total melt down

I'm posting this on chat because it does not involve a relationship

first of all my son, whos friends broke into my house and stold about $3000 worth of stuff which my insurance will pay most of.

they also stold my cell phone and made calls, guess what, I know the people they called but the police don't seem to care.

on top of this, I find out from other parents that my son smokes pot and cigarettes.

4 months ago he was clean.

the moms said I was so happy when I found out my son was hanging out with your son... because I knew he was a good kid.

well they all dragged him down.

If I could slit my wrists right now... I broke into my son's bedroom and beat the crap out of him, I am 5'4" and he is 6ft and I didn't hurt him at all but the point is .. I told him... I gave up my life for you and when you throw your life away you are also thowing MY life away

He promised and promised he wouldn't do those things.

God I wish I was dead...

On top of this my daughter is pissed at me and quite frankly if she wants to make a battle I will just do without her..

Don't feel bad, Swan, my 13 year old gave me a black eye tonight. I'm ready for a nice quiet life. I'm tired of this crap. Sometimes I fear that I'm going to be living with the results of my ex's buttheadedness for the rest of my life. . .

Kids... we love them to pieces and they break our hearts. I'm so sorry Swan that you are going through this. Just know that I'm thinking of you.

swan, kid's make stupid mistakes, now take creidit for raising a child that other parents admire, he is still that kid, and i will tell you why, point blank.... you are 5'4" and you beat down his door and knocked the crap out of him, guess what? he respects you, unfortunately most kids would have beaten the crap out of the mother these days, blow off your steam, let him know how you sacraficed, let him know it was because he is worth it and if you had to do it all again tomorrow you would again , because you love him. ( the little bugger )

the world has gotten extremely complicated for our children, and it our job to make it as simple they gotta have values. i have read your posts and you have strong and good heart, he is a lucky kid and most likely he will come around.

girl children are complicated like we are ourselves, being a single mother is very demanding, it sounds like your pulling it off, we all have off days, my heart goes out more for the kid's without the moms who care enough to bust a gasket when the crap hits the fan. Our kids know one thing, we love them, we may want to beat the crap out of them when they risk their lives or when they dont live by the values we try so hard to teach them, but they know more so than their friends that they are loved.

Take care, you and your son are in my prayers... kitty

Swan, this must be a terrible time for you. I'm so sorry.

But take a deep breath. It will get better. He sounds like a good kid, he just got mixed up with the wrong crowd. He's going through a rough age right now, and it can be really hard growing up these days. There's always light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes you hit a curve in the road and you can't see it for a while. Hang in there.

Swan, I don't blame you for your behavior and I see that you are very hurt. I'll pray for you. :)

Molly, if your son likes to hit women, tell him to PM me, we'll chat! :mad:
You shouldn't tolerate that type of violent behavior from him.



Swan and Molly, stand up to your sons and DON'T BACK DOWN FROM YOUR RULES. In the end, they are the ones that will regret their childish behavior and they will be the ones weeping in the end!

Maybe you should send them to juvenile so that bigger kids can whoop their asses for disobeying their parents, much less hitting on them!!! http://mysmilies.ipbfree.com/s/cwm/cwm/angryfire.gif

I tell ya', kids nowadays have no respect for their parents!!!

Swan I'm sorry to hear what your son has been up to. I know how heartbreaking it can be when your kids make really BAD choices. Wouldn't it be great if they could learn from OUR mistakes???

But they have these little minds of their own, and they can make our lives hell at times. The other night my 16 year old got up at midnight, and she told me she was going jogging to "clear her mind." AT MIDNIGHT!!

She called me paranoid. We arged, I told her to get her buns back into bed, and she did. See, we make their lives hell in our own way too. They want to be all grown up and think they don't need us, but they do, oh BOY do they.

It will get better, swan. I know my oldest daughter tried drinking, and she's been a challenge in many other ways. It has gotten better. Now there are different challenges... there are always going to be as long as we love them.

We're all in this together, swan.... hang in there and know that we're here for ya. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You're a GREAT mom.

