Not sure if I am doing the right thing....

I have had something weighing a
bit heavy on my mind of late
and was wondering what your thoughts
are on this situation.
I am not sure I am doing the right thing-
so maybe your input will help?

There is a couple that lives right across
the street from me that are also my friends.
They are the most sweet and wonderful
folks to have as neighbors-
I have been very blessed in that aspect.

She is in her late 30's and he is
in his early 40's-
they have one son that is my son's age - 16.
(He's a great kid too- very polite and trustworthy)
He and my son are good friends.

Anyway-
she has been such a caring a giving friend
towards me.
As a matter of fact, she is helping me now with
a cross-stitch project I am doing.
She is a PRO when it comes to cross-stitch
and has bailed me out on this project
about three times-
I keep getting my counting all messed up!!
LOL

I just really admire this woman
so very much.
She gives so much of herself unconditionally
to her family and friends-
it's hard for me to put into words,
just how how much respect I have for her.
All I can do is be a good friend in return.
She is very over-weight,
(I think she is most likely in the 400 pound catagory),
but it doesn't stop her from being active.
It does take it's toll on her and I notice she gets
winded very easily.
Her Dr. wants her to walk more, (long walks),
and so I have gone with her when I can.
She gave the walks up last year
or so, but I still tell her I am ready to go when she is.
(She hates to go alone)

Anyway, I digressed, so sorry-
her husband had some serious episodes of passing out
at work last year.
He is just an itty bitty man-
very thin and rather short-
and was a huge beer and scotch drinker!!
His drunkeness was getting pretty carried away
at the time he was having these episodes
of passing out.
(Very drunk- every day)
Well, after the fourth episode,
(of which he almost died from)-
he was told is was caused from the alcohol
and they listed a ton of things
that were going haywire on him because of drinking.
It was a serious situation.
Yes, he quit.
That was last (early), September.

My friend, her name is Chris, by the way,
told me then, that she knows that
her husband will never drink again after
all this, especially since he had a sister
die from alcohol abuse at the age of 47,
(he is 44).

Well, for about 2 months now,
I have witnessed her husband leave
whenever Chris is gone,
and return home with the obvious liqueur store
brown bag.
Then, this past Sunday, when my ex was
dropping off our son from having
him for the weekend, he ran across the
street to chat with Chris' husband-
Chris was over at my house showing me some
cross-stitch stuff.
Later that night, my ex called to talk to me
about some things in regard to our son and he
mentioned that Chris' husband was pouring scotch
into his "non-alcoholic beer" can the whole time
he visited him.
I wasn't surprised.

Last night I ran over to their house
to look at one of Chris' cross-stitch projects and
if was obvious that her husband was quite drunk-
but he was drinking out of a Pepsi can.

I have not mentioned what I know
to Chris at all.
I just can't believe that she does not know-
as it is so obvious that he is drinking again!!
But I think if she did know-
he wouldn't be hiding it like he is.
This drinking is going to kill him-
and I can already see him looking haggard
again like he did when he started passing out last summer.
The man is only 44, but looks 64!!

Chris is so devoted to him-
but not in a subservient way-
but a "committed-wife" way.
They both work hard and have put a real
50/50 effort into gaining all they have in life,
(which is a good amount).
Her husband treats her well,
(he is not an angry drunk or abusive in any way)-
they have a good marriage with the exception
of this drinking thing.
Chris does not drink at all.

I just don't know if am doing the
right thing in not saying anything to Chris.
They are very close to her family and his family-
they gather together all the time for things
and I figure one of the family members has
to see the same thing I am or will witness what
my ex did, and will talk to her about it.
Am I being a bad friend in keeping quiet?

Sorry for such a long post-
I am just so bothered by all of this.

Hmm, this is easy yet it's tough. It sounds as if your friend is in serious denial that her husband has a very serious drinking problem. My former bil was like that. Before his liver transplant a decade ago, he was the type of guy that had flasks hidden all over the place and his wife, a doctor no less, would sit by and say "oh no, he doesn't have a problem". It almost killed him in the end.

