman, at the same time, you need time to heal that wound and I think it's still fresh from what I'm reading.

It's tough to be with someone who doesn't return your affection/dedication--just got out of that type of relationship myself, but I would never date/sleep with one of my ex's friends. It's too close to home.

My uncle is manic/depressive and when he's not on his meds it's horrible for everyone around him, so I know the stress and pain such a condition can issue. You want to have compassion, but it's so damned frustrating when that person can't clearly see what's best for them. Your ex was a lucky girl in having you, but her condition is clearly not stable and yeah, I think it's time for you to move on and in my opinion, that's outside of her circle of pals.

Sorry--I know it's not what you want to hear...just speaking from my experience and hope you find peace with all of this.


Jean

Originally posted by beanie2
Hi P.D.B.,

I read through a few of your posts in order to get some background on what you've been through with your "ex". It seems you've been very supportive of her and that's really wonderful.

I see this potential relationship with your ex's friend to be a problem if you're embarking on it as a way to get back at your ex or to know what's going on with her. There's such an emotional attachment to your ex in your posts and although I think it's great that you have such love for this woman, at the same time, you need time to heal that wound and I think it's still fresh from what I'm reading.

It's tough to be with someone who doesn't return your affection/dedication--just got out of that type of relationship myself, but I would never date/sleep with one of my ex's friends. It's too close to home.

My uncle is manic/depressive and when he's not on his meds it's horrible for everyone around him, so I know the stress and pain such a condition can issue. You want to have compassion, but it's so damned frustrating when that person can't clearly see what's best for them. Your ex was a lucky girl in having you, but her condition is clearly not stable and yeah, I think it's time for you to move on and in my opinion, that's outside of her circle of pals.

Sorry--I know it's not what you want to hear...just speaking from my experience and hope you find peace with all of this.


Jean

PDB,
I too have read your past posts about your ex, and I would have to agree with Jean here. And some of what Carazy says about all the drama. Your past relationship was fraught with too many emotional ups and downs.. I can only say what I would do, because ultimately, it's up to you.. but, I'd get off the roller coaster completely, and out of that park. I agree that you owe nothing to your ex, and that you should see who you want, but you do owe it to yourself to perhaps start fresh, and if that means seeking an entirely different arena for your potential relationships, then so be it. You say these women are friends.. undoubtedly they talk. Don't you think you are sometimes the topic of conversation? I don't see it as a big deal to go out and hang out with friends.. but if you are looking for more to happen with this woman, and reading what you have written about your ex (her emotional instability, her immaturity and unpredictabilty) .. I think you are asking for trouble you don't want.

Either way you choose, I hope all works out.. consider what is best for YOU at this time.

Take care,
Gen

Thank you all for your input! I was wondering if I was doing this out of revenge or something like that but I really think I like talking to this woman. I have detoured every conversation with her that involved my ex into a different subject and really don't know if she talks about me with my ex. I'm thinking they do not because she did ask if I still talked to her which I do not. I'm wondering what her take on this whole thing is, and am going to call her to go out just out of the curiousity of it all. I am a bit bitter towards my ex but I don't think I really care anymore, spent too much time doing that! I do not owe her anything and feel that I just might hit it off with this woman. Aslong as I keep the subjects off of my ex, I really enjoy talking to this woman. So I guess wish me luck and we'll see how this turns out!!!
To be continued..................

P.S. thank you all for your kind words

Originally posted by Raven Magdalene
These two are friends??? I don't have much regard for a person who calls her/himself a friend when they say behind their friend's back 'don't tell them'. What is up with that bulls@@t? I would never date an ex of a friend, regardless of its depth...she or he is my friend and I respect their feelings. I do believe the world is large enough to find other potential 'mates' then to prey upon a friends ex.


I wouldn't mind if a friend dated my ex. I mean its over between my ex and I or he wouldn't be my ex. I don't have some invisible eternal bond on him that somehow attaches to me forever. He is free as am I.

I do agree with the "don't tell" as being a bit shady. Maybe just for the first meeting. After that, don't tell would be wrong.

You kind of wonder what kind of friend is she. I could never get involve with my friend's ex, I don't care how well I get along with him.

And I'm just glad that my taste in men don't run along with what my friend's like.



