Argh! Frustrated!!

Okay, I have hesitated to post this stuff because I am pretty embarassed about it. But it seems to be a serious issue for me that I can't put aside... so I need to vent to someone.

Okay, here goes. Background: my ym has never really had a serious girlfriend before, and he hasn't had a lot of sexual experience before me. I myself have been married... and had a few relationships before that. My ym and I have been together for over a year, and he's 20 and I'm 30.

Here's the issue: he seems to have a sort of fear that I might be... somewhat using him for sex. I don't feel as though I am. But I am very attracted to him, so I tend to be more physical with him than I have been with past relationships. Or I try to be.

He's very sweet and nice and affectionate and generous. But he is not too keen on us being very sexual together. He always talks about how we should get married in a year or two, and he talks about things like how special it will be when we try to have a baby together and he's really old-fashioned about certain things, and he says sex should be really special and not something people do for recreation (those aren't his words; I'm just paraphrasing). I think that's nice and sweet -- but I have needs!!!!!! ;)

He always talks about us having a future together and we want the same sorts of things from life (to have a family and travel with the kids, experience all sorts of fun things together, which is how he and I were both brought up).

I think that's all really sweet and he's so nice and fun to be with and he is truly my best friend. But... we can't talk about this issue at all. It's the one thing that sort of makes him mad. He doesn't get mean or anything, but he gets frustrated when I bring it up.

It's not that he never gets aroused or anything... he does. But he only wants to 'complete the transaction' about once a week. We don't live together or anything, so it's not super-bad I guess. But I can't help but feel really rejected.

I'm not used to this problem at all. I don't think I'm unattractive. And I would rather this than the opposite -- where ALL he would want would be sex.

I'm not going to ask if I'm wrong to feel this way, because I DO feel this way, whether or not I'm wrong. (I don't think I'm wrong, BTW.)

I just feel so rejected. I guess I'm used to having guys kind of... you know, be more sexual.

I've even wondered... what if he's gay? But that wouldn't explain why he DOES get aroused when we're together.

It's almost a power thing with me... I'm used to having that power over the guys I date. I know that may sound awful, but as a woman I'm used to being the one with veto power, and now he has that over me. But that's not the whole issue.

I definitely do NOT want to break up with him over this. I love him so much and he is my best friend. I just feel so frustrated and this is the ONE THING he and I can't discuss. He gets so defensive and upset, and I think he feels like I am comparing him to my past boyfriends/husband.

I guess I'm just venting. BUT -- I would love to hear if anyone else out there has this problem. I understand if you don't want to post... it was really hard for me to gather the courage to post this. But please, PM me if you have some insight. Or post if you don't mind. Thank you so much.

Embarassed and frustrated,
PinkCat

Hi Pinkcat.

It's very difficult to know for sure what are his reasons for becoming defensive when you try to talk about it. Perhaps it's the reason you say -- maybe he feels like you are comparing him to others and maybe he feels inadequate?? But, maybe if you stop talking about it for a while with him, maybe he'll come around and be willing to discuss it.

I think each person's sex drive can be so different from the next person. But, hopefully he will get to the point where he will see how important it is to you and will be eventually willing to talk with you about it. But, maybe he's feeling pressured right now.

Good luck. I sure know how it feels. :(

The fact that he gets "so defensive and upset" as you say. He would not get that way if it were just a worry that you may compare him to your ex's.
It hits deep with him, so something has happened that is raw inside him. It may be that a previous lover put his performance or stamina or "physical attributes" down.
It may be that he has been abused or inappropriately pursued for sex before.
It may be that he has a deep belief that sex is for procreation, not just fun. Or that is only meant for marriage.
The problem is that you let his defensiveness and upset be in the driver's seat on this important matter. YOU know how important a good sex life is for you, so you need to know more about this issue. Sexual incompatibility has split up many a couple.
He may very well be one of those men who are GREAT husbands, companions, and friends, but want no sex life. They do exist.
A normal 20 yr. old would have sex as much as possible.
Something is not right here.
His defensiveness and upset blackmails you into silence and compliance, and lack of fullfilment, and this is not right either.
It makes me wonder how good of a friend he is to you if he is content with this arrangement that is unfair to you.
Now, as to what to do: It's not a good idea to play "analyst" to your man in this case. If I were you, I would tell him that you'd love a happy life with him, but that you will not have a happy life with sex once a week, and that you want to know and understand all about this subject between you, and that you EXPECT that he, will realize how crucial it is, and will accept discussing it with an MFCC (Marriage-Family counselor)simply because the counselor will know what to ask and how to ask him and you. Tell him you need a sensitive, tactful, and skilled counselor to mediate the discussion between you two, and don't take "no" for an answer. He can't sweep things that are a problem under the rug each time they bother him-what does that say about future partnership together?