K

Swan-I know there are days when I want to just 'throw in the towel' too...my always saving grace is that IF i let myself fall apart....then my kids would HAVE to live with my ex...I couldnt DO it to them;) I always say...that when my kids have pushed me so far as to be that ANGRY with them....something's GOT TO CHANGE....and it's USUALLY them=). PLZ...step back...a while...take some time to breathe and DO...SOMETHING...GOOD FOR YOU...even if it's 10 min. in the tub...(I cry there a LOT and pray for GOD to do things on MY schedule...never quite works that way tho...wonder why?).....I go through EVERYTHING my kids have...backpacks, drawers, notes...as long as they live in MY house...we dont have privacy...except in the bathroom..and Ive been KNOWN to break in there too when necessary. I love teenagers...once they've got through that second semester seventh grade year to the second semester sophomore yr...sometimes the JUNIOR yr...UNTIL then....I BOW down to middle school teachers....I hate JR. HIGH/EARLY HS years=). Give me a dozen rowdy preschoolers ANYDAY!! Ill pray for you and the rest of us dealing with KIDS....my favorite saying to myself...THIS TOO SHALL PASS...the thing is...JUST WHAT AM I GOING TO GO THROUGH THIS TIME UNTIL IT DOES? Continue to give love, set consequences and STICK TO YOUR GUNS....dont give in to that internal ANGER setpoint....know it's there to mean that change has to happen....your kids NEED you even though they are making choices that STINK rite now. They are testing YOU to see IF you are gonna be the one to stick by them and LIMIT them where they cannot do it for themselves. Im dealing with the internally angry, raging 14 yr. old who can throw things around the house so well i made her sign up to shot put in track this spring....if she can throw that darn well....she gonna PUT IT TO GOOD USE! Her counselor says...let her rage and ignore...well I can, but then she UPS the anty...brings it TO ME...LORD!....her bedroom is rite by the neighbors bedroom window and I KNOW sometimes you can hear her music THREE MILES AWAY....:( Can you find a consequence that is so valuable that IF you take it away....temporarily....there will be motivation for CHANGE....?
For mine...it is the computer to TALK with her friends....Ive hidden the modem and let her rage without it....it is DARN tough...but is helping get SOME of her self-control back...IF ONLY to get her computer back online...baby steps first...Hugs to YOU! Darla

PS...the sad thing about consequences is that you HAVE to BE THERE to enforce...it's like being grounded yourself and having NO LIFE....what is up with that?=)....sometimes i want a surrogate parent just for ENFORCING the crap they MAKE me put in place...so I can get a break too=).

Being straight and drug free is sometimes a process and not an event. You say you did not hurt him by beating on him, but did it help him? For most kids, doing drugs is a way to mask their pain or anger. That is what needs to be dealt with.

I am so sorry what you are going through, Swan. The stress sounds terrible. Please please consider going to Al-anon for support and advice on dealing with your son. They have helped millions get back their peace of mind and repair relationships.

And Molly! a black eye! What did you do about that after he did that? Please do not let it go. My daughter FINALLY called the police on her daughter for physically attacking her. Since then her daughter has not resorted (sp. ck) to violence.

You are both in my thoughts and prayers. :(

oh and molly...yellowrose is SO RITE...that kind of violence CANNOT continue...i, too, have called the police IF any of my kids try to resort to physical violence....I am still stronger than the younger ones, but physically restraining is not an option without hurting one of us. The problem with calling them is that you have to file a complaint for anything to be done really....they MAY detain them in juvenile up to 72 hrs. here in IL. I've never had to get that far as just THEM showing up is enough to put an abrupt HALT to any vision they have of losing that much control. My kids TRY those things here because i am the mother, oh lucky me;)....Do what you need to to show them that INDEED YOU ARE....YOU are the one that will establish guidelines for behavior in your home....with love, of course....but that violence in any manner will NOT be tolerated.

Swan,

Why you be raisin' Bebe's kids? Didn't nobody ax you to do that! :D

LOL Sorry, couldn't resist!

Man! You might need to ship that kid off to military school or something. Some kids NEED hard, stern masculine authority...
before it's too late.

Just a thought.

HARRISON!! and most kids just need and want to get rid of anger and know that they are loved even tho they may TRY and TEST the person MOST who is closest to them....I think that shippin kids OFF is a cop-out....kids NEED families to set limits...not some guy in a military uniform who doesnt know your kid from ADAM! Only in the most EXTREME cases of violence and self-abuse should THAT advice be USED...OR in cases where the parent cannot continue to parent or refuses to.....sorry Harrison, my good ole bud;)

Singalou, you l'il sugar lump.

If you were my Mom, I'd be running the show!! :D


lol, j/k

HAHAHAHAHAHAHH...........

I DUNS ....THINK SO=)!!

:D :p

I want to apologize to Molly. I completely missed your note about the black eye! :(

And, Babes! You poor woman. My heart goes out to you. Wish there was more that I could say or do for all of you.

I'm counting my blessings.

Oh my gosh....these stories break my heart. I have a teenager and a pre-teen myself, and I have my problems too. My main problem is with them disrespecting me. As a single Mom it very much hurts my feelings that they can be all nice and wonderful with everyone else, but to me, the person who sacrificed her entire life and nearly every penny I have ever made, they act completely disrespectful.

