Just to let everyone know...and a question.

I'm relatively new to the board, and I've dated two ym. I just wanted to say that I appreciate everyone being here for terrific advice, both through the bb and the pm. I'm currently in the single and looking status. I wanted to ask a question of anyone and everyone: what do you think about dating more than one person at a time? Perhaps some could share their good/bad/neutral experiences?
Witchy

You know, Witchy. This is exactly what I said I was going to do when I started dating again. I did not want to settle down into any type of commitment. I wanted the opportunity to explore all my options carefully before heading back into another serious relationship. I wanted to make sure I took my time and get to know various guys before I chose one that I wanted a long-term relationship with.

However, I found out immediately that I did not feel comfortable seeing more than one guy at once. There were several reasons, but probably the main reason is that I found that I liked two different guys very well and was afraid that I was ultimately going to have to choose between them. I didn't like being in that situation because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. And I was also afraid of making the wrong choice! All the while, I kept both of them informed about my situation, but I still felt very guilty.

I am a one man woman. I don't think I'll ever try dating different guys at once again. One at a time for me will do. That's just me, just how I am.

As to dating more than one at a time, it doesn't do it for me, but if all people involved are fine with it, I see nothing wrong with it.

I think the main thing is being honest and making sure everyone is on the same page with it. We had quite a spirited conversation in chat about this very subject last night.

Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with dating more than one guy, but I consider dating going to the movies, dinner, out for a couple drinks, going places and doing things, but not having sex. That's what I consider dating. I think once you are ready to have sex with someone (and I think it should be someone you are having deep feelings for) that your dating relationship should become exclusive at that point. I think when women start having sex with more than one man, as well as telling HIM they're having sex with more than one man, it cheapens the woman in his eyes and dampens the chances for feelings on either side to grow and deepen. I think it inhibits trust too. Both parties are so focused on keeping it casual while they explore other options, that they become too emotionally detached from everyone involved.

I don't think that dating more that one person is always a problem, and in some circumstances can actually be a good thing; I'd even advise it for someone fresh out of a bad long-term relationship. Polly makes a very good point though; when a relationship becomes sexual, that marks a fundamental change in it's nature. From that point forward, the intensity of the feelings -- and therefore the potential for feeling rejection and insecurity -- grows exponentially. For myself, I've always felt a great honor to be chosen as someone's lover...to find out later that it was an appointment to committee rather than an exclusive position would be very painful.

You know, I have never had any luck with this whatsoever. Even casually dating...if I see more than one man at a time, they always seem to have jealousy issues! I find jealousy so extremely unattractive....its just almost an instant turn off.

I have never romantically dated more than one person at a time, so I can't give any advice on that situation. I find once I develop feelings for someone, it's just a waste of time for me to even trying looking elsewhere. I guess Im basically a one-man woman....

Never been good in juggling men. Never will be, I just dont' think it fair to the men. I do go out with alot of ym, but they know its just friendship, 3 of them are gay...lol, and believe it or not, even with that, they are jealous of each other as they know each other.

But with straight guys, as joannaless says, once I develop feelings for one, its hard for me to date others. I don't see anything wrong in dating. Dating is a way we find out what qualities and attributes we're looking for in others, isn't it, so when we're ready to settle for Flint, you'll know he sets your heart on fire.

Paris

I personally have never dated more than one at a time. It wouldn't work for me. I am the type to have few (very close) friendships, and only see one guy at a time. And sex.... forget that! I never have one-night stands, let alone sleep with more than one guy at a time.

I would feel AWFUL.

it seems that most are against dating more than one guy at a time. I have not done that yet. But if the opportunity is there I may. When there is some romantic attachment there is always the opportunity for jealousy and hurt, but I feel that an open relationship is possible, it's just that the people involved in it have to be committed to keeping it that way. And I admit I don't see many social supports in our society for keeping our relationships so open. We view the ability to be involved with more than one person with jealousy and can be enraged when someone suggests that it may be possible to do differently. But remember that while our society professes monogamy, in effect at best we could be called serial monogamists, and that many other cultures view marriage and the family and dating differently. Thank you for sharing your opinions and stories I look forward to listening to more.

Hi Witchy,

I suppose it's different for everyone, but I've lived this. I was with an OW that I loved very much, though she was also seeing someone else. At first it went well, no jealousy, as we knew from the start our story would have no tomorrow, that we were just having fun together. I don't know what you mean by dating. In my case it was more than dating. We used to be very intimate, make love, etc.

