a question I'd like your considered and wise advice on,please

I know I'm very new to you guys and all but judging from the responses I've seen here, you guys got your heads firmly screwed on. If you could throw me some advice, I'd appreciate it.

I am now with the 4th virgin(in a row) I've ever been with. No, I never really went hunting for this particular type, they seemed to find me.

The last fellow lasted 7.5 years with me and I was the one who had to bust out of the relationship. I wouldn't say I'm a nutty, love 'em and leave 'em type. Been done to me and I couldn't try that on another person.

My problem is this- my current love (a YM, incidentally) and I have been together for hmmm, a mere 18 or so months. He is already looking like a keeper. I mean a true lifetime companion. He's silly,intelligent, gorgeous, and got a sick sense of humor. We are terrifyingly compatible. The problem is that he sees me as a keeper,too. That would not normally be a problem except for the fact that my conscience would harrange(sp?) me to my dying day were I to settle a person down with me without him having been able to gather more of life's experiences. I want him to have had the enjoyment of more than just a relationship with me. I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear. I wouldn't want to saddle the poor man with me for the rest of his life even though it risks losing him. That would kill me, no doubt. Am I looking at this like some mental case or what?
Sorry for the wind just really wondering about the ethics of the situation etc.
Thanks for any advice you can spare and have a lovely holiday!

Now now, just because he's a male doesn't mean it's a given he's gotta go sample a buffet of women to know what he wants.
Y'know, this always irritates me when it comes up about guys. Nobody ever looks at a young woman and says, you shouldn't marry that man, you've not slept around enough yet.
If he knows what he wants, if he's happy with you, then quit trying to sabotage it. And that's what you're doing you know. He surely can't want me, so I'll do my best to see to it that it comes to that.
How many women would it take to be "enough". Two? Ten?
No you aren't the first to feel this. But stop it, and respect your man's intelligence enough to allow him to make his own choices. Ultimately, it's not up to you, but him. Just because you're older, and have been around more, doesn't mean you have the right to think for him. And that's the biggest wrecker of O/Y relationships there is.
Relax, and enjoy, and don't cause problems that may not exist.

I'd have to agree with everything said by the lovely
Bella! :D

Enjoy what you have and don't second-guess yourself.

You're certainly sabotaging your relationships. Because not only do you not believe in him, you obviously believe even less in yourself.

Its pretty sad when we think that its ok for guys (or girls) to go out and drive the car first before buying it. My niece who is in college now, says she senses a trend amoung younger people. although they may not wait until marriage for sex, they're certianly being more cautious and selective. And they are looking for partners, especially the guys, who dont' have tire marks up their kazoo enough to go around the world a few times.

enjoy what you have, make it work for both of you or leave him and become a nun (I dare ya). I think baddreamer said in another post, she was through with being a disposal toy. Stop making men disposal toys, they don't deserve it and you're doing them a terrible dissservice for the next woman that they meet. Hope you work this out.

Paris

I remember feeling like this...and it doesn't feel good. Let me also say, its a normal reaction.

I live in the midst of a group of very small communities. It is very very common here for high school sweethearts to marry and spend the rest of their lives together. When I think back to the first real relationship I had, the first time I fell in love......if everything would have gone according to plan, I would have spent my entire life with that man and had no regrets of not "shopping around". Unfortunately for most of us, our first real relationship does not turn out well. But I certainly would not have ever left him if there were no problems. My point being, you are not having problems here. Don't create one! *smiles*

You could break it off with him....thats true. And you could suffer, and he could suffer, but he would still love you. You can't control who he loves, that is his choice. It is his choice what he chooses to accept...what he is 'saddled with" as you put it, and I doubt he views it that way by the way.

When I met J, he had never been in a real relationship before, he didn't have any "experience". He had never been truly hurt, had never had his heart broken, had never been betrayed.....I hope he never has to experience those things. Wouldn't it be wonderful to go through our lives without carrying some of the baggage we do because we found a wonderful relationship right from the start? So don't take that chance away from your y/m.