Reading you stories I can see where this could be leading too. I know how hurt you all must feel....I have gone to sleep a few nights crying myself, and my situation has not hit these proportions yet.

Swan, I have so much respect for you as a Mother, and I know you are feeling discouraged. I know for a fact that kids don't think out the consequences of what they do, and they surely don't think of how the things they do might make YOU feel. Your son is good kid, capable of great things, and you ARE a good parent. I know after a little recovery time you will give him the guidance he needs to get back on track. *hugs*

Lynn, girl...I hate to say this, but its almost best that he is out of the house while he is acting like that. You have to think of yourself too. His behavior with smashing things and threatening to hit you is far beyond unacceptable.

I just hate to see these kids treat their Mom's like this. Its such a betrayal. And notice, we all are single Mom's.

*hugs* all around to everyone...I will certainly keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. If anyone wants to get together in the chat room as a group and talk about this stuff...please PM me and I will be happy to join in.

To Swan, Molly and Babes-
my heart goes out to you!!
I know what you are going though.
Raising teens is like being in the
trenches of hell!

I have a lot going on too.
I just got Lucas back to school after
his fighting episode and then my 17 year old
daughter, Brianna, decides she needs to
pull her stunts too.

She has a "new" boyfriend.
His name is Jeff and he is 16, (will be 17 in April).
He does not go to school,
(says he got his GED- but I am doubtful),
and he is, well, basically homeless.
Right now he is in "Youth Detention", (jail).
He seems to be a "nice boy"-
but him not being in school caused Brianna
to start ditching classes to hang out with him.
No, he has no job, (of course).
I have had to threaten and really lay down the
law that if she does not go to school-
she cannot live here.
Her grades were fine up until this school year
and then she began "hanging out" with a bunch of
kids that do not attend school and now she has
lost credits for cutting so many classes.

Here is Washington State we have,
what is called The Becca Bill and if
a kid has more than 10 unexcused absences-
they can charge the parent $25 a day and
teen AND parent end up in court.
If you do not pay the fine for this-
the parent goes to jail!
Plus the teen automatically lose class credits for
those unexcused absences.

This Becca Bill,
(named after a 14 year old girl that was
found murdered, of which they say if she had
not been cutting classes, she would have not been
"out there" to be murdered), has caused thousands
of teens in our state to drop out of school.
Parents pull their kids out of school-
which is legal at age 16, rather then get slapped
with paying the fine and having to go to court.

So far,
I have Brianna going to her classes now,
(I call daily to make sure),
but she is behind in her credits now and
this really burns my butt!
It is going to take a big effort on her part
to make those classes up and I just don't see
that ambition in her at this point.

I did some checking on Jeff, the boyfriend,
and I found out that he and his 13 year old sister
were removed from their home because his
mother and her "boyfriend" are heroin addicts and
also the mother's boyfriend was abusive
towards Jeff and his sister.
They put Jeff's sister in a foster home
and then placed Jeff in a teen boy's group home,
(there are very few foster homes that will
agree to take 16 year old boys).
He is presently in "Youth Detention" for running
away from the group home.
Of course Jeff and Brianna say they are "in love"
and nothing can keep them apart.
::: groan :::

Jeff has been calling me and updating
me on his case and all that is happening to him.
This boy has no one that cares
about him at all-
except for my daughter, of course.
She even asked me if Jeff could come and
live with us!!
I had to say no.
I have my plate full with the kids I have here,
plus I have to move in May or June.

Dealing with the teen crap is so hard
and my heart aches for all of you that are dealing
with these teens that think they are
full grown and wise enough to make adult choices-
of which, they are not!
I tell ya,
if I had a dollar for every time I heard,
It's MY life and I can do what I want-
YOU can't tell me what to do!!-
I'd be a rich woman.

And in Jeff's case-
I get sooooo ticked off when a parent
isn't responsible and neglects and abuses
their children.
They end up like Jeff-
aimless and out there on the streets
with MY teens taking them under thier wing!!

I can see I have rambled too long
on this thread- sorry!!

All we can do is support one another
while raising teens and I hope we can
all "come out of this alive" with our teens figuring out
how to be resposible adults
and us still somewhat sane.

It's so hard.

Thanks guys. Sorry, Swan, I didn't mean to hijack your string last night. I was melting down too.

The deal with my son goes a little farther than bad behavior. Yes, he picked it up from seeing his father's treatment of me, but there's also a neurological disability there - he's partially brain damaged and has no impulse control. That makes things even worse and the need for discipline and structure even more pertinent. When he hits a critical mass, he is unable to control himself and frankly, I fear the worst for his future.

