We're having big problems!:(

Hey all! I don't know how much longer I'll even be online, as the computer I'm using is in Robin's name, but I wanted to purge some stuff, hope you don't mind:

Robin had an offer to go to a job today, you all know how broke we've been, and how he needed to get a job outside of my cleaning business. Well, we invested $50 in tools and stuff he'd need, and at 6 a.m., he left and went on to this job. I, meanwhile, had a day from Hell, cleaning three houses, one which was gigantic, and coming home totally worn out, only to have to go out and run more errands.

Anyway, I come home, and find out that Robin only lasted 2 hours at the job. He came home. He did clean the basement, but Cheese and Crackers, WHEN THE HELL IS HE GOING TO GET A JOB HE CAN STAY AT??? So I get all pissed off, because in the last couple of days he's gotten two other job offers, not as much money, but still, a living. So he's saying, "Why should I bust my *** to live here, when I could live cheaper someplace else?"

Well, I blew a gasket! I told him to just get out. Mr. "I want to support you" turned into a total TURD! I've doled it out to others, and now I'm telling myself! I've had enough of selfish, immature turds, and now I just want peace. I'm sick at myself for incorporating him so deeply, and making my children believe he was a stepfather. I really, really believed he was. He worked with me over 3 years, and we were in tune. But I didn't have enough business, slowly declining after 9/11, and I kept telling him he needed to get more work. He also ran up $10,000 worth of credit cards while we were together. All spent on tools. He was going to start a furniture refurbishing business.

I see how he is now. He likes to dream, but he doesn't want to put forth the effort. It surprises me, because I have seen him work, and work HARD, but it only seems to be when he's in the mood. I used to think he was a workhorse, now I think he is lazy.

I am hurting, I am confused, I am worried, I am in a bad place. :(

Polly...

Right now I really don't know what to say...

I know how much you love Robin, I know how much love flows in your heart and your soul, for him.

You know I'm here for you Polly, always have been and I always will be. Please know and remember that...*Hugs*

I'm so sorry, Polly...I really am...
As I said, I know how much love flows through your heart for Robin...

I hate to say it, but Robin almost sounds like one of my co-workers. He comes in to work on time, only when it suits him, when it's convienent for him. (The supervisor of our department doesn't say a word, because the dumbnut doesn't know.) Otherwise, he'll come in at noon or won't come in at all...

But, my coworker's excuse is lack of motivation and lack of challenge...

With Robin, he does have motivation and that is money...you two need that, as you have said...

So, I don't really know...

I'm sorry, Polly...I am so sorry...*Hugs*

Please know, you are in my thoughts and prayers...and, as I said...I'm here for you....whenever you want...

*Hugs*

Love,

~Dan

Oh Polly...
I am so very sorry.

I know what you are going through
and the feeling of watching them walk away
from being gainfully employed when you need
the money so badly, is to say the least,
maddening!

I was fortunate with my ex-
he never missed a day of work and is
now going on being at the same job for 15 years.
Unfortunatley, when he wasn't working-
he did little else.
Long story, and I won't go into whining
about my ex.

I have had realtionships with other men that
felt they were "too good' for just about every job.
ARGH!
I would work two jobs-
and they weren't "sittin down" jobs either,
and then I had all the duties at home-
and still, we were broke!!
It amazed me these men could turn down
any type of work when they could see
money was so much needed.
Needless to say,
my relationships with these men
did not last long at all.
I will not be with a man that won't work!

I know you have invested a lot of time
into your relationship and I do feel the two of you
can find an answer to this.
Please don't "throw the baby out with the bath water"-
BUT-
if he refuses to hold down a job-
you cannot continue to bank-roll his existence
when you need a second income in a dire way.

I am keeping you in my prayers and
hope that you can find a solution to all of this.

Hey-
ever think about selling all those tools that
he doesn't use on Ebay?
Might get a pretty penny for some of them.....

oh no, polly.....im so sorry. :( don't do anything in anger tho...remain calm!

whoever said money doesn't buy happiness must have had a bunch of it. it sure can ease the way, for sure. not having enough can cause so much tension and worry, and ruin an otherwise wonderful relationship.

i am thinking of you polly. want me to drive down there and kick him in the ****? cuz i will.

hugs.....

kye

Oh girlfriend, I wish I was closer so I could REALLY give you a hug. I just dont know what to say right now...it doesnt seem right. Like Dan said, I too know how much you and Robin love each other. I mean, ANY man and woman who can work together all day then still be friends at night...thats pretty amazing in my book! But you've been doing it and for a long time too.

