Need Advice And Insight From Everyone

I found this sight after my relationship with a YM (my first) had ended. Now, low and behold, I've met another YM and again through playing pool on Yahoo! He is 23, Hispanic and lives in Houston. My other YM was 20, Hispanic and lived in CA. I'll be 37 next week... a 14 year age gap!

It's really scary because he has said some of the same things my other YM said, feels the same way about certain things, wants a long-term relationship, eventually marriage, and children. I've heard all this before and got hurt because I believed it. He knows about the other YM and asked how it ended and actually helped clarify some things by giving a "male" perspective on why it may have ended. We talked for over 4 hours last nite! The conversation flowed so easily and he wants to talk every nite for the next couple of weeks to see if there is a possibility of this relationship going anywhere.

To make a long story short, he wants to drive up from Houston to Kansas the weekend of December 13-14. He thinks we can really make something of this and says he has a good feeling about it but agrees that only time will tell.

I'm really not sure about meeting so soon since we just met last nite. Am I just gun shy? Are there too many coincidences that could point to a pattern I'm repeating? I don't want to be hurt again so anything anyone can point out that I may be overlooking would be appreciated, as well as any personal experiences and outcomes are desperately needed.

Thank you all for your input! I know I can trust this group to tell me like it is and help me to work through the relationship. If you want to ask me something specific, please do and I'll tell you.

Thank you all for your input!

TOO SOON!

If this was a casual date to have lunch or something, I might say it's okay, but this doesn't "feel" right to me.
He's in WAY too much of a hurry here!!

In one night you cannot come to the conclusion that a relationship is going to work, no way.
You might be able to think that it is a fine friendship starting up, but NOT a relationship.

You have a trillion red flags facing you and I suggest that you heed each one.
My feelings are that this guy is looking to scam you somehow or he is incredibly insecure and needy.
(You don't need that!)

This close to the holidays, don't ruin it with a meeting gone bad with someone you don't know on the net.
Get that?
Someone you don't know

Tell him no and that you want more time to get to know him by way of the net.

Just my thoughts.....

Yes I agree that its too soon to be talking about a meeting....if you had been talking for a few weeks and then started planning a quick date, a little less scary.
This is too fast, but you can't really know why he wants to go so fast. I'd keep talking to him, and see how it goes. Just be somewhat guarded.
Ask him to chill a bit :D

Thanks, Sage, for confirming what my my gut feeling has been telling me too. It feels like deja vu and I'm not comfortable meeting so soon. Sometimes I just to hear it from someone else that I should follow my instincts. And there are way too many red flags here... I will remain cautious and on alert!

I totally dissagree.

Meet as soon as possible. But if he is coming what are the "arrangements" ? I mean I wouldn't suggest he stay at your house until you have met him.

I don't see red flags. Sorry. I met my guy last Wednesday online. He wanted to meet for coffee that same night. I made him wait til morning and had breakfast.

We have been together every spare minute since then.

I was looking for someone that could rock my world. I met many men at this online dating thing and they seemed "ok". I met this guy and HOLY COW.

Yes it can stilll end, and it can end badly but I say meet as soon as possible. What is wrong with that. Why prolong the online part of it. Cut to the chase.

BTW don't make one man pay for another man's transgressions.

Guess I am in the minority here but FACE to FACE is the only way to know. Why the hesitation?

What are the red flags Sage? You don't believe passion is possible? That some people CLICK?

hhhmmmm . . . I with Swan on this one. It's too soon to be falling for this guy but you really don't get to know someone until you are with them person-to-person. I'd meet him ASAP, but get him a hotel room and not even let him know my address. If he was a stalker, you could be making a big mistake. If he is a decent guy, not jsut out for a weekend of booty, he will udnerstadn your need for a little additional security. If you are out for a weekend of booty and then a relationship, think again.

On another note, Swan you are spending way too much time with this new guy if the relationship is in its beginnnings. Slow down.

Thank you for your concern Captain, but you notice I said every free second, which in my case is not a lot of free seconds.

Originally posted by swanqueen

What are the red flags Sage? You don't believe passion is possible? That some people CLICK?

Well Swan, in most cases, I agree with you.
Get off the comp and meet as soon as you can, especially if you are both located close to one another.

I guess what has me so tentative in regard to this situation is that the guy seems TOO eager for a relationship.
I trust no one.

I guess if they were to chat over the next couple of weeks and TigerLily feels comfortable with where their friendship is heading, it might be ok.

I have questions though.
Where he is going to stay?
I don't think she should allow him to stay at her home.
He should stay in another place and the first date should be in a public setting.

I also take into Tigelily's "gut feeling" on this.
We can't disregard those and the fact that she is even questioning this man's motives, (which is good, we musnt be gullible).

We need to be gaurded when inviting people into our lives from the net.
It's just good sense.