Your relationship might last a long long time, it might not. But take the chance......put your worries to rest for a while and just enjoy being in love with someone and in a happy relationship, and allow him to do the same. *hugs*

This is not exclusively an age-gap problem. I remember about 5 years ago, a friend of mine was very upset thinking that her very serious boyfriend wasn't going to be satisfied with her for the rest of his life, because she was his first. She was going away on a long trip and she was considering telling him that he could see other people while she was gone. I told her she was crazy, that that would spell then end of their relationship... he would be hurt that she said that, and she wouldn't enjoy her trip, worrying that he was maybe with someone else. She agreed.

They are happily married now.

Give him some credit. Not all guys need to be with tons of women.

Originally posted by Amygdala
That would not normally be a problem except for the fact that my conscience would harrange(sp?) me to my dying day were I to settle a person down with me without him having been able to gather more of life's experiences. I want him to have had the enjoyment of more than just a relationship with me. I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear. I wouldn't want to saddle the poor man with me for the rest of his life even though it risks losing him. That would kill me, no doubt. Am I looking at this like some mental case or what?
Sorry for the wind just really wondering about the ethics of the situation etc.
well....this has to be an Oh My God Moment for me reading your words......well, first off, you don't want him checking out the candy store, but he don't need to..you have to be secure with yourself and your relationship at hand....if you are insecure with yourself, as far as , " can you keep him, when there is a world of goods out there that have yet to be tested?"
forget about that..you have him now, and do not stir up What-if's that can only hinder...when people are happy in relationships,they will not stray..that has to be the best comfort to you I can express here...18 months, cool...sorry about your 7.5 years , but , then again, you admitted to busting out of it yourself..right?..anyway
My oh my god moment was the same...but i kept those feelings in my head..i mean, I had to be proved he would sway before I even would give a second guess about his devoutness to me..He was all mine till I screwed him over, in my train of thought...um..I did not screw him over, by the way...do not be suspicious of the world you have seen..grasp love, take it by the reigns, and enjoy what you have built together......hope I have made sense..maybe even helped a bit....peace on earth

Thank you LadyInWaiting and what I said then still goes. We have been together for almost 5 years and married for one and a half. I don't think a day goes by that he doesn't tell that that he's happy and that his life is wonderful.

Before he met me, Dave had never even kissed a woman. Talk about lack of experience! I worried that he should date people his own age and get some life experience under his belt before deciding to settle down. He was very hurt and asked me why I wanted him to go out and get his heart broken just to learn what he already knows...that he loves me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life.

The ethics are: if he is an adult (and I'm assuming that he is) he is perfectly capable of making up his own mind what he wants. You have the problem -- not him.

Why would you say, "I wouldn't want to saddle the poor man with me for the rest of his life." What is so wrong with you that you feel this way? It sounds like you need to do some work toward loving yourself so that you can see what this YM sees in you.

Make peace with yourself and then you can make peace with the idea of a YM wanting to spend his life with you.

(((HUG)))
Jane

Ps. Listen to these lovely ladies, they know what they are talking about.

were I to settle a person down with me without him having been able to gather more of life's experiences. I want him to have had the enjoyment of more than just a relationship with me. ... seems to me that these are his choices and you should stop worrying about decisions that are clearly made by others. Unless of course, you are using these as excuses as you're not really ready to commit yourself..;)

I wouldn't worry about the virgin too much. I have only had one and it is the recent one. He is 35 and I am 60. Worrying whether he should experience more sex with someone else is the least of my worries. There are too many other things we need to overcome. Why should you feel bad? A person always remembers the first and in many cases the first is the last. If you satisfy him and he you, who cares whether he has has a harem? Love is not sex only andlife experiences can come being in a relationship. Are you afraid he may get tired of you and start searching? Hey, we all take risks with ow/ym..virgin or not...just my thoughts Jan

"why go out for hamburger when I've got steak at home?" My montra has always been "You can get your appetite anywhere as long as you eat at home" :D

Seems it's pretty unanimous and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart (left cockle.)
I cna't say I think men need more experience than women (not by a long shot.) I'd say I feel the more experience a person has, the more informed his/her decisions may be.
Now I'd say, instead, hip-hip-hooray, I'm a-gonna stay!

He's the one for me until we are cremated. Just cross your fingers and pat yourselves on the backs.

Thanks again!


J