Right now, I cant even think of anything to say to you. Just that I'm sorry and you know good and well that if there's ANY thing I can do, just say the word. Please try to stay as calm as possible till you can think straight.

Let us know...love ya,

Sherry

Now that you have seen the LIGHT, send him back to his mommy packing and don't look back. Been there!!! Learn a lesson, never pay a man's way. Never share bank accounts or credit cards!!!! Enjoy detaching all your finances from leeches. Don't be a bandaide for any able bodied male. Once he is gone, you will work easier and will save more money. A man and a woman not matter even if they are married should always keep their money separate but equal...equal payment of bills. Hadley

{{{polly}}} I'm so sorry!

Polly - - -

I am so sorry to hear this. Probably, like happens with most people, when he gets away from you, he will realize what he had and have a great deal of regret about this situation.

You should remain calm for the moment and let things cool down. Don't say or do anything you may regret later. When he sees he's going to have to work at something in order to survive, he will surely see how good he's had it the past three years. I would be surprised if this is really the end.

Hugs to you and keep the faith.

Oh Polly, my heart goes out to you. :( I am so sorry that you are going through this. I agree with everyone else. Don't react in anger. Stay calm. Surely, he will realize what he is about to lose and come to his senses.

I like Sage's idea... sell his tools on ebay.


GREAT BIG ((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))) TO YOU!!!!

OK, Polly... you are going to get some "yellowrose" thoughts... do you realize that you do an "all or nothing" on your relationship? Either Robin is a saint and you are just "lucky" to have him or he is a "dog" like all the rest and you are h-bent on kicking him to the curb.

The reality is most days you are happy with Robin. The truth is if Robin had to buy something to do this job today then it probably turned out to be joke of a job. (Good jobs are really really hard to find right now. My son used to make $25 per hour and now has worked at Subway for $7 the past year. It has taken its toll on his self esteem.)

Anyway, good relationships can crumbled when it comes to money and finances. If he sensed you would be mad if he quit the job, then he was probably loaded for bear also. Polly, I think that you should have heard him out.

But at any rate, Robin can't be all good one day and all bad the next. So try to look at this with a little more realism... If after you do that and you still think he is a jerk, then you know that I will support you all the way.
PS... Please vote Democrat... :D Just kidding you... Hugs..
Barbara

It's ok. It will work out. Don't make any huge steps yet. Rest on it and calm down.

Remember everything you said to me about my relationship with Greg. No one is perfect; we all have our flaws.

So here is my take: I think Robin may have an issue with supervision or something or maybe he is more insecure than he lets on. Maybe he needs some support from a job counselor or someone.

Do you guys have a one stop career center near you? Like a workforce center or something? They are popping up all over - we have a bout 8 here in Portland. Generally they are funded by the Department of Labor and they offer job counseling, coaching, application and resume assistance, interviewing assistance and retention programs. Check it out. Sometimes these one stops are located within a state employment division office .

There are so many things you love about Robin and he is still young and perhaps hasn't experienced alot of success yet in the world of work. Maybe he just needs a couple of good successes under his belt.

Weigh it all out; take small steps.

Cindy

Wow. I'm so sorry, Polly. This sounds very trying for you. But don't do anything rash... try and compose yourself before you make any decisions. You two love each other. Yes, money is very important, but breaking up over it is not a good idea. There will be no easy solutions here, but I do know that the first instinct we sometimes have is to end our relationships, and this is not always warranted. Is there any other evidence to suggest that he's a bad step-father? If not, then just take a step back and try and put things into perspective.

He is a young guy, much as it may not seem like it (we all know that having a child does not make anyone more mature, it just may make someone a little more responsible a little sooner), and guys his age are still trying to figure out how they are going to earn a living, etc. etc. etc. He may be going through some sort of crisis related to this. But this doesn't excuse the fact that he's not pulling his weight. I don't know, I guess I'm just rambling.