If I were in your position Sage, I'd sit my friend down and very gently tell her what you see. She might or might not recieve it but at least you will have done the responsible thing and shared what you know. Denial enables bad behavior and while she cannot force this man to get help, if she can at least admit that she knows it's happening, it might encourage him to get help at some point because it certainly sounds as if this will kill him sooner than later if he keeps it up.

"Am I being a bad friend in keeping quiet?"

No, your not being a bad friend.

There is no way Chris can not know. She has lived with him for some time.

He is in denial. I mean, he is only drinking Pepsi right? Or non-alcoholic beer? He must first admit that he has fallen. Then Chris can help pick him up. But right now it would seem that he 'thinks' he is 'getting away with it', but I'm sure he does know that he is not fooling anyone.

I suspect Chris just does not know what to do. In the time he was sober I would suspect they had conversations about his drinking and that it was a major medical problem that could have serious consequences.

Have you and Chris discussed his past drinking in that you are regarded as a confidant?

I don't know if confronting her directly is the way to go. Perhaps more on the line of "How ya doing Chris?" Followed by "How's the hubby?"

But if the direct approach is more fitting, I'd do her the honor of assuming she is aware...

jmo.

Sage,
I think I would bring it up, but kinda casually, like saying "how is hubby doing?" and then see how she reacts to that - if she talks about his health (with concerns about drinking or not), you can comment that you were under the impression he might be drinking again, and that you can imagine that it must be very hard for them ... I guess you would feel if she's aware or in denial about it.

If she's skips on hubby's health issue or quickly changes subject, I think I would let it go, coz then she's still working throught it - denial or not, and I don't think that any external input on this would be particularly helpful.

That's how I would do it, but if that might not work for you or your relationship. I am afraid I got no other idea :(

I tend to agree with Nessa. I am a child of an alcoholic myself. I know that sometimes when others outside the family try to offer unsolicited advice, it may make the family draw even more inward as the "caretakers" take on the role of hiding the problem from the community.

I really feel that she has to be aware, but maybe has not discussed it with you Sage, because she may be embarrassed.

I say that if she comes to you for advice, then offer your support, but otherwise, I would not touch this one.

Having lived with an alcoholic father, I would never forget that smell. Impossible not to notice.

Once a child came to the emergency almost in a coma and everybody was suspecting diabetic coma, when I arrived and smelled it. The child had drunk the grandmother's whisky or something similar. The smell was just typical!

As he's a peaceful drinker I guess people tend to just accept the fact. I would probably let her talk about it, but maybe you'll find the right occasion to politely mention the problem. I am sorry for this man, he's destroying his life.

Addictions are really a horrible thing.:(

She really does know about her husband and the drinking, i'm sure, like the others have said here.

But if you talk to her about it, then she might feel like she has lost face with you. Many times you read about society wives, in particular, who have been cheated on and are in denial about it. They like their lifestyle and don't mind that they have less sex with their husbands and only when someone "does them the favor" of having them lose face, well then they must do something about it.

It's really too bad isn't it? But Chris is obviously addicted in her own way if she weighs over 400 pounds. It's just not to alcohol. I would suspect that they both put up with each other's addictions at this juncture. Don't know if you thought of it that way. The FOOD addiction will kill her just as surely as his alcohol addiction will kill him. His just might be more obvious.

Nonetheless it is a sad situation.

