Hurting

I have been reading posts on this site for some time and have finally decided to post myself. I was involved with a ym 10 yrs my jr. that I met at work. He was new to our dept and I knew that he liked me, I also knew that I was really attracted to him but resisted the whole thing at first- we had so much in common it was uncanny. There was something about him that I was really drawn to- the next thing I knew, we were dating and it was great. We were so happy, we got along perfectly and we just connected on a level I have never experienced before. He was a breath of fresh air for me - then I screwed everything up.

I went home to visit my family and the last 4 days of my visit he decided to come up and spend the rest of my vacation with me. My Mom met him and liked him, as did the rest of my family, there was no problem until I started listening to all the negatives my Mom started feeding me. Not about his charachter, just more or less, he was moving back home 2000 miles away, what about my daughter becoming attached, that kind of stuff. Needless to say, when we got back home I had "the talk" with him about how we needed to stop seeing eachother because he wanted to move home (he didnt know when), and I was becoming attached and it just wasnt going to work out. He was upset, said he didnt know why I was doing this and why couldnt we just go with it. I said I was sorry it just wasnt going to work, I was afraid of what I was starting to feel for him and the uncertainty of it all. He left and I cried (later he told me he did the same) and I just felt really empty. The next day at work he said he wasnt finished with me and he wanted to try to make it work, I was happy because deep down I wanted to be with him.

Then the real problems started. He began pulling away from me, made excuses for not being together. That weekend was our first apart, we had an argument about it, then he came over and it didnt feel the same, kind of awkward. He left and I saw him the next day at work, still a little distance. The next day he says he has something to tell me. He informs me that he slept with the girl that lives next door the night before,she had been pursuing him for a time and I was aware of it because he told me all about it. She also knew he was with me and decided she wanted him anyway I guess.

Everything kind of went downhill from there. I told him we couldnt be together, he said he was sorry that he didnt mean for it to happen and he wanted to keep trying to work things out. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach, I was so upset. That night I went out to happy hour with some friends, got drunk, slept with an ex (on purpose). I told him the next day, he was so mad that he left the office, I followed him, we went to my house and talked. He said we needed to stop seeing eachother, that we needed some time to sort things out, that we couldnt keep hurting eachother like that. I reluctantly agreed. We never truly stopped seeing eachother, but the relationship was riddled with problems.

Fast forward a couple of months........he has a falling out with his roomate and needed a place to live-fast. Of course the girl next door offered, but he said he was not comfortable with that. Then he asked what I though about him moving in, I said I thought it was a bad idea. We had too many issues we were still trying to work out. The long and short - he moved in with her because he couldnt find a place he could afford. I kept trying to end it because the situation was a mess, emotionally I was a mess. He kept telling me how unhappy he was with her, that he wanted to be with me, lays in bed next to her and thinks about me. I told him that he had some decisions to make. Meanwhile we are still sleeping together, things just got messier, he kept telling me he was trying to figure it out, he didnt want to lose me.

Since then, I have lost my job, when that happened I figured we should break the ties, not see eachother anymore because it was wrong. Several weeks ago he came by unexpectantly, told me how unhappy he was, that he didnt want to be with her, that he thinks about me all the time, that he is comfortable with me and that he doesnt connect with her like he does with me. We hugged, he said he would call me and let me know what he had decided to do. Several days later, I messaged him and said that we should have no further contact. Now I am absolutely miserable, I miss him so much. What am I supposed to do? I know this is lengthy, but ANY advice would be appreciated, I feel so unhappy and lost.

I honestly don't know that I have any words of wisdom to offer here. I'm sure there is more to the story, but from what you've written, it already sounds quite dramatic here. Seems as though neither one of you really knows what they want, and as a result, have each other going back and forth like yo-yo's. From where I'm sitting, you are both guilty of game playing and toying with one another's emotions. You have each created this roller coaster ride. I don't know how any of it can be salvaged unless each of you is willing to stop all the games, and start over from scratch. It is understandable to have doubts in any relationship, but you can't expect to be wishy-washy, numerous times and have that person stick around. There is only so much one can take of that. And you both are doing it to each other. You each need to make a decision, and then stick to it. One way or the other. You also may have to prepare yourself for the possibility that the damage may have been done, cut your losses, and try to move on.. this time knowing better what you truly want.