Anyway, my guess is that you love him enough that you can probably work through this. It won't be easy, but don't throw in the towel just yet.

((HUGS))

Polly, Polly....I KNOW your pain...
The last thing my ym bf said to me before he walked out after 3 1/2 years of love, investment, cherished times, and my heart being sold out to him was, "I'm sorry this is not good for you, but I need to go." At that moment I could not believe how quickly he could flip from thinking (and saying) I was the only one he ever wanted in his life, to "Seeya!" I felt taken and abandoned, and duped....

BUT, now, after a ton of reflection and counseling I know that he DID love me, yet in the end was restless and lacked the courage, maturity and fortitude to stick around when things got hard (in our case, parental pressure to get away from me that he couldn't stand up to). I still LOVE THIS MAN....but see that it was best to let go when the level of comittment wasn't there any more and confusion set in. Maybe one day Robin will see and understand and be able to give generously back to you like you have given and made provision for him. I still hope that with my bf, but I'm not going to wait around. For now, I think going your separate ways is the only way to be able to look at everything with more objective eyes.

I wish you the best, and hope things work out the way you need them to for you and your kids.
Karen

Oh girl! *hugs* I don't have anything to add...I feel the same as everyone else. I know your angry right now...so wait until a little bit of time passes and your calm before you decide how to act on this.

I know how much you love Robin, and I know how much he loves you. The only thing I am worried about is that the past couple months you have had a couple bumps in the road, a couple issues between the two of you. I so want you to be happy. It sounds like it is really time for you and Robin to sit down together over a glass of wine and have a long, private conversation...spilling out all the feelings you have stored up and making clear to each other what each of you expects.

You have such a solid strong foundation to work on.....I know you two can make it. Im sending you lots of positive energy...and Im here if you need to vent, as are many others. *hugs*

Thank you to all of you, for responding, both positive and negative. I have taken it all in. I wish I could respond to each personally, but I have FIVE HOUSES today, just wanted to jump on here really quickly.

Well, Robin stormed off last night, and I went to bed. I woke up at 3 a.m. and went outside to get some Tums from the van (indigestion) and found him sleeping on the seat! I woke him up and told him to come in.

We went to bed, and he said, "I guess I'll take the loading dock job." This job is loading heavy stuff into trucks from 3 p.m. until 1 a.m. He thinks he can do this and still help me clean so I don't have to hire any helpers part-time. Robin's issue is, he wants to get paid fairly for what he does. He's tired of busting his *** under dangerous conditions for $9 and hour. That's why he came to clean with me in the first place. We pull in between $250 and $300 a day (or we were before the economy got so bad) and the work isn't nearly as hard. Robin will work for $12 to start, but he'll work hard for it. He can lift 250 pounds. He can carry rolls of carpet up several flights of steps. He can hang drywall, frame out rooms, you name it. He just wants to be paid for it, because at the end of the day, his whole body is shot! However, he was tired of housecleaning. He claimed it was too easy!

He has lived on his own and paid his own bills. I don't think he realized how much debt he had racked up while living here. When we worked together, all the money went into a shared checking account. In Robin's defense, part of his share went to my kids, as we haven't gotten child support from my ex in over a year. Robin never formally got paid. We just combined all our stuff together. It was fine when we had a lot of business. Robin is pretty low-maintenance. If he's eating well, has his cigarettes, and an occassional 12-pack on Friday night to take to his friend's house, he's happy. I'm the one who spends impulsively! I don't support Robin, and I never have.

Anyway, he said he does want to be here, he was just mad because I wasn't giving him time to think about what he wanted to do, or if he wanted to try to find something else besides the two other job offers. I think that drywall job not working out really disappointed him much more than I realized. When I came home yesterday, he looked like he was going to cry. His whole, "I don't know if I want to pay that much to live here" came from his thinking that I'd get mad and kick him out, after he doled out a bunch of money to me. I told him I'd never do that.

So yes, it was another case of me blowing up and not giving him a chance to "process" this set back. Men want to withdraw and solve their problems, THEN talk about it. I followed him into his cave, and that was a no-no.

Polly, I went back and read over your past posts. What some folks here are saying is true...Robin is either a devil or an angel in your eyes. You either say how great he is or what an ****ole he is and not much inbetween. Your emotions run very high in both directions. It must make life at home very explosive.

