torment

i mentioned this on the "sexually speaking" forum, and maybe i am going out on a limb here but i read a particular post earlier that made me feel like i could feel safe posting more about what has been troubling me for the past few days...

so i am in this LDR for the past 4 months. he came to visit over thanksgiving and to say the least, the trip did not go as well as i had hoped. it was our third visit together and the others were fantastic. but - this time it seemed like all possible doubts and potential problems came to the surface, and we almost broke up. we had trouble going grocery shopping together, deciding how to spend our afternoons, etc. we are both laid back to a fault and kind of wait for the other to make the initiative. actually this is the biggest problem i think, that we may simply be too much alike. so after that i am not at all convinced that we will be able to have a functional real life relationship. when all we do is talk on the phone everything is fine, but.....

the real problem, the one that keeps me awake nights and torments me during the day, is that i made friends with a guy from work last weekend and have since just not been able to stop thinking about him. i told K about him and he was glad i had made a friend, and encouraged me to spend time with whoever i want to. of course, this made me feel even worse.

J and i have tentative plans for this thursday. we have been in contact through email and actually both admitted our crushes, but have agreed not to act on them in respect of my relationship but want to be friends.

what am i asking here? i don't know. should i avoid this guy? i know if K was here it wouldn't be an issue but the reality is that he is not. also, if we weren't already kind of having problems i don't know that i would be having these feelings. i don't have anyone to talk to about this for fear of their reactions since everyone knows about me and K, and most of my friends are at my job with me and J.

thanks for listening/reading.

I think it really depends on where you and the long-distance boyfriend are in your relationship. You say that you have only been together 3 times. But that you talk on the phone often. Do you see it - have you in the past - have you talked about it as a serious, committed relationship. Or is it something you are trying out to see how you fit together?

I think in every relationship there SHOULD be a time of wondering, that is normal and natural. Honestly, I do not believe in "love at first sight". I don't believe in relationships where after one dinner together, you are inseparable and going to stay that way until death. I do believe in VERY STRONG attraction, in chemical reactions, in overwhelming feelings. But, I guess I have thought "this is IT" too many times to believe that part of my psyche anymore. (No offense to anyone here - I wish everyone the best, and I hope it works out - I just think that it takes a LOT more than that to create a real long-term relationship.)

I guess if your LDR is one that is less serious and committed, I don't see anything wrong with seeing this new guy to see how you feel. If you do feel something, maybe it is worth pursuing. If you never take that chance, you many never know. I would NOT have any kind of physical contact with him until you have firmly established where your other relationship is or isn't going. But having lunch or dinner with him seems fairly innocent to me. If there are strong feelings, then you will have to deal with chosing one path to go down (or at least tell them both that you are keeping your options open.)

I guess it sounds to me like you haven't made a huge commitment to the LD guy. If you have, and I am mistaken the above might be bad advice. I just think it is too bad to see people cutting off possibilities before they really have to.

My .02.

Uh-oh.

When I responded to your other post I didn't know you were having any problems with your guy. I also thought this was just a friend you happened to get along with, rather than a crush you couldn't stop thinking about.

Ignore everything I said before.

This doesn't sound good. I think the combination of the long distance relationship, starting to have doubts about K, and finding a guy you feel so close to so quickly is going to take it's toll. I would definitely slow down your friendship with J and really talk - seriously - with K and figure out where you both want to be headed. Get those doubts resolved before you continue your friendship with J.

which post were you referring to in sexually speaking? (just curious)

Oh, by the way, it doesn't necessarily mean it is not a serious, committed relationship just because you see other people. Most people have that general preconceived notion that it couldn't possibly be serious if you see other people, but that isn't necessarily true. I am not saying that you should see other people--I am just making a comment.


Long distance relationships are tough......I am not sure if I would do one of those again.


Calybo, I think you need to talk about this some more with your bf, and ask him what he thinks about maybe seeing other people. Only you and he would know what was best for the both of you. Just talk it out, and keep an open discussion to see where both of you are right now. Long distance relationships are tough, and I am sorry to say that they usually don't work out because of logistics--but some do actually make it and work out fine.

