Shouldn't he be at his "peak"?

Ok..this should probably go in the “sexually speaking” forum but I thought it might get more responses here….

I’m curious to know if all of your younger men are very sexual? As in, wanting sex every day/night? My guy is young but doesn’t seem to be the “horndog” that I would think of when I think of a 21 year old. We have talked about it and he says that it is not me but rather that he has something like “performance anxieties” and low self esteem about his performance from previous relationships. I say there is nothing wrong with his performance and that I think he should let go more and not worry so much about it. Easier said than done. According to him, he was at his sexual peak around 18/19 and then it started slowing around 20 up until now. He is a really really shy and quiet guy and I think I might “scare” him in a way lol. I’m 34 and very sexual and open about everything. He has had a terrible childhood and I guess maybe I try to hard to analyze everything and blame this lack of sexual interest on depression, abandonment issues, etc.

Does anyone have any similarities to this? Any suggestions?

Sherrie

Sherrie,

Welcome to the forum, I hope you become a regular participant.

I'd say he has some kind of depression and might need some counseling and/or medication to help him resolve his issues. You are right that he should be very interested in sex at his age.

Some anti-depressants can be sexual inhibitors either in desire or achieving orgasm, not always both.

The question is whether he is content with his life AND his sex drive or not. If he isn't, I think its time for him to take some action to make things better for himself and than in turn will help you as well.

All the best!

While I agree with bubbleee that there may be an underlying factor at work here, it isn't always the case that a guy is at his peak at that age.


In my own experience, it only got better the older I got (I'll be 34 next week). I really have no idea when it's gonna start decreasing, but not everybody is like this.


However, your open approach can only be good for him. Just make sure he knows he can talk about it or express his feelings without anybody chastising him for it.


He already feels comfortable with you, use this to your advantage and let him know that he can communicate any feelings he may have on this issue to you. And tell him to get that idea about having peaked at 19 out of his head, it doesn't wash.


His anxieties need calming before he can ever know if he has peaked sexually.



Good luck,


micky

LovtoLaff, have him try some L-Arginine. You can get it at the health food store or even wal-mart. It increases blood flow to the meat stick. Not only that, but L-Arginine is a required protein for the body.


joe

Hey, LovToLaff! Have you checked out my thread entitled, "Argh! Frustrated!" We are in similar situations!

PinkCat

Also, get him on an exercise program. He needs to lift weights or even take up a sport. Being active, especially for males, is not only good for the body, but good for the libido and "male organ" functioning as well. Lifting weights especially, raises testosterone and increases sexual desire. Higher testosterone means better function, which equals, better performance.


joe

Well, you can count me in as another one having to deal with "doing without!!" :-(

Joe, you made me question something........

Do men with more testosterone naturally want to pick up weights, exercise and do manly things (ie: sports, sex) ??

...... or does the act of lifting weights/exercising actually generate more testosterone???

I was just thinking about my ex. He had phases of working out and lifting weights. Seemed like his working out phases were coupled with him being more sexually active. If I remember right, things cooled off dramatically during his sedentary phases.

Just wondering which comes first, lol ......the chicken or the egg?

Is the hormone generated by more activity, or the lack of the hormone the reason they are so inactive? ...sheesh I'm confusing myself trying to ask the question. :p

Originally posted by Gypsyheart
Do men with more testosterone naturally want to pick up weights, exercise and do manly things (ie: sports, sex) ??

...... or does the act of lifting weights/exercising actually generate more testosterone??? It's probably the exercise that caused the difference in libido. As far as I'm aware men's hormones don't flucuate widely enough to cause those sorts of behavioral differences. Exercise raises testosterone levels in men and women, which translates into increased libido for both. Hitting the gym regularly can also help stabilize your sleep patterns, get rid of insomnia, and reduce stress, among a million other things.

DHEA is a precursor to testosterone and might also help raise libido, but only if he's actually lacking in natural DHEA production, which isn't normal for someone his age. In this situation it seems like the problem is more psychological than anything, so counseling would probably be more effective than anything.