Instead of putting money into tools you need to think of putting it into some kind of training for Robin. If he's not up for college then how about a trade school. Plumbers, electritions and heating/airconditioning guys make a lot of money and are always in demand. It seems like you two are wasting money instead of investing it even if that isn't what you intend to do. He can't carry heavy loads for long without hurting himself. He needs to learn a trade so that he can get a real job and not just look in the paper and see whose hiring.

It also sounds like the two of you need to develop some better communication skills. Yelling and withdrawing and rude remarks aren't communicating in fact they close it down tight. I found a place a while back and we used the rules and they helped Mike and I. Fair Fighting (http://www.ku.edu/~grobe/rules-of-fair-fighting.html)

Hope things work out for the two of you because you sound like you really do love each other.

Thanks Firefly. You know, you're right (as were some others) when you said I tend to be extreme about him, he's either flawless or a turd. I know, I'm like that, it's a personality flaw. It must be hard for him to handle. He's still here after 4 and 1/2 years! It amazes me when I think about it.

His way of solving things is to withdraw and think. Then when he's ready, he comes out and talks about it. I think a lot of men are like that. I want to talk right away, I solve problems by talking, he wants to go in his "cave" and process things, and then talk about them. It's in that book, "Men are from Mars..."

We have really had a very hard year. It's been the hardest year I can ever remember. We've been under tremendous stress. I was diagnosed with a rare disease which pretty much scared the crap out of me, I don't know how he feels, but maybe he's scared too. We tried so hard to get more work, and no matter what we did, it just wasn't there. I guess that's why I blew a gasket about him walking off of the drywall job. But, when he explained the conditions to me, I guess I couldn't have taken it either.

I like the idea about him going to a trade school. I'm going to talk to him about that. Thank you for the suggestion. :)

Polly,

I'm glad things have calmed down for the two of you. I can imagine how torn up and frustrated Robin may be.

The truth is that jobs do start at $8-9 for some of the labor jobs and unless Robin has verifiable experience in the industries where he applies, it's hard to ask for much more.

I didn't like the idea at all of him lifting 250 pounds, and even more so carrying rolls of carpet up three flights of stairs. He isn't a fricking work horse and he shouldn't be doing that stuff.

I strongly urge you to look into vocational programs in your area, perhaps check the one stops. There are many available. Also the one stops may offer classes in self esteem issues, motivation and career step planning. The apprenticeship programs are considered more primo and can sometimes be difficult to get in. Here in Oregon for some of the apprenticeships, there is a requirement of 8th grade math which is actually pretty high.

I'll bet he carries a big load mentally with the anguish of being a fully participating member of a household and sometimes not being able to complete that role and trying to figure out what he can do to earn a decent living and be the man you know he can be. That's a toughie. Very difficult.

I'm going to check on Ohio's workforce board right now.

Dang it all.

Cindy

PS I will be in St. Louis, Missourri on June 13 and stay through till the 17th.

Oh Polly, I am so glad you two made up. Please think of a way NEXT time you are upset to not blow up at Robin. Either call a girlfriend and "process" it or post here but don't regress into "it is all over etc.". That is not reality... ok?

Again, you are right. Things are terrible right now job-wise in America. I don't know what the answer is overall for the economy, but bottom line is that families have to PULL TOGETHER and stay strong. We need each other more than ever these days.
Have a great weekend Polly... you certainly deserve it.
Barbara

Originally posted by blondie
You are so maternal. You've said something before to the effect that when it comes to your kids you're like a protective tiger. We have to watch out for them, have "Plan B, C, D, E..." I understand you and Robin have had a good relationship for a long time now. I wish you could wait awhile on this, give it some time. The economy is HORRIBLE at the moment, gas was $1.69 today. He is who he is, and will probably become a more extreme version of himself as the years go by, both good and bad qualities. He was good working with you when your business was better. Just give this some time. Maybe sit down with him and construct a survival plan together. I hope things work out for you and your children, either with him or without him, and I hope with.
Hugs.
Liz

only 1.69???? that's a bargain for us san diegans....

highest i've seen was 2.70 but it's about 2.30 a gallon right now.

the joys of living in san diego.:rolleyes:

maybe i should move somewhere where gas is CHEAPER...

like...like ...ohio.:D :p

Hugs Polly... Hang in there :)

Well, today was a day of REVELATION! I posted on here, then took the trade thought to Robin (Thank you, again, Firefly). He was down with it, and after a half an hour of discussion, decided he'd like to check out being a fireman. Since Robin is a strong, brave, moral soul, I thought that would be a fine vocation for him, although I don't relish the thought of him being trapped in a burning house! He's smart though, I hope he'd know when to say when.

