Step moocher

So...where to start? All I can say right now is that I am ready to *screammmmmmmmmmmm!!!! Why you all ask? Well I am
23 yw and am married to a 60 om, who has twin boys ages 28 who are married and live far away and are and have been all along supportive...there is also a 21 year old daughter who is away at college - she is 21 and incapable of nothing. She flunked out of school and her father felt he had to bail her out bring her home & pay for her to attend community college to bring up the grades so she could go back to a state school - she is now back at school thank god...but this is year #5 going on 6...she has currently had to use her inheritance money from her grandparents to pay for school since going back and has used it all up...so now she has to take out loans and assumes that her father will pay $4000/year before she can take out the loans for the rest of it...her father and I are not paying for this - I mean she screwed up big time and she needs ot learn there are consequesnces for screwing up...not just emotional with having to leave school, but financial as well - I mean this is the real world right??? Well did I meantion she has never had a job...? That is right NEVER...oh but she has a part time 8 hour job on campus right now - she told us she is saving the money to travel this summer...LOL - little does she know that when she comes home on friday for x-mas break that before break is over her father will be laying out the rules as to she has to get a job if she wants to live here this summer, plus get a job to earn the $4000 and take out the loans after that on her own money - not ours...up to this point she has gotten to sit on her butt watching spongebobsquarepants for every break be it for a holiday or for summer break...just sleeps, eats PB sandwhichs, and watches spongebob...must be nice...I remember waking up at 6 am every day of breaks and school days to work my *** off to pay to go to school and live...but not her...just sits on her butt and mooches off of everyone...plus matters are made worse by the fact that she won't drive...I say won't because she is capable but to afraid...totally sheepish and immature for a gal her age...acts like she is 5...can't even make a Dr.'s appt. for herself...and can't get herself there cause she can't drive, and matters are made worse because we live in a small town of 5,000 do we have no public transp.!!! We have to cart her rear everywhere!!!!...gosh - sorry but I am going nuts...crazzzzzzzzzzzzzy!!! Her father and I have been together for 4 years now...it was a LDR for 3 years when I was back east in college but then I graduated and we got engaged and I moved to the west coast to be with him...this has all been going on since day 1 and for the first like 2 years I was symapthetic twards her...but this is just ridiculus...wa wa wa - go cry to daddy baby...immature brat...she looks to be a perfect queit gal...*vision of a perfect daughter...LOL - if her father only knew...he knows shes got problems but lets her diddle dally around cause he doesn't know what to do with her (and he's a counselor of all things)...shes been to counseling and all that - plus she is a insulin dep. diabetic and uses that as an excuse for everything...god it is so old...wa wa wa - you know we all have our own issues and problems so get over it...learn to live with it...
To top it all off and what has sparked my anger today is that my husband "A"'s daughter in law emailed me...at the bottom of her email was a link to her online journal to check it out...so I did - on her journal was a link to her sis in laws journal/my step kid/the daughter I have been talking about...anyways...curiousity bit me...I looked and whoa!!!! Curiousity killed the cat!!!! She rambles on about me and affectionalty calls me "psycho **bad word**" - how nice!!!! So now it is confirmed that she hates me just as much as I hate her...which I suspected but it is different to actually see it all in print...and upsetting cause she fools her father into thinking she likes me and all that crap when in actuality she hates me and thinks I have ruined her life and all that stuff...its more like her father has finally had it with having to deal with all her stuff...she is old enough to get her own life...duh!!!! So I haven't said anything to "A" about it and won't - for one I don't think it'll do any good cause he is always making excuses for her anyways...and what is the point...eventually the **** will hit and she will bury herself with it all right? I don't know what to do...I am very depressed because when she is aorund my relationship with "A" is strained...when she is gone it is wonderful...so I know she will be home for a whole month of sitting on her butt during x-mas and I will have to put up with it all - I am gonna just sit and be quiet and do my own thing - let her and her father do theirs and if they wonder why I am not going to the movies with them, eating dinner with them...etc then too bad - I just can't deal with it - I either have to do that to keep myself quiet as I can't see all the bull**** and be around her without screaming - so I am just gonna lay in bed for x-mas and sulk and cry and just let myself veg...matters are made worse by the fact that me and "A" where to fly back east to be with my family for the holidays but tickets are over $600/person so we can't really afford it right now with stil paying off wedding expenses and all...he offered to fly me, but I won't go without him...it is our first married x-mas...I just wanna be with him... and him alone...not her! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I am very homesick because of recently moving here and having no family or friends here...so when coupled with the stress of that going on and now her coming here for a month I am going cookoo for cocoa puffs!!!
I am sorry for the long rambling but I feel just besdie myself...I know there hast o be someone out there who relates or has had or has a similar situation...I just need to vent and I am hoping it is ok to do it on here and that people understand it...I know I made the decision to be in this situation to a degree ( marrying and all) - but you know this is OUR time not hers...she had her time - now it is time for her to grow up and move on...problem is she can't/won't do either...
Anyone have any words of wisdom/witt....anything?