I have dumped about 3 boyfriends who were on pot over the past several years...one just recently because the drug use behind my back virtually wiped out any regular healthy desires...it makes them want to sleep and just not care about bumping and grinding...also it make the penis pretty soft and not rigid...Hadley

Joe's right about the exercise, when you pump iron, you want to pump in other ways too. Why? I think because of both how it makes you feels mentally and about your body, as well as other affects on your body. Anywya, who cares. It works.

Another suggestion: a self-hypnosis tape geared toward a man having mroe control and/or being a better lover. Pop in the cassette, listen for a half hour and anxiety starts to erode. Repeate regularly for best results.

Originally posted by HadleyManassas
I have dumped about 3 boyfriends who where on pot over the past several years...one just recently because the drug use behind my back virtually wiped out any regular healthy desires...it makes them want to sleep and just not care about bumping and grinding...also it make the penis pretty soft and not rigid...


Sorry Hadley, but I have to disagree with you here.

I've had my share of men-friends that liked to smoke pot and NONE of them ever lost any interest, desire or "rigidity" due to smoking.

The only men that couldn't keep up or "went soft" on me were boozers.

Okay - gotta jump in here on the pot discussion. I haven't noticed that effect either. And I know when I have been able to get high, sex is MUCH better. (Can't do it now due to those damn random drug tests at work which isn't fair -my weekend is MY weekend, dang it!)

I know alcohol effects it. BF has a "whiskey dick" about 3 nights a week. It used to be okay because of how long it takes to ejaculate when you are drunk, but now it gets kind of tiresome.

But that's not the issue here. If your fella did actually have some time when he got it on, in his alleged peak, then something has happened. Some guys however really have a low sex drive. It actually does happen and I think it must be biological, or physical. Has he had a total physical lately?

Well it's not a pot issue or a drinking issue. No he hasn't had a complete physical lately either.

I think maybe some of it has to do with depression. As I've said, he has had a rough life and it's just now kind of starting to turn around for him. He has some abandonment issues with his mother and his father. He has never really been in a stable relationship with anyone so I think his thought process is something along the lines of "when you leave me" not "if you leave me".

We've talked about it and it's hard to not think that it is "me" but he assures me that it's not. I can't help but feel resentment at times but I try not to harp on it too much b/c than I feel that it will become more of a problem b/c he will be thinking about me nagging constantly and he will feel "pressure" to perform. That's another thing that he says....he feels under "pressure" to perform up to par and it makes him not be able to perform at all :-(. I've told him time and time again that his performance (when it does happen) is GREAT so stop worrying about it. Maybe it is just going to take time for us to get in the groove with each other and for him to know that I'm open about everything and for him to get totally comfortable with me.

Sheesh...relationships can be hard sometimes.

Sherrie

P.S. Thanks to all of you for your viewpoints...I really appreciate them!

Originally posted by LovToLaff
Maybe it is just going to take time for us to get in the groove with each other and for him to know that I'm open about everything and for him to get totally comfortable with me.


I think you've just hit the nail on the head, and good for you that you realise this. Going off what you say about his life, it seems totally logical that he is gonna take time to get used to being totally open with you. But he will. :)


You have the right attitude and believe me, once he's okay with being able to express himself, he'll be very happy that you were able to liberate him in that respect.


Good luck, you sound like a lovely lady whose patience will be rewarded. Try not to feel resentment as it cannot be easy for him.


micky

I can jump on the pot not being the problem, IMHO. Back in the day, it made one more of a lover. If I HAD to choose, give me a stoner over a drunk any time.
Booze is always more of a downer where erections and sex are concerned. Pun intended.
He may really truly not be as sexually driven as you might expect. My second husband was perfectly satisfied with once every three weeks or so. I blamed myself off and on. He would also shut down if I tried to pressure him at all. I thought for years I was resigned to it, and maybe if things had been wonderful in other areas, I might have been, but it really wasn't ok. He also had no use for kissing and cuddleing, which would have been enough to make up for the difference.
Thing is, don't let it build till you get really resentful.
This is something you have to work out together, and very openly and honestly. And he has to want to work it out as much as you. Don't let it become your problem alone, ok?