Hi Tigerlily,

I agree with Swan there, I think it would be best to meet him as soon as possible. You have the chance to live close to each other. If you feel a strong connection with him, if you think you love him, and if you have hope things could work out together, the sooner you find out, the better it is. If you decide to wait and to keep hoping, instead of knowing, you might get hurt needlessly in the end. Meeting him as soon as possible will be like hitting the fast forward button. I know sometimes online dreams are safer than reality, but it's important not to let denial and your fears guide you there. I believe a lot of doubts will disappear once you meet him. It doesn't mean this meeting will decide on the rest of your relationship, but at least it will make you see if you're headed in the wrong direction. Anf if not, it will bring you some relief about the concerns you were having about him.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

Cryptic

How I would set up:

- Talk to the guy again. Tell him that you would like to meet him but that it's not going to be an entire weekend thing and that he will have to get a hotel room - you can make some suggestions.

- When he arrives, have him give you a call. Tell him how to get to your first meeting place...for coffee. See how this goes. Don't get into any heavy relationship stuff...just chat, ask questions, figure him out a bit.

- TIf this goes on well and you feel comfortable then tell him you have other stuff going on and that you'll see him at another time. Set up that time and where. I'd go for a meal. If for any reason you feel like it's not working for you, tell him thank you for coming on up, but you don't feel like this is working for you. And then drive to somewhere public. (just in case).

- do this again a few times. Do not make it a weekend long non-stop being with the guy. Pretend like you are dating a guy you met in your town - you'd take some time to be apart and think about stuff. You'd keep it slow. I'd see him for maybe two-three meals or events.

And tell him that at no point this weekend will he be coming to your house or you going to the hotel. He needs to understand that this is for your own protection.

This is what I would do if I felt that I wanted to see a guy right away.

I like OneTiger's plan. The thing that seemed "Too Fast" to me was the "weekend of the 13-14.
Ofcourse if he lived close enough to meet you this afternoon for a cup of coffee, I'd say go for it.
If you can get around the instant spend the weekend together thing, then I agree with Swan and others....why wait.
Good Luck!

Wow! I didn't expect to get this many replies so quickly. I have to get back to work so I will post more later after I've had time to "digest" everyone's input. Maybe I'm really afraid of commitment and thus my alarm goes off at the mere thought of meeting him face to face so soon.

He seems really super nice, gave me his cell phone number, told me why he's living at home again (he wants to save $$ to buy a house of his own) and he is gainfully employed as a cable repair tech. I don't think he's hiding anything and I feel he's being totally honest.

Maybe it is just my fate to meet guys online while I'm playing pool on Yahoo. He just showed up at my table and we started talking. I was standoffish (is that a word?) at first and he would give up. Finally, he asked if he could call me and well I got really nervous about giving the phone number out but took a chance. He called, I had to call him back, and then he called me back.

My gut feeling is being heavily influenced by my fear of getting hurt. I believe OneTiger has the best idea of how to go about this whole thing. I do have children that I have to protect and I certainly don't want him coming to my house. If he's willing to drive 8 hours and stay in a hotel, I think it would be ok. Otherwise, I don't feel I can agree to him coming for a visit.

Also, I am supposed to see him on his webcam tonite so that will tell me a lot. He has already seen my picture and I am sending him a few more. He may change his mind after he receives the others (yes, I suffer from low self-esteem - anybody got any quick fixes for that???).

I want to believe in love and passion and romance.... I want to fall in love and be loved again. And everyone is right to say that I will never know if this can work unless I do meet him. I feel like I'm about to take the first step on a journey of a thousand miles and I'm very afraid of where it will end.

It feels so good to have friends that know and understand the OW/YM relationship. I don't know where I would be without your support and kindness.

Hugs to everyone,

Laurie

There is nothing wrong with meeting as soon as possible -- BUT-- like others are asking, what are the arrangements? ALSO -- how far is he travelling? Oh, I just looked it up on Mapquest: Houston to Kansas City is a 12 hour drive. Wow. That's a long way to go for someone he just met yesterday. Seriously, why the hurry? It almost seems kind of desperate (no offense intended at all). I definitely see red flags all over the place here.

DO NOT let him stay with you, or give him your address. That is, if you agree to see him at all. DO NOT go anywhere alone with him until you know him better.

Hmmm...I live in Houston. I will play private eye and go check him out for you! LOL! I can see it now..he IM's you saying "some weird lady in a trench coat keeps popping up everywhere I am. I think I am being stalked"

I agree with much of onetiger's plan except for a few things.

Telling me we would only be having only coffee after a 700 mile drive would have me stay at home. Telling me I have to stay in a hotel might not and should not. Being able to bail out if he is a pyscho is fine, but otherwise I would expect her to spend more time with me than just over coffee. Dinner and an outing during the day would be in order, provided her kids were taken care of during that time.

