Can a great Young Man grow into a bad Older Man?

I had difficulty composing the title question, so I'll expand it a little.

We all have met older men set in their ways and with arrogance to boot, etc., etc.,....men we would not want to be with.

These men were young once. Do you think that they were just as bad in their youth, or could they have been considered a "wonderful young man" then?

In other words, is the basic personality there in youth, as well as in older years, or does it evolve into something different as they grow older?

Appreciating your insightful replies, as always!

Almeiraz
www.yourloveadvice.com

Any and all of the above are possible. Rejection, failure, loss and isolation can all turn a good person bad. Every bad person can amend their ways with or without a revelation. No one us are guaranteed to conintue to be good and decent and on the way to heaven, nirvana, or whatever elightended satte you might think exists. We have to continue to work at it and examine our acts and consciences.

I believe that people are basically who they are from an early age. I believe that people are born with one of three temperments: Difficult, Slow-to-warm-up, and Easy. Depending on who they got for parents, and how the parents dealt with the child, affects the outcome of who the person becomes.

I met my ex-husband when he was 26 and I was 19. He was an a$$hole then too, but I wasn't experienced enough to spot the red flags. I thought he was wild and crazy, fun to be with, and a great partier. What he really was, was afraid of intimacy, irresponsible because his parents never made him accountable for his behavior, and an alcoholic!

Robin is 25. I met him when he was about to turn 21. At his young age, he had a 3-year-old son, who he took care of as a single dad the majority of the time, worked a full-time job, paid his bills, and had money saved in the bank. Robin's two older brothers are the same way. One of them is in his thirties now, ranks high in the U.S. Military, married a woman with two kids (she's also a breast cancer survivor, he went through all that with her) and is a good husband and father. I believe Robin will be the same way, because that's what Robin desires. Robin believes that people make themselves what they are, and it's all what you want in life.

So, in answer to the original question, I don't think a leopard changes its spots. I think people grow and learn to a degree, and maybe some exceptions take place through intensive therapy, but I think that for the most part, the core of a person stays intact.

This is why it sometimes ticks me off when the women here state that their with ym because they different then the older ones, well, duh...of cause you're different. YM haven't had to deal with life as we older people know it. And by the time they do deal with it, heck, we're older, most likely we'll be dead and won't be able to say much of it.

As much as I seem to only attract younger guys lately, I don't believe every older guy is hell on earth, a young guy could be too. Just ask any of the women here who are dealing with issues from ym they're not willing to walk away from.

I do understand that life is sometimes unfair and some of us can dust ourselves off and keep moving, and some of us don't move very well. This goes for men and women of all ages. I've meet plenty of older guys who are super guys, but they, like the women wanted a younger woman, even if she had issues...lol...priceless.



Paris

Yes I agree with Paris, sometimes it is life experiences, the women in their past, let downs, that cause a good young man to turn into a horrible older man. I guess sometimes a bad young man can see the light and turn into a wonderful older man too.

I know I'm not a man... but the same thing applies to me. I know I am a much better woman than I was at 20 - 30. I had to learn a lot and I grew and got better.

I guess for all people life can beat you down or cause you to grow, its all in how we use what happens to us.

I agree with just about everything said. I also think it's a choice sometimes. As I've said before, I work with male models and I've gleaned a lot from them that can be applied to this question.

I've met some very nice, amicable young men that I know will be sweet, loving middle aged men who will go on to be those sweeties in the nursing home that the nurses love. . .THEN. . .I've also met some incredibly arrogant and selfish men who will be THOSE men nobody wants, male or female. There's one that comes to mind as I type who is a perfect example of this. It's all about him. It was all about him when I first met him at 25. Now? Years later? It's still all about him at 45. I'm sure it'll still be all about him when he's 65 and beyond. He's incredibly selfish and totally focused on his needs. He'll never be a good spouse and I've heard hellacious stories of what he's like as a lover so it's pretty evident that he's not willing to change or move on from whatever mind set he's got going. So, in taking what I've seen and applying it, I honestly feel that jerks are very hard to unmake.

The truth is it can happen to anyone, man or woman. We can become better or worse, each one of us. It's an everyday choice. I do believe it's more a question of choice than of fatality.

It is absolutely one of choice. We can choose to be the same that we have always been, or we can choose to be better or different than we have been. Certain things happen in our lives to form our personalities. And as we grow, other things happen to change us. It is how we choose to react to those changes that determines how we treat ourselves and others.

