So afraid of losing him

Hello all and I am so happy to have found this site. I have been looking for something like this for a long time and maybe you all can send suggestions on other links on similiar subjects. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful 21 year old man for 11 months. I am 44. I have never been happier in my life and he has made my life richer and more satisfying then ever before. I am madly in love with him and he is in love with me...so you say...what is the problem? Well, as I do not feel or see the age difference...he definately does. He has spoken openly and honestly with me about our "future" or lack of a future is how I see it. He tells me how he is afraid of hurting me because he knows that one day he will meet and marry someone his own age. His favorite line is "why can't you lose 20 years"? Does anyone know how I can do this? The thing is...I want to be with this man forever...till death do us part thingy...He's afraid of loving me and me going on and dying on him. He says he couldn't handle it. I say lets live for today and as long as this beautiful relationship lasts...it lasts. All feedback on this would be appreciated as I feel so insecure and I don't want to lose him.

Welcome to Ageless Peaches~

Your situation is kind of hard to comment
on for me...
(I don't want to come off negative, but...)
If your YM feels the way he does-
well then, that is how he feels and it seems
to go rather deep with him.
I don't think the problem is one that can be
remedied with changing his thinking,
but more of a problem where you need to
accept the reality of how he feels
and then decide what is best for you in the long run.

He is loving you for the now-
but see's himself loving another in the future.
He has some valid concerns and reasons
and I feel he is to be commended in being so honest
in expressing those feelings to you,
(even though I know what he tells you, hurts).

He is trying his best to forewarn you
and you need to think very seriously about
all he is telling you.

You will never be able to change your age-
never, and you need to accept the fact
that he sees himself with a woman his own age
in his future years.

If I were in your situation,
I would consider breaking off the relationship.
But that is me.
If you want to take the time you have
with this YM and just enjoy it for what it is-
then do that!
Dreaming of a blissful "Happily Ever After"
future together is only going
to bring you a ton of sorrow in the long run.

Of course,
he might change his mind down the road,
and I think you are being hopeful for that to be the case.
Nothing wrong in being hopeful-
but you also need to be realistic too.
(You owe that to yourself!)

You are not being fair to yourself if you
are discarding all he is trying to tell you
and deluding yourself with thoughts of him changing
his mind somewhere down the road
or thinking that if you change,
that this will alter how he feels.
This is not an issue about losing weight or
giving up drinking or smoking-
his issues are about your age.
You cannot change or alter the gap of years
between the two of you.

I wish I could offer you more
supportive words-
but I am a realist and I feel that being
honest is the best way.

You have a lot to think about
and I know whatever you decide
or whatever falls into place in the future
for you and this YM-
it will not be easy for you.
You either break with him now
or wait until he leaves you to journey another
path in his life,
(which most likely will include a younger woman
than yourself).

Be honest with yourself!
Look and listen to all he is trying to tell you.
He is being honest and he means what
he is telling you.

Take care and I hope you find the
answers you are looking for.

Your situation sounds very trying. I don't know how long I could handle it.

My boyfriend did say some of those very things to me in the first couple of months we met. He said them not so much as statements but as questions. I remember the pain and fear those words caused me. But I pretended it didn't bother me and kept being who I am - he did fall in love with me.

He was 31 when we met and I was 46 or 47. I don't even remember anymore. We have now been together just beyond 3 years.

But Peaches, my boyfriend said those things at 1-2-3 months into the relationship - not at 11 months. That is worrisome to me. That still, at 11 months, your boyfriend is grappling with the age. However he is 10 years younger than Greg was and perhaps time and feelings move a bit differently in the early 20's.

My gut feeling tells me that you probably need to let him go. You need to gently walk away from this young man.

Take all your strength and go. There is a chance though that once he no longer feels your love, that he will recognize that he truly wants you no matter the age. I hope that it happens for you that way but you cannot put too much hope into it.

If you do walk you need to do so with the conviction that it is the best thing for your emotional wellbeing and be completely prepared for your relationship to be over.

I did this with Greg - he was very ambivalent at about 5 months into the relationship and while he no longer talked significantly about the age gap, he still was not committing to a relationship. I walked away in my heart and told myself enough was enough - that I didnt' have the strength to continue and that I had to take care of myself.

It was extremely difficult - heartwrenching to say the least. I didn't make a huge issue to him about it - I just pulled way back, quit answering the phone, started to spend more time away from my home. I was fully prepared to leave to save myself. Finally Greg began to realize that he was losing me. And we then decided to have a full relationship with an eye toward a future together.