Also, making me go back and forth a few times before things go more serious would not go over big. I'd expect that my second or thrid trip woudl involve most of my time being spent with her. He should on no basis meet your kids until you are talking about exchanging vows and jewelry. It's wrong to have people come in and out of a kids life or to show your kids a short term affair. Make sure it is longterm before they see it. And until you are totally comfortable, don't be sharing his hotel bed, where he should still be staying until well after you stay there with him.

tigerlily, him giving you a cellphone number is nothing, look at it as such. Anyone can have multiple cellphones and give you no idea where they even live or who they live with, i.e. him giving you only a cellphone number means there may be a wife, gf or someone else.

I realize a cell phone number is not that important but I have caller ID, privacy manager and all that stuff to protect me from unwanted calls. The cell phone number is, of course, not listed in any directories but it is from the Houston area according to the area code and number...

My daughters are 15 and identical twins. I don't want them to meet anyone until I know it is going somewhere (i.e., jewelry exchanged). They are my number one concern and my biggest fear is that they will be hurt in the process.

Jay has already made it clear that he wants to come up so we can get to know each other in person. Anyone can present themselves in a pleasant light on the phone and computer. I think the face to face meeting is appropriate after we've been talking for a few days. I agree that we need to spend quite a bit of time with together in public settings doing things in my town so we can find out who the other person is in real life. He and I both agree with that.

My 6th sense says he is being honest and open about things. I enjoyed the conversation with him and we are very much in tune as to what we want out of a relationship. He says he hasn't been in a relationship for several months and if he calls me every night, as he says he is going to, is it safe to assume there is no one else? He also told me I could call him anytime I want but he won't be able to call me until after 9pm because that's when he free minutes kick in (I need to check into that based on the carrier).

Keep pushing me toward the truth and forcing to examine things outside my POV. That's what I need and I thank you for the input!

Laurie

Originally posted by Tru
Hmmm...I live in Houston. I will play private eye and go check him out for you! LOL! I can see it now..he IM's you saying "some weird lady in a trench coat keeps popping up everywhere I am. I think I am being stalked"

I may take you up on that offer once I find out where he lives and works! Maybe you can atleast give me some ideas about the neighborhood and part of town that he's in...

TY, Tru!

Laurie

Okay, okay, I guess I am the only naysayer here.
LOL

I still say "proceed with MUCH caution".

I would never want to get in the way of true love.

I do agree with much of what has been posted.
Leave your kids out of it and follow with your head, not ONLY your heart.

Maybe you can ask him for his home address, (unless you already have it), in order to send him a map to your local area.
If he doesn't want to send - RED FLAG!

I wish you the best!!

Tigerlily, please allow me to jump in for a second: I am responding to your worried questions, and to your fear of being hurt again:

If you KNOW that your head is in the right place, i.e. you want NO relationship unless it''s really good for you, you will not be worried about being hurt again. When your head is in that place, you have a natural "wait and see" attitude, that allows time to know and time to trust.
You don't feel heartache, and even if you feel crazily attracted to him, you can sit it out because you know it's natural, and that it doesn't necessarily mean he's good for you.
Ask yourself whether you want a man badly, and look for the honest answer. If the answer is "yes', watch out...your mind will play games on you, will make you anxiously giving too much, too soon-that's how you can end up getting hurt.
Your attitude should be one of no need, and happy acceptance of his interest, something like "wonderful if he's a great guy and likes me, just fine if not".
A guy will know right away if you are "hungry" for a relationship, so make this the first step in this new story: See if you are "hungry" for it, and then imagine how you'd feel and act if you were not, and do it.

All the best,

Almeiraz
www.yourloveadvice.com

they all want to marry so they can get their green card going...no thanks...most in my neck of the woods are here illegally...it is not that I don't get along with the Hispanics that I work with, but both my girlfriends at work married Hispanics and had hell to pay...they have a very patriarchal culture--the men rule, you the woman clean, that is it, they are right, you are wrong pretty much, a lot of ego here...I am not saying all Hispanic men are like that, but that is pretty much like it is here...Hadley

Well, I don't know for sure but this guy says he was born in Houston, moved to Mexico when he was a few months old (typical way for parents to gain entry into the US) and then returned to the states when he was 10. He is not looking to get married right away. He is hoping, like most of us, to be able to find the right person. He has been involved with older women so I wouldn't be the first and he prefers them to the younger, immature, materialistic Latina girls (his words, not mine). I am not desperate to find a man by any means. I've waited 10 years to make the decision to have someone in my life and waiting a few more is not going to kill me.

I'll just have to be careful!

