Perpetual confusion

Hello to all; I'm hoping for some candor from you wise folks who have dealt with age issues before.

I had a fling with gentleman 15 years my junior. He bluntly announced one night "this could never be serious because of the age difference." At the time, he was 38 and I was 53.

Fast forward a year and a half. He's moved on physically, but is in touch almost daily. We're "friends" but when I stated that our online flirting needed to stop if that was the case, his response was "no, I don't want it to change." When I asked why not, he responded that he was confused, that he had met and dated others but "none like you."

Well, for my part, there's been none like him. Not even anyone that has interested me. Is it hopeless? Am I wasting my life waiting for something that will never happen?

Hope you don't mind me being very candid, but seems to me, that if he wants to be "just friends", but still wants to flirt with you, that he may be the type who wants his cake and eat it, too.

However, it is possible that he is struggling with the issue of the age difference. Not clear if you have talked with him about that any further.

I would suggest that you try setting some firm limits with him. If he does not want a relationship with you, demand that the flirting stop, but this time be firm about it. Do not allow any flirting at all. Only then will you know what his true intentions are.

If he cares about you in a romantic way, then maybe those limits will shake some sense into him and help him learn what he really wants. Either that, or it will prove once and for all that he has no interest in a real relationship with you.

Best wishes to you!

Don't sit home and be a convience for him.

You are your own person, go out and date others, meet other people. Flirt with him if that's what he wants, but if he's not pursuing a serious relationship, then you are under no obligation to invest more time then you're willing to lose. There is no reason you should be a dormat to give him some level of comfort if he's not going to recipocate.

Promptly advise this man, that if friendship is all he wants, you are prepare to give it to him (after all he should be careful what he ask for) but that you will continue to look for a man with more conviction. That is if that's what you want. After all, at this stage in your life, you should know what you want and not settle for something less, just so you could possibly have someone. Set a timetable, seek out options and make a choose.

Don't spend one more minute wasting your time. It is valuable commodity. You're 54 yrs old, not 34 yrs old and your time is now, not his. So don't let anyone toy with your feelings and/or emotions or your precious time. If he's confuse, let him be confuse, its his call to work out his confusion. In the meantime, don't sit at home, waiting for him to work out his confuse "little grey cells".

Paris

Well, no, its not hopeless. *smiles* I do think for your own peace of mind, it is important for the two of you to define what type of relationship you have, and what the boundaries of it are.

I have been caught up in this cycle a couple times...same man both times. We break up, and want to be "just good friends" but for some reason he does not seem to comprehend the boundaries of "just friends." I prefer to remain friends with anyone I have had a relationship with, personally, although most recently this has not worked for me. He does not seem to understand as "just friends" we will not be flirting, we will not be going out on romantic dates, we will not have SEX! Good grief! Because those are all things I want to share in a relationship. I am not saying this is your situation, I just started talking about myself.

It seems when things end, sometimes the line gets blurry between being friends, and being more than friends. In my experience, it is wanting to have your cake and eat it too. All the good things about a relationship, without the work, without the committment...woo hoo! *smiles* Seems in my case, he is not happy with me and does not want to be committed, but also can't stand the thought of me moving on and finding someone new. Well, things don't work that way!

I think it is important to decide what type of relationship it is the two of you want, to set boundaries.....and to definitely not invest yourself too much emotionally until you know where things sit between the two of you.

It is entirely possible also, that he truly wants you back. And no, its not hopeless. Its that whole "don't know what you've got til it's gone" syndrome. Hopefully, you two can have a really good honest open heart to heart, and find out where you are headed.

My thoughts are with you...Keep us updated!

It sounds to me as if the guy wants some of the benefits of a relationship without the committment. Maybe he is just fearful of the age gap, or maybe it's something else. I think you can get him to want the reltionship, but can't really tell you how to play it.

If I wanted the relationship, my play would be to leave the door open to the relationship while denying certain aspects of what he likes about it. For instance, I've dated a woman who wanted to take lots of time before sex, but wanted to "make out" a lot during that time. To me this was going to be an exercise in frustration. I told her I was in no rush to move to "sex" but was not going to be "making out" in the interim. I had limits as well as she. When we moved on, we moved on quickly.

He wants to be friends and flirt and . . . . Don't give him all that he wants until he says he is ready to do what you want. At the same time, I'd would tell you to let him know that he should want that, that you expect him to want it.

Bittersweet, it's really a bitter sweet thing you are living, isn't it? I mean, it's sweet to be attached to someone after such a long time, to be able to talk and to flirt. The bitter part is that despite all that, you're still alone. There's nothing there that points to a real relationship.

I'd like to know from you whether you two have ever met in real life. Have you ever had a relationship, a romantic one, with physical contact? Is he alone right now? If you've met, when was the last time?

I think the idea of keeping an online flirt for so long is strange. It's almost like a second life, and as any second life, it's not a priority, not a real need, just something for the lonely hours. I don't know, that's how I would feel it. I would need more from it, if it was my only relationship.

I am just overwhelmed by the outpouring of helpful support on this board.

Yes, we met in rl, that's where it began. When his job moved him out of state, we wrote and occasionally spoke on the phone. There was no question of us remaining in contact; we are kindred spirits and knew we "liked" each other a lot.

During the course of things, he wrote some words that referred to another "friend" he had a sexual history with. He explained that he clearly saw what she wanted was not what he was willing to give. I responded by saying that befriending ones' lovers was dangerous, that one could get the wrong idea, as this other lady had. I went on to explain that I might have expectations outside of friendship myself, and that perhaps things should chill a bit. His return letter did not address this point. He instead made it clear that he had not slept with the other lady this time - that it began and ended with dinner. I hadn't asked.

I am an online gamer, have been for years, and it was I who introduced him to the venue. While together, he learned the game I was playing, and found he enjoyed it as much as I. Now, over a year later, he has gotten a computer, installed the game and is playing with me daily.

The thought of bringing the rl relationship subject up, when we are having so much fun together online, scares me. I'm enjoying myself thoroughly and so is he. I don't want to wreck what we do have.

The main thrust of most of your advice seems to be to do what I am most terrified of; facing reality head on regardless of the consequences; asking him to define how he now sees our "relationship." I know you are right, but part of me (a very BIG part of me) just wants to play this out. Our online time is real time we are spending together, and our relationship continues to grow.

I will reread and mull on all you have been kind enough to share with me. Please understand why I sign myself,

Bittersweet