Good luck in whatever you do.
Cindy

Great advice Cindy-
I hope Peaches reads your post
carefully and thoroughly....

i am sorry for your pain, there is a saying i have learned from my divorce that although painful it is the truth.

it takes two people to have a relationship and only one person to break it.

when we dont listen to what our partners are telling us we are not hapless victims, we willingly enter into these relationships. there are no definites, he may change his mind or you may change yours but if what you are looking for is a forever relationship and that is not what he is offering.

you have choices, live in the moment and enjoy every last drop of your relationship or realize that the uncertainty is something you cant live with, either way you are in control of the outcome of how YOU react.

i am in a relationship with a man 23 and i am 44, but it is he who wanted me and persued me like no tomorrow , and it was because of his love for me, i changed my mind, i felt i was being selfish by taking him away from possiblities of children and a same age spouse, but as he said, he would regret this for the rest of his life if he didnt try to make me realize that he is 100% content. and now, the age is a non-issue with us, and i use this site as a safe haven for acceptance for my relationship.

Be practical: enjoy what you have now and live for
the moment. I'm sure the sex is great, and there's
nothing wrong with enjoying that as long as you
can.

When he's ready to go, be ready to move on.

This is a sure-fire case where you definitely could
be cultivating other male friends to maintain some
equilibrium in you life.

To invest all your passion, hopes and dreams in
someone who'll leave you is pretty darn stupid in
my opinion.

Protect yourself!!

Originally posted by peaches24
His favorite line is "why can't you lose 20 years"? Does anyone know how I can do this?


Sure. Next time he gives you that stupid remark, tell him, "Why can't you GAIN 20 years!"

for a second i thought this was joe's "peachy"

most LEAVEEEEEE...the closer you get to 50, that is the reality...my livein ym left me 2 mos. before I turned the BIG 50...he was 33 and couldn't handle the fact that I was 50...even tho I looked and acted younger than he did with NOOOOOOOOO beer pot belly like his...and no bald spots...and all my teeth <g>...he booked, you know the story, hit the trail and went for another yw...then wanted back in 3 mos...and by then the damage was done, u can never undo the past...I moved on...James my most recent break up back on Jan. 15th once back from tour, said he was going to move in with his NEW YW he moved in from Cali, did he...? No, I get this email on Feb. 14th...that he had changed his mind on her...then he did the back and forth thing with her and with me...he ruined the relationship with me and with her...no more James...once they leave they leave...it is very, very hard to regain the passion you once had...
I say, cut your losses and end it now...while you are still in charge...I always try and end it before there are a ton of tears...tell him to start looking now for his future wife and mother of his children not later...
Hadley

That is what you have to ask yourself..... I am sorry for what you are going through, esp. now since you feel SOO alive! But more than likely because of what he has told you, you will be dead on the inside instead of numb when the big break occurs. I went through the same thing last summer. A man of 28 came into my life in the spring and we really hit it off. He told me up front that he wanted children some day, so I tried not to fall "too hard". When he came to visit me, he treated me like a queen for the week he was here. When he then decided he wanted to move here, I thought maybe he had changed his mind about "us" but he had not; he just wanted me to be a "good friend" for he would know no one here and he wanted me to be that friend until he met "the one". WELL, that hurt, esp. since after our fabulous week together, and I mulled over in my mind... hmmmm if he did move here, could he not change his mind, for we would be together more than a week and he just might see how nice it was. But then I thought some more and decided, I did not want to take the chance of really falling for him and then getting so very hurt in the end. so I told him "bye". ANd by me ending it and not him, I felt empowered and not at the mercy of his decision. It was on MY terms, and even though I cried and was hurt, I knew I had done the right thing for two reasons. First, I knew I could never handle the thought of him subconscioulsy looking at every women thining "this may be the one"...his future "mate". Second, if I were with him, how was I going to find my "mate"?? I wanted love and a relationship and being with him would have kept me from it. So..... I wish I could wave a magic wand and say 'You will get your wish", but I can't, as I agree with the other ladies here.... However, this does not mean that your wish may never some true, for it will, but just not with him....as I have learned .;)

Well ... he is hurting you. Right now and every time he launches into his little soliliquoy.

Isn't he?

I'd just tell him that you have a limited amount of time to find the person that YOU are going to be with forever and you need to get cracking.

And then I'd get out because the truth is that you've already lost him and it's time to get on with the rest of your life.

