how much gap is ok ?

hi every one,
im a 28 yr old male from perth, australia
my girlfriend of 9 months who is 44 has just broken up with me saying our age gap is too much for her to bear and she worries about what people might think of her and how we might reflect on her son ,like putting a mark on his reputation ?

i would like to ask everyone ,
how much gap is there in your relationship ?
and is there a limit ?

many thanks in advance for your input
stuart

The answer of how much gap is too much can only be found in the individual couple. You will find if you read here extensively many, many happy couples with age gaps as big as yours or bigger. The ambivalence of dealing with a large age gap, particularly from the OW, is really common.

There is a 17 year age gap between my b/f and I. I have also had these concerns off and on during our relationship. I suggest that you have your OW come to this site. It helped me deal with my "freak" feelings and also helped me feel okay with my relationship enough to be honest with my family. My children were tremendously supportive and understanding. My concern about their reactions was completely blown out of proportion to their actual reactions. Now I did deal with a weird reaction from my sister, but thanks to support from here and acceptance from my kids (afterall theirs was paramount and if they are okay...then everyone else can LEARN to live with it ;)), I was able to deal with that calmly and reasonably.

Its ALWAYS hard to go against the norm.

Stu, if all that's botherin' her is the age gap, leave her alone. Love doesn't see numbers and she certainly does!
Move on bro!


joe :cool:

holy mother the church, batman, i hope you didn't believe that lame-o excuse of her, stu. this isn't about the age gap at all. it was just her way of getting out of the relationship without looking like an a**hole. which, if you didn't know, is often used by both members of an age gap relationship (i really like you, but you're just too young/old for me!). what they're really saying is they just don't wanna be in a relationship with you anymore, but they feel that would "hurt your feelings". what utter rot.

if she's so bloody concerned about what people think, you'd better off without her. and next time you're dating an older woman and this situation comes up, you'll know just what to do, mate.

Of course there's no limit per se, but there are limits on what certain individual people can tolerate. People can and do think all kinds of things - and always will - and you can't live your life based on what other people randomly think. I suspect what she's trying to tell you is that "she" is uncomfortable with this age gap - and that she isn't really interested in trying to change that. Her right. Relationships with big age gaps aren't for everyone.

If I'm misreading this and she really does want to work on her discomfort level, then obviously send her here to read along for a while. But it sounds like she's already told you what she wants and doesn't want.

My question, Stuart, is has the age difference bothered her from day 1? After all, she has been with you for 9 months. So, she must have some feelings for you.

If the age difference is bothering her, ask her to come check out this site as a guest. She might find the answers she is needing if she were to come to this site. I know that I did. I am 17 years older than my younger man. I am 45 and he is 28. I rarely even think of our age difference since coming here because now I realize that age is truly just a number and that it should never get in your way of happiness.

Originally posted by stu_$

how much gap is there in your relationship ?
and is there a limit ?



There's a 15 year gap between me and my fiance'.. and honestly, I don't think there's a limit when it comes to love.

Welcome to Ageless, Stuart! I am sorry for your breakup.

I am 24 years older than my boyfriend. Your age gap is fine. As Melisande points out, your girlfriend may just be using the gap as an excuse. You might want to ask her to be honest and tell you if she has another reason to end the relationship. If you think that there is still a chance with her, then as Whiterose suggests, tell her to come here to meet us and discuss the issue. If all fails, then hang around here and also check out the new Ageless dating site. You might meet someone new who WON'T have a problem with a gap.

I'm 49 and Greg is 33. We don't really see the age difference now after almost three years (in January). I have way more energy than he does - lazy cow.

I also have two sons, ages 12 and 9. Greg does many activities with them and is involved in their school, sports etc. I've not noticed any fall out for the kids really. I'm so glad he is around for them and actually he is closer in age to most of the parents than me. I'm an older mother by far and my children are noticing it. Greg can relate to all the parents much better than me.

I really do think it's all a frame of mind. If she thinks it's too much, then by golly, it is too much.

Get on the move, she's a goner.

There are many other wonderful women hoping to meet a great guy.

Cindy

Originally posted by stu_$

i would like to ask everyone ,
how much gap is there in your relationship ?
and is there a limit ?


15 years in mine.

I think the limit is whatever you are comfortable with.

As soon as one partner decides they are uncomfortable,
then the relationship is headed for the rocks.

I would encourage you, however, to keep looking for
a quality older woman, meaning one who can
think for herself.

Older women come in all flavors just like everyone
else: stupid, vapid, generous, thoughtful, greedy,
brilliant, ignorant, etc.

It looks like you just happened to latch onto a rather
superficial one. Keep searching and you'll do better,
eventually. ;)

Goodness...I disagree! This totally could be a problem with the age gap. It takes a strong woman.....Sometimes I was not nearly strong enough, and I also almost did not get involved with J, and almost broke up with J many many times over it. And it wasn't because I was shallow, it was because I thought TOO much.

I was horrified by some of the reactions I got, I was shocked by the reaction my kids got, I was thrown by the way some people acted uncomfortable when we were around. We were at 2 completely different stages in our lives....He being only 18 and me being 32. I was worried about an entire slew of issues that came along with the age gap, including the thought that he was too young to know what he wanted....And no matter how he tried to reassure me, those thoughts stuck in the back of my mind for a long time.