Sage, I tend to think that good friends do not ignore each other problems. Isn't that what friends are for? People that we can turn to in the good times and bad times for support. I would casually bring it up with Chris if I were you. Tell her you bringing the subject because your care for her and her husband. Listening in this type of situation is the most important thing. Advice will not help. I have an alcholic uncle that just does not want to change at all. Really all my family can do is listen, and pray that he will want to change the situation himself. Chris may be ok, with the situation and comfortable with it, or she maybe ashamed of it. I would lend an ear.. and react properly. You are a wise woman. Griz

Wow, this really is a bit of a dilemma. Unfortunately I can only give some very simple advice, but I hope it helps in whatever small way possible.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure what the right thing to do is about mentioning the drinking. Perhaps she already knows, perhaps she doesn't. What advice I can give though is to try and find what is at the root of his addiction. I'm not suggesting you give him a psycho-analysis here, but I still think this is the best way to handle this particular problem. We all have addictions and there is a reason for them. They are our crutch. We lean on them in order to numb some inner pain. It seems as though his addiction is extremely poor for his health.

But I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. Sage, by reading some of your posts on Ageless it's obvious that you are a very empathetic, nurturing, amiable person...and this I think is your way to help here. I think if you could ask him some questions (not too personal), that might relieve some of this pain he is trying to hide through drinking. It seems to me that he is quite entrenched in this afflictive habit of his, in which case he really needs to get down to the root of the problem.

Whether or not you tell Chris specifically about the drinking is up to you. But I think even if you both succeed in stopping his drinking, he may just substitute it for another habit. Whatever he is numbing will still be there.

As I said, this is a tricky one. But in my humble opinion the best action here is to attempt to open him up, even just a little. Show empathy and compassion. Possibly share some of your own pains with him. This, to me at least, seems the best way of producing the most long-lasting positive results. Anything else would simply be a band-aid over a wound that needs stitches. It's going to be difficult, no doubt about it, perhaps even professional help is called for and I'm sure there are others here far more qualified for that than I. But I hope I have been of some assistance.

Keep us up to date on this one Sage. Hopefully we can offer as much support and comfort to you as you have given to others.

:)

Originally posted by molly
Hmm, this is easy yet it's tough. It sounds as if your friend is in serious denial that her husband has a very serious drinking problem. My former bil was like that. Before his liver transplant a decade ago, he was the type of guy that had flasks hidden all over the place and his wife, a doctor no less, would sit by and say "oh no, he doesn't have a problem". It almost killed him in the end.

If I were in your position Sage, I'd sit my friend down and very gently tell her what you see. She might or might not recieve it but at least you will have done the responsible thing and shared what you know. Denial enables bad behavior and while she cannot force this man to get help, if she can at least admit that she knows it's happening, it might encourage him to get help at some point because it certainly sounds as if this will kill him sooner than later if he keeps it up.

I totally agree with you Molly. Also, if she can admit whats happening it might not be a bad idea for you, Sage, to suggest she talk to some people at ALANON the AA for women, where she could talk openly with others who understand and might have suggestions as to her role in this situation. Another thought would be if she can face whats happening.... suggest she call AA and get some pointers on weither she should make it known to her husband she knows hes drinking and ask him to go to AA......... or ask him if he would just call them( already having the phone number and address handy).... or do nothing or what.
My idea is that if these people are good friends, then I think for me, Id have to sit down with the woman, tell her you hope your not overstepping your bounds, but you concider her and her husband good friends and your very concerned about her husbands health....then go on to say why and what you know about his drinking again. I think she knows its going on but just doesnt know what to do about it and maybe is embarassed to talk about it or doesnt know how to bring it up. You, letting her know you know hes drinking and bringing it up, and are concerned because she is (they are)your friend...... could just be the opening she needs to feel she can talk to someone about it who cares about her and her husband. If she rejects the idea or gets upset you can always just say, ok, sorry I didnt mean to get in your business or offend you, but knowing what drinking could do to your husband and feeling your both friends, I just couldnt sit by without at least letting you know Im here for you if you need a friend. etc

I WISH I COULD EVER JUST WRITE A SHORT REPLY lol

Originally posted by bubbleee
She really does know about her husband and the drinking, i'm sure, like the others have said here.