If there is a way to salvage things, then you both have to have the determination to see it through. Why do you change your mind about him so much? Is there something that deep down you know is just "not right"? I don't know.. you need to search yourself for those answers and hopefully come up with something you can stand for.

I hope you can resolve this one way or the other, and I'm sorry you are going through this. Hopefully things will work out for the best for each of you, whichever way that may be.

My first impression is that he doesn't deserve trust. He is with you, sleeps with her, he's with her, sleeps with you, how can one trust this man?
I don't know your ages, but I suppose the age is not a problem there, the problem is that he doesn't know what commitment is. You'll probably have to wait a long time for him to mature, if ever he gets there. Men cheat at all ages, and some never stop.
I think you have to resist and learn how to get over him, even if it's painful, at least it's a pain with an end, while staying with him may mean endless pain.
Love shouldn't make you feel this bad.:(

I know that trust would be a huge issue for me with him, and I have told him this many times. He is 23 I am 33, it seems more and more I am feeling like a 23 yr old in this situation. I have never in my life let someone put me on a roller coaster like this. I guess the reality is, I am equally responsible for allowing it to happen. In the past I have always been the kind of person to say - hey its not working, time to move on. Why cant I do that now?? I have always been a pretty strong person and I dont let people take advantage or walk all over me. I guess I have just never connected with someone like this before and honestly, I dont understand why I'm not letting go.

Have you ever read a book called, "Men Who Can't Love"? It sounds like your bf has a problem with intimacy. He keeps women at bay, by sleeping with other women. Emotionally healthy men don't move in with girls they sleep with but have no feelings for, while calling other girls and telling them they are the ones they want to be with.

Save yourself the pain! LOSE this guy, and fast! Cut all ties, don't IM him, don't answer his IM's or e-mails, and date other men as soon as possible. It's not his age, it's his personality. Trust me, he'll be doing this to you 10 years from now. Take it from someone who knows, and I was a gorgeous, popular, size 5 when it was being done to me. It's not you, it's HIM!

Find men who are emotionally available and monogamous without question. Your mother probably picked up on something if she was criticizing your guy. Not all guys want to move 2,000 miles away. That's another ploy from a man who can't love, to keep you always at an arm's distance. A man who loves you and wants to be with you will move 2,000 miles IN YOUR DIRECTION! There are billions of men on the planet. Have some faith in the abundance of the planet, and some patience, and I guarantee you'll meet a man worthy of you, no pain, no chaos, no drama, no mess, no guess work. Just a happy, mutually loving, sane, emotionally healthy relationship. You're still very young, and I know he's out there for you! Open yourself up to meet him. :)

i don't know about men that can't love. all men can, they just won't.

i think it best, as the sisters have said, to cut yer losses and learn from it. concentrate on finding a job, okay? money will get you through times of no men better than men will get you times of no money.

there's always a first time with a younger man, and now, if you so choose to date one again, you now know what works, what doesn't, what you'll be a good sport about, and what not to accept. i mean, how ya gonna learn how to ride a bike if ya don't fall off a few times?

Ok, I have done this. I have cut the ties, I told him to leave me alone. I told him I wasnt interested in being "the other woman" in a relationship and that his behavoir with me was certainly indicative of his charachter and I would never be in a position to trust him because of it - clearly if he could do it to her, he would do it to me right? This I know to be true, everything you guys are saying is COMPLETELY accurate. The problem is, he keeps coming back to me. Why? Why do I feel such a connection to this person? Why am I lamenting over this ***? I never do this! I am in a tailspin over this jerk and I dont know why. If I were counseling one of my friends about this, I would without question say "Rid yourself of that stupid jerk" Why am I feeling this way? Is it normal to be so irrational over someone that is obviously self absorbed?