Be honest and candid about your feelings. You both sound like very understanding people, so I am sure things will work out as they should.

thanks so much for your thoughtful replies. i have to run to work but i am thinking about stuff and will write more later.

edit: i was referring to the oral sex thread

Another curiosity-based question.....so was it my post that you were referring to in the oral sex thread?

you don't have to answer this question, just curious.

My 5 year LDR ended in a blissfully happy marriage of almost three years now. Having said that about 3 years into our LDR, I had questions and was just plain fed up with the distance. I broke from my sweetheart and "grazed other pastures." Silly me, I just thought I could replace my soulmate with someone closer in distance and age. What I learned, however, was that there is nobody like my soulmate and he couldn't be replaced by anyone be they near or far or younger. After nine months of separation, I learned that having my soulmate in my life was far more important than the inconveniences of a LDR. Shortly thereafter, we got back together and finally moved our lives together. We are happier now than we've ever been and each night I am so grateful to have had another precious day with my dear husband. When you truly feel this way about someone, nothing is insurmountable.

thanks very much for the replies. muse, i wasn't referring to your post, was talking about mine in SS, and i was also talking about something else in some thread, that was about how meralove broke up with her fiance to be with her now husband, it just reminded me of what is going on with me.

okay. i know that my attraction and interest is probably a symptom of the existing problems in my relationship. i know this probably sounds like a bad idea and that i am a bad person, and i certainly am angry with myself for thinking of someone else when i thought i had a commitment going on. but i'm not even sure about that since we have always said that we are kind of waiting to see what happens, whatever is supposed to happen will happen, etc. so, i don't know.

yes, my interest in J is not that of a casual friend, but when i wrote that in SS i was still telling myself that. the one thing K said when i told him i had made friends (because i really don't make many friends, it was kind of news) was that it was fine, but to please tell him if i developed a romantic attraction. i was like, "oh, its not like that." maybe i should avoid J, but we work together and see each other there so if i seriously wanted to suppress my feelings i would have to quit and i don't really want to look for another job, i transferred from my old city and have been there for over a year and it is altogether a pretty good scene.

yes, i know it is crazy to throw away something good for something unknown. my communication with both K and J is stellar and i feel that i can be honest with both. if i was to reconsider my future with K i wouldn't know how to go about it without hurting him. but i also don't know how to break it off with J even though nothing physical has happened, because every time we talk and every day that passes i feel more torn and consumed with anguish. this hasn't really happened before and i have no basis in my experience on which to act.

i'm not a bad person, i really try to do the right thing. i need to go to sleep but seriously, thanks so much for answering me and giving me an objective opinion. i don't have that in real life and am so thankful for anyone willing to talk to me about this...

Caly, I don't think anyone thinks you're a bad person. Not the slightest bit. The way you're feeling right now doesn't bode well for your current relationship, but that doesn't mean it's bad. Just because you've grown comfortable with someone doesn't mean they are the person you should be with. If your relationship with K is only just "good," then maybe there is something better out there. And maybe you've already found it. You're the only one that knows for sure. Just be as honest as you can with everyone (including yourself) and go with your heart.

Just to reiterate Pink Panther's point, you are not a bad person and thinking that way can be counterproductive. I felt terrible when I broke from my OM 3 1/2 years into our relationship to be with someone closer in age and distance. Looking back now it was probably the smartest thing I did. During that time apart both my OM and I got VERY clear about our feelings for each other. Today there are no doubts at all on either side.

As Pink said, just be honest with others around you and really try to find out what makes you truly happy. Follow your heart, it will never lead you down the wrong path.

Good luck.

Cal.... I dont' think your a bad person either!!!! I have never been in a LDR nor could I be.... I am not strong enough for that... I need my man around me......I am sure your feelings are normal and sometimes out of site out of mind sets in ya know.....I can't be of much help but I do hope that you find your happiness!!!

thanks.

in my head i know i'm not bad, but i feel terrible. all K has ever done is love me, and i know it might be a huge mistake to throw that away. J and i haven't had any physical contact other than brief hugs so at least i am not beating myself up for cheating, though i think my thoughts are enough to feel bad about.

