Big Question?

As I posted before I have fallen hard for a wonderful man 19 years my junior. My husband and I have been separated for a year now. (It would have been final but there are some financial issues yet to work out. ) My husband has a very volatile temper ( no physical abuse though)and comes from a family that shows no emotion whatsoever.
No..I love yous..no hugs..no anything. Never even looks in my eyes. My soon to be ex (we have lived apart for the entire year) wants me to try again. We have no children together. Other then the temper he is genuinely a stable good man. Keeps up the house..VERY good provider (financially) My friends and family keep telling me that I need to think of my financial future. My wonderful partner does not make good money and probably never will. (let me state now, that this does not bother me at all) My husband never told me I was pretty, made love to me every 4 months (if that), never held my hand..NOTHING. No passion. I felt as though I was in a deep dark cave with no light shining through. Is it wrong to want passion and spontanaity in ones life? My lover looks at me and treats me as though I was truly a goddess. He adores me and I adore him.
I do not want to go back. But my friends say the passion could never last between two people with a big age gap and that I would kick myself later for not at least trying with my ex. HELP!

Hi Joi,
Before I can really give my opinion on your situation, how long have you and your husband been married? I mean, has it been long enough to KNOW he wont change? Is he willing to go through some anger management classes and/or marriage counseling? Have you exhausted every possibility there is? If he isnt willing to get help, then no, he probably wont ever change. And just a note...alot of times bad tempers CAN turn to violence, eventhough he hasnt hit you yet.

Let me just say this...I stayed in an abusive marriage for 19 years and he never did change. He had a horrible temper - and mix that with drugs and alcohol and you get an explosion!! We did have two children together, so that was one of my main reasons for staying (though now I know that was the wrong thing to do). And eventhough things are tough financially now, I wouldnt go back there for a million bucks! And no, I wouldnt give up passion or real love for money either. And yes, that same passion and love CAN last a lifetime. It takes work sometimes, but it CAN last. And lastly, 19 years is a fine age gap ;) There's nothing wrong with that!!

I know I havent helped alot, but maybe given you some things to think about. Good luck, and let us know...

Southerngal

Welcome to Ageless Joi~

First let me tell you
that I have lived in that
dark cave that you write of.
I know what a dismal
place that can be!!

It does sound as though your marriage
is at the end of the road,
so to speak-
at least it is with you.
The only advice I have for you is to
take care of the task at hand,
(your divorce), and tie up all the loose
ends there.

Your quest for help does bother me
in this regard-
it seems you will only consider being
with your Lover or being with your husband.
What about just being on your own?

You mentioned:
I would kick myself later for not at least trying with my ex
I don't get this?
Are you wanting a guarantee that things
will work out with your young lover
and if you cannot get that,
then you will make a go of it with your husband?
I'm sorry-
I am just rather confused by that statement.

There is a chance that things might
not work out with yout Lover-
and as insecure and undecided as you
are you coming off here,
I'm sorry, things probably won't work out
with the YM because of where you are at right now.
(Of which, you seem to be in limbo)

If you don't want to be married,
it has to be for a lot more reason than
just wanting to be with your Lover.
You need to not want to be married
no matter if you have a lover, boyfriend or whatever.

Maybe I have gotten the wrong message
from your post-
but it just seems to me you might be
getting divorced for all the wrong reasons.
You really need to think that through more
if you have second thoughts about being with your ex.

When I divorced my ex-
I never had any second thoughts -
only concerns in regard to the children.
Once I had gotten to the point that divorce
proceedings were going into effect,
I had thought things through,
(as he did too), and I made sure I was
getting divorced for all the right reasons.
I did not get divorced on a whim!
Obviously they were the right reasons for me-
I have no regrets whatsoever.
BUT-
I didn't divorce my husband to be with a lover!!
I did it for me.

Good luck and I hope you figure it all out-
for the best of all involved.

Sage, Thank you so very much for your reply. It was actually my friends that made that quote. I myself do not think I would kick myself. I was married before and raised my son for 8 years alone.
I am a professional and could support my son and myself.
I guess my real question was, is it ok to want spontanaity
and love in ones life at my age, and not just financial stablity??
And NO I would never leave my marriage for another man. I did not date for 10 months after I initially left and actually started back to school for my MBA. I am truly sorry if I came off as insecure, no, just confused as I have never dated (fallen in desperately in love with) a man so much younger then me.

Thanks so much for you advice!

Joi

Southerngal,

We have actually been together 6 years and he thinks that I am the one with the problem. Tried suggesting counseling won't go!
Never even holds my hand. Maybe it is not a big deal to some, but I think affection is a big part of any relationship!

Hi Joi.

It seems that you are trying to choose one or the other. You don't have to go back to your husband if things do not work out between you and your boyfriend. It sounds to me as there is no hope for your marriage unless you really do love your husband. What were your reasons for marrying him in the first place? All that you have told us about him are negative qualities. Southerngal has some very good suggestions about exploring every option before finalizing your divorce, so you may want to try those if your feelings for your husband are still strong enough to make you insecure about cutting all ties with him.

Your friends and family seem to be very uncaring and materialistic since they want you to stay in a cold, loveless marriage for financial reasons. I would suggest staying away from them and making some new friends who are supportive and care about your emotional happiness. Most people who are in happy love relationships are not well-off, but their common struggle to make a good life together strengthens their union.