The neurologists have been using ADD meds for him for a lack of anything better and for a while, they sometimes work. He'll be like any other normal kid for several weeks but he quickly becomes immune to them and the violent outbursts. It used to be that he'd smack his head on things or throw himself around his room. Now, the violence is gravitating, and believe me, after living with his father for way too long, I was afraid this might happen.

Somebody mentioned sparing the rod - I don't know about anybody else but I believe in spanking a kid, even at 13. My son did not get away with this behavior but, with his limited capacity for understanding, I'm not even sure he'll remember the consequences the next time he gets frustrated. That concerns me very much. His impulse control has never been good, now it's slowly developing into something far more dangerous.

As for the cops. . .I called them last night. They wouldn't come over. I figured that it might scare him at least, to have a cop lecture him? They said that because he was only 13 it was probably a one time thing and not to worry about it! Lord, I feel SO safe in this town...jeez! It's bad enough having his father float around here until the court thing is done, now I have to worry about him too? The doctor says that the one recourse I DO have is having him committed for an extended stay, at least it would get him out of the house for a while. That made me feel LOADS better. yeesh.

Swan and Babes, I'm sorry things are so tough for ya'll right now. My stuff isn't anywhere near that bad, just very frustrating.

Thanks, Ness, that's a fantastic idea!

And I know what you mean Lynn. I can't count the times, in THREE different states, I would call the police on the ex and they wouldn't take him because he was "a man of the cloth and a minister would NEVER hit his wife"!! Okay, I fractured my own jaw officer. . . That used to irritate me to no end. I had some places that wouldn't even let me file so when it came to getting the divorce, my attempts at building an abuse case were severely altered by these idiots with badges.

Now, I discover it's the same with finding care for kids. What is WRONG with the system? We're in two different countries, Swan and I are several states apart, and still, in all three locations, nobody is really willing to help, nobody is really willing to attempt to help and nobody really cares - until that kid goes on a crime spree of some sort, THEN it's the mother's fault or whatever. That just pisses me off. . ..

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear all of this. I've had MORE than my share raising two girls but it all sort of turns out in the end I suppose....

To Sage:

Jeff has been calling me and updating me on his case and all that is happening to him. This boy has no one that cares about him at all - except my daughter, of course

You said Jeff is a "nice boy". He is reaching out to you because he senses that you are a truly good person (which all of us here know) and that he needs someone to be on his side.

You may be able to "manage" the situation between Jeff and Brianna better if you can find it in your heart to mentor Jeff and steer him in the right direction. Everyone in his life to date has thrown him away and maybe your daughter sees that he just is too good to be thrown away. Is she making some lousy choices, sure. But give her credit if you can about Jeff if he's a good guy and help if you can. It might get their relationship more balanced and help her get her footing at school back on track.

Sometimes it only takes one person to care, you know?

Oh, I agree with all you say Bubbleee-
but Jeff cannot live with us.
Besides, if it didn't work out-
of which it probably wouldn't work out,
I'd be just another person kicking him to the curb.

I want to help Jeff help himself.
He can't live here,
but he can visit here and I am more than
willing to help him with choices and all of that.

I have already told Jeff that I am more
than happy to advise and counsel him and
I also told him he can come here to visit Brianna,
share our meals, and take part in our family "rituals"-
BUT
he has to prove to me that he is a young man
that we can trust and that he is willing to do all
that he can to better his life and prepare for his future.
He can get grants for community college-
(which I will help him with), he can get a job,
(he can use me for a reference), and he can do all
he can to make due living in the group home.
He told me they do not abuse him there,
(he just doesn't like it).
Oh well, there is a lot in this world we don't
like, but have to endure.
I told him this is a temporary setting for him and he
needs to focus more on getting busy with
getting a job or more schooling.

I am being tough on him-
but I have to be.

That you are doing all those thing to help Jeff, Sage, because that is how you are.

And, of course, it makes sense for him to stay where he is at the group home.

People like you recognize an opportunity here to change the course of someone's life, even when their own might not be going swimmingly. (Been there!) I'm not an overly religious person but coming to the aid of the Jeff's of the world is really what religion is all about to me. Personally, I find that making a difference in someone's life is far more rewarding that all the gold in King Solomon's mines.

You are made of the right stuff Sage! Someday all the kids will thank all of us, right? LOL

Originally posted by bubbleee
You are made of the right stuff Sage! Someday all the kids will thank all of us, right? LOL

Thanks Bubbleee-
I just hate to see "throw away kids"
and I think Jeff does want to make
responsible choices-
it's just that he doesn't know how.
Besides, at 16, he is
still, just a kid...
(tall kid though-
he must be 6 ft 5 at least!!
But what a bean-pole-
that boy is skinny!)

