Why do I do this to myself????

I've noticed a bad pattern of myself.

I enjoy writing. But, occasionally, I grow "close" to ones. That in of itself is great, PROBLEM, they are SPOKEN FOR.

(I'll protect the innocent)

I'm not a jerk to dare interfere in their relationships...but,



AW, SCREW IT..

I guess I'll have to break the pattern on my own.:(

babes66 this is a quasi reality is it not as we can all be fooled by what we may want to see and belive in as in this realm though generaly honest,,relies on the fact that we can be and whome we chose as we can believe????or be an image and words on a screen,,,,interesting call?????as we have the choice as not to hear the words of another or feel thier tears or skin
interesting call???as it can become real or an illusion.
chris

ok thank you for clairifying that as i do agree with you a 100% i do realize at times it can be a pattern as he has said. and i doo agree one must look at ones self to determine that.if this is fact a pattern one must look at is as a set up for ones demise.but as you have stated as i am real and honest here as i tend to believe in the truth of ones soul i tend to belive in honesty.as i have posted on my reality at my musicians site as i am very much the same person here as i am thier as an analogy as to prove that exact point.so thank you for pointing this out in its light.
be cool.
chris

Awwww Haunted...this actually is a very good question, because this is not the first time I have seen you make a post of this nature. It may be as Babes said...you are attracted to women who are taken for some reason subconsciously. There are a lot of very common reasons for that...i.e. fear of rejection, fear of comittment, fear of getting too close to someone and leaving yourself open to being hurt...Im sure there are a slew of other reasons....

We all have our issues, and we all have our baggage, and it's nothing to be ashamed of. But the important thing is to figure out why we repeat these self-destructive patterns, and to learn to break the cycle. *hugs* I sure hope things get better for ya, hon. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers...

joahannalee::::let me ask you a question??are the odds agenst us as a whole as we have that common demonitor of the age gap??society in general lookes at this more than a racial issue between people,but i will not go thier as i have to deal with the fact of both.but i feel that you have given haunted some great support and feedback in this matter as your insight to the cause rather than the effect is what you posted.if one does not love themselves how are they to love another without becomming emeshed.???baggage we all have as i know this well.but one has to see if this is repitive??does one have the right to torment thier soul,as he ask us for support on this matter.as i am in the similiar situation,,,,,,>but i put the odds in my favor,as for me in mutual concent of the other party it may prevail.
who knows????reality is in the eyes of the beholder.
i respect haunted for taking the risk as he has done it well and with style.but in this matter i feel it may be a black and white issue as it is a double edged sward.
chris

raven the only reason i posted on this is to prove a point.one must have to look at reality for what it is????god knows i have suffered due to my harts decisions but am i willing to take the chance again???who knows only time will tell as you have taught me a great lesson on that fact??why as we have discussed???reality versus illusion and at 2 am what is real??ya know???
stilll suffering from insomnia as i have still yet to sleep.
chris

You write to these women, I see nothing wrong in that.

The question is do they tell you upfront that their in a relationship or do they tell you after writing awhile. It may be a pattern or it may just be just a bit of deception on their parts.

If you were to say that even after they tell you they're in a relationship you still fall for them, then yes, that would not only be a pattern, but a self destructing one at worst.

But if they don't tell you that they are in a relationship from the get go...how is that a pattern, unless you read minds or read tea leaves, you wouldn't know what their intentions are. After all, you are only accountable for your reaction to the information given.

Just wondered which is it? Please clarify.

Paris

The bottom line is, you have to be very careful online. I've chatted with men who have sent me pictures that were not them, men who after I've chatted with once and very casually, friendly-like, were soon calling me honey, and darling, and babe.. and talking about some kind of non-existent relationship, and wanting to meet me, and seemed clingy and/or desperate.. that is scary/creepy to me, and no, I did not give out any signals or mislead. I've chatted with men who told me they were married, looking for some action.. those conversations were ended swiftly. Some people build up an illusion too quickly of what the person on the other end of the computer screen is like.

Email, chat, etc. is just that! No more, no less. Can you develop feelings for someone online? Yes. But not without some length of time spent talking to someone.. and even then, things may or may not work out. Never assume anything. People online present what they want you to see. That is all you know of them. You don't know what they are like when they are not in front of the computer, unless you have spent more time with them. I am finding that people just don't seem to want to take the time and put in the effort it takes to make a friendship grow into a loving relationship. They want the quick fix. This has been my experience with online dating especially, and unfortunately, what I have been finding of late. Sometimes it's hard to keep it real in a virtual world.