Hadley, I always heard all Americans were deeply ignorant of other cultures and couldn't speak (and wouldn't even want to learn) more than one language, and that would be English. I heard they couldn't distinguish Bolivia from Brazil and were unable to localize almost any country in a map, except Canada and Mexico.

Had I believed those stereotypes, I would have lost the chance to learn what a great country the US are and would never have made so many intelligent, wonderful friends. Stereotypes are terrible.

Latin culture surely gives men lots of power and expect women to be submissive. Now, as you say, not all men are like this, not all women accept this and things are changing in many Latin countries.

And being hispanic not always mean that the person is not American, I believe. Assuming the guy needs a green card because he's a foreigner is already bad enough, but assuming he's a foreigner because he's hispanic...it doen't sound very fair to me.

Originally posted by tigerlily
I wouldn't be the first and he prefers them to the younger, immature, materialistic Latina girls (his words, not mine).

Tell him I strongly protest that affirmation, too.
Young x Materialistic or Latina x Materialistic...stereotypes!

Maria, I'll be glad to pass your comments on to him. :D

It is very stereotypical but I've heard more than one "Hispanic" male tell me that. Isn't that strange? They call the males Hispanic but the females are Latinas!

Yes, true!

And why is it that materialistic suddenly is not such a bad word when referring to men?

Tiger Lily -

Let me just say that if you're leery of getting hurt again that it makes sense to go slow with someone who says they want marriage, children and a family. These things are not totally impossible at 37, of course, but that is often a code word for - I'd love to have some fun with you, but I'm really looking for someone my own age for the long run.

I have no objection whatsoever to fun, believe me, but having heard your lament that you feel vulnerable, I'd advise some caution about wearing your heart on your sleeve.

Meet by all means, but take care of your emotions until you have a better idea what exactly he is up for with you.

Originally posted by tigerlily
I may take you up on that offer once I find out where he lives and works! Maybe you can atleast give me some ideas about the neighborhood and part of town that he's in...

TY, Tru!

Laurie


Let me know! Ms.Columbo to the rescue!!

I adore men from Columbia and Venezuela...they are gorgeous, intelligent, mannerly, the ones I have met...I mean the Mexican males that are in my tiny town expect the women to be submissive to them, to clean the house, never go many places, and basically have a self-less life. My girlfriends married Mexicans and Hondurans (they each have a temper). The Cuban men I have met are quite sophisticated. The Spaniards and Italians here are very romantic. I hope that qualifies with more clarity my statements. I know English, Spanish, Latin, and am learning Italian. Hadley

Speaking as someone who has wasted months on web players I agree that face time asap is a must. But you must TAKE SOMEONE ELSE WITH YOU! A friend, a cousin, sister, brother, make it an xmas shopping trip to that city and meet the guy at a Starbucks. Don't get in a car/plane/hotel room with him. Remember you don't know who you are talking to on the web. He could be anybody.

Take care of yourself. If he has a problem with that, and you explain that you don't feel comfortable alone in a private place with him. RUN! Do not look back.

Make web meetings safe, everyone. One of my pals took a gay pal with her on every first date she went on.

I'm with Sage here ---- you better freakin' WATCH OUT!!

Tigerlily, use your head and think about WHY a guy in
a huge state like Texas, in a big-*** city like Houston,
needs to pursue a relationship with someone 12 hours
away.

It doesn't add up. :rolleyes:

Does not sound legit at all.

My bet is that if you pursue this, you are going to get
hustled, big-time.

Be cautious and stay safe.

Let me clarify something for everyone. I'm not in Kansas City - I'm in south central KS at the OK border so it's only 7-8 hrs from Houston. May not make much difference but it makes me feel better.

I am keenly aware that this guy may be after something totally different than what he admits to and I'm being overly cautious. That's exactly why I asked for everyone's input and advice. There are all kinds of jerks and creeps out there and sometimes it's hard to tell who's legit and who is not.

I like many of the ideas that were brought up here and I'll be putting together a list of things to keep in mind when I'm talking to him. Sort of like a RED FLAG checklist.

I'm counting on all of you to keep me straight on this matter and I appreciate each and every word of advice and caution that has been shared. I take it all to heart and believe support from friends on a website like this is crucial.

Please continue to post information or ideas/suggestions you may have about checking this guy out. I do work for the city gov't in my town and I suppose I could have this guy checked out by our local police if he stills wants to come for a visit.

One more thing, the significance of coming up the weekend of Dec. 13 - 14 is that it is the weekend after my birthday and he thot it would be neat to share it with me.

Thanks again! No voice or opinion will go unheeded. I promise!

Personally, I would also advise against seeing him this soon - he maybe be legit or not, but from what i gathered from your initial a post is that YOU are not really ready yet imho.

Sure you like him (or at least his online persona) but you said youself you are not really comfortable with the situation. Now, that for me is prime guideline ... Don't do anything you are not comfy with, if things move too fast, then slow down - don't let anyone else set your pace ...