He has spoken openly and honestly with me about our "future" or lack of a future is how I see it. He tells me how he is afraid of hurting me because he knows that one day he will meet and marry someone his own age. His favorite line is "why can't you lose 20 years"? -peaches24

In the heart and mind of this YM the decision has been made that this relationship will fail at some point. He is not fully committed to the relationship for the long haul. You need to really have a honest discussion with him about why he feels this way. If he can't change his heart, then he will move on at some point and leave you devastated. Peaches24 can deal with it when it happens?

Peaches - - -

Time to move on!! If any man I was seeing said this to me, regardless of his age, I would tell him to hit the road.

Why would you stay with anyone who would say such rude and hurtful things to you? Believe me, there are plenty of decent and respectful men out there, you should not have to put up with that.

And if he feels this way, why is he with an older woman? He just really sounds like a prick to me. Sorry :(

To Mano:

No this thread was not started by me . . . Joe would not say those types of things to me and I certainly wouldn't stand for it if he did!! :D

Dear Peaches,

I am really, really sorry to hear about what you're going through. I can relate, too. I am a 33 year old going through sort of the same thing with a 49 year old who I am absoultely crazy about. We are the best of friends, but she's leery of getting involved because of the age thing.

Originally posted by peaches24

He tells me how he is afraid of hurting me because he knows that one day he will meet and marry someone his own age. His favorite line is "why can't you lose 20 years"?


This is such a cruel thing to say. It's almost as considering aging as a handicap and telling you, if one day you stop walking I leave you and will find someone who can walk! It's even worse because you can never be sure of how long yet you'll walk, but you can be sure you'll get older. So it's like your life together is condemned. This man likes you now, but you better not change a bit if you want him to stay. And we know it's impossible. He'll also change and maybe get uglier with age...


The thing is...I want to be with this man forever...till death do us part thingy...He's afraid of loving me and me going on and dying on him. He says he couldn't handle it. I say lets live for today and as long as this beautiful relationship lasts...it lasts.

It seems hard to believe what he says about being afraid that you die first, after saying "he will meet someone his age one day". It sounds to me as just an excuse to make it look as a valid fear. Anyone knows that these days being younger than your partner does not guarantee a longer life, there are enough diseases and accidents out there to make sure we can die very young, too.

My ex boyfriend used to say things like this (the age gap would be a problem in future) in the beginning, then he stopped saying them, but once his mother or one of his friends used the same argument to prove this couldn't work, he would agree (he wouldn't say that to me, but he wouldn't argue with them and would let them say it freely as if it were absolutely true). He mentioned many times he wanted to have children, too, knowing I can't have them. I told him that if this was the case, to go away, it was no use hurting me with those things. He stayed but later on, when his mother started opposing the relationship, those same things kept coming back to discussion, to justify his doubts about a successful relationship with me and to validate his mother's worries.

What I mean by all that is, some of these comments reflect his real ideas, things that will stick to him forever, and in his mind you'll never be the ideal mate. And we all deserve to be seen as the ideal mate. Or at least we deserve to become it at some point. I wouldn't risk my happiness by staying with him.

Suicideblonde said it perfectly....hurt some now, or hurt a WHOLE LOT later when he walks out after you've invested your heart and life and love. I vote that you tell him you've realized that what's best for you is to let him go, knowing his feelings of indecision and wanting to be with a yw some day. Say, kindly,"The someday is now for me."
I'm sorry...I know how the love of a man in his early 20's makes life a rainbow when it's good....but when he leaves of his own accord, it is crushing. Take the reins and say goodbye for now. Maybe in a couple of years, when he's "tried out" those other illusive younger women, he'll miss what he had with you and come back....much more mature and ready to commit? And in the meantime, don't wait around for that..just nurture yourself and grow as the new woman he's awakened in you.
Best to you!
Karen

Be glad that your ym is capable of being both honest and self observant. Mine wasn't, and he gradually opted out of the relationship. I had a ym for about 8 months who was 21, and I'm 45. The age difference broke us up! He became increasingly uncomfortable with it. I'll tell you what: if the age thing bothers your ym, you can't change that. My ym was the type who was uncomfortable doing things that others did not. I don't know why exactly, but the ym/ow coupling still seems to set people off in a bad way sometimes. You can change one thing though: you. If and when you break up you can move on with your life. I am dating again and having fun. The first two weeks were AWFUL! But I've got a life again. And it feels good because I knew nothing was going to change the way he felt about the age thing. So now I've gotten past the really bad parts and I'm doing other things for me.