Anyway, he decided to take a tile job instead. It pays about $500 a week. We decided to split up the expenses, he pays his share, I pay mine. I worked it out on paper tonight, and we decided it was good for both of us. Laying tile pays big bucks once you know what you're doing and can get some side jobs. Robin is hopeful about this. We got it through an old friend of mine, so at least this time, Robin will know someone.

This morning was really something though. Robin was so frustrated and in tears, not knowing what to do, and feeling like he had no control over the money he'd be bringing in, like it would be going for things he didn't approve of. He revealed that his parents never, ever helped him to get ahead or make something of himself, he had no guidance. Ever! Then he felt like I was too controlling and it was hard to make me happy. When he explained it all to me, I finally saw it through his eyes, and I cried too. I felt so horrible for being so jealous and so controlling. I've gotten a lot better lately, but damn! I did some damage early on in the relationship, and Robin kept it to himself so he wouldn't "rock the boat". I'm glad he is able to come out with it now, and I'm glad I am able to change.

Anyway, things look hopeful now. I was insulted at first that Robin wanted to seperate everything, like a roommate, but then I saw the sense in it. I DO spend impulsively, I DO spend some of his share on the kids, on things they don't need and in his eyes, don't deserve because they're not keeping up on their responsibilities. I can see why he wants his own money, his own budget, and his own way to save. He's still willing to pay 1/2 of everything, including necessities for the kids, but I will pay for their clothes (they want the department store brands) and their activities. That's fair.:)

Thanks to all who took the time to reply to my mess! I know I'm an overreactive whacko, but hey, wouldn't the boards be boring without my dilemmas now and then??? :D

Polly....

I'm just glad that you and Robin are working things out. I don't ever want to see that love between you and him, not flow. You two, I know in my heart, are really good for another. It's like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle...

And, once all of these things get straightened out and lined up...

I know you two will be surpremely happy...

My parents have gone through bouts of tight money...when my dad was layed off. (This was when I was a lil Dan_Shues. My mother retired a few years before having me.)...and it was thier true love that kept them together through that rough time...inventive ways...and loving ways...

And, I hope in my heart that...you and Robin will be blessed in that aspect as well....

*Hugs*

Love,

~Dan

Awwww Danno! Thank you so much! You're such an awesome guy and a good friend! BTW, is that baby avatar YOU???

*smiles*...you're quite welcome, Polly!

*LOL* No, that's not me. I wish that was me, though!

I'll have to try to dig a baby picture of me up and get it into the avatar..I'll see what I can do! But, I'll never be able to find one as good as the one's I'm finding. *smiles*

Personally, I think that baby just had an accident...*LOL*

I'm glad to see that things are looking up for you Polly. Justin and I have been through hard times like that too but I was the one having the hard time finding decent work. At one point Justin was the sole bread winner and it was very hard on us, I carried a load of guilt at that time. I finally bit the bullet and took out a student loan and put myself through school and it was the best decision I ever made. I've got a great job that I love and feel like I've got a career now and not just a job. It was a boost to my self esteem and helped me gain my independence, something I desperately needed to find. I think me being so dependent on Justin was one of the big problems in our relationship.

We use to combine both of our incomes together and now since we got back together we split all the household bills. I pay 2/3 of the bills since there is me and the 2 boys and Justin pays 1/3 since there is just him. We are both making very good money now and we are more financially stable then we have been in our lives. Keep your chin up and be supportive and understanding with each other. You and Robin are very strong and it's very clear that you both love each other so much. Together you can both get through this.