I don't always heed my own advise there, unfortunately - and more often than not this blows up in my face. I am saying because some thing at work just kinda "blew up" today - and the fact is it was something where my gut feeling was telling me all along that a specific "setup" wouldn't be working, but other people's drive/convictions plus some constraint led me to go along with it - which makese me responsible for it. However, it really reminded me to really trust my gut feeling / comfort level next time again, so I will add to Sage's point: If this guy is genuine, he should be prepared to give you time and you can get to know each other better (like on webcam etc).

But either way, whatever you decide: good luck and be careful ;)

Originally posted by HadleyManassas
I adore men from Columbia and Venezuela...they are gorgeous, intelligent, mannerly, the ones I have met...I mean the Mexican males that are in my tiny town expect the women to be submissive to them, to clean the house, never go many places, and basically have a self-less life. My girlfriends married Mexicans and Hondurans (they each have a temper). The Cuban men I have met are quite sophisticated. The Spaniards and Italians here are very romantic. Hadley


Hadley, sorry girl but you're being very stereotypical. How do you know they're "Mexicans" and not another race? Have you asked them? Have you checked the dna? So why are all the other races you mentioned romantic and well behaved to your standards but not the Mexicans? A lot of hispanic races look the same but are of different race. You need to check with each and every hispanic to see what their race is before you make assumptions that it's the "Mexicans" being the black sheep. Comprende?

joe "brown and proud!"

http://img.infoplease.com/images/mexico.gif

I have always liked hispanics from any country. Dated a couple of TREMENDOUS Mexican men.

Currently am dating a Spaniard :D

Edit: when I see it like that it looks like I am talking about dog breeds LOL

Hey thanks Swan!!! :D

joe

Originally posted by Joe
Hey thanks Swan!!! :D

joe

Seriously, now that I think of it I have dated three Mexican men. And they were three of the finest, sweetest men I have known. They each dumped me, which was their only flaw :D

Originally posted by Harrison
I'm with Sage here ---- you better freakin' WATCH OUT!!

Tigerlily, use your head and think about WHY a guy in
a huge state like Texas, in a big-*** city like Houston,
needs to pursue a relationship with someone 12 hours
away.

It doesn't add up. :rolleyes:

Does not sound legit at all.

My bet is that if you pursue this, you are going to get
hustled, big-time.

Be cautious and stay safe.

Well, based on that theory I must be a suspect too. Why would I, a woman from a huge state like Texas, in a big-*** city like Houston, need to pursue a relationship with someone uh..well 9 hours by plane, 3 more by train or 5000 miles away?

It adds up....it HAPPENS! That...is the new internet age for ya. I sure wasn't looking for that...

Originally posted by Witchy
Speaking as someone who has wasted months on web players I agree that face time asap is a must. But you must TAKE SOMEONE ELSE WITH YOU! A friend, a cousin, sister, brother, make it an xmas shopping trip to that city and meet the guy at a Starbucks. Don't get in a car/plane/hotel room with him. Remember you don't know who you are talking to on the web. He could be anybody.

Take care of yourself. If he has a problem with that, and you explain that you don't feel comfortable alone in a private place with him. RUN! Do not look back.

Make web meetings safe, everyone. One of my pals took a gay pal with her on every first date she went on.

I've been on more than my share of blind or internet dates. You would run out of fingers and toes if you started to count for only three years. If she had brought someone else, there would not be another date. That's just too paranoid. I would expect that any woman would feel comfortable going to some public places on her own. If we could not find a public place where we could agree to meet alone, then I would think I was wasting my time with a nut. I do agree that keeping it in only public places and not letting him know where you live are proper precautions to take when meeting someone.

Hi there,

I just think it is too soon for both of you to meet up. Just take your time with this guy and listen to your gut feelings. Another way is to start meeting other guys so you can focus on getting to know alot of people then later on, when your instincts tell you that this one guy could be a potential....then take it nice and slow. As long as you learn from the last mistake and move on...then you are fine.

Originally posted by swanqueen
Seriously, now that I think of it I have dated three Mexican men. And they were three of the finest, sweetest men I have known. They each dumped me, which was their only flaw :D

Well Swan, you need to cum down here to D-town! I have plenty of Mexican homies in the Marines that would love to date an OW! :D


joe

Originally posted by swanqueen
Currently am dating a Spaniard :D

Edit: when I see it like that it looks like I am talking about dog breeds LOL

LMAO.......

Just pay attention when he is around FIRE HYDRANTS:D

I make the mistake of calling one of my online matches. I called him and forgot to block my number from caller ID. So he had my number. He turned out to be a scarey nut case. If my number was listed (actually it is listed but new) he could EASILY gotten my address from any one of a trillian online search tools. I checked everyone I knew and my address didn't show up, but he knows my name and number from caller ID. He has called me a few times from different phones. I can recognize his voice.