Originally posted by lamia
If I were counseling one of my friends about this, I would without question say "Rid yourself of that stupid jerk"

I think this is part of the key right there. Be your own best friend. Sometimes we forget that, and involve ourselves with people, and put ourselves in situations, which we would not advise our friends to do.

Maybe he keeps coming back to you because you let him.

Thank you Genevieve

I think you are pointing out what I already know. Sometimes it helps to hear it from an objective person that can make you look at yourself in the mirror. I need to be hearing this right now.

But did you ladies really read what she wrote...come on...

Lamia, you had a good thing going and then you let other people ruin it for you and you're blaming him. Child, how dense can you be, you choked. ok, let me take a deep breathe here, I feel myself getting worked up with the "I needed reassurance, come chase me crap, I'm scared crap, let me hurt him before he hurts me crap", yada yada yada.

You're all blaming this guy, who although I don't condone his sleeping with the next door hussy, I do have an issue with the emotions and the place for which you, lamia, put him in. You don't do that with other people's emotions. When people hurt, they do stupid things, I'm sure we've all done them and justify them in some way so that it may look good to our sense of morals. This wasn't a trust issue, he trusted you lamia, he believed in you and him, you didn't trust or believe in neither one of you.

You frigging told him after your trip home it was over. Have you ever heard the expression, "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it and not like the consequences". What you did expect would happen once you cut him out of your life, that you were worth becoming a priest for. He made a mistake, we ALL do them, but with you two instead sitting down and talking through it, guess what, you're going to stick the knife in even more deeply and sleep with someone yourself...and now your wondering where did the emotional integrity go in this relationship, well, huh...he shot it into hussy, and you got shot with it with an ex.

then he needs a place to stay, well, heck, you don't want him in your home...which is a good thing, by this time this relationship has so many holes I'm sure you're tripping over each other painful guts, so what does he do, he moves in with the hussy, but now he's got the worst of both worlds and no way to work this out, I can see why its messy.

And through all this you keep telling him its over but then you yank the chain back in, the poor guy is so confuse he doesn't know how to wipe his butt, he is a ym you know...not enough common sense to tell you to go and screw yourself for being so indecisive. All he knows is that he loves you. And all I read is that you love him. How much more beautiful is that? But noooooooo, you both have to play these ugly games where nobody wins and everyone loses.

Do you or do you not love this guy? Then bloody risk it, risk all of it to be with someone you love and that loves you. Unless he's been abusing you, there is just nothing that one can not work through, if they're willing to sacrifrice, learn, grow and work for it. Sitting around having a pity party just absolutely helps no one, except the hussy who has him where she wants him. Start getting angry, and start finding out what you want. You deserve to be in love and happy the same as the next ageless couple.

Paris

TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY agree with Paris

I was going to say , HEY DECIDE WHAT THE HECK YOU WANT!!!!

but I am not posting so much these days, so I left it to Paris, and she is a GEM.

I don't think either of you are crazy.. lol, I believe I said something similar.

I just got hot under the collar there... and elaborated a bit more on what you said. It gets too real with me sometimes...

Thanks Swan...I think you're a gem too.

Paris

Paris, I think she started by having doubts after visiting with her family when her mother confronted her with the reality that he was going to move very far. I think her doubts were completely justified.
She talks to him, has some insecurities, he becomes distant, they get back together, all in the space of a day. And next thing he does is to sleep with his neighbour.

Call ME crazy, but I don't think she is the only one to blame here? Very easy to say she screwed up, well she did a bit when she had doubts, but why should she trust someone whose first attitude is to sleep with the next door girl?

But yes, you are a gem, and you know it. I think it's just that I saw her story under another angle, and honestly, sleeping around at the first crisis is not a good sign.

Ok Paris, now I am really messed up. YES I love him, of course I love him, I wouldnt be in this position if I didnt. There is so much I left out of my original post, I had to cram 8 mos of dramatic crap into one monologue. He has always been so, god, I dont know, so into me and me into him its just strange. When we are together its just "right". There really is no other way to describe it. We are both so confused and we keep coming back to eachother and what I am looking for right now is "are you in, or are you out?" One or the other. Just when I let go he makes an entrance back into my life. How much of it is being 23 and how much of it is being unsure? If he is unsure, why is he trying to get back in my life? Saying no to him is akin to declining the offer of a brand new mercedes - no strings attached! .......yeah right, there are strings everywhere.