But if you talk to her about it, then she might feel like she has lost face with you. Many times you read about society wives, in particular, who have been cheated on and are in denial about it. They like their lifestyle and don't mind that they have less sex with their husbands and only when someone "does them the favor" of having them lose face, well then they must do something about it.

It's really too bad isn't it? But Chris is obviously addicted in her own way if she weighs over 400 pounds. It's just not to alcohol. I would suspect that they both put up with each other's addictions at this juncture. Don't know if you thought of it that way. The FOOD addiction will kill her just as surely as his alcohol addiction will kill him. His just might be more obvious.

Nonetheless it is a sad situation.

Your so right bubbleee I completely forgot about that part her weight Perhaps, if Sage opens the door to the womans husbands problem, and the woman feels the friendship and caring Sage has for them , who knows, she might just open up to Sage about weight. You can only answer for your own actions so I would have to speak up in the hope I could be of help at least. If Im rejected, or the person denys the facts, well I tried, and thats all I can do. On the other hand Sage just might be the person who gives this woman an opening to talk about things she already knows I think, but just doesnt know how to deal with or overcome. If theres a chance you can possibly be part of helping to save someones life.... ya gotta do it, right?

Thank you all for the great advice!!
I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

I had a chat on the phone with Chris
this morning and I decided not to
mention anything about her husband's drinking,
(his name is Brad, by the way).

The friendship I have with Chris and Brad
is of a "neighbor-like nature"-
not real close and personal.
The only reason I was told about Brad's
serious episodes in regard to his drinking is
because the last and most serious episode
happened while they were at their property across
the state and I was feeding and watering
Chris' rabbits, (and watching their house etc..)
She was a week over-due in getting home
when she finally called me, so I wouldn't worry about them
and that is when she told me Brad had been
admitted to the hospital and things were not looking
very good for Brad at the time.
They have tons of family out there-
so Chris had a lot of support when this occured.

When they were finally able to return home
to Western Washington, (they were in Eastern Washington),
Brad's driving license was taken away and he was
under-going more tests and so on...
Chris told me about it all relating to alcohol in
bits and pieces-
she hasn't talked to me about it since.
Funny how I tell her every intimate detail
about my life-
but she is rather reserved in telling me a lot about her's.
She is very close to her mother and I think
that is who she talks with.
Her whole family rallies around each other whenever
there is a problem and she has a lot of support
with all of them.
I felt it was best to not bring the subject
up to her today.

I do agree with you that said she must know
about the drinking.
Scotch reeks,
and there is no way she would not smell that
or notice his drunkeness.
I mean, if I can pick up on it-
I am sure she has too.

I know her family will advise her and
be there for her and Brad when things go bad-
and I know they will go bad sooner or later.
The Drs told Brad he had to quit
or he would die.

It's so sad.

something I thought after reading what you last said Sage...... your friend might be close to her mom and family and talk to them TRUE but who knows, maybe addiction runs in her family and they all console each other but dont know how to break the cycle... or are all the kind that are in denial because to face their mates problem could make them have to face their own addiction. Anyway..... Im with MrsHedgeHog on this but you have to go with what YOU feel is right in this matter. You know the situation and your friend better than anyone else does. Whatever you decide, I can tell your a caring person and will be there for your friend . Im sure she sees that too. ;)

[QUOTE][i]Originally posted by Sage [/i

I just don't know if am doing the
right thing in not saying anything to Chris.
They are very close to her family and his family-
they gather together all the time for things
and I figure one of the family members has
to see the same thing I am or will witness what
my ex did, and will talk to her about it.
Am I being a bad friend in keeping quiet?

Sage, in my opinion, do not say anything. She already knows. I believe this firmly. My father was an alcoholic all his life. My mother knew everyone knew but she denied it to everyone who mentioned it to her. Your relationship with her will never be the same if you tell her. I would not say anything but if you absolutely had to do something maybe you could send an anonymous note to her.