However, I did stick it out, and it lasted 3 years...and we are still very good friends. Bella's favorite saying here is...Its not for everyone. And I truly believe it isn't. It take a strong person not to care what everyone thinks. It takes a strong person to deal with some of the issues that come up, etc.

In regards to your question, I agree that the age gap that is acceptable is an individual thing. Each person is different.

If the only reason she broke up with you is the age difference, I hope that she thinks it over again. Maybe you could ask her to stop by this site, where she can see there are many people in the same boat who have made it work.

OK all Im gonna play devil's advocate here, but I dont think the woman's 'concerns' over the gap after just 9 months is uncommon for a 44 yr old woman with a son or even 'superficial'.
I think her concerns are valid and can be addressed within the relationship if there is enough love between them to want to deal with it. I, too, do not think there is any specific age limit we can put on relationships, but the concerns of either partner when one is uncomfortable with it for ANY reason have to be dealt with. Then they both can move on knowing that they did address those issues and could not come to a resolution that worked or decide to stay together with the knowledge that when either of them feel uneasy with their relationship they can confide in the other to work things out. Society does JUDGE and while we can all say wtf...it doesnt matter what others THINK...we all have to live within that society and is the couple/individuals that make up that partnership willing to hold together in face of those judgements? Do they know that life experiences are different and that it WILL cause problems for them...are they willingly to honor the age gap and the individuals that make the partnership enough to stay together to work on? Can they move past blaming the age gap for problems that would be associated with ANY kind of relationship when problems do arise? I'd like to know more about what her specific concerns with the age gap are....is it a fear that she wont be able to bear more children....with financial concerns....with the rejection of family/friends....with age related concerns about her growing older....?? Please do ask her to come here and voice her concerns...there are many intelligent men and women who can help her 'work' through some of the concerns/issues she has....perhaps then you can both make some time to discuss those issues together to make some informed decisions about the direction you both take from here.
GOODLUCK!

stu...


54/32 here. Children are a real concern to any woman worth her salt. I don't know about the things going on in your relationship, but the fact that these feelings are being voiced now isn't necessarily indicative of her trying to get out. They may be tho.

But, I know the age-gap was hard on my son. We live in the same area and everyone talks about everyone. My bf is 32. My son is 26. Almost the same circle. I know I was very worried about it. We have progressed to the point of almost joking about it now, but it took some time. It kind of cracks me up at family gatherings when they both step outside and light one up together!

Anyhow, best of luck. As the other folks said, invite her over - here. We'll set her straight!

Originally posted by joannalee
Goodness...I disagree! This totally could be a problem with the age gap. It takes a strong woman.....Sometimes I was not nearly strong enough, and I also almost did not get involved with J, and almost broke up with J many many times over it. And it wasn't because I was shallow, it was because I thought TOO much.

I was horrified by some of the reactions I got, I was shocked by the reaction my kids got, I was thrown by the way some people acted uncomfortable when we were around. We were at 2 completely different stages in our lives....


Hmmm, this is what some interracial couples or gay
couples have to put up with on a regular basis.

I consider the people acting "uncomfortable" to be the
problem, and I place them in the shallow, superficial
and bigoted category.

The sad thing about living in a community filled with
bigots or small-minded people is that their prejudices
are contagious. Even though one doesn't want to be
like them, one is often forced to take their
positions into consideration ---- especially if you live in
a small town, and feel like you need to have a
"respectable" love life to be taken seriously by your neigbors....:rolleyes:

I guess the bottom line is that we all have different
reactions as to what strangers think of our love life.

I think that a YM's best chances are with an OW who
is self-confident, independent and pretty intelligent.
Someone who is a loner is also a big plus; it means
you don't need approval from "the gang" or "the
crowd."

Funny how that perfectly describes my wife. ;) :p

I'm 49 and Greg is 33. We don't really see the age difference now after almost three years (in January). Hey Cindy! Same here... same gap, same length (only we've been together three years as of last Sept. :)

Moved in together as of March '03 and it is going VERY, VERY well.

I'm 50 and my husband is 24. We've been together for three years, married for a little over two. I've written about any difficulties we've encountered in the chit chat section in the Person of the Week thread.

Good luck. I hope everything will work out for you and that you'll find happiness and peace.

Well, Peachy's 52 and I'm 26! Mmmm. . . what a turn on!!! ;)


joe

Years back, I would not have even considered having a boyfriend 8 years younger. In fact, no younger guys:cool: Now things are differant in my life, as I am very much in love with a younger man. Eight years younger, and I have no problems at all with the age differance. So with age differance, each person will decide for themselves.

Its still harder for the women to deal with!

Hey Stu,

Good question! I'd say you should also read the "other side" of the forum. They have a similar question and there are several women in age gap relationships with men 30 years or older. Everybody over there is like wow, that is so cool, for the most part. I enjoy reading about their happiness.

We women still have a difficult time on "this side" with 20 to 30 year age gaps with men 18-21, in particular. There are a myriad of threads about they are too young, don't know what they want, etc. I know of several women on here who have had rough experiences with guys that age and I understand how they feel. These women have been through some very rough times and I empathize with them.

Yet there are more than a few women on here, myself included, that have a wonderful in real life relationship with a young guy (18-21) with a 20 to 30 year gap. We just don't say much about it. Why? Perhaps fear of criticism? I haven't been here a long, long time so it's hard to say.

Good luck with your gap. It doesn't seem so big to me. :)