I think you both hurt each other - badly. I'm not going to try to figure out who did it first, because honestly, I'm not sure it matters at this point.

Either the two of you need to get down to basics i.e. forget all that crap that went down, truly forgive each other, try to figure out what you need to do to be able to trust each other and find a fresh start, or if that's impossible, stop torturing each other and let go.

Firstly, Lamia, it can work, if the two of you are honest and brave and lucky enough and if the connection between the two of you is strong enough to weather the age gap. But you have to commit to it, once and for all, and stop blowing hot and cold and trying to protect yourself from heartbreak. No relationship can sustain that.

And you both have to figure out some way to express anger at each other than by sleeping with someone else and telling your partner. That's the immature way.

I don't know. There's alot of bad stuff to overcome here, and alot of stuff that it sounds like the two of you need to learn how to do better.

You'll have to decide if you both want to try.

Good luck.

I have to say that I agree with alot of what Paris said. But, either way you go, it seems that you two need some time apart to sort out how you feel and what you want.

Seems that you both care alot about each other and have an interest in each other. Possibly he went after that girl to get back at you for trying to break things off with him.

But, maybe if you two took some time away from each other, things will be clearer to you both.

I just know that I have been in enough relationships, enough to know good from bad. For some reason this one just isnt going down without a fight. Am I romanticizing it? Am I being unrealistic? We are not communicating right now, but we are going on about 2 weeks which is usually the breaking point when he starts trying to contact me. Do I tell him "Hey this is over wish you the best" or "hey we need to talk" ? The hey its over, isnt going over well with him and frankly I hate it. I dont want him out of my life, I love him. I am not a game player, honesty is always best, but ARGGG!!! This guy is driving me nuts! I dont know what to say or do when he does call me.

You have been the beneficiary of some very wise advice here from all the women, lamia. I'd like to expand on what Desert Spring has said.

It's kind of like marriage counseling now, even though you are not married. If you two want to have a relationship, you are going to have to throw out all the "old tapes" from the house and stop putting them in the VCR and start your relationship from scratch....step one, square one. Too much water, (and S**t has gone over the dam), you both have done some pretty questionable things in my opinion and letting your family interfere is almost always a recipe for disaster.

If you LOVE one another, in any way, and wish to continue on, make a commitment to leave the past in the past, forgive each other and move on slowly. Like someone else said, age has nothing to do with it. There's too much game playing going on here right now on both your parts.

IF you want to start anew, sit him down, talk to him about it, see what he says and how he feels and go from there! THAT is what you do.

he is coming over tommorow to help my daughter with her Algebra. I'm going to Miami, I just cant see him right now.

How old is your daughter???

my daughter is 14, and she has always liked him. He was the only one who could help her understand her Algebra. I struggle with letting them stay in touch.

It might be in your best interest to just have distance from each other for at least one to two months. That's it. Just don't talk, email, anything for that time period. At the same time, perhaps agree not to date other people. Just live your lives, reconnect to yourselves, and then see if you want to come back to this relationship. If you do, set up some guidelines...for example, you'll just go on dates, no sleeping over, no sex, for a month. See if you can reconnect without the emotional part of sex. Take your time. Keep asking each other how things are going. Take the pulse of the relationship. Re-learn to trust again. But go slowly. I think that would be the only way I could ever go back to this sort of relationship.

But here is the twist...during that one to two months. You have to right down what you want from a relationship. Not a relationship with this guy, but as if you weren't going to end up with him. Then, when you are ready to have that talk, you should consult that list and see if he can offer you what you want and he can do the same looking at you. And if you don't end up together, then you'll have knowledge of what you want in a future relationship.

What you do have to be careful about is...do you truly have feelings that are honestly about this guy or is it that you just want to be in a relationship? Or the relationship that it was in the beginning, cause it will never truly be the same.

Good luck. Whatever you decide.