So if he has your phone number chances are he has your address.

I hadn't thot about that SQ. I just went through and used a few directory services and it can be found. So, I went to their privacy statements and requested it be deleted. Probably a lil too late for this one but will prevent problems in the future... LOL

Thanx!

TL

Hi Tigerlily,
I wanted to respond to this earlier but work keeps getting in the way! You're getting a lot of good advice and I just wanted to add something to the mix. Having worked with models for several years now, I've had that distasteful experiences of having to deal with their stalkers on occasion - I'm not saying that this is what's going to happen, but a lot of those red flags that Sage was referring to correlate with potential stalker behavior - wanting to meet almost immediately and still living with his parents being the two that stick out the most. I'm not saying that this guy is like that, but, as you've been well informed, lol, don't go anywhere alone with him, do not give him your home address - but, if you've already given him your phone number, your address can be very easily secured using that. Take the steps to protect yourself and you should make out okay.

And, given that I lived in Kansas for two years? I KNOW there's a major shortage of men down there. This guy could turn out like Swan's guy - be marvelous and perhaps the love of your life, but take it very, very slowly. Let him stay at a hotel - take a friend with you to meet him. Do not allow yourself to be placed in any positions of being alone or in a secluded place with this person. You might want to ask for his full name and have a background check done - see if there's a criminal record, see if he has a history of violence of any sort. It might seem harsh but in this day and age one has to take steps to protect themselves on every level and sadly, that even includes the romantic level. (hey, I might be shakey on the whole new ym/ow romance but I know my stuff when it comes to protection and necessary precautions <G>. It's part of what I get paid for.)

Originally posted by swanqueen
I make the mistake of calling one of my online matches. I called him and forgot to block my number from caller ID. So he had my number. He turned out to be a scarey nut case.


Was he Mexican??? :D

j/k

Joe, you're just not gonna let that die, are you? :D Hispanics are great. . .so are Natives Americans - that's all I dated before I got married.

LOL @ Molly!!! http://www.extreme-athlete.com/forums/images/smilies/cool.gif

Mess with one you mess with them all!!! :D

"I am not saying all men are like that..." meaning not all Mexicans in my small town, or anywhere...Hadley

Some guys that are living with parents are bums and some have been laid off or hated their states and jobs and moved back home and are job hunting...it does happen...we had 10,000 programmers lose their jobs about 15mos ago here...so the economy is not the greatest for job hunters...I have to agree with Captain, I have taken gf's along before, or better yet, my young son at the time, and it will kill any interest at all on the guy's part...you should like Molly says hit a Starbucks in the day time, not night time, size him up in your head. if you like him, let him pay for the coffee, if you don't , you buy your own.Does he carry on a meaningful conversation? What is your gut reaction to the entire situation...and I would meet him 1/2 way you driving half way if it looks like you both want to meet on a day time, coffee, blind date. And, Ladies, having a private number is a must, using *67 to block your calls, if he gives you his number to call is a must use the latter, getting caller ID, and getting call block, and using all of them is a must...pennies can save your life. Most people are normal folks all looking for their soulmate, but sometimes you do meet a whacko. H.

Well, based on that theory I must be a suspect too. Why would I, a woman from a huge state like Texas, in a big-*** city like Houston, need to pursue a relationship with someone uh..well 9 hours by plane, 3 more by train or 5000 miles away?

It adds up....it HAPPENS! That...is the new internet age for ya. I sure wasn't looking for that...

---- Tru

With all due respect, Tru....I don't feel your relationship
is what most single older women are looking for. It may
be great for you, and that's wonderful, 'cause we live in
a free country and you can do as you please.

I suspect that most folks who pull this off successfully
(an LDR) are middle-class or higher ---- or just willing to
melt their credit cards. You need a certain amount of
disposable income for regular plane tickets. I think Bella's
a nurse; we know Maria's a doctor, and so on.

BUT, most folks are not really eager for that kind of
situation. I know from personal experience that it is
a psychological and a financial burden. Not something
where a blue-collar working man jumps for joy, and says
"Oh yay! Can I spend 8 hours of driving time and $120
on gasoline to come see you?" :rolleyes:

However, if I thought I could discreetly keep a little
long-distance booty on the side for some weekend
action from time to time, I would pursue
someone like tigerlily if I were a cable-repair tech living
in Houston. :rolleyes:

Sorry, that's how we guys think, okay? ;)

I think tigerlily would be well-served by being super-
cautious with this dude. Just my $.02 worth, and no
offense intended.

Originally posted by swanqueen
.

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to call my guy and say hey I have a few free hours and spend them laying on his living room floor looking through his library of art books and religious books and astronomy books. And it didn't cost me a dime.