Almeiraz
www.yourloveadvice.com

Hi Pink Cat,
Well, I have to agree, a 20 year old, (most 20 year olds anyway), would want sex 24/7, but there are the exceptions.

My feelings is that you might be dealing with a YM with a high moral standing mixed with some insecurities in regard to his sexual experience compared to yours.

As far as YOUR needs are concerned, you CAN "take care of that" yourself if need be.
Have you tried to dismiss sex for awhile and just see what happens?
Yes, many relationships have broke up because of sexual problems, but I think you might want to consider this.
He might be balking at discussing it with you because you come off as though you want to control things and this might be something he refuses to let you control.

My gut feeling is that the two of you have a good and worthwhile relationship and it seems he genuinely wants a future with you.
Leave sex out of it for awhile and see how long it takes for him to pursue you.
I would be as sweet, caring and cuddly as ever, but don't be the one to initiate the sex.
Eventually he will take the lead and you might see another side to all of this.

Hope this helps and good luck!

My off-the-cuff, uneducated, guess is that this young
man comes from a background of abuse (sexual or
psychological)....OR a heavily guilt-laden religious
upbringing.

I can't offer any "advice" on how to "fix" this situation,
but it would be a MAJOR red flag to me if I were in
your shoes, and the relationship would be at risk.

BTW, I don't see how someone can truly be a "best
friend" and still hold back in the area of sexual intimacy.

In my worldview, sex is the ultimate sign of trust,
friendship and intimacy between man and woman.
When a single man and woman are best friends,
in my humble opinion, sex is freely requested and
delivered, not measured out with various conditions,
warnings and admonitions.

Just to add that I tend to agree with Almeiraz in that there seems to be an underlying issue.

Always hard to generalize, but being with a very YM too (Nordic is about to turn 20 soon, too), I will see later today if he can add something to this discussion or provide some helpful insights ;) I will get back to you about it, then ...

As far as YOUR needs are concerned, you CAN "take care of that" yourself if need be.

This is complicated(what relatioship isn't?)

I know you can take care of those needs yourself ;o) but in a relationship, it is not enough. It really doesn't fill the void of having that other human's flesh pressing yours.

Does sound like some kind of moral issues ingrained. My daughter's husband has a very low sex drive. And so does my daughter so they are both very happy with the situation! It may just be a low sex drive. We are all just a soup made of hormones to one degree or the other.

best of luck. I know how frustrating this issue can be. It IS important to get to the cause of it though.

My concern would be that he thinks you are using him for sex even though you've been together for a year. After a year, wouldn't you think you are together because you love each other? For me, sex is an expression of love, not just recreation and is a way to connect. Have you ever said that to him? Also, this is something he has to learn to communicate about. I do agree that a counselor might be the key here...he needs to learn to compromise - you should not have to do all the compromising on this one. Even if it means that you end up having sex only 2x a week, at least you see that he's doing more because he knows that you want more & he's willing to do this for you. That would be my red flag...is he willing to make a compromise for your best interest? Is he able to have a good conversation without getting defensive?

Good luck!

Repeatedly raising the topic is going to backfire on you. Complaining again that you are not getting enough will result in you getting less. Yes, there may be underlying issues that he may or may not want to discuss. Clearly, he sees you as a longterm partner, as he wants to get married. Maybe he wants to minimize the amount of sex he has before marriage. Maybe it's something else? Ask after you have recently had good sex, so it's not about what you want when talking.

I'd wait before talking to him again. When I did my questions would be to why and how things could be different when you get married. I'd also think about adjusting your approach. What works and does not work on him? Try to seduce him in different ways. Observe and use that info.

Women all the time complain that guys need to engage in foreplay and warm them up before engaging in sex. However, I've know plenty of women who think nothing of grabbing a guys crotch and expecting him to immediately respond. Sometimes he will, sometimes he won't. Many women would be much more successful if they seduced their men.

The last time I wanted some and knew she might not, I engaged in a plan to seduce her over a few hours. It worked.

The last few times I've had women think they were making a move om me, they either grabbed my crotch or stared at me funny without anything else. If I am thinking on the same wave length or just horny grabbing my crotch may work, if not, it's less likely to work and mroe likely to turn me off. Ladies, how would you respond to that kind of move? Staring at me funny, did not work at all as I never got any message. Try slowly but gently turning him on over a few hours, then act like sex is not in the picture for that night. That you thought he had to go home or to sleep early. See how it goes.