Whatever you do, don't think that you have to go back to your husband if your new relationship doesn't work out. There are many future possibilities for you which will surely be better than past failures.

I came from a similar marriage. My ym is 25 years younger. He doesnt work a conventional job because we get by just fine on my income. Instead he is writing a book and helping me heal from my chaotic past.

He gives me love and I am getting stable. I love the passion in my life and nobody could ever convince me to go back to the negativity.

While there is no guaretee that his writing will be profitable, I really don't care.

I work at home (I am an artist) and I love that fact that he does too. We are together 24/7.

To me, being happy is about what I have now, not money.

Good luck!

What can I say..you guys are the best! It is so nice to be able to
ask questions without people judging you. God Bless You!

Joi,
After you answered my questions about how long you were married and that you have suggested counseling I can say a little more. Isnt that always the way it is...WE'RE the ones with the problems lol, not them!!

Anyway, I dont think you need all of us to help you decide what to do. You've answered yourself already. It looks pretty plain to me...why would anyone give up feeling loved over NOT feeling loved? Which is precisely your choice. On one hand, you have a man who never tells you you're pretty, never holds your hand, hardly ever makes love to you and although not physically abusive, had a bad temper. And on the other hand, you have a wonderful young man who evidently DOES tell you you're pretty, DOES hold your hand and DOES make love to you more than once every 4 months. Not a hard decision;)

You said your friends are worried about your financial future and also that your young man probably wont ever make much money, but how do you know? He is still young and has a whole career/future ahead of him. The old guys with the money were once young and poor too. Besides, your friends arent the ones having to live in a loveless marriage, YOU are, and you sound miserable about it. Like I said before, you pretty much answered your own question. And you deserve to be loved and cherished whether it is by your current young man, or someone else. Life is TOO short to be unhappy.

Southerngal

knowing what i know now, i would love the man i love and choose him over anyone else...if he flipped burgers at mcdonald's for a living, i would choose him.and knowing what i know now, i will never settle for anything less in my life.
i surely would not consider finances or living with a man i can not love from my soul...i think it is easy for your friends to tell you what you need...but they are not you, and they do not have the job of keeping your soul alive...you do.nd if you even have to ask, then maybe you don't know enough yet about yourself to make a choice between men...and you might want to start looking to figure out who you are first before making any decisions about other people and superficial concerns.


BC

Hi Joi,

Tell you friend that any woman who chooses a cold marriage over a loving one has rocks in her head. Since money isn't an issue, don't even bring it into the equasion.

Dave, my husband of a year and a half, may never make as much as I do. Or he may someday make more. Right now we do just swell and are not worried about who makes more. He doesn't care and just congratulated me on my raise. I go to sleep to hugs and kisses and wake up to even more of them. He sets the alarm 15 minutes early so that we can get our morning cuddle in. We've been living together for 4 years and if anything he is even more demonstrative than he was in the beginning. :D

I'm not surprised that your husband wants to give it another go. If you don't fall for it, he will have to expend the energy and emotion to find another woman who will settle for a cold relationship. You are convenient and are already broken in, so to speak. Tell him that *he* is the one with the problem and that he's missing all the wonderful things in life by not realizing that he's closed himself off from them. Too bad for him, but you aren't closed and you aren't going to settle any longer.

Grab your Young Man and run, do not walk toward your future. It's out there waiting for you and is so bring you're gonna need shades.

Peace,
Jane (56) who adores Dave (30)

Joi - - -

I'm sorry to say this, but I think you need new friends. I can't imagine urging any friend of mine to go back to what you left with your husband. Just exactly what did you have with him except financial security?

And you made it pretty clear that you were miserable in the marriage. Listen, you only live once . . . there are no second chances . . . why would you even consider wasting one more day with that man?

Regardless of whether I had found someone else or not, I would not even consider returning to what you have described. I would rather live the rest of my life alone than to live it with someone like that.

As to the financial part . . . I can tell you right now that I would rather live in a cardboard box with someone who treats me like they love me than to live in the grandest mansion in a cold and dead relationship.

Just me I guess, but I consider the answer to this one a no brainer. :)

Joi, I agree with Patricia said (and the others, too), it's not as if you are choosing between two things, you may as well leave this unhappy marriage behind, even if it's comfortable for you, because anyway, you had already left when you met your boyfriend.

That decision you took one year ago was wise, a normal person wants more from a marriage than just stablity. Passion is not a bad thing neither is it condemned to die. It just changes temperature.

Now you are having a new, passionate relationship and wonders whether it's going to work. We can never know that. We may hope, we may work hard so that it works, but if things were so certain in life, it might be boring.

I don't know if I missed the info, but is yours an age gap relationship? How old are the two of you?

What can I say. What an incredible group of beautiful, intelligent women. I am so BLESSED to have found this board. I feel as though I have found a whole new wonderful circle of friends!!
Thanks for all of the wonderful advice!!

Joi

i left a marriage similar to yours, joi. and i would never, EVER go back to a relationship like that. the money means nothing compared to love and affection. i would rather live in a dirt hut with someone who tenderly loves me, than in a mansion with a cold, unaffectionate jerk.

and you can make it on your own, find a way to take care of your own self. we don't need a guy for that! boooyah!!! then we are free to choose a partner for the right reasons. :)

BIG HUGS
and best wishes

kye