There are people near you people.



Good for you Leda:)

(and bOb is none the wiser;) )

I'm in a town with about 11,000 people all of whom have lived here almost their entire life! Being a single parent is frowned upon and I'm outsider so prospects for finding a YM are slim to none. And, to top it off, if I did have a YM here it would definitely affect my children at school and in sports! KS is about 25 years behind the rest of the world!

There are a few single guys, don't get me wrong, but there is a reason they are single!

TL

P.S. Moving is not an option - my daughters just began high school and I want them to finish at the same school where they started - plus I promised them we would not move until they completed HS.

Originally posted by SaltwaterBlues
Good for you Leda:)

(and bOb is none the wiser;) )

B.O.B. is growing cold and distant. I think he suspects something. But then except for his motor he was always rather the silent type.

Originally posted by swanqueen
B.O.B. is growing cold and distant. I think he suspects something. But then except for his motor he was always rather the silent type.

LOL... now give bOb his due.

Even now, in the COLD dark of some trash heap.......

He'll always be

a STIFF ;)

Being a single parent is frowned upon and I'm outsider so prospects for finding a YM are slim to none....

--- tigerlily

I know how you feel. A few years ago, I didn't live in a
small town exactly, but it felt like one (a military base),
and nothing was happening for me when I was single.
Finally, I met someone in the next county over, and
about 1 hour and 15 minutes away from me in driving
time.

How? An online dating website.

It took a while, but I found my OW, got married, and now
I'm a real happy camper! :) So hang in there, tigerlily.

BTW, from your photo you look pretty "hot." ;) You'll
find a nice, quality YM close to home. Just be patient,
and be willing to wait a while....

Also, don't be shy about posting an online ad either.
That's how I found my wife. I never would've met her
if I hadn't seen her online ad that included a nice color
photo. :) She also told me that she was flooded
with messages from interested single guys. Just some
food for thought.

Good luck!

Originally posted by Harrison


With all due respect, Tru....I don't feel your relationship
is what most single older women are looking for. It may
be great for you, and that's wonderful, 'cause we live in
a free country and you can do as you please.

I suspect that most folks who pull this off successfully
(an LDR) are middle-class or higher ---- or just willing to
melt their credit cards. You need a certain amount of
disposable income for regular plane tickets. I think Bella's
a nurse; we know Maria's a doctor, and so on.

BUT, most folks are not really eager for that kind of
situation. I know from personal experience that it is
a psychological and a financial burden. Not something
where a blue-collar working man jumps for joy, and says
"Oh yay! Can I spend 8 hours of driving time and $120
on gasoline to come see you?" :rolleyes:

However, if I thought I could discreetly keep a little
long-distance booty on the side for some weekend
action from time to time, I would pursue
someone like tigerlily if I were a cable-repair tech living
in Houston. :rolleyes:

Sorry, that's how we guys think, okay? ;)

I think tigerlily would be well-served by being super-
cautious with this dude. Just my $.02 worth, and no
offense intended.

I would agree with you that a LDR is not what most women are looking for. However, that was not the question. Tiger is obviously open to the idea and your point was kind of like just because the guy is out of town he must be suspect.

NOT TRUE. This is that beat the dead horse argument but ALL guys are suspect IMHO. If they live down the street and you meet at the mailbox or if they live across town and you meet at the bookstore or if they live thousands of miles away and you meet on the internet. You have to use your noggin in all situations. Does not mean you can't meet, try it out, be cautious, and see what comes of it.

I would agree with you that a LDR is not what most women are looking for. However, that was not the question. Tiger is obviously open to the idea and your point was kind of like just because the guy is out of town he must be suspect.

--- Tru

No, sorry that you misunderstood me.

I have nothing against folks from out of town, just
as long as I can drive to their house in a reasonable
amount of time, and vice versa.....

It's the folks who are 8, 10 or 15 hours out of town
that I would really be very leery of.

Well, I still hold to what I said .... no more leary of the guy some hours away, than the guy around the corner.

Weirdos, perverts, cheaters and criminals are everywhere.

Just be cautious Tiger, that is all I would say. :)

I was very fortunate that Peachy was only less than 10 miles away! I thought her a$$ was about 100 miles from me! We both freaked out and just had to meet! ;)

Having lived in a few small towns, I do know the feeling of being surrounded by all married folks with kids or just marrieds...not being out here, they have no idea what it is like... I now live in a place with mostly singles but mostly singles with a ton of $$...that has its problems,too...then people get too competive with jobs...Swan, not to rain on your parade, but you shouldn't have to be calling your guy to go to his place...shouldn't he be calling or lining things up with you??? H.

Hey, Hadley....

As long as there's warmth, companionship and nookie
whenever it's needed, does it matter who calls who??