Hugs to you both!
Brenda

Just a short note to let you know that I understand how frustrating it is when your partner lets you down in the mutual responsibilities dept. You must have felt betrayed when you found out that Robin left a job after only two hours. Is there any possibility that Robin is suffering from a clinical depression? That sounds like something a depressed person might do--give up on something without really giving it a chance.

Witchy

Thank you Toasty! We are really trying to find a way to get him into a career he really would like. As for me, I'm going to wait until my kids are gone, then I will also go back to school and get into something I would enjoy more.

Witchy, I was kind of thinking the same thing. I DO think he might be somewhat clinically depressed, and I wasn't paying attention. I DO think he thinks automatically that things won't work out, because that has been a consistent experience in his life, but I also think there's a way to get out of that mindset.

He's really hopeful about this next job because the circumstances are very different. The drywall job he went into was Union, for one, and he hates Union jobs. Then, they put him next to some old man who'd been doing it for 100 years, and the old man was criticizing him every minute! THEN, a Union rep was walking through all the time, making sure he had on his helmet and safety glasses, etc. THEN they were made to take breaks every so often, which Robin doesn't like, he likes to work straight through until he feels tired, which can be hours. Anyway, you get the idea, the biggest beef he had was the old guy giving him crap the whole time.

He starts a new job Monday, with a guy I've known for a long time. It pays $12.50 an hour, but it's hard work. However, Robin will not have to wear a hard hat or glasses, no Union Rep, no nagging old man, and the boss pays cash. He should pull in $500 a week or more. I'll be pulling in over $3,000 a month, on top of paying some friends to help me one or two days a week, so I'm a happy camper!

Yes, the depression and negative, "It won't work out for me" attitude needs to be addressed. I do think though, that a friendlier environment will make all the difference in the world for Robin. When I get an unfriendly customer, I usually don't stay with that house very long. The ones who treat me with respect and appreciate my work are the ones I stay with for years.

My ex got a job, his only job while we were together. It was laying asphalt; big deal job. He knew most of the guys on the truck and a couple of them helped him get this great paying job. It paid 13.00 or so 10 years ago.

Evidently there was an initiation for any new kid who came along and when Tony came he got initiated. Even the friends who got him the job - they tore him up. They called him a bunch of names, yelled alot. On the second day they called him a pretty little girl. He walked away and never looked back.

I coulda killed him.

MEN! BONDING THROUGH ABUSE! I am so glad that I am a woman.

Well, the one thing about the tile job is, my sweet friend Fred, who I knew in my band days and only ran into again 2 weeks ago, is anxious to get Robin on there, and he will make sure Robin is treated well and paid well. Robin doesn't do well with people treating him like crap, apparently, he's gotten enough of that from his own family. He does very well though, for anyone who shows him approval and encouragement. I think anyone in a management or supervisory position would know you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. You don't talk to someone like a dog for hours and expect them to try to learn from you! I mean, whoever does that is just stupid! I'd never treat someone who cleaned with me that way!

My dear over-reactive wacko :D

I'm glad that you guys are working it out.
Money problems are the worst and it can be very hard when a young person still making their way in the world feels so much pressure to contribute as an adult provider.

Do understand that Robin wants nothing more, I'm sure, than to provide and take care of you - it's just that he has to find a way to do it that won't kill his soul.

I'm sure he will.

Now stop breaking up with each other every week :>

You know Polly, one of these days you are going to take your own advice... Remember how you keep telling people to *communicate*? Well, this all happened because you and Robin stopped talking. You didn't realize it at the time, but now that you look back, you can see what you weren't discussing and agreeing on. Good for you for talking it out with him and agreeing to do some things that you really didn't want to do (like divide expenses.)

Don't stop researching trade school or a non-college career. I used to date a man who laid tile. Yes it paid a lot, but he was on his knees all day and they got arthritis in them and his back was bad. By the time he was 36 he was an old man. It's hard on the body that's why it pays so much.

Good luck with the way things are working out. It's good to see how much he loves you.

((HUG))
Jane

My neighbor, who is a Firefighter, gave us a brochure yesterday evening. Robin is really seriously thinking about that for a long-term career. The tile job is firm, he spoke to the main guy yesterday, so he'll do that for now, but in the Fall, EMT classes will start, and when he completes those, he'll be ready to train to be a firefighter.

