Comfort Zone

My ym happens to be something of a genius....well you will have to take my word for this but academically hes something of a star, degrees coming out of his ears etc etc He is also possibly one of the laziest people you may ever meet.

I am a pretty chilled out kind of person so til now I have never really cared if he worked or not cus I got the house, car, job that I enjoy blah blah.... enough to support the two of us quite nicely thank you. But I got to thinking, a weakness of mine ... this gives him a comfort zone to be allowed to under achieve that he wouldnt have with someone in a similar "starting out" position to himself. this must make our relationship bad for him, and in a sense "abnormal". What a waste that is of his ability! I mean its not like he takes money from me day to day.......his parents, horrified at the thought of him being supported by an older woman sort that one out, not an answer though! And Im starting to think that this "laissez faire" attitude of mine is a little unhealthy for him. Its not that I mind about the money - I mind that I am giving him the opportunity to not fulfil his potential and he, being lazy, is more than happy to take this.

Well this has now been the status quo for the length of our relationship, well a year of it since he finished studying, so how can I now motivate him to go out and fulfill himself WITHOUT him thinking I suddenly changed over night????? Any ideas??

How old is he, Mina?

Does he have ambitions? What is his field?

As for your question, unfortunately I don't know the answer, I would have to know you two better to be able to think about just how far you can go to tell him he must do something of his life.

Originally posted by Mina
But I got to thinking, a weakness of mine ... this gives him a comfort zone to be allowed to under achieve that he wouldnt have with someone in a similar "starting out" position to himself. this must make our relationship bad for him, and in a sense "abnormal". And Im starting to think that this "laissez faire" attitude of mine is a little unhealthy for him.


If you really are unhappy with the way he is living his life, then just tell him straight up, you aren't doing anything worthwhile, and you're gonna have to get off your butt and go do something. If he doesn't respond, then you either live with it or tell him to hit the bricks.

You'll either solve the problem, or free yourself up to find another one, so either way, you win.

Sail

red flag!!!!in my personal this means that one will settle for not taking chances-thus causing resentment.
chris

I want to tell you that this is a nitemare scenario for any ym/ow relationship! And it confirms what I have been reading here--too often ow put up with things they would never allow a man their own age to do. Why should a ym be allowed to get away with things that someone your own age or older wouldn't? Does that mean that we are playing out a caretaking scenario? I don't think that is good for anyone! If you want to take care of someone visit an orphanage or an old folks home. I don't want to take charge of someone else's happiness. Even having to tell your ym to get off his butt and go to work puts you in that spot.
I'd tell this guy exactly what you told the people here but be ready for him to run. I mean it. I may be wrong but I smell a large rat.

It is unfortunate that while a OM/YW relationship, the OM is more established and able to support a YW and family, it doesn't work well, when its the other way around. Unless they are young children at home, then i don't see what difference does it make if he/she is at home.

For the most part we expect women to stay home and be nurtures, but with YM is a whole different kettle of fish. We expect them to still be productive members of society. Especially now that he's finish school.

You're going to have to fall out of this "laissez faire" attitude and demonstrate a bit more of a "democratic" attitude. Sit down at the table and make some concrete plans for your future or you'll end up bitter and disgusted with his laid back attitude and that will be the end of it all. Give him options and a timetable and stick with it. As long as he knows he has a good foothold on your emotions, is comfortable in knowing you're not going to do anything about it, he'll continue to live his life as if he were at home with mommy and daddy.

So which are you, his equal SO, or Ms. Sap of the Year.

Paris

Mina, have you ever asked him why he is with you? I have asked mine(again last night as a matter of fact after a disagreement we had) Sometimes I can't figure it out really.

I am not financially able to help him but I think I am his comfort zone. And for some reason I spend a lot ot time thinking of the things I will say to him and never do it until things boil over, and then still not to the extent that I had intended.

Sometimes Idon't get it, but I do know that I don't want to be used as anything. Unfortunately sometimes I think I am using him.

When I asked him last night about this he said, "because I love you" - easy answer, but then later he said "I don't want to be alone." same with me. Who's using who?

You need to talk to him. I don't think it sounds healthy Mina, for you or him. But I can certainly understand it.

so how can I now motivate him to go out and fulfill himself WITHOUT him thinking I suddenly changed over night????? Any ideas??

That's how I feel too. Letting things continue on status-quo and not addressing the issues may come as a shock to him, but to you it's not a new problem. One thing that scares me, so I remain quiet when I should speak-out, is being perceived as an old nag! That's where the ow/ym thing sucks. My bf has a drinking problem. I don't want to be his mother for pity sakes. But, I don't want to lose him either!

Maybe how you solve your problem will help me out!

I am a little confused about your situation. What are your ages? How did you meet? Do you live together full-time? If so, for how long and, if he is at home all day, does he do all the housework, cooking and shopping? What does he do all day if he is not working and hasn't assumed the domestic responsibilities? Was he still in school when you met? What were his plans for the future when you met? What kind of degree did he get and what did he major in?

Motivation is personal drive and ambition. It comes from within. It has nothing to do with how smart a person is whatsoever.

You cannot give another person motivation. You can give them ultimatums to change, get a job, or whatever.

The book has not been written on how to change someone else or save them from themselves. It will never be written.

If a woman supports a YM while he is "getting on his feet" and there is a long term commitment, one could reasonably argue that he would support her when she decides to retire. It's supposed to be a partnership and that reciprocity reflects the value to each person of your relationship.

Otherwise, I would personally be concerned that he is using me for sex, money, whatever. I can't deal with lazy people, women or men.

My best friend was in your situation not so long ago. Her guy was totally bright but not living up to his potential. Eventually she just sat down with him and told him that she expected him to contribute equally to the relationship. That did not mean that he had to earn as much or more than her, but that he had to work towards a goal, get a job, go for another degree, or do something productive with his life. She told him that in order for her to continue living with him, she had to respect him and his decisions and that that respect was slowly deteriorating as he was just sitting there, doing much less than he could. She reminded him that she loved him, that she wanted him to be part of her life, but she hated seeing him waste what he had been given. And it was making her mad that she was putting so much into her own life and he wasn't doing jack. She was willing to have him walk, as she knew she would be okay. And if he wasn't willing to listen, then he wasn't the guy for her. And honestly...he was waiting for this to come and was surprised she hadn't done it earlier. I'm guessing it won't be that much of a surprise and you can even say - I felt horrid saying this, but it's slowly begun to eat at me and I have to tell you the truth as that is important to me.

Good luck!

Mina -

Am I nuts or wasn't your guy serving in the foreign service just a little while ago?

"We are together over 3 years - god thats a lie - its 2 and half... and since end of feb he has been doing national service overseas".

If he just got back a few weeks ago from being overseas for several months, then I suspect you're being a bit hard on him.

Do communicate about what the future will hold for the two of you, but I would give him some time to undergo a transition.

It isn't really "underachieving" not to have secured a briliant job less than a month after arrival.