;) :p

Hey all y'all and especialy Tigerlily,

I am quite new to this site, so forgive me if I seem presumptuous in writing when so many others have given their very valuable assessment of your situation.

Someone once gave me this wonderful tool for solving my own dilemmas. When one is asking oneself an important question, and a thousand answers seem to come from a thousand different angles, STOP and change the perspective to one outside of yourself.

Pretend your best friend was asking the question, and honestly give yourself the same advice that you would give to them.

This provides a bit of objectivity when going through what you are going through. You're deep within one of those times when our hearts want to believe the best while our brains are chanting, "it won't work because of...." - well, you fill in the blank.

However, one bit of advice I will give and give without reservation. I beg you, no....I implore you to listen to your instincts. For centuries, we women have had a sense that is so central to our being, and so singular to us that it earned a name unquestionably our own: women's intuition.

The older I get, the more firmly I believe in listening to that inner voice, and it has served me well time and time again.

If you are asking yourself is it too good to be true? It probably is. If you are asking yourself if it will be like last time, it probably won't - a bad clam may make you sick one day, but the next clams you try most likely will not. The bad clam won't look any different from the good clams, but the passage of time will certainly prove it to be one or the other. And of course, after a bad clam, it usually takes some time to screw up the courage to try another!

The other factor in your situation which stands out most strongly to me is the proportion of the response within this new fascination between the two of you. If this man lived nearby, it would not seem so daunting to meet him for coffee or dinner. You most likely would not be questioning the "rightness" of meeting him so soon.

But the fact that he lives so far way colors the situation with a whole other tone. The possibilities go to extremes; the effort he is willing to make to see you becomes both more flattering and threatening at the same time. Flattering in that he drove for hours to see you, and threatening in that you are now presented with a person that carries some of the same labels that caused you such pain in the not too distant past, and also brings with him a hidden agenda with which you have no familiarity whatsoever. (And he may not even be aware he carries that agenda, but we all have one...)

Please know I do not feel very comfortable or even capable of doling out advice specific to your situation I only know I would listen closely to the vibrations of your gut, and follow those feelings.

One last thing to consider if this meeting between the two of you comes sooner rather than later-- It is lovely to see the appreciation of yourself in another's eyes, but that reflection can be distorted if one doesn't know the surface upon which it lies.

But I do wish you much, much luck and much, much hope for your new relationship. When we women have that "other" in our lives, we sing, we glow, we bless the world and heal it with our happiness.

And so I wish you that joy, that joy, that joy...

You know, everything you said made absolutely perfect sense! My first instincts were to run because of the similarities and because the hurt I experienced was so recent. I have faced that fact and have dealt with it in my heart and soul. I am ready to move on however cautiously and slowly.

I have taken into consideration everyone's recommendations and concern for the safety of myself and my family. He does already have my phone number and could possibly have the address so I can't do anything about that.

I do have confirmation that he is employed because he got called into work on his radio while I was talking to him on the phone tonite and he talked to me all the way to the worksite. He is on call this week so he's working a lot of hours! He told me he has been on this job for 5 years and I believe him.

As many of you advised, I told him I was not comfortable with meeting so soon. He response was "I understand and I am willing to wait until you are comfortable." He also told me that he didn't look at this any differently than if I were in the same town because he would want to take me out right away. He doesn't see the distance as an obstacle and he would be doing the travelling - not me.

I have not developed any feelings for the guy except that I want to get to know him better. I think we have a lot in common and this could work but, as Jay put it, it doesn't necessarily mean it will work and that we'll be together forever. But it does mean that we both want to explore the possibilities of a relationship together regardless of the distance.

In the meantime, we will continue to talk by phone as much as possible. Get to know each other more and then arrange to meet in January possibly. But the arrangements will be made so that he is not staying at my house and my children will be left out of it.

I don't know if anything will develop but if I don't atleast give it a chance, I will never know what may have been.

I'm so new to all this that I need a lot of support and direction. Thank you all for opening my eyes to the world "internet" relationships.

*hugs*
TL

TL -
You are so sweet... and vulnerable in your sweetness!
Be careful. Everyone here is right. Meet him now, meet him later, but meet him safely. I agree with witchy about bringing a friend and letting him know ahead of time, that she will be with you all weekend!

Here are the problems I see, and I know I might have them, and you seem like me....

Even if he was the biggest dork in the world, picked his nose at dinner, etc. I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings. I wouldn't know how to say, tactfully - "I don't think this is gonna work" so I would be stuck.

Also, unless he actually had his sidearm on his belt and a knife in his teeth, if I was attracted and flattered, I'd tend to let down my guard and forget the rules of safety.

All I can say is please BE CAREFUL. You seem to have a very kind spirit that could be taken advatage quite easily by a player..(not saying he is, mind you - he may be THE one)

Luv ya,