Thank you so much, everyone! I knew I would get some good support and advice here! :)

Harrison, I totally know what you are saying, but in his case, no guilty upbringing and DEFINITELY no abuse. His family is one of the most supportive ones I have ever seen. Unless the abuse came from outside of his family, which I suppose might be a possibility, but he doesn't act like a typical product of abuse.

He claims he has a low sex drive, just like obsessing was mentioning. Do you suppose that might be true?

I will back off of talking about it with him for a while, because I am tired of it myself! But yes, I agree with all of you who say we should see a cousellor about this issue. I don't know how he will respond to that.

He seems to have a more typically "female" response to this issue, which is interesting. In any case, when we do... it (heh), it's always very special.

BTW, he's not a typical 20 y/o in any other way, so I guess I shouldn't expect him to be in this area either...

Can you live with and respect a low sex drive? If that is the case I doubt if it would get better. I saw a show on TV lately about men who DO NOT want to have sex with their wives and the turmoil it causes in normal sexual women, not feeling wanted or loved. Not to mention horny. It seemed like hell.

I have known two men recently who's wives only had sex with them once a year yet expected faithfulness. Sorry. If my SO would only have sex with me once a year I would be out on the Navy Pier when the ships came in.

I don't know... I guess I can live with and respect it, but I really like to talk things through in general, and on this subject he's freezing me out. Argh! I just wish we could talk about it.

Oh no, what a problem. There could be a multitude of reasons for his reticence. I would definitely suspect my guy of cheating if he didn't want to have sex very often. You need to resolve this ASAP. Sorry, but sex is the main reason for a couple to be together. Otherwise, the relationship degrades into friendship.

He's definitely not cheating -- he wouldn't have the time! ;)

I don't know if I agree that sex is the main reason for couples to be together... I would say it's love. But you are right about things degrading into friendship... I am VERY afraid of that happening.

Actually, that's an issue I have... my marriage ended because I was no longer attracted to my husband... in fact, I would go so far as to say I found him repulsive. I think I may be kind of pressuring my ym because of this.

The trouble all started when I was severely depressed about 6 months ago, and my ym went into 'care-giver' mode... he tried to take care of me, made my getting better a priority. At that point, he didn't think it was appropriate for him to, as he put it, be all worried about me one minute and then try and go at it the next. But I kept on him about it and I think I put too much pressure on him. Actually, he even said that... "You are pressuring me!" And I think I'm still putting too much pressure on him.

But man, I don't see why we can't even talk about it. :(

I'm a little confused about the nature of your relationship. You've been together for a year, you made a reference to "loving him" and he is your "best friend", yet I don't think I read any references to his emotional attachment to you. What have you discussed about your future? Anything? Is this just a long-term dating connection or have you discussed moving in together or marriage?

Perhaps he's holding back because he's not sure how much is "safe" to give. If there has been no talk of future plans, that might be why he thinks you're only in it for the sex.

Can you give a little more insight....

Hi MsPCGenius! Yep, he always talks about us getting married in a year or two, and that I'm the love of his life and everything, and that he can't wait for us to have babies together (we both want two children). In this regard he is absolutely clear about what he wants. This just adds to all the confusion! :)

It sounds to me like he's still figuring himself out sexually, and accordingly he hasn't quite determined what role he wants sex to play in his life, what his fears and fantasies and turn-ons are and how to talk about them, nor has he entirely navigated the virgin-***** stuff that men generally have to reject before they can be completely comfortable with a sexual woman.

If he was 35, then I'd tell you to lose him, but since he's 20, he's entitled to a little more time to work on it. I didn't exactly have the answers to all this stuff worked out when I was 20, either. (Not to say I'm still not working on parts of it).

I'd just focus on making the sex, when you do have it, as good as possible, and when it seems like a relaxed time, talk a bit about things you'd like to try and do sometime. In other words, model talking intimately about sexual enjoyment. You may find that by offering something rather than demanding something of him, that it's easier for him to reciprocate without feeling pressured. Lame as it may sound, I'd also make very sure that he is aware that he is successful in pleasuring you and satisfying and fulfilling you. Guys worry about that and no, you can't say it too much.

If all that doesn't work, then it's probably either counseling or learning to live with less sex - but hopefully the happy way will gradually get some results.

And don't get married until you solve the sexual incompatibility problem. It's important.

WOW! I think that Desert Spring just gave the perfect answer! I agree with everything she said! Give it time and just stay aware. Don't ignore the early signs. Well, I know you aren't but just don't get closer to marriage and start making justifications. I bet all of us who are divorced can look back and see some of the things that ultimately drove us to divorce our spouse, were there all along and we thought we could live with it or change it. Don't go there! Anyway, read Desert Spring's advice again! It was spot on IMHO.