You know, I was so comfortable with him cleaning with me (he made it easy, he did all the stuff that's hard on my back) I never thought about HIS needs or HIS future. I'm excited for him now. He mapped out his whole "plan" last night, complete with a timeline. He talked to my friend Fred on the phone for hours, and they decided that at some point they'd get into real estate together.

Robin believes things all happen for a reason. Isn't it funny, how I hadn't seen Fred in 18 years, I knew him back in my band days, and he just "turns up" 2 weeks ago, gives us his number, and gets Robin a job. That one falls through, so he says, "Well, I'm actually kind of glad it fell through, because we just fired someone today and could use Robin over here!" Then he and Robin become two peas in a pod, talking on the phone several times since last week, and now they want to refurbish old houses and resell them.

Robin now believes the drywall job wasn't supposed to work out, because something better came along. You know what? That's true for relationships too! Some of them aren't supposed to work out, because something better is on its way.

Oh, and DS, I'll bite my tongue from now on and quit over-reacting. It'll be like a smoker giving up cigarettes, me giving up the drama, but it'll make for a more peaceful household and more stability between Robin and me.

Originally posted by Polly
My neighbor, who is a Firefighter, gave us a brochure yesterday evening. Robin is really seriously thinking about that for a long-term career.

Tell him to go for it Polly. My son-in-law just enrolled in fire school and will start in April. He has ALWAYS wanted to do that and went through the whole course when he graduated high school. Then he got a good job offer doing something else and never took the firefighter/emt test. Now, eight years later, he still wants to be a fireman and has enrolled to take the course again. I told my daughter, it will be a good career with good benefits and the way our firemen work (24 hours on/48 hours off) all our guys have side jobs and are pulling in some really decent money.

I know it is a dangerous job when they are fighting fires, but for the most part our guys sit around the fire station, work out in their very well-equipped workout room and cook. I see them at the grocery store more than I ever see them anywhere else.

I agree!! He should do it!! Plus men in uniform are so sexy!!!

Way to go Polly, life is so much better enjoyed then looking for the a stroke.

I'm glad you and Robin have work this through. I know you can be the support he needs to be his own person, on his own two feet and as they say, you support him now, and it comes around later when you decide to go to school.

As for the drama, count before you open your mouth, while you're counting look this man in the eyes and remember that when you hurt him, you hurt yourself. He's with you because he loves you, don't take him or his love for granted.

Paris

Very wise words, irparis, I'll adhere to them. I probably have been taking him for granted, even though I didn't mean to, and now it's time to show him he means the world to me.

Trish, I just noticed you're from Rhode Island and your hair is red! I have a "Rhode Island Red" hen! :D She's the one who pushes past me at the back door and heads for the cat food! Her name is "Ruby" and she's my favorite.

Nessa, I hear ya, I'm pretty much addicted to drama. I try so hard not to over react, but it's easier said than done. I've actually gotten better through the years (I used to be even worse!), but it's a slow process.

Tru, he WILL look sexy in his uniform! Hopefully, there won't be too many chicks around to see that!:(

Peachy, I think it's great that your son-in-law is doing that. I think it's one of the finest, bravest professions to be in, along with being a police officer or serving in the military. Robin has the kind of courage and dedication to be a good firefighter. He's not too happy about having to cut his hair though!

Polly, coming in really late on this.
This brings up lots of bad baggage for me, though, and was a big cause of my last marriage breaking up. Every time he got ticked off at a job, or somebody didn't treat him right, or he got bored, he'd walk off, and I'd wind up taking a second job yet again to support us. I finally decided if I was going to bust my *** to support us, it wasn't going to be all of us.
Thing is, Robin is still helping you, at your job, hopefully, and he's still young. My ex was 45.
And still doing it, despite two trade school degrees, neither of which he was using.
I think it is totally reasonable to expect him to have a timeline for when he will be employed full time, and expect it to be followed through on. It can become a bad habit to quit a job without finding another one first, and not something a responsible person does lightly.
I've hated jobs with a passion, and had no problems job hunting while working them, but can't even fathom how an adult with a family to support could just leave unless conditions were dangerous, or threatening.
And everbody hates a new job at first, till you're trained, you feel dumb, you don't know people, or where things are, or what procedures to follow. You learn, and you get over that.
Yes, tech school, firefighter school, but I'd also let him know that whatever he chooses, he sticks with, and doesn't just walk off when it gets tough.
Its not about being a drama queen, its about taking responsibility and sacrificing for the good of the family unit.
With my ex, he didn't get a job the last time for nine months, while I was working 60 hours a week. Destroyed any trust and respect I had for him. He'd get one, last a day, or a week, and quit. I had no continuity of daycare for my little one, or anything. It wasn't till I said no more cigs, or beer, or fast food, or anything remotely resembling a luxery item for him, beyond a roof over his head and food in his tummy and stuck with it, that he found a job and kept it.
Of course, within a couple of years, I left, and he's actually had the nerve to gripe to me, that he can't quit this one, since I walked out on him.
Darn.