You type a lot. :D

I doubt you'd have any success at changing the nature of the relationship between his daughter and him.

However you do have the power to change your relationship with his daughter (as distasteful as that sounds!).

Really, she's probably not half as bad as you think she is and you're probably not half as bad as she thinks you are.

My advice to you is to strive to understand her and build a better relationship with her during this holiday season. Consider it a present to you om if that makes it eaiser to swallow.

Another option is to catch her when she's alone and kick her ***! :D

Be honest with your husband and tell him how you feel. Those things we don't confront in the end destroy us. Keeping this bottled up is just going to make matters worse for you and probably your marriage. Part of what makes us strong as couples is honesty and dealing with problems/situations as they arise. Don't let this fester and don't let it ruin your marriage. You must start to deal with it by discussing it with your husband.

Good luck.

LOL @ travelling all summer when you just flunked out of school! Hahahaha! :D

As long as A is willing to make her pay for school and get a job, there's probably not much more you can do. She doesn't sound evil or anything, just incredibly immature. People don't just become that way for no reason, so I'm sure she's had quite a bit of coddling while she was growing up. Anyways, she is an adult, whether she acts like it or not, and she needs to start acting like it. Make sure A is willing to back you up with her. There's nothing more undermining to your authority than if you tell her to do something and she knows she can go running to daddy and he'll contradict you.

If there's any way you can make a connection with her (a shared interest or something) that would be better for you in the long run. You're both important parts of A's life, and having to choose between you isn't fair to him.

I can honestly say I understand... My 18 year old step son is so lazy and to me sometimes just plain irritating expecially when they are spoiled rotten..... Lifes lessons are the only thing that can slap them into reality.... she needs to be able to fall from her mistakes and make her correct them... He can't keep fixing things for her... because she knows that even if she messes up daddy will be there to fix it for her.... somethings yes can be fixed but sometimes you need to let her fall and make her realize that mistakes come with consequenses.... if you keep letting her do this than the more she will... ALTHOUGH I learned YOU CAN'T DO IT... let her father do it you talk to him ALONE and let him handlei t!!! trust mel.... We are battling this now!!!!

I would agree and also say that you should talk to HIM about it. You don't have to yell and scream and cry, but tell him that this is a serious issue for you. Let him know that it really bothers you and you don't want to put him in the middle, but that you shouldn't be paying (literally) for her mistakes. She is 21 years old, she is an adult, and she needs to learn to do things for herself - it is only going to hurt her in the long run to keep bailing her out.

Originally posted by PinkPanther_04
Make sure A is willing to back you up with her. There's nothing more undermining to your authority than if you tell her to do something and she knows she can go running to daddy and he'll contradict you.



I disgaree with Pink on this. She is not your daughter. Do not act like she is. Assuming authority, ahhh, like taking on a parental role? At this stage that will cause hostility between you, the daughter, and even possibly 'A'. "A' should handle his daughter. But you and 'A' need to communicate.

All I can say is thank god I don't have to deal with step children. Seriously, though, I think you're already doing the major part of all you can do by laying down the law and making her finally pay her own way. Expect a tantrum, and expect her to flounder for a year or so after the news, but eventually, it will probably have at least some of the desired effect as far as straightening her out.

Other than that, there's not a whole lot you can do, really. As the stepmother instead of the real mother, she's likely to resent anything you do to help her grow up just because it's coming from you (and it sounds like she already does).