Yes, I pray that I live long enough
for all my kids to be grown and humble
enough to thank me for all I have endured!
I also pray that each one of them
has a child exactly like them!!
LOL

Sage...I think people at that height and being skinny are referred to as "as tall as a pole and half as thick" *LOL*

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about what has happened to you all, Swan, Molly, Sage and Lynn...

You all will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I will be praying and wishing for the best possible outcomes...

*Hugs*

~Dan

My daughter's two oldest children, age 17 (girl) and almost 14 (boy) have been living with me for the past 2 months. They are disrepectful to their mom and their new step-father. The oldest has also attacked her Mom (my oldest daughter age 37). The mom doesn't want them living there and they do not want to live there so I ended up with them.

Funny thing is, they BOTH admit that I am more strict than their mother but they like the atmosphere here better. I never shout at them or hit them. I try to joke a lot with them and I do a LOT of listening. I touch them playfully when I walk by. I even watch their MTV stuff for a little bit and comment or ask questions. We watch the Osbournes together and laugh.

I try to catch them doing something RIGHT and I praise them for it. It is hard and I don't know how long I can manage them here financially but I am trying. I think because I am NOT their Mom, I am not so stressed about everything they do. I am a LITTLE detached, you know? Anyway, this is what I do with them at the present. In another month... it could well be another story.

Oh, PS... I definitely do not believe in corporal punishment... esp. for teens. All you do is teach THEM to HIT to control a situation or person... makes no sense at all to me! :rolleyes:

Originally posted by yellowrose
Oh, PS... I definitely do not believe in corporal punishment... esp. for teens. All you do is teach THEM to HIT to control a situation or person... makes no sense at all to me! :rolleyes:

I agree. I never have hit any of my kids, as a rule. The other night was more like I said a total melt down. He was under his blanket at the time and I know I didn't hurt him at all, it was more like a temper tantrum on my part, the Mount Visuvious (sp?) of my frustrations lately.

We have a wonderful relationship and he is a wonderful kid, I know I haven't made him out that way lately, but he NEVER talks back to me or yells, we laugh a lot and I hug him a lot.

He is just at that age and I am too old..... I have so many stresses in my life now its a wonder I function... and sometimes I don't.

To the others that have posted their kid problems here, once again you beat me. How come I can't ever have the WORST problem? J/K ;)

Getting here a little late...but here's a HUG for you, Swan, and Babes and all the others having problems with their children. Sage, I think you are a total sweetheart...and it sounds like Jeff is just soaking up the attention!

My son is turning 12 next month. He's very big for his age, he's got a good 40 pounds and 5 inches on me already, and in the past couple of months Ive seen him change a bit, I guess moving towards those angry lashing out teen years we all go through. But, he's a great kid too--Swan you and your son remind me of us, we also hug alot and laugh alot, but I see the potential problems in him and also after reading everyone's trials and tribulations...... Well, I guess this will be a tough few years for alot of us here!

Hang in there, all.....Good thing Mother's Day is coming up!
http://foxtrotters.tripod.com/potharts2.gif

Mrs. HH....were you thinking of auspergers? The woman who teaches for me has a son with auspergers...was misdiagnosed for YEARS....actually has been around for a while, but just in the last 8 yrs or so has become a more prevalent diagnosis.

well there's one thing I do know about all of us....we care a HE$$ of a lot about our kids and are working our lil buns off to see that they stay, get back, start.... productive lives. I know, too, that it IS exhausting to be raising kids, esp. teenagers....but there is STRENGTH in numbers....please know that none of you are alone in your efforts...there are many here dealing with some of the same issues....if anyone needs someone to talk to or just blow off steam....pm me and ill call. Im all for parenting support WHENEVER and however we can get it. Ill be praying for all of you and asking God to deliver the wisdom and guidance we all need to do our job well! Hugs!!

Originally posted by babes66
Well, Graeme is back!
He appeared late last night, and Rachel moved back yesterday afternoon........so I have a full house again!
I have gone from just Megan and I on Thursday, to all 3 kids back here last night, phew!!!!!!!
I need a holiday! But 1st I have to get to the docs on Monday and get Graeme back on his meds, pronto, and actually hand them to him and watch him take them this time. Then get him back to school, even if I have to go in and sit through every class with him just to make sure he stays there!
If I can keep him on track for the next month or so, hopefully things will work out!

I'm so happy for you that he's home. I'll be thinking of you and your family and praying that things will be better soon. :)