Paris

Your OW is like any other woman and should know that you are free to date anyone you please. It may be complicated because your new gf is friends with your ex, but I would just let the two of them work it out. And one thing, although I would be discrete until I knew the OW was back on track romantically, I would not go overboard in hiding it. That makes it sound like a USE. With me it's just a reflex reaction: lying/hiding=bad truth=good. When I say discrete (sp?) what I mean is don't do PDA's, especially around her. Taking the most polite public stance is a way to both keep your ex from feeilng that you are just trying to hurt her, and make sure that you are true to yourself and your new gf at the same time.

Originally posted by swanqueen
I wouldn't mind if a friend dated my ex. I mean its over between my ex and I or he wouldn't be my ex. I don't have some invisible eternal bond on him that somehow attaches to me forever. He is free as am I.

I do agree with the "don't tell" as being a bit shady. Maybe just for the first meeting. After that, don't tell would be wrong.

I posted previously on this topic but I just wanted to add that I agree with Swanqueen. I would not mind if a pal dated an ex. I would like the same freedom for myself and why should I deny what I want to another person???
Even when you have feelings for someone when it is over--it is!
Ali

I understand what Swan and Witchy are saying too.. but I guess I was going on a lot of what PDB had said in previous posts as well. He still is not over his ex, and that is apparent to me in some of the other threads he has written in lately. There is some anger and bitterness there, which I can completely understand after the things he describes in his relationship with her, and the yo-yo effect he has gone through. So, though this dating of ex's friends may be ok for some, I think the particulars of this situation need to be looked at. Could be that PDB still needs some recouping time, time to heal. I don't know. Only he knows that. I also tend to think that sometimes the answer is in the question. The mere fact PDB, that you are even asking. "Is this a BAD idea?".. Well, I think the answer is right there. And as you know, that is something only you can decide.

Um ok where do I start? Well I didn't end up going out with her last night. She did mention my ex on the phone which made me cringe, but for some damn reason I called her ( my ex) afterward! Big mistake because she (my ex)hasn't called me back and I'm regressing in my healing! So many unknowns!!! Well as for her dating me, I wonder how much her relationship with my ex means to her, she is the one who initiated this whole thing. I would be uncomfortable if I were to see my ex while I was out with her friend, but for some reason I don't think my ex would give a rats ***! So the confusion continues!! I know I have to move on and forget about any closure, and for some reason aslong as she didn't bring up my ex I think I'd be ok with dating her. At this point I have no idea what is the best remedy for heart break, some say finding someone else and others say taking care of yourself. I start the one then I want the other! So I am going to have to ask what this womens thoughts are!

I know of no cure for a broken heart. If I had one, I would gladly give it to you. Time, patience, forgiveness, and letting go. Those are key elements. And that includes not only forgiving your ex, but forgiving yourself as well. Yes, you need to take care of yourself and heal, or you will carry some of your hurt, and bitterness into your next relationship, and keep having the same relationship but with different people. Find something of value to be learned here.. take that with you. This does not happen over night.. you have to have patience with yourself.

Finding someone else right away, to me is a temporary band-aid, and does not allow time for self-reflection. And though it may ease the pain and help move you forward in your healing, the rebound person is usually just that.. rebound. I know, I have been that "in-between" woman.. you know, the one you see after your heart has been broken, and so you are unable to give of yourself. I suppose I served a purpose, and helped another person to move along his path, but ultimately, I felt cheated. and in a way, he cheated himself out of what could have been something good for both of us, all because he had built a wall around his wounded heart.

I suppose everyone is different in their healing process. We just do what we can, and try to think of it as a learning experience.. that each wrong person we are with, each bad relationship, hopefully brings us closer to, and prepares us for the right one.

If you want a ton, go there, if not, don't go there. Is this a get back thing? Or is this a gee, I have always liked this woman? Or is this a let me rub it in her face thing?

Originally posted by babes66
I dont date until I'm sure I'm ready, it might boost your ego, but it wont help your heart..and it might break another persons, if they are ready and you aren't.

Yes, exactly babes66. I've been there. I was the one ready. He was still hurting. It stinks being the rebound chick.

PDB, your ex's friend doesn't sound much like a "friend" at all! :( I certainly wouldn't want to be friends with someone who would do something and not want me to know about it (unless it was like a surprise birthday party or something). Friends don't hide their behavior from friends. This woman must not be a close friend.