Sorry to hear about that whole situation, though, it sounds awful. And I hope you can make some new friends in your new home. It's really tough to pack up and move to a brand new life, but you sound like a pretty decent person, so I suspect you'll manage it alright.

Mera...I thought about you when reading this, I'm happy to see you posted!

Well Ladiebug...welcome! I'm sorry to see that your first and only thread is about this issue. I have no kids, not married and I'm happy I'm not having to deal with this. The closest I've come to is dating an OM with a pain in the patootie son. He was very mindful towards me, but was a definate handful!

I don't know what to say, but I must agree that you need to talk to A about the situation. If you keep your emotions, thoughts and opinions bottled up they will most likely come out in a way you never meant them to. Best of luck!

~EM

Saltwater, I never said she should act like this girl's mom. But Daddy's not always going to be around every second, and who else is going to have to tell this kid to get off her lazy **** and do the dishes? I wouldn't let my roommate sit around the house like that without lifting a finger and she pays half the rent!

Another point I forgot: Stop driving her around! She's got a car (I'm not even going to ask who paid for it), and if she doesn't feel like driving, tell her to ride a bike or walk. If you are going to be a taxi service, start charging her by the mile. :D

Rolls:

Truer words have never been spoken...and Ladie and Mera would be wise beyond their years to actually listen and change. My best wishes to them in their trying situation.

And to Ladiebug...welcome to the board...and yes, we will still welcome you even if you don't see the wisdom of our advice. It is hard to put into practice...and I know I didn't do it very well in an earlier relationship that I had. For me, it is hard to stop parenting when someone needs its sooooo desparately.

Best of luck in your difficult situation.

The IrishKid

Originally posted by rollsharley
I was told shes not your child you have no say in whats right and whats wrong for her. This quote stuck out at me and I wonder how different Rolls's situation would have been if he'd had her mother's complete support.

When I was 16 my mom kicked me out and I had to live with my dad and *evil* step-mother for several months. I hated her and she basically hated and resented me (went almost a month hardly saying a word to me at one point). But any time I questioned her on anything and went to my dad for a second opinion he'd say that it's her house and I have to obey the rules. He never gave me a chance to disrespect her, no matter what I thought of her.

Granted, she was more than 30 years older than me, rather than only two (and thus more readily seen as an authority figure anyways), but if your husband is allowing her to disrespect you then you need to have a serious talk with him about where you stand in this family. No, you're not this girl's parent and shouldn't act like it, but it's still your house and you should be respected in it. In a step-parent situation children should come first when they *are* children. As soon as they become adults, however (or practically adults), your marriage should be the most important thing. Don't let her drive a wedge between you. If she sees the opportunity to do that, she will.

Well that just sucks, then. Sounds like she pretty well set you up for failure.

As far as step-parents go, I don't think it really matters whether the kid hates you or not (you can't do much about that anyways), as long as they show respect to you and your marriage. If you can be friends, all the better, but to hell with trying to be this girl's parent or trying to teach her life lessons or anything else. She's 21. If she hasn't figured that stuff out yet she'll have to do it on her own. She just needs to respect the rules of the house.

Rolls, you are right 'on point'.

Step parenting. Know all about it.

I was a step child to a woman that hated me so much I was out on the street (literally) at 16.

I was married to two men that were step parents to my children.

The first one the children hated him but he did nothing wrong in my opinion.

The second one, my son didn't mind him but he hated my son.

Very very tricky business.

I was also a step parent and I think my step daughters didn't mind me a bit because I never ever ever stepped in as a parent. I was just a household fixture that made them dinner. One of my step daughters I think actually liked me because we had similar interests.

Mostly step parents need to step back and let the parent be the parent. Especially in this situation. What the heck do you think you are going to gain by trying to change this daughter? She is almost your age. How would you feel? Just leave her alone. She is what she is and if her father doesn't mind, keep your nose out of it.

Originally posted by IrishKid
...and Ladie and Mera would be wise beyond their years to actually listen and change. My best wishes to them in their trying situation.



I know you meant well saying this but Where did I come out of this...

