venting - ignore if ya wanna

I met Matt(bf 33) at a bar about 9 months ago, I guess. I had basically been drunk for about a year. I had lost my husband of 30 years about a year before that, and couldn't deal with anything anymore. I didn't smoke cigarets(can we get a spell-check please) or drink. I wasn't a prude or stuffy, I just didn't need these things in my life anymore after I married my husband and we had a family and I was a Mom. After he passed awy I became a drunken, honorless **** pretty much. I am actually lucky to be alive. I would get out of work at 11:30, go to the bar,. Do whatever I would do, attempt to drive home(actually had a minor wreck once) around 4:30am. Sometimes pull into another bar parking lot and sleep in the dead of winter because I couldn't keep the truck on the road.

I met Matt. A drunk, but when you are one yourelf it doesn't seem like a real character flaw or problem. When we got into the early stages of the affair he warned me not to try to change him. He likes to party. No big deal, 'cause, me too.

We wound up living together in my house. He had his car I had my truck. I'd meet him after work. We would have some drinks and party a tad and go home and be in love I had to sell my house for financial reasons having to do with the loss of my husband, and my outrageous, irresponsible lifestyle. Matt and I moved into a cute little apartment and he pays some of the bills, and I pay some of them.

Then came the whole seizure thing. I never had them before and I woke up one morning in my living room chair with Matt looking at me trying to figure out what was going on. And over a couple months my condition progressed to the point that now I can't drive or drink.(Providential intervention?) A few months before Matt had wrecked his car(hitting a deer on the way to work, not drunk driving) So, we had my truck, and I can't use it, so he drives it to work now. And to the bar after work. That's what iron workers do. His Dad was an alcoholic. Matt went to rehab once and quit for 3 years because of a DUI and probation. But he doesn't have any interest in quitting now. He gets up every morning and goes to work. Not a bum.

So, the one issue in our lives that is driving us apart is his driving my vehicle drunk. I know that if he loved me enough he wouldn't.
I can't afford collision insurance on the truck, so if it gets wrecked I'm screwed. Sounds like I'm only worried about my truck here, but I'm worried about him too(don't want to lose another person Ilove) but it's his life. and now I am sounding like some obnoxious reformed drunk but the air has cleared since I quit, and I know that I have very little in my life and can't afford any kind of hit. I don't want to lose Matt, or my vehicle. and I still have a big truck payment.

Anyhow, so, Matt pays my rent and utilities. I pay truck payment, insurance and all my other bills. I will be screwed monetarily if he leaves, he will be screwed, I will be alone, he'll be out partying. I will be very screwed on many levels actually.

Yikes. It's all too complicated. A month ago when I moved, he worked like a frikkin horse to help me move. He is a good guy, and has helped me out a lot, and thinks I am nagging and that I don't appreciate him. I am NOT a nag. But I guess I am turning into one. Who's fault is that?

It is so complicated. don't know what to do but I guess let it play out. Last night I told him he can use my truck for work, but I want it home after work and he can get a ride to the bar(which won't happen because we live too far away) That didn't go over big. I didn't even ask him to quit drinking - just drink at home. This hasn't worked.


I used to hang off his dick. Rub his back and his feet because I just loved to touch his body. Get up at 4:30 and make his coffee and lunch. The feelings of love that are just part and parcel of the whole thing. The other night I felt it go. :0( it makes me so sad.
Even sex(which was magical) is leaving me cold because I don't feel he respects me and that makes me not respect him.

Matt has a lot of good points. A lot. But this one issue is turning the whole relationship into something ugly. I see where it's going and it makes me sad to my soul.

But its amazing to me that sometimes our SO doesn't understand how much we love them and see our concerns as nagging.

And you have every right to be concern. It has nothing to do with changing him, that's not what you're asking...you're asking him to be a little bit more conscientious of the fact that this truck is the only means of transportation for both of you and you can't stand to lose both of them.

He obviously doesn't want to really grow up, or maybe he wants to wait until he kills someone instead of a deer to do so. That's quite irresponsibile of him but since you both had exhibit the same behaviours on that front, you have to admit that if it weren't for those seizures you would still be out there right along with him, not caring whatsoever for him, yourself or your families. He doesn't see it as his problem (the seizures) why should he make any changes to his life. Except that now that the fog has cleared you're seeing things a little bit more clearly now, I'll wager. You both had selfish motives for being with each other and now you're both are not operating on the same page anymore, there's the conflict.

