Confused!

I have been dating someone 15 years older. I am 26, she is 41. We have been getting along very well. However, she has mentioned that she is scared and cannot accept the label of being someone's girlfriend. It is fair to mention that she is a great person and very loyal. She has mentioned that she wants me around, there is nobody else. She is going through a rough job search and is confused about me. She has been hurt big time by others and wants to take our realtionship slow. I have told her that I will take things slow and I am not going anywhere. But sometimes it seems she talks about her past alot and I can do is listen. What do you think I should do? Is this worth it?

Brian, I am 41, and my bf/fiance, Robin, is 25. I was a real basket case when we started dating. I had been single for five years, was a mother with two children, and every guy I dated before Robin turned out to be "wrong" in one way or another. The age gap between Robin and me freaked me out, but he was so perfect in every way, I decided to date him anyway.

I'm sure it wasn't easy for him. I was paranoid about younger women, I was self-critical a lot, and I absolutely hated it when he went out with his friends. I was sure he'd meet a prettier, thinner, younger woman and dump me. For whatever reason, he held on for the ride. Because he was consistently kind and faithful, I gradually became less paranoid and more confident in our relationship.

Here we are, 4 and 1/2 years later. Both families are happy for us, my kids accept him as their stepdad, I'm very relaxed about his going out when I have to stay home (he always invites me, but I can't always go), and our relationship is very happy and strong. In our case, weathering the storm was worth it! :)

I dont think, its too much of the age gap being a problem. I really beleive that her past is the one that is really bothering her. She seems skeptic of me sometimes, and seems to have relapses of her bad relationships. What do you think I should do?

Brian, when reading your first post, it struck me that maybe you really do know what you should do. It seems you've got a good handle on what the problem is. She has got to have some time to sort out her life. Otherwise, her problems will follow her into any relationship that she has with anyone.

Only you know whether this relationship is worth waiting for. Have you two discussed the possibility of seeing other people while she sorts things out? It might be a good idea. But, if you are reluctant, then the only thing you could do right now is listen to her when she needs to talk. But, fixing her problems is her own responsibility and should be done under the care of a professional. But, you can still be there for her for moral support as long as it does not begin to drag you under. Never forget your own needs.

I know this from personal experience. My ex husband's past followed him into our marriage. Eventually, the line became very blurred between his past and our present. In other words, it got to the point where I personally was lost in all the madness. I began to forget who I was. I was neglecting my own needs.

Just be careful to not get caught up into trying to fix her. Give her some space and let her work on herself.

I'm sorry to disagree with Whiterose but if I were her (Your SO), suggesting seeing other people would be the very worst thing to do as I would immediatley assume that it was because you weren't as intereted in me and the long haul as you claim.

She may be having all sorts of doubts and problems just now over many different things, your relationship and the age gap being just one of many, so I would try to give her space to sort these out but still show her that you are one constant and secure thing she can rely on :)

Brian,

First let me say I can relate to what you're going through. I don't how long you've been together, but trust takes time to be built, especially knowing your SO has been hurt a lot in past relationships. But since you're staying with her it means there are lots of positive things keeping you together. I fear there isn't much you can do to change her, besides being patient. Only her can do her part of the job, only her can learn to trust you. It's true the past gets in the way. I suppose it contaminates the present, in a way she projects her past issues on you, even if you're different from the people she's been with before. I know you probably feel helpless, like she's stuck in the past, replaying it with you. I know this brings a lot of pressure on you. If she is skeptic of you, I'm sure it's only because of her past relationships. Besides telling her it's not the case, and proving it to her with your actions - which I'm sure you are doing - there isn't much you can do. Time will help her trust you. If you feel this relationship has real chances to succeed, if you're committed to make this relationship work, I'm sure she will stop being skeptical. How much time it will take I don't know. After some time, if it seems this relationship is bringing you more suffering than happiness, it may be reasonable to ask yourself whether you want to go on or not.

Cryptic

Thanks for all of the advice. I have talked with my girl about everything that I have been thinking. She was telling me that she really wants me in her life but we just need to take things slow and let it takes its course. Sh just needs time to let everything else in her life makes sense before she can mskes sense of myself. I told her all I can do is just be there and let her figure things out. I keep telling her I'm not going anywhere and all I can do is let things be. I hope I'm doing the right thing, she seems worth it, I just dont want to put pressure on her with everything else going on. I hope to hear more advice, it has really helped. Thanks, Brian