Just one thing I dont' understand what do I have to change? I understand this situation.. and I've realized a while ago I am not his parent... and I've always known that..... My stepson today told me things would change and that he's sorry and he knows he's being out of control and needs to be an adult so Now I sit back and wait to see if It's helped.. But when I have issues with his son I leave it.. I ask him to do the dishes or the trash and if he doesn't I tell his father which leaves me as the one who's doing the right thing and His father deals with it... and it's stress free for me ....I've learned this... I just crindge my teeth and bare it but evenutally it sinks in.... so.....

I think she has the right to be upset but she definatly has to go through her husband she is not his mother BUT her stepdaughter does live with them and is old enough and SHOULD act like an adult liviing with another adult!! :-)

Everything I read about stepchildren is completely damning and terrifying. The chances of having a good and/or normal relationship to your love interest's child are astronomical. My OM's kid is only 12, and if they can keep destroying your life well into their 20's and probably beyond, I don't know what to think. I only hope that my OM would never allow behavior like this daughter's because he is much more strict. But at the same time I've had to point out things to him that he was completely blind to from the loving parent's point of view.

This stepdaughter is everyone's worst nightmare. Why is your husband, the "counselor", completely OBLIVIOUS to this?! Why does it sound like your communication on this topic is very, very poor? If you can't talk about the big things, then what's the point of talking about anything else? Obviously, this daughter is sounding the death knell for your marriage- you need to do something, and fast. That something would be to have it out with your husband. Point out to him that his support of his daughter, financial, living arrangements and otherwise (DRIVING her AROUND?!) is having a big impact on your relationship- from the time, the money, the resentment, the wondering why he doesn't care what it's doing to you- and that you need some definite plans out of him as to how he plans to handle HIS daughter. Your hands are tied. His are not, so in keeping with the modern ideal of companionate marriage, he SHOULD want or at least be willing to move his hands with you in mind. You are his wife, for Christ's sake. That should mean A LOT; don't feel like you're sticking your nose in, because it's your contentment at stake. Marriage is one life, for better and in this case for worse. He should act like it. Tell him you won't be driving Prozac Muffy around, nor will you allow your joint matrimonial monies to be thrown at her useless misdirection.

You are 23. She is a mere two years younger. If he finds YOU old enough to sleep with, live with, share responsibility with, to be married to, then WHY WHY WHY isn't she old enough to operate a telephone or motor VEHICLE?!?!?!??????

Because she's a basket case? Well, how did she come to be convinced that she is either incapable of doing things for herself or that she doesn't HAVE to? I'd bet it has a lot to do with capital D-A-D-D-Y. It was his mess. Then you married; now it's your mess by proxy. Still, according to the laws of stepparenting (in which the "parenting" half is just a kind word for standing around pissed off with your hands tied behind your back) you can't say boo to Prozac Muffy. Be glad of this. At the same time, poke Dad in the eye and remind him that because you're his life partner, and he promised to honor and respect you not so long ago, that he has to handle Muffy with both of your interests at heart.

You don't need to like Muffy. She shouldn't be living with you anyway, and family gatherings are generally infrequent enough as to avoid serious need for harmony. However, you do need to be able to honestly require of your husband open communication about your needs and expectations and evidence of his dedication to those needs. That isn't above and beyond the agreement of marriage, it's the bare minimum.