If she's just an aquaintance of your ex's, well, maybe dating her wouldn't be out of the question, BUT if your ex called and said, "Are you dating HER???" I think she should be told the truth. You know, it all comes down to: "Treat others as you would have them treat you." Put the shoe on the other foot, right now. Is there a friend of yours who would get along with your ex? How would you feel if they dated? How would you feel if they kept it behind your back, and lied to your face? What if your friend who was seeing your ex, was someone you had always trusted and confided in. What if he was interested in dating your ex because you told him about the great sex? See? It ain't so glamorous when you do a reality check. What if this woman is just interested in you because your ex told her the sex was great? Oh, never mind, I forgot I was talking to a GUY!!! :D Anyway, I think it's more your ex's friend's responsibility to curtail things. If she's any kind of friend at all to your ex, she wouldn't be doing this. There are things friends simply don't do, and dating an ex is one of them (at least not this soon, maybe a year later or something). Could you ever really trust a woman who would betray a friend like this?

It seems logical that this friend has heard a quite a few good things about you PDB from your ex and was just waiting in the wings for her shot at you. Or having observe your love and devotion to your ex, she hoped for the same relationship. Nothing wrong with that.

But I also agree with Babes and Gen...are you ready to pursue a new relationship with the friend considering that the mention of your ex makes you cringe. Maybe being friends with the friend is beneficial right now, until you're sure that starting a new relationship with such close ties to your ex, will benefit both of you. After all, you're what's important here, not the friend, not the ex...but you.

Maybe a trip somewhere, some TLC for yourself can put you in a better state of mind to anaylze every angle of this situation and decide if its worth it to you. Do you have a close friend you can share your thoughts with, sometimes bouncing it off the wall with another helps to break it down to something you can accept and deal with. It seems like you're in this transition mode and you're trying to find a way to smooth thoughts out for youself and try to find some level ground to pursue a new relationship.

Paris

Well I met up with her and some other friends on saturday and had a great time. Monday night came and the phone rang. It was my ex saying that her friend just called and asked if it was alright for her to be friends with me. She asked me if I planned on dating her and I said no because she does remind me of you. So everything is cool on the friends side and we are going out this saturday again. Although I don't think I want to date her, I'm not ruling anything out.

Hmmm.... when was the last time your ex talked to you before that? I find it interesting that she call you now, after you have spent time with her friend. I dunno... it's just me I guess, but I'd not go there, and not look back either.

What tangled webs we weave.

First let me say that PDB does sound troubled by it all. He questioned himself about revenge on his ex by going out with pal on this thread. Perhaps that should be a pointer to us all.

BUT: there is great discussion going on here about setting boundaries in our personal lives. How much do we want to violate, or be violated, in our personal lives in romance. Okay, so I've stated my beliefs and won't repeat them. I think everyone is entitled to what they believe.

BUT DO YOU THINK IT HASN'T happened to you? I'm guessing that probably two out of three of us have had a pal date one of our currents or ex's behind our backs. And I believe that this is the majority behavior, not the minority in certain age groups. Also some groups are notorious for promiscuous behavior. So what do you do with that?

I don't know if it's ever happened to me, and honestly, I wouldn't care. I think because for me, in both of the major relationships I've had, I was the one to leave each relationship. Both lasted years, and it took a lot of emotional, mental, and even some physical abuse for me to finally up and leave. I think that after someone has done all they think they can do in those situations to make the relationship work, and then to no avail.. well, once I finally decided to close the door, it was firmly closed. Yes, it hurt, but I never looked back, and got on with my life, made a new life, with new friends. In fact, I pity the poor women who ever decide to date either of those two exes. Best of luck to them. I just feel like, once I'm done, I'm done.. I don't go backwards.

I can't see caring who dates my ex

I guess the only drawback would be if my ex was a real louse and I had to constantly see my ex at social functions because he was with his new girlfriend, my friend.

Depending on how close my friend and I were. I may distance myself from her just so I didn't have to see my ex.

But in the case of my ex2 and ex3 they were very nice guys and I might like seeing them happily with someone. Just not me.

EDIT: ok just thought of something it also depends a LOT on who broke up with who. If I loved him and he broke up with me then my friends are NOT allowed to date him. Just thought of that.

Originally posted by Joe
http://home.zonnet.nl/forum_spam/misc/hitit/images/0620.jpg
exactly what he said.:D