J lives 20 miles away as opposed to 1500, we are incidently very close in age but that isn't really a deciding factor for me. J knows what is going on and said he'll be my friend either way. he also has said he doesn't want to just be "local guy" whatever that means. i don't really see myself being able to maintain more than 1 relationship. i could list all the reasons i think it could work out but that feels like a betrayal.

i talked to K for a few minutes on the phone last night and admitted that i was unsure about my commitment. after that neither of us really said anything and we just got off the phone. maybe i should take it back? now that i've opened this door i don't know how to close it. if only i hadn't gone to that thing on friday, or if i hadn't allowed that conversation to progress so openly...if i hadn't noticed that smile or listened to what he was telling me, or hadn't talked to him about such personal subjects, if only he had laughed in my face instead of nodding and understanding where i was coming from.

*IF* i was to tell K something - what? he was going to come for xmas, actually in less than 2 weeks. maybe i could stall everything and wait to see how this visit in real life goes. i told J i probably wouldn't see him for a while until january and he was okay. i wish it was more obvious but there is no one mistreating me or being anything less than adoring and wonderful to me. i also am sometimes troubled by the fact that i have had so many good people in my life, like its not quite fair that i have been given so many chances and almost universally been the one to break things off. no one has ever cheated on me, beat me, tried to tell me what to do, or anything, i just lose interest at some point and i don't like that about myself. sometimes it feels like i take love for granted and i hate that.

if i am saying too much here please tell me. i am pouring my heart out on this screen and it may not be appropriate but it is helping.

There's a country song for everything. :D

Here's yours...

Love She Can't Live Without (Clint Black/Skip Ewing)

He gives her attention, he's constantly, carefully planting the seeds
The only thing missing, is really the only thing she needs
And he can't give that to her and she can't find it with him
So she'll have to find her way out of love she's not really in

Chorus:
She can live with what goes with leaving
She knows it's the only way
Though it kills her to give up believin'
She can't live with herself if she stays
She could settle for what she'd be feeling
If she gave in and worked this one out
She doesn't want the kind of love she can live with
She wants the kind of love she can't live without

She looks in the mirror and sees all the sadness in her eyes
It's never been clearer what he's asking her to sacrifice
But she can't be his forever, she can't even be his for now
She'll have to be kind to them both and let go of him somehow

Repeat Chorus

And hardest part is she loves him
But she doesn't want the kind of love she can live with
She wants the kind of love she can't live without

that song kind of does apply to me somenight, how funny.

one more question - assuming that i am unable to distance myself from J, i know that i eventually will have to explain myself to K. would it be less hurtful to be completely honest and say that i developed an interest in someone else, or to be less specific and only say what is going on with the two of us (like my doubt, lack of commitment, etc.)

i saw him again today and it hasn't gone away. if i am not going to lie to him and say i am not interested, or avoid him completely, i have to do something. K was going to come in 2 weekends so what??? am i doing? i feel so so so guilty and responsible for K's feelings. i told him when we first got together that i wouldn't hurt him but he hasn't called me back today so maybe its too late. i feel badness coming on and i'm afraid.

assuming that i am unable to distance myself from J,


I don't think it's a matter of if, I think it's a matter of when.

I suspected you were falling for J after I read your first post. The phrasing gave you away. :D

would it be less hurtful

It's going to hurt, no way around that.

If I were in K's shoes this is what I would want from you.

Honesty.

I would want you to care enough about me to be honest. Sure my feeling would hurt for awhile and I might not want to have tea with you ever again but...

The healing only begins after it's over.

So be honest with K and set him free.

Btw, I think the song is exactly your situation.

just wanted to thank the board for listening to me a couple of weeks ago and to provide a quick update.

i broke things of with K so i could date J without reserve, and so far it seems that it was the absolute right thing for me. i saw K before xmas and it went down without too much drama, we talked about the distance and how neither of us are willing to change locations at this time or at any time in the near future. that was an issue for us but it had never been discussed so clearly. i am feeling more content than i have in a long time, which i don't understand but am trying to accept.

wishing all of you all the best --

catherine