Wow...you sure summed up alot of my feelings datura81...*sighs
I feel every word of what you have said...heart and soul...and I am trying not to cry at this very moment because I want desperatly to go wake up "A" and tell him what I found online (about what she refers to me as) and a million other things...however, whenever I bring the subject up he *sighs and rolls his eyes like *here we go again*...and he thinks I am over reacting a bit and says he is doing his best and that these issues won't be fixed over night...and I do know that - I have told him that...it just gets me madder because he has been supposedly trying to help things along for 3 or so years now...I am supposed to be patient huh??? Well I was...but I never see any progress...but he says I am wrong and that everyone else (his sons-their wives-family friends etc...) think she is doing better and improving...well great fine wonderful for them...but they don't have to accomodate her and live with her during her
*leasurly *stroll through college...
And about him not seeing any of this...funny he can help others with problem children...he is a counselor at an elm. school afterall...but he can't see all of this...blind eye. Bottom line is he knows she has issues and all of that but he is more content to let her take her sweet time and let things fall into place while I take step after step closer to a nervous breakdown...and god only knows what this could keep doing to our marraige in the long run... - funny thing is that I have expressed this and he knows this and yet nothing changes or motivates him...
Like I said before I want to run in the bedroom and wake him up and tell him how upset,scared, fustrated, and hurt I am...and I have done this many many MANY times...and it ends with him telling me he knows there are problems but that I am magnifying them and over reacting...so I reply by saying *well that is the problem...this is real to me and I do not feel I am over reacting* - still it goes no where - he says/promises to keep her chugging along and get things straightened out and talk with her about these things so she knows how things are going to be for this summer and with the tuition and trnsp. issue...but does it ever happen? LOL - nope! So she comes here on Friday for a month...he said he will be having that talk with her...and meanwhile I am crying in the corner dreading her walking into this house, having to eat meals with her, look at her, breathe the same air...this is turning out to be more anxiety provoking than past times...and I just am feeling like wanting to crawl into my closet and sleeping till she leaves...
Like I said datura you hit the hammer on the head with your post...said everything I have been thinking and feeling...which is good right? Then why do I get a bad name from others like this is all my fault or something? I didn't do anything? Did I?

In my opinion, you should share the on-line journal with your husband. Step Moocher obviously isn't trying to keep it private by placing it on the world wide web. It is obviously bothering you and is just working to create more tension/stress for you. I think you should discuss it with your husband. He absolutely needs to know what is going on here. In essence, what you are doing is covering up for her and enabling her to be a brat.

If it were me (which obviously it is not), I would also confront the step moocher one on one. People that "talk big" behind others back are really cowards afraid to say it to your face. Usually, when confronted they have no idea what to do but they know that you won't allow them to get away with that crap without being called on it. Bottom line here is she is dissing you, she is the one that should be cowering away from you, NOT vice versa. Confronting her also makes her face the consequences of her actions. I'm not suggesting confronting her as a step-parent to step-child rather as an adult to adult. It's beyond time for her to be held accountable for her behavior. She's attacking you personally and publicly and if you don't call her on it face to face you are essentially giving her permission to continue her behavior.

I don't know, I think showing him the journal could backfire in a big way. No matter what you do, she's still going to be Daddy's little angel, and trying to prove otherwise could make you look like the Wicked Witch of the West. If he confronts her with what's in the journal she'll figure out that you told him about it and hate you even more. No, it's not exactly private, but the internet's a big place and the chance of someone stumbling upon it who shouldn't is just as great as the chance that someone would sneak in her room and read a regular journal. She doesn't think of herself as an adult (even if she claims she is one when she wants her way) or she wouldn't be acting so helpless, and she's going to get defensive and resentful if you call her on all her crap - just like little kids do.

I know it's hard with her being such a negative force in your life, but try to be as positive as you can. Kill her with kindness if you think that will help - it'll at least annoy her, which could be fun. :D At the very least, find something to do that will get you out of the house and away from her. A obviously has a long history of catering to her, and he's right - this isn't a pattern that can be broken overnight. But do try to extricate yourself from the middle of this as much as you can. This is a problem that's been going on between them for a long time and you just don't have the power to solve it.

Ladibug...

Good posts have followed (high 5'ing Dat). It is such a sensitive subject showing someone you love their blind spots. I would encourage you to find a way and do it soon. Every couple develops a way to talk about sensitive subjects...just dont let your self-talk make you wait!


I agree with dmb too. An online journal is NOT private. This is NOT the same as looking at her diary that she forgot to put away. If she wrote this on the bathroom wall...would you show your husband...or would you clean the wall and pretend it wasnt there. Denial will not help. Just because she has no discretion...doesnt mean you do not need to take action. Take it and put 'muffy' in her place.

I know it is a difficult subject. I have 4 children...and my daughter is a bit younger...15. I have tried to make it clear to Lucky (my love) that SHE, Lucky, is first in my life and to let me know if it every feels different to her. Some men find it hard to trust a second woman enough to make her number one in his life. Hopefully that is not the case for you.