Its time to sit down and talk and make some plans. Its time to also make some contingency plans in case he does walk out. Its not an easy situation and it is complicated at best, but there's no reason to think that any of it can't be worked out. It would depend on your level of committment, but from what you wrote, committment was base on alot of external factors nothing else. So be prepare for him to walk out. You would need to catch him on a clear head moment and present your concerns in a non-combative, non-defensive sort of way. Play it by ear if you want to give ultimatiums but remember that once you make them you've got to stick to them. Good luck....lots of prayers for your health and the capability I'm sure you have for making a right decision for both of you.

Paris

I am so sorry for this situation. I can totally understand that year of drinking and partying you went on. One of my best friends lost her husband (the love of her life..they were a magical couple) and went through the same thing as you.

I only wanted to comment on one thing and that is you said if he loved you enough he wouldn't be driving your truck while drunk. Well, I do not believe that. Alcoholics love their alcohol. That is what motivates them and their life is driven by that. My grandmother was an alcoholic and she loved us. She loved her children, her grandchildren but she loved her booze too. We would get calls from the local bar where she hung out saying to come pick her up at 2 am. I can remember my mom having to drag us kids out at that time because we were too little to leave alone and seeing my grandmother like that. We found her passed out on the floor of her house with her head bleeding before. We poured out the booze...we pleaded with her...we had her come live with us all at various times or one of us would go "watch" her...we had her committed to the State hospital...nothing worked until she was ready. She finally did get sober thanks to AA and a halfway house.

So if you plan to stay with him (or let him keep living with you) I can only recommend you start going to Al-Anon meetings. No amount of nagging or begging or rational talking with him will make him "see" this. You need to get some real support. Take care hun. This is a hard situation. I wish you all the best.

((((HUGS))))

I admire how clear you can see your own situation, Abby. I think you have understood it so well, and you know that there's nothing you can do for the couple without his help. It would be so good if you could have a long talk with him and explain that it's not a question of wanting to change who he is, but what is going to happen to you as a couple if he doesn't change some things.

My father was an alcoholic. He only stopped when he had to strokes. Nothing before, not the divorce from my mother, not the sadness of his children, not the new marriage or the new baby, nothing stopped him before. He never really wanted to stop. But I know of people who have, and I think we should have hopes, while looking for help. And we have to know when to give up, too.

The only short term solution for you, considering you have financial difficulties, is that he changes. If he doesn't, you'll have to look for ways to be more independent and maybe find your way all alone, and then we are talking long term decisions.

If love is still there, the situation is bearable, but if it's not there anymore, there's no reason to stay and you will have to plan your exit. That may look too rational, and it is, but that's how I would probably deal with this situation myself. :(

both of these responses are helping me out, Paris, Tru.

"That's quite irresponsibile of him but since you both had exhibit the same behaviours on that front, you have to admit that if it weren't for those seizures you would still be out there right along with him, not caring whatsoever for him, yourself or your families. " That is very true and embarrassing. I would be.


I don't believe that everything in our relationship is based on those external factors, or the fact that we mutually were needy of certain material things. He was alone, me too. Together things are much better for us both. We have fun and care for each other. I do love him, and I believe he loves me, as much as he is capable.

Tru, thanks for your insight about the alcoholism. I always gauge his love by that common denominator. That he puts his drinking above his caring for me. But maybe it is out of his control.

I am going to look into Al-Anon. The big drawbacks to that is that I work nights, and that I have no way to get anywhere. But I will look into it and see what I can find. I never thought of it.

"No amount of nagging or begging or rational talking with him will make him "see" this. You need to get some real support.

Matt told me that he knows that nagging will only fuel the furnace, which ticks me off. It's like saying, "when I'm ready I'll deal with it, until then, pipe down"

My plan was just to de-relationship the whole affair. Tell him he can use my truck for work. Only. I'll continue to pay the truck and insurance and he can pay rent and utilities. They come about to about equal. We will both have a nice place to live, and a vehicle to drive. Other than that we're on our own. It would be easier than the constant undertones of relationship and emotions I think.

Sounds like a good idea, but even last night when I was so mad, I wanted to get in bed beside him and snuggle -only-which would signify my caving, so I slept on the couch and never joined him in OUR bed.

Why can't the phone ring and it would be him saying, "you're right Abby. I love you and don't want to lose you. I know you're not nagging Baby, and I don't want to lose you. I do need you so much. What can I do?"

Thank you Maria. I am not sure what "plan B' , or my exit plan would possibly be. But I do know that life goes on and people survive changes. I probably won't just die!

I know Matt has a hard-core problem, but I also know that he can be a very strong person if motivated. Been trying to think of things would moitivate him, but I don't think that is in my power. ie- your grandfather. Short of the eventuality of something bad happening, another dui, jail, injury of self or opthers, wrecking of our only transportation, I don't know what would motivate him.

He's not a low life. He's a sweetie, but can't see the forest for the beer. I guess I was like that too. Partying is lots more fun.