Babes, I don't go into chatrooms. Sometimes they will see you have a yahoo profile, or a homepage and write to you, or message you out of the blue. I sometimes have a block on aol, or go invisible on yahoo. Seriously, I think some men should try disguising themselves as women online, just to see what crawls out of the woodwork and onto your computer screen.. the things some men will say to women they don't know might surprise them. Don't get me wrong, you can find some really great chat buddies, but there are a lot of creepy guys out there too.. lol

I have been very fortunate with the men I have met online. Each one turned out to be in real life exactly as they seemed to be online.

I agree that it's best to start as friends, but feel that's true no matter how you meet the person. I think that the best relationships start that way because you need to have the basic trust and respect you gain from being friends first.

That's exactly what happened between Remi and me, so I'm hoping that will definitely be a plus for us when we do meet in person.

But, for anyone who is wanting to meet someone that they've chatted with online, I highly recommend seeing them on a webcam first while you chat with them. That way you can see exactly who you are talking to before you meet them.

Back to your question, Haunted... I don't really know why you do it, but at least you are recognizing on your own that it's a pattern that you should work on in order to keep from getting hurt.

Maybe it's like me in the past choosing men who were unavailable emotionally. I figured out that I was picking men who were just like my father who never gave me the time of day. I work very hard to make sure I am no longer picking those kind of men and I have observed that I have much more self confidence and self respect when I make wise choices for myself.

Haunted,

You seem like a real sweetie! I am pretty sure that you know the answer to this problem already. Sometimes we throw things out there, knowing all the facts and everything, and just hope someone can come up with a better conclusion!

Let's face it Haunted, you're not alone! I think everyone that is tapping away at their keyboards, reaching out to other REAL HUMAN BEINGS that they may not have access to in their real life, is NEEDY -like you!. As a matter of fact I would like to change the title by my avatar to "needy biach" I can't type the real word there because it would get censored, but it rhymes with witch.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You'll find love and happiness and it may be right here. But try to be more selective. You are better than that and don't deserve to be used to stroke someone's ego!

You already said it honey,
"I guess I'll have to break the pattern on my own." - Break it, but don't throw the baby out with the bath water!

Originally posted by babes66
So...who has a web cam???:D


I do. But, Remi has to find a computer in the internet cafes that have a cam. He used to have his own computer until it got stolen by his stepfather, but even prior to that, he did not have his own cam. But, it was the magical power of the cam that enabled me to first see his face and fall under his mystical powers. :p

Originally posted by Raven Magdalene
I am learning to do this, WhiteRose....slowly. Trying to break loose of the emotional abuse of my past/fomer days. Try to recognize the pattern/cycle and break free of it. I admire you for achieving success in this area of your life. How did you do it, may I ask?

Lots of years of self-examination. I was married for several years to a man who has PTSD. I spent alot of time during that marriage learning about my own co-dependency. I also joined a support group for spouses of those who have PTSD. That really opened my eyes... I learned how my own behaviors were contributing to the cycle of him coming and going from my life.

I started learning more and more about myself and the fact that I was continuously picking men who, like my father, were not available to me emotionally.

I also spent about 5 years alone after my divorce. With many years to think about what I want for myself. I have decided that I am tired of not getting the kind of guy I deserve. So, I am making a concerted effort to learn from my past choices so I don't repeat the same mistakes again.

When I am now presented with my options in men, I am taking my time to carefully decide what I want, rather than rushing into the situation like I used to. Over the summer I had the option of being in a relationship with a very controlling man who just wasn't there for me emotionally. He had a hard time dealing with his feelings for me. Just like my ex-husband. I set firm limits with him and even though we parted ways, it was a good thing for us both.

Is everything perfect in my life? No. Not by a long shot. But, I continue to try to use each experience as a lesson to be learned.

Originally posted by babes66
I had a thought, doesnt yahoo messenger have a conference thingy so that lots of people can chat?
We could all chat with our cams on and actually see each other while we talked!