Although surprised that your hubby is a counselor...I guess it makes sense. The mechanics car doesn't run...so the conselor should have an unrully 'child' that he can not communicate with.

You should feel lots of support from this board. Although we each find a different path to hand this issue, we DO learn from sharing with each other what works for us. I am confident that you will find the way to work through this...and I look forward to reading how it was done.

Best of luck...

The IrishKid

just a tiny bit curious, ladie: when you met your husband, was he divorced free and clear and for a long period of time? or was he in the middle of a divorce? or still married? do you suppose his catering to daughter comes out of guilt for breaking up his family? are relations with the ex-spouse cordial and adult?

After reading every single post here, and before I'd got to Melisande's, I thought to say to you that it sounds very much like your husband is acting out the guilt he feels about his marriage break up.

Personally, I would take him up on his offer to you of a plane ticket back to your family to spend Christmas with them this year. Might be just what he needs, and definately sounds like you need to be away from this crapola. Sometimes distance works wonders. Doesn't sound like you'll have the Christmas you're dreaming of if you're feeling such angst at the very thought of it.

Gillian

Irish One question... How can you say that your daughter is number 2? I just don't understand that .. Or maybe I'm reading this wrong.....

I dont think you should be numbered as to who is important or more important.. they all share roles ... If it was lucky being unreasonalbe to your daughter that's wrong and vice versa....

My suggestion is call it like you see it...Me and My husbands son are both as important to him So I guess I am confused is all...

I think the question of whether he feels guilty or not for divorcing her mother is completely MOOT, because of course it's a resounding "yes". Having divorced parents hasn't crippled anyone I know, at least not anyone whose parents didn't treat them like an emotional Quasimodo out of guilt. My ex-roomie's mother treated her like poor baby and instilled in her man-hating and mistrusting values, which did nothing but convince her that her father was fifty times more devilish than he actually was, and also convince her that she is irreparably damaged all due to, of course, her father, which allows her to be a completely crappy person and still channel all of her blame and anger onto a dad who wasn't around enough to actually make her anything one way or the other. It's a crutch, which is what Step Moocher, or as I like to call her Prozac Muffy, is using too. And good ol' dad, anytime he gets tired of having emotionally obese Muffy leaning on him, gets slapped with a guilt trip, "WAH WAH you made me this way, you were a bad dad so now you have to FIX ME!!! FIX MEEEEEEEE!!!!"

Is there any way on earth you can rush him, no, airlift him to a family counselor? Buddy can't see the forest for the trees, and he's allowing himself to be played like a Stradivarius, and in time she'll get rid of you too, if she isn't stopped. Throw a little spike strip into her rampage; get them into counseling. She's getting inflated just like a balloon at the thought of all the trouble she's causing; the more she gets away with, the more pervertedly happy she is. Of course she can do anything she likes, but unfortunately right now she likes making your life hell. Take away her pay-off and the behavior will stop. Go home for Christmas. If you really feel like growing some kahunas, tell hubby you're not coming back until he's seen a counselor.

I'm dying for an update. If you want him to know how you feel without looking like a brat yourself, print out some responses from us. I can tell this is a lot more serious than he is willing to admit, but he might not wake up until it's too late unless he has some assistance. Unfortunately anvils don't fall out of the blue except in Road Runner cartoons, so he needs to hear it from what he considers an impartial judge.

Now let me get this right, you are 23, you left all your family and friends back East to marry this guy who is a counselor and hasn't figured out how to make his wife and her happiness number one in his life? Something is seriously wrong here, I'm sorry to say. Unfortunately for you, I don't think it's all about the daughter, either. You gave up a great deal for this guy!!!!

You cannot control other people's behavior. You can only control your reaction to it. The book "how to change somebody else" has never been written and never will be. Honestly your posts sound almost like sibling rivalry between you and the daughter. What a terrible position to be in!

My advice to you is YOU go to counseling. Tell your husband you are going because YOU have had it! Also tell him to deal with his daughter himself, because you have had all you can take and let it go. THEN YOU go by yourself and figure out why you put up with all this BS and how to set boundaries with both him and her. You need to take care of yourself and your mental health and figure out what you are going to do if none of this changes, because from where I sit, it doesn't look very promising.