Hi Polly,

Thanks for all your help lately with my own relationship stresses. You speak so highly of Robin and its clear that you love each other very much.

First, I've got admit that I had a lot of problems myself in the workforce when I was much younger. I basically didn't suit a lot of menial jobs, and felt very trapped and depressed when I was dependent on work that in no way matched my potential. I wasn't lazy, but I know I would have trouble committing myself to a cleaning job in my twenties. I knew I was capable of much more and wanted a chance to see what I could accomplish.

What worked for me personally was investing time into getting credentials which allowed me to work in jobs which DID match my potential. Now frankly a lot of guys didn't take their relationship with me seriously when I was a low income earning student, and that really hurt. Now, years later I'm a very dependable worker and income provider. I love my work more than anyone else I know, and make good money.

I wonder if Robin falls into this category? I wonder if he has any career goals, or whther hes got into a rut and is avoidign thinking about all this?

Secondly, I'm so sorry to hear about the financial stress you're experiencing. This is a very important part of life and I understand how let down you must feel by Robin's lack of work.

In my (humble) opinion you need to work out some sort of appropriate boundary with Robin which prevents him from using you financially. Because you love and therefore support him, its probably easier for him to avoid addressing his career issues.

Instead of kicking him out, maybe you could reduce your level of finacial support to a level which encourgaes him to go out find what he wants. Tell hime exactly why you're doing it...not to hurt him, but to make him NEED to do something to break out of this rut.

I guess what I'm suggesting is that you definately need to set some boundaries with Robin so that you don't feel so mad that you want to leave him. Can you think of anything? Breaking up seems a little extreme.

All the best Polly! You haev a good head on your shoulders...I'm sure you'll invent something creative to sort out this situation.

To the Bella's: :D

I guess you both missed my post about Robin immediately getting the tile job? He just started that yesterday, with the guy who originally got him the drywall job. Robin had a hard day, but it's a job he can handle, and, as I mentioned previously, I knew my friend, Fred, would treat Robin the way he deserves to be treated. I must be part of the hot-headed crowd, because if I had been on that drywall job and some old man was riding my *** the whole time, I'd have walked off too! Like I said before, if you expect people to learn from you, you don't talk down to them and treat them like a dog.

Robin is definitely NOT one to sit around without a job. My initial frustration, when he walked off the drywall job, was more panicking about the bills. I wish I had given him a chance to process what happened to him. He's NOT one to use people for money, he's never done that and he never would.

Anyway, all's well now.:) My sweet, wonderful friend, Fred, is showing Robin the ropes as far as the tile job goes, and they are making plans to branch off and start their own tile business, since Fred has been doing it for 20 years, and Robin has the muscle to get the job done. They are apparently enjoying eachother's company very much. Fred thinks Robin is really smart, and Robin thinks Fred is extremely talented. It's a win-win situation.

The moral of the story here is: Give a guy a chance before blowing a gasket.

Hi Polly,

Wow, that thread happened so fast! I started replying to your post when there were only four responses, and no updates. Sorry about that!!

Anyway congratulations for working it out with Robin. Well done!

A wonderful thing is happening here. You and Robin are setting wonderful goals and reaching for your dreams together. Ive read many of your posts and yes, you may have drama but you also got alot of spunk! I think yall are gonna make it! Best of Luck to both of you! Maybe we will be eyeballing Robin on a future Firefighters Calender. (Was that the wrong thing to say?) :)