It was okay for a while, but soon enough it started to hurt. This relationship brought me happiness that was as strong as the despair once I had to leave and know that she was seeing another man.

I say be careful, very careful...oh sure, you will say, we make sure no commitment is made, and we keep it that way. I say forget it, because the heart is stronger than all the laws and all the theories. You can hardly keep yourself from loving somebody you're dating, someone with whom you're intimate. Honesty is a good start, but I believe a choice must be made. Maybe this is old fashioned of me, but the wounds I have remind me that it's a very dangerous game to play, not only for your lovers but also for yourself. Even if you consider yourself open minded (which I'm sure you are), and that the ones you're dating are too, there's a real danger of getting hurt in the not so long run.

Best of luck...

Cryptic

I would recommend not limiting yourself to going out with just one person, when you have just started seeing them. For the first few "dates" there is no committment that there is ever going to be anohter date. If one of you still has to call the other to invite them out, then you are not in anything deserving of exclusivity.

It is a good idea because although you can express interest, you don't committ all you efforts to one person. The idea is to let them know you are interested in another date, but not in starting to discuss your future.

After you have gone on a date with someone a few times, you'll know if you want it to go further. If you are seeing more than one person, than usually you will realize that you do not want to continue with any but one.

For most people, once you are intimate, exclusivity is presumed.

When I was younger, my parents had a Leave to Beaver home. No one cheated, and my folks led me to believe that my prince charming would come along. I went off to college having dated only one male. Dated a bit, not much, and married the first guy that paid me a ton of attention. Why? Because back in the day, you became exclusive first and asked questions later. How dumb that was! "It was very naive, very unrealistic...the commit now, ask questions-later-approach to dating is epidemic...it may seem an ethical choice, sinse it arises from a sense of obligation to others, but it's misguided . Our exclusive attention is something we owe only when someone has EARNED it. On this , we're obliged to only ourselves." (Washington Post) In other words, let men PROVE themselves. I sort of like the European approach, don't ask, and don't tell. Two people will know when they both want to be exclusive. Enjoy dating, Witchy. Let a man prove himself and earn your trust. Let him want you more than you want him. Hadley

Originally posted by HadleyManassas
Let him want you more than you want him. Hadley

But Hadley, we guys say "let her want you more than you want her".

:confused: :confused: :confused:

;)

Originally posted by Lost_Spoiled


Do you think that is really true? As I think about that statement I can see that on the surface that might be true... but when I watch those around me I am surprised by how many "alternative" attitudes and behaviors there are out there.



From my experience, if you are sleeping together, exlcusivitiy is presumed unless otherwise agreed. For me, I wouldn't agree. The idea of multiple partners sounds nice. The freedom of being polyamourous soudns easy to deal with as a concept, but not when you consider the emotions involved. What do you do when you are having multiple flings and your partner sits at home on the night you enjoy one. If you don't care maybe you aren't a partner. Some may be able to deal with it. I can't. If she can, then she's not for me. Hopefully, I don't try to kill everyone involved, if I find out otherwise.

I do internet dating. And I date more than one guy at a time. But I usually only do it for a short time. I tend to date exclusively after one month or so of dating, which basically means that I've gone out with the guy about 6 times...so, many of my "dating at the same time" dates are with guys I've only gone out with once or twice. With online dating it's hard to not do it. And you might miss out on a good guy while going out 3 times with someone who turns out to not work. Example...went out to coffee for a first date tonight. Going out to dinner on a second date tomorrow. Might work, might not. But I'm not putting all my energy into one guy and can actually have my head be part of the dating thing...not just my heart. I think I make better dating decisions that way. So...I have no problems with it.

But...I can't be doing more than kissing with more than one guy at a time. Nope.

And if I met a guy who rocked my world and I rocked his and he asked me to only date him even after the first or second date...I'd do it. Have in the past and would do it again.

Onetiger and I were doing the same thing. The online match dating thing and for about a month now I have dated as many as three men in the same week. One, two or three times. But since I met them on an online match thing it was assumed that they were also doing the same thing. Until last Wednesday... then everything changed.

Well I believe I am now in a committed relationship (read between the lines here) and before it was "committed" I let him know that I expected him to stop dating the other online people and he agreed.