Think about it seriously, ok? If that doesn't wake him up, nothing will!

I agree with Rolls and Pink on this one...

Although i'm not now and haven't been a step-mom, i was in a relationship for around 3 years where my OM had a son around my age... he hated me and wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge my presence for about the first year. Then, one day when his dad was at work i knocked on his door to ask a question. Your step-daughter sounds a lot like this kid... never held down a job, always wanted a ride, thought life should be handed to him on a silver platter and everything was always everyone else's fault. From that day i knocked on his door and really started talking to him, we began to take some really slow steps. I never tried to tell him to clean all the crap that he left around, but i made sure he knew they were there and subtly hinted that maybe someone should clean them up, etc. etc.

Everyone's already said all this about not asserting too much authority, but i have to reiterate it because i really agree. I became "J"s friend, someone he learned he could turn to and trust. Even if all i did for him was lend an ear in hard times, he respected me for it and in turn started to shape up a bit.

I have a step-mom now that is just absolutely amazing... and i think that's because she started out never pushing anything, not even a friendship. She really let me take my time and turn the relationship into what i wanted it to be. And now she can tell me whatever the heck she wants because in my eyes she is my other mom.

I'm in a relationship now and my OM has 4 kids... 1 older than me and one my age (the other two aren't far behind) and all i'm doing now is trying to follow the path that my step-mom carved in her relationship with me. I'm letting them decide what they want our relationship to be... granted Irish is very understanding, a great father, and a great significant other, i would feel very comfortable going to him if i thought i had a "problem" with one of his kids. I think open and honest communication with your hubby and letting the step-daughter really try to discover herself, allow her to make her mistakes will do a lot for you. Shoot, she's only 21... i'm only 21... i have a TON to learn about life, as does everyone regardless of age.... let her take responsibility for her own actions and watch how fast she starts to grow and mature.

i'm with you on this predicament, Ladie (and MerA)... best of luck

whewwwwwww that was a lot of typing
~Lucky

ladiebug ladiebug fly away home? where'd you go? last seen December 11. Hope things are going o.k.

Hmm.... Well... I am not married to my OM "yet." But I would call it an un "official" marraige since we live together and have the same bank account, share cell phone plan.. an so on... And with it comes the 3 kids. 1 is full time, and 2 are every other weekend.

When I first moved in with my OM, the full time one ("k") was adorable little innocent 9 year old. Now is is 11 and seeing how he acts is heartbeaking. He is a very smart boy and he knows how to run circles around people. As he did around me! :D But after he realized I wasn't going anywhere and my authority over him grew and grew, he started to give me a chance... and he would rant and rave about me to his grandparents, to his friends. But once I had to start playing the motherly role, telling him to do chores, saying no he can't spend the night at a friends house... and so on.... I suddenly because the meany. And in fact he told his grandma last night that I am not nice anymore, and I am always telling him what to do, but I am still "pretty cool."

Hearing those words from her stabbed me in the heart. I don't want to be the meany! But I also don't want to be his maid, and have to pick up after him all the time. Besides he is really spoiled. He gets everything he wants. And I think the part that frustrates me the most is... he was already 9 years old when I came into his life, so he had already adapted to a life style of laziness, whinning for things.. and there is nothing I can really do to change it. Because that is the way his father raised him. All I am do is enforce the new rules and go from there.

I don't know exactly where I am trying to do with this thread, but I hope it makes a little bit of sense.

Guys I am sorry .. I deleted the all the posts from this thread from January on.... There was a honest personal attack on Ladiebug and I wanted to make sure it was squelched now before it went any further... Although I agree with what you've ALL said considering I am in those shoes myself... but I just don't want any more further attacks on Ladie and/or Pink...Not by any of you but by Pale....

we are on this board for support not to be personally attacked. Ladie was being unfairly treated... and that's not what ageless is about... Please from here on in lets please keep this cordial and no more attacks....

I deleted all the other posts because Pales post was very harsh...and a few had some quotes attached from that post and so I felt it necessary to try and correct this..

I meant no harm to either of you women...

Thanks!!!!
Mer

That was very big of you, GodMOD, and I am very proud to be your personal hitman............LOL