You have your answer when you said: "We have talked about it and he says that it is not me but rather that he has something like “performance anxieties” and low self esteem about his performance from previous relationships. "

There it is and there is will stay until he is able to work it out. Sex is far more complicated than we like to make it, especially for men. The moment he isn't in the mood the downward spiral begins... Is it him... is it you... is it something physical...? Or is it simply that he isn't in the mood? Culture tells us that all YM are horny all the time. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong!! It's an old wives tale and has killed more than one relationship.

Sexual desire varies by person, not by gender or age. It depends on many things, health, fitness surely, but more importantly it depends on one's self image. Physically, depression is the most common killer of desire as are the medications to treat depression (can't win here) Psychologically the biggest problem is low self esteem. If you don't love yourself it's almost impossible to believe that anyone else does, even if you have someone right there trying to disprove your worries.

If you add a shot of family dysfunction (sex is dirty or evil) you have the makings of a real problem. This takes work and therapy. Find one that you can afford, or that takes someone who is uninsured.

Dave and I had problems almost from day one. Four years and many tears later with a good therapist we finally figured out that he was still dealing with his mother's teachings about how awful sex is. It was so deep that even he didn't know that was the problem until he really started doing some digging in his psyche.

Also remember, that even once he feels better about himself and sex he may have a naturally low sex drive and once or twice a month may always be enough. Frequency is a common problem in relatrionships and just has to be worked out as a couple.

Try to work together with him on this. You might try changing your style from intercourse to doing it one at a time. Him make love to you until you have an orgasm in ways other than intercourse and then you reciprocate. This takes the pressure off of him to "perform." He can just concentrate on making you crazy and then relax and enjoy your attentions. Once he is more comfortable you can add intercourse occasionally as he now knows that he can please you in other ways...again the pressure is off. We have had great success with this method.

Dave also used to think about "when I left" taking it as a given that sooner or later I would leave him. Finally after almost 5 years together and being married for 1 1/2 he has stopped thinking that we are going to break up. It's a long road when you love someone who has been abused or emotionally abandoned. If you are up for it, its a rough ride, but one that you will treasure forever.

Peace,
Jane (56) Dave (30)

Hydro is weed grown in water then dried out. It's more potent and usually just takes one hit to knock you on your a$$! After one hit, say "bye-bye" and open the fridge!!! :D

Jane -

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. There are many things that you said that ring so true for me. It's nice to see that I'm not alone in loving someone with some emotional baggage.

Your words give me hope. Thanks again!
Sherrie

Originally posted by Lost_Spoiled
OMG.. that is sooo funny. Dude, doesn't cream cheese taste AMAZING on just about anything????


Heck yeah! And onion dip too!!! :D

from 5PM on...if I were there at his place, the sex proved okay, but the man couldn't get to my house on time to save himself because of the desire to crash...when you are going some place and the guy is always late, it gets to be a major drag....he also lost his job 2x because of it...that got to be a pain because he had motivation to move out of his mom's basement and job hunt...Hadley

Wow, that guys sounds like a real catch...

LOL


Sail

he's either:

1. gay or bisexual
2. not attracted to you any longer and wants another woman.
3. is busy with work or other more interesting things in life.

hope that helps.

well I have to butt in here! Pot - well the only time sex was any good when I was married was when we'd BOTH had some! Now whether that was the drugs rather nice tingly effect on my erogenous zones or his performance ( tho I did think it made him last longer) who knows or cares? Sex without it was truly pathetic! :(

Luckily I don't seem to need it with my YM :p

Dee xx

Not me - I have three moods - Horny, hungry and sleepy :p In order of importance!

Hhahaha !! with me it's not chocolate - well I might think about it but I can't eat it - allergies - but steak in pepper sauce...................... *drools*

Glad I'm not the only woman who has that libido!! I was starting to wonder!

Dee xx

I assume``B.O.B.``is a very popular object of desire amongest many in this thread(he told me to tell Lynn and Trish hello)!:D