Something's wrotten in the state of Rhad...

I haven't been in here much for a while, so I thought I'd drop in and leave an update. Mostly, this is for good reason. I got a transfer at work, which means that I'm actually busy there, so I don't have time to kill surfing the web anymore. By and large, this is a good thing - I'm so much happier in my current position. But I do miss the time I used to spend lurking around here.

Things have been going really well with the YW, too. In fact, we've never been closer. Yesterday was our six month "anniversary", a big deal for us, and it seems like every day the bond between us grows stronger. And I can't help but think that if we've made it six months and the fire is still this strong (stronger, even, than when we started), this is going to last for a long time.

Unfortunately, last week we ran into a bit of a stumbling block that hit us both pretty hard. Those who have been around for a while may recall that I posted here a few months ago that the YW's mother and grandfather had come around to our side pretty rapidly - indeed, it almost seemed like she had pushed us together. And she was helping us deal with the YW's father - who was decidedly against us. Our goal became winning over the father, secure in the knowledge that the mother was on our side.

Alas, things have changed. The mother has been having problems for a while. About 14 months ago, her (the mother's) mother and brother died within two weeks of each other, and she's been battling serious depression (go figure) ever since. Unfortunately, her husband (they YW's father) has not been supportive at all. Instead, he's kind of been a dick about the whole thing.

See, the mother's mother (the one who died) had psychologicial problems, and now the father is convinced that his wife is crazy. And the mother's father, the grandfather who is on our side, is an alcoholic (pretty serious one) - so the father also thinks the mother is an alcoholic. He got a checklist online one day, and ran down the list, going "yup, that applies. yup. yup."

Nevermind that 90% of the list also applies to clinical depression. I've mentioned this somewhat before, but now I'm going to add that I'm absolutely convinced the mother is not an alcoholic. And while she is having problems (she's been on medication for depression for years), she's not crazy, either.

Unfortunately, fate seems to be working against her. Her medication hasn't been helping her much for a while, so in th last few weeks, they've started adjusting it. And her husband has been treating her like, well, a crazy woman. And her father is getting really sick (personally, I think he's suffering from a broken heart, having lost his wife and son a year ago - and who can blame him?).

Even worse, she's always been a somewhat submissive personality, so she's let it all get to her, and now she's starting to think of herself as a crazy woman - so she doesn't trust her own judgment anymore. And she's starting to turn against our relationship. It's subtle, so far, but I can see already that it's probably only going to get worse.

It's so damn frustrating, because I've done nothing but help that whole family the entire time I've known them, and I've been a good friend to all of them - and even now, if asked, they'd all tell you that. Even the father would begrudgingly admit it. But they're all against me, it seems.

Worst of all, the father is being such a dick that he's seriously ruining his relationship with the whole family, and the YW is rapidly approaching the point of just not wanting to have anything to do with him anymore - entirely independent of our relationship.

*sigh*

I don't even really know why I posted this. I'm already doing everything I can - namely, being a friend to everybody involved, especially the YW - so I'm not really looking for advice, or even sympathy. I guess I just wanted to get it off my chest and vent a little bit, since I can't really dump this on the YW (I am, after all, trying to help her offload some of this stress). As always, thanks to you guys for listening and just being there.

Rhad, I always enjoy reading your input - you seem such a kind hearted person, so I wanted to simply offer you my support.

I guess all you can do is be loving and compassionate - and I know that's hard - and I also know that that's EXACTLY what you do, anyway.

Sometimes - and this is just a stab in the dark - it's difficult (especially when people are in distress) to NOT get despondent about NOT being able to "make everything okay".

If you're a rational guy, a smart guy - and fairly level emotionally, then encountering situations that are a little fragmented, illogical, and hard to fathom can be a real challenge - just to your own sense of the universe.

If this is the case with you - try and look at yourself objectively in this - stay loving - and see what lessons there are about you and the way you react to certain trauma - about what pushes your buttons.

At least then there's still growth for you amidst the chaos.

Best wishes.
:)

Rhad ... i agree with Spunk....

You are a compassionate person and you can see that in all your posts.... All you can do is what your doing.... Just be there for your YW..... and that's all you can do...I wish i could say more... but I haven't been in this type of situation.. just remember the love you have for your YW and tht's what matters..... Her mother is just confused right now and is totally being controlled by her husband.. It is sad but true.....

Good Luck...Let us know how it works out....

Rhad,

Not much I can add to already great advice given, other than to say that these people are all lucky to know you as a Friend.

You are there trying to be supportive of all involved! Hell even the Father who you know has been a Dick the whole time, I see you sitting back and trying to understand 'his' views so you can try supporting his side of the chaos!

I know it has to be hard to look at the positive side of so much negative. And I know I'm just echoing Spunk and MerA, But Still keep being there and best of luck.

And Congrads on the 6 Months together!!!

Don

Whatta man! To suppor your YW is one thing...but her family too...how could they not let you in? I agree with the words expressed above, and I want you to know that you are a wonderful person, don't ever forget that!!!

Thanks so much to everybody here for your support. You guys are what make this board so great, and I'm glad to count you all as my friends, even though we've never met.

Emcad, how could I not support her family? They're having serious problems and need help, even though they don't always realize it. And they're all basically good people, even the father - he's just kind of forgotten it for a while.

Spunk, you're right, I have a hard time looking at bad situations and coping with the fact that I can't just make everything ok. Maybe I have a hero complex or some BS syndrome like that, I dunno.

The hardest part is dealing with the flip-flop of her mother. She was so open and supportive before, and while she still sort of is, it's become quite obvious that she's really questioning herself in just about everything, including this, and it's all because her husband is belittling her instead of helping her deal with real problems she's having.

*sigh*

The YW's out of town for the weekend, and even though I miss her (after six months we still talk almost every single day, usually for hours at a time), I'm really glad she's able to get away from her family for a few days. I think she needs it. And besides, she took my cell phone with her, so she could call me (nationwide roaming is great!). Anyway, I think the trip will do her good.

I was listening to my sensei at the end of karate last night, and it reminded me of something I should have already known. He was talking about sparring, and how the real key is to break your opponent mentally first, and how once you've done that, you've really one the fight, and it solidified in my mind. Her father's not going to break my spirit, no matter how bad he gets. He can't win that way, because I'm not going to let him.

Don't be another victim of the "Knight in Shining Armor" complex. It can hurt you, and it will likely not make an iota of difference in the lives you're trying to steer. Know when to say when. Between your YW's parents, that's none of your business. If their marriage has gone awry, what can you honestly do from the outside to fix it? You know the answer to that, you're certainly smart enough. It may vex you, but you have but one life to live. Even if you have enough insight for 50 others, that just means there are 50 others who have to come to their own conclusions. PLEASE just leave them alone. Remain available to your YW. Offer your take on her parents, IF she asks. Families are very sore spots though. Don't come off harshly, or you may risk losing her trust. Let it be. As wrongly as you may feel they are acting, just let it be.

Trust me, Datura, I have stayed out of it, other than just being there to talk to anybody who needs it. I know darn good and well that the only thing I could do is just make things worse, so I'm not going to step my foot in there.

I'm just one of those people who really hates having to sit on the sidelines while people are hurting and not do anything about it, especially when they're doing it to themselves and everything could be cured with a little bit of "enlightenment". But with that said, they (especially the father) wouldn't listen to any wisdom that came from me. In fact, he'd probably be hugely mistrustful of it just because of the source, right now. So I'm just keeping my mouth shut.

It just sucks, that's all.

Thank god for computer screens to hide behind, so you can't see how deep a red I am right now... :)

Thank you, Danika.