I wish he could just stop for one or two beers. I can go to the bar and not drink and have a decent time. But it is ingrained in him.

...in his DNA.

Good thing I'm so frikkin perfect.

You ARE perfect the way you are.

With or w/o alcohol, smoking, drugs or any of the other vices we pick up in this mortality, we are given such gifts that we don't know at times what to do with it.

After all our lives are a learning experience, a growing experience and we all have to learn and grow at our own pace. We can't "run faster then we can walk".

You're learning, and if this guy has good qualities that you feel you can live with, then work with Alnon to learn how to support yourself and him until decisions are made. I've seen plenty of miracles, even in my own dad who I thought would never stopped drinking and smoking. Unfortunately, the smoking stopped a few years before he was diagnois with cancer, but hopefully your guy won't wait until other external factors decide his fate for him.

And yes, you have to stop the nagging. He knows how you feel, now let him think on it a bit and come to his own conclusions. I wouldn't stopped being loving and nurturing as you were before, but I would find ways to show him that you are supportive and will be there for him no matter what, that is if saving this relationship is what you want to do.

Just because we don't like what someone is doing doesn't mean that you need to stop being his friend. Be that friend and believe in him. Of cause if you can't deal with the whole situation, then leaving is your other option, but don't deny the both of you the opportunity to "take care" of each other during this time. But unless he's abusing you while he's drinking, this can be worked through.

Paris

Paris - have tomake this short so I don't miss my ride to work.
Matt is never mean to me. Thank God for that. He is not abusive. Sometimes he will say something in his own defense when he is drunk, but it is still not mean.


Thanks for the encouragement.

later

Read my post under Chit Chat called "Who's driving?.."

Imagine this....... you were on "autopilot" and at some point you invited this other person to "ride in your car" with you. One day you wake up and realize that your car is careening for a an embankment and your partner is behind the wheel driving irresponsibly.

Do you jump in the front and take over the wheel? It is your life you know. Do you sit in the back and watch him destroy both of you? Now THAT would be a waste!

He won't change or grow up until he is ready and that may never happen. YOU are more aware and awake now, and CAN CHANGE ....... you CAN take the wheel and drive yourself to safety!! You CAN ask him to be more responsible or remove himself from the vehicle!

I understand the situation is complex and the light you seek is not at the end of the tunnel yet. Try to find a way to draw some lines, set some limits (boundaries) that will protect you and your car! (not your real car, lol)

*hands you a permanent marker*

In the end, you will see past the fog and emerge on the other side with clarity, strength and pride for taking care of yourself and moving in a positive direction.

Have faith ~ take a jump ~ and believe that you will either learn to fly or land softly in a better place.

Here's a link to an Al-Anon on-line msn group. I just did a Google search on Al-Anon and there's many sites there you can get information from. So, maybe you can go to meetings without leaving your room! I send hugs and understanding.

Al-Anon On-Line (http://groups.msn.com/Alanon)

Love,
Gillian

The reason this relationship can't work, is because it was based on ALCOHOL to begin with. You both partied, you both were into the same lifestyle. YOU have changed, which is good for you! HE isn't ready to change. He may not be ready for quite some time, if ever. The relationship can never be what it was, because it was based on alcohol to begin with.

I think the best thing to do, is cut ties with him, find another way to get around, find a more supportive place to live (maybe be roommates with someone who doesn't drink) and move your life in the direction you need it to go in. Don't let this guy drag you down, and he will as long as he continues to drink like he does.

there are two things that happen when you are a drinker...you either stop or die. Hadley

Abby,

I'm a widow too, and I've been there. But I think the reality is that it's awfully hard to live in an alchoholic relationship stone cold sober. It just doesn't feel right - probably on a lot of levels - but the driving of the truck is certainly a concrete example.

I think it's perfectly OK to start making your way towards acknowledging the part this relationship has played in your life, feeling gratitude for the good things about it, but seeing how it fits into your life going forward from today, not backwards into yesterday. Without regrets or bitterness, I think you'll find that this person isn't the best match for the new person that you are becoming.

And that's perfectly OK. You don't need to punish yourself for your previous excesses by not allowing yourself to move on when it's time.

And it sounds like it's time.

Thank you everyone for your responses to my posts. I have read them all but I do not have time to respond. Going to go forget my problems for the day and go Christmas shopping before I go to work so it will be a full day and I won't be on here. And, I will be buying Matt's present too. Had a good night last night(I can hear the groans now) - I'm not fooling myself, but am going to put it on hold until after the holidays. What I am putting on hold is kicking Matt out, but I will still be dealing with the prob. Maybe it's like a time frame for me. A boundary so to speak.

Maybe it's bullshit.

Love you guys,