Yes, it does have that feature. I've never tried it with my cam, but it'd be fun to try it.

haunting i have to be honest with you????i have made an effort to push buttons and raise havok on this thread as i feel what you go through as i DO understand to hide my own insecurities as it was what what you stated that put me in the position i am in.i dont go thier as you have to face many responsibilities??????.the break up of anothers love for self gain????the emotional trauma of the unknown. the fact that nothing may be forever unless one lives within the flesh of another.i apologize for my being insensitive and counter poasting you to gain information on my own personal matter.as in my case it will have re procussions.i know this as fact-.due to this i dont sleep,dont eat,dont live in linear reality as the one -the other lives so far away-as i have stated its up to the individule on what reality is????in my case what i am doing broke all the rules as far as my beliefs>that is a hell of a price to pay as in my case as its for keeps,,,,>
sorry bro
chris

right??????

Originally posted by blondie


Someone on this site said either raising children or having a partner is like making pancakes, cause you burn the first two and the third one comes out perfectly. :D
LOL Blondie, my 1st pancake never turnes out right until the grease is hot!! The 2nd or 3rd does, but the pancake thing made me giggle so much thinking about Nafadda and how she laughed so much at this pic....
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/forumfun/misc15.jpg

Originally posted by Raven Magdalene
White Rose, thank you for taking the time to share, I hope I can chat with you some time in case I need a good boot in the butt. OK?

Of course! PM me anytime. And, sometimes I am likely to need a reality check as well. I have friends that I go to and "run things by them" to hear their viewpoint so I can gain a fresh perspective.

Originally posted by chris
i know this as fact-.due to this i dont sleep,dont eat,dont live in linear reality as the one -the other lives so far away-as i have stated its up to the individule on what reality is????in my case what i am doing broke all the rules as far as my beliefs>that is a hell of a price to pay as in my case as its for keeps,,,,>
sorry bro
chris

While I agree that it is not "honorable" to come between a couple and break it up... I also feel that if the couple were meant to be together you could not have done that.

I just watched Captain Corelli's Mandolin last night. If you know the movie, an Italian officer falls in love with an engaged woman who is waiting for her fiance, who is off fighting the Italians. She breaks her engagement for him. Perhaps when someone is successful at breaking up a couple, the couple should not have been together.

That being said a person in that situation has to look deeply at him/herself and the "disloyal" person who they managed to seduce away and think clearly about their character. If it is simply that your love is stronger than theirs (especially if the couple had not actually even become engaged) then perhaps it was just fate stepping in to stop somthing that should not happen.

As for haunted.... I believe the people who have posted have hit most of the nails on the head. I might add. Haunted, do you enjoy pain in some way? Does it validate your feelings of not being worthy? Like.. see... I knew I would never have anyone... now I've proven it again.

Personally... I would not go near anyone who was even remotely attached. Because I want someone of my own. And I don't want drama.

Not sure I am folowing you totally. Maybe you have beared your soul here earlier.

"....????in my case what i am doing broke all the rules as far as my beliefs>that is a hell of a price to pay as in my case as its for keeps.."

What is "for keeps" here Chris? Are you talking about the relationship, or the hurt you may have caused? I know how hard it is to make that kind of unrepairable hurt go away when there are no ammends to be made. It doesn't go away. It bounces back into your reality all the time.

at least it sure does with me.

hugs

I love it. I just fricking love it.

What can I say?

Not much. Except I just gotta love it.

Suzan

What do you love? Here's what I love - your profileand your sig.
So that's what freedom is. So much for Freebird.

I don't know about your pattern, i've not been here long enough. And there are some very wise points made to you on this thread.

I guess I see it as some very wonderful people are already married. I have some fabulous guy friends who are married and would be wonderful lovers or partners. I couldn't turn their heads if I tried because they are so in love with their wives. And I wouldn't, because I admire and respect their relationships because the partners have worked on them.

My feeling is that you can rarely "steal" someone from somebody else. I can only be "stolen" if my husband or bf and I have not worked on our relationship, or we have issues, etc. If our relationship is rock solid, I wouldn't be talking to you now, would I? I'd be having a great time with him IRL.

Do I recommend you pursue married women. Absolutely not! But these married women you are talking to have issues with their relationships, and for better or worse you are becoming some kind of emotional support for them I would guess.

You deserve better, I believe.