So now I have to email about 10 guys and tell them that they don't get a chance to experience my fineness.

Poor guys.

So in answer to the original question. I loved dating several men at once, because then if I didn't like them then I had someone else in the wings to go on to. I agree with the other posters, when it becomes intimate. Then there is only one. Gads I don't have enough time to develop a relationship with more than one. I mean I have to go to work, school and raise my son. All of which have suffered while I was a Multi-dater.

As long as it is understood and there is no physical intimacy, dating several men at once is a very very very good thing.

Originally posted by swanqueen
Well I believe I am now in a committed relationship (read between the lines here) and before it was "committed" I let him know that I expected him to stop dating the other online people and he agreed.


Congratulations Swan! If anyone deserves a good break, it's you. I'm glad to hear it!

Originally posted by Lost_Spoiled
SwanQueen... I have never done the online dating thing. What does that mean you asked him to "stop dating" other online people?
Does that mean you told him to stop emailing other women that had expressed an interest in him? I'm curious what that means.

Thanks!

Yes we both have answered the emails we get with ... Well I met someone. I will wait a little while before I see if he has canceled his account. I haven't yet so ... well I can't DEMAND he does. Mostly I just expect him not to go and meet someone. And I won't either. It's a trust thing. He seems trustworthy. I could be wrong, wouldn't be the first time. But I believe him.

I, also, would not expect him to go to meet with anyone....Why continue seaching when you have something good developing that deserves your time and attention?

I have never done the online match things....but if I did, and I met someone special, I would expect we would both answer inquires the same as you have.

And...congratulations Swan. He's a lucky man. *smiles*

You know, when I was growing up, everyone just dated. Then they met the right guy or gal, and "went with him" exclusively. I don't see where anything is really different now. When I started dating after I lost my husband, I did the internet thing too. Had high hopes with each date and NEVER found one I would go out with 2 times! (how do you replace someone)

But when you meet the right one it should be exclusive. I am just covering ground you all have covered.

I think Cryptic put it well -I say forget it, because the heart is stronger than all the laws and all the theories.

As Whisper said - a lot of people(ALL guys that I am aware of)
seem to think that cheating is okay. It's a way to have their cake and eat it too. I asked one of the guys I was talking to about this, about how he would react if he found out his wife had the same attitude and he caught her going-out on him - he said "I'd kick her ****ty butt(***) out! Girls are always ****s, buts it's okay for guys! grrrr......

Innocent flirting? That's different to me. I could be wrong about that. I see my bf flirt all the time and I don't get too upset. Do you?

There's no law that says you have to be committed to everyone you date. You don't buy the first thing you see at the store. Enjoy the plethora of wonderful men out there until you KNOW! That's how it works!

I can barely balance my checkbook let alone two men at once!

I have no idea why this posted twice but what the hey. . .

I think I have a language problem here. Do you mean dating like in being romantically interested in a guy and thinking it might turn into something more serious?

Well, maybe it's me, but I wouldn't like that guy to keep trying his chances with other women, while he's still thinking of meeting me again. I think he could spare some weeks with me before going to the next? I'm a jealous beast, I know...:p

I find that dating more than one woman at once makes me take he beginnings of relationships slower. I can go get busy with you when I have a date with someone else tomorrow. It's not that you are moving on from one woman to the other, more as if you are still looking in the showroom before you take one of the cars out for a drive. When you decide to narrow it down to one woman or man, that relationship takes on a different dimension. It also keeps you from rushing into something with someone to find it is short-lived and not what you are looking for.

One should not leap into something unless they have a pretty sure footing that both parties are reading from the same page. People come in packages. Sometimes you think you like a packaging and then it turns out that it is just not for you. I have noticed that today because of all the various ways to date (net, ads, telephone ads, etc not to mention clubs and work) that people sometimes assume the wrong thing. For example, with some guys, if you have 3 dates with them, they assume you are exclusive when you may just be trying to decide just how you feel. By the 3rd date, you will know if you want to continue to see them. Usually if I can't handle a guy's personality, it never makes it to the 3rd date. Honesty is always a good policy as Ben Franklin said. A woman should never hesitate to ask a guy whom she is intimate with what their status is: boyfriend/girlfriend, hidden lovers, or just convenient friends with benefits...and the guy should level with her. If she doesn't like what she hears, she should leave the scene. Happiness is very important in life. If you are getting hurt, then vacate. Hadley