All true, of course. But let's not forget that there are some generational differences at work here too. Guys raised by working mothers in the 70's and 80's did have very different formative experiences than guys who grew up in the 50's. And there is no doubt that a person's attitude towards the opposite sex is vaguely related to their 1st relationship with a person of the opposite sex. So I don't think it's unrealistic to say that guys who are 30 and under today may have some generalized differences in their opinions about women's lives than men who are in their forties and fifties today.

Individuals will always be individuals and I know some pretty great men in their forties - so no blanket statement here. But I do think it's worth some consideration per Almeiraz' question....

I agree with everyone and I don't think there's a conflict. People have the opportunity to change and grow every day if they're paying enough attention.

The thing I think is innate is the way people respond to change. Some people have a resilency that allows them to rebound from bad experiences without becoming angry or bitter. Some people have the innate desire to learn from their experiences, both good and bad, in order to become a stronger person. Other people just let life dictate their emotions and get tossed about by every breeze that comes along.

Whether someone will get better or worse or will just go through life like a zombie never changing or learning anything depends on a combination of innate personality and experiences, but most important is the way they respond to those experiences.

Originally posted by Desert Spring
All true, of course. But let's not forget that there are some generational differences at work here too. Guys raised by working mothers in the 70's and 80's did have very different formative experiences than guys who grew up in the 50's. And there is no doubt that a person's attitude towards the opposite sex is vaguely related to their 1st relationship with a person of the opposite sex. So I don't think it's unrealistic to say that guys who are 30 and under today may have some generalized differences in their opinions about women's lives than men who are in their forties and fifties today.

Individuals will always be individuals and I know some pretty great men in their forties - so no blanket statement here. But I do think it's worth some consideration per Almeiraz' question....

True, but my 28 year old son was raised by a stay at home mother who was totally not respected by her husband. So he expects his wife to be a woman who will stay home and raise his children and do what he wants. Did I do him a disservice? Evidentally since he has not found that kind of woman.

On the other hand my 46 year old boyfriend was raised in a house full of love where each had equal worth. So actually he is a better mate than my young son.

Yes, I believe too that people can change for the better or the worse. Which side might prevail probably depends on the coping skills developed in their formative years though.

So, I can see Swan's point ;)

Sometimes, however, I guess it is relative what is "better" or "worse" ... bitter, jaded men/women are a general turn-off, I assume; but often "better" can be seen as more "accomodating" .. - and this might not always really be better, for example when it leaves the accomodating person open for abuse ...

Personally, I think I have become less tolerant of certain things in a relationship, i.e. stuff that I would not put up with ... depending on who looks at it, this might be seen as better or worse ;)

Personally, I feel better with it ;) But that shows that even "bad" and "good" are relative, unless we are talking about some very fundamental things/values here like kindness, compassion, care, honesty, integrity etc.

Those seem to be generally appealing and there I would expect a general "core of personality" or character to be at place; for other things I guess it takes all sorts :D

I agree with the Captain's ideas and most of the other posts, but I also see value in what Desert Spring has said about generational differences at play. Swanqueen is also valid in that generalizations about generational differences are just that. Generalizations.

But, in GENERAL, LOL, I do think there is a generational difference along with individual personality characteristics that make a YM or OM a great mate or not. Also, it is more fun and encouraging to be with someone who may just be starting out and is optimistic. Some older men may have been that way, but had a life that beat down those feelings. For one reason or another, it seems that a lot of us older women have also been beaten down but remain optimistic and enjoy being with someone who is also optimistic. Anyway, back to the generational thing.

In an American history class, a professor once surprised me by giving me evidence that my assumption about older folks being more conscious of money was just a generational thing. He pointed out that the group of people who went through the Great Depression are the older folks that we are familiar with and they ARE very consious about money. He pointed to many examples of older people who were from before the Great Depression and they could be quite carefree in their attitude about money.

Whether one is in a relationship with an OM, or YM, we have to pay attention to all of these factors and find the right one for us.

I guess it depends on what qualities define someone as "great" or "bad", but I believe that a large part of our basic personality is set by young adulthood. By "personality" I mean intrinsic values that guide interactions with others -- behaviour toward fellow human beings. Those kinds of attitudes are shaped and formed in childhood. Someone with a strong belief in honesty isn't going to embrace dishonesty without having suffered a lot of contradictory experiences. Someone who believes that one should treat others, even strangers, with kindness won't easily become cruel. Schoolyard bullies tend to grow up to be abusers.

I think it would take some very dramatic life events to turn a "great young man" into a "bad older man", and you're more likely to see stability of personality traits than change.