Just my .02 cents.
Witchy

If I've said it once, and I have, I've said it at least a thousand times.
It's not for everyone.
If you can take it for the short term, and just not expect much, then enjoy.
If you can't, and he's made his feelings perfectly clear, then I agree, better to cut your losses now, rather than sit and hope he doesn't really mean it.
He does.
It has been my observation, and experience, that if the young man wants a commitment, he'll make that very clear from the start, if not, you better not pin your hopes and dreams on it.
Sounds like he's being very self aware and honest, for that, kudos to him.
At least he's not playing games.
However, the why can't you lose 20 years thing, deserves a sock in the nose, that's punishing you for something you have absolutely no control over, and hitting below the belt.
Its no different than saying why aren't you 8" instead of 6.
Or whatever else his male mind would understand.

Hello peaches24,

Something I've noticed about guys in general, is that often when you call them on a particular statement which hurt you or had some sort of significant impact, they don't even remember those words.

I think the first thing you need to do is muster up the courage to confront him on this issue. Ask him point blank if he really thinks the two of you have no future, and make it clear that you want to move on if he really feels that way.

Frankly, he may have been expressing fears rather than strongly held opinions. You need to work out what he meant exactly.

I wonder, too, if hes genuinely afraid of you dying before him? Firstly, it sounds like he takes his attachment to you very seriously, and secondly, he may have massive abandonment issues. If either is true, then his chances of actually leaving you are slim.

My final thought is that many decent guys I know who have been in committed relationships for years threw in various disclaimers which gave them some sort of permission to keep exploring their sexual options.

This is NOT an age thing, but rather a `horny young guy used to being single' thing. Don't take this sort of disclaimer seriously, and don't let him get away with exploring his sexual options either. Mostly guys will respect the feelings of their partners even if they have temporary fantasies about finding a supermodel goddess to settle down with. These fantasies seem to subside with time and appreciation for the REAL woman they love. Some of the longest term couples know went through this sort of issue in the beginning. Their partners didn't lose their nerve, an kept strong boundaries. So don;t go overboard worrying about your partner's fantasies. If hes a good person, he'll become morr realistic.

I wish the best for you! I really hope for your bf's sake that he wisens up, or he'll be repalced by someone wiser.

hi...i'm brand new to this board...and am in a very similar scenario with my 7-month relationship. i'm 50, he's 35. we love each other, are completely comfortable and safe with each other, love and enjoy everything about each other...the conversation, the sex...virtually everything we all look for in a loving relationship has manifested. but i have FALLEN in love, and he hasn't. or won't. and doesn't think he will. and doesn't want to hurt me, or waste my time. part of it is about the on-again/off-again 15-year relationship he left last june...he's not resolved about that. i'm the first woman he started seeing (two months after they split) and he thinks he should date other women (he's probably not wrong -- i left a 15-year marriage and needed to get my relationship bearings before i met him). and part of it is that he doesn't see us having a future, just in case he wants to get married and have a family in 5 years. as with every individual, there are other unique personality factors (he's a brilliant commercial and music video director with ADD and some odd little social phobias -- i'm an outgoing writer/producer)...and i know he harbors fears that show up as self-esteem and abandonment issues (problems i've also had, and have conquered). he says he doesn't know exactly what he wants, doesn't have a picture of "the one"...but i'm not it, and he doesn't want me to hold out any hope that i could be. i know i should just hear him and let go...but i love our friendship so much, as does he...we don't want to abandon or lose each other.

so...as of now, we've decided we'll continue to talk openly and honestly about our feelings (especially since i have a project on deadline and can't go through the emotional upheaval of foreboding right now!). with that, i'm thinking we could stay together as is, but with no strings, until 1) we each meet others or 2) choose each other. maybe my optimism is insanely unfounded, but -- especially after what i've been through in the past 5 years -- i believe anything's possible.

but think about how young he is and his life experiences.

These younger guys are entering a world of emotions that many of them know nothing about.... yet. Also, the taboo placed on this type of relationship, although we choose to say its alright, still does exist and it puts huge external and internal pressures on these young men. Let's face it, if a younger guy came off as totally bold and totally head strong.... we women would wonder if all they wanted was a sexual relationship.

It takes guts for these guys to admit their feelings and although I dont agree with a statement like take 20 years off... I dont think one woman here would be honest if they didnt think at least at one point, oh God I wish he was exactly the way he is only a few years older and visa versa! If number doesnt make a difference really... would it be so exciting, so entising, so stimulating????
Well, yes it would, if in fact you really love the guy and that is the frustrating part of caring about a 21 year old. If you really love him, in your heart you want whats best, we question ourselves and our own motivations at times too. Let's face it we know how old we are... and how young they are... and what we did when we were their age and what we wanted for our future.
They are going through the same things that society has told them is the norm... and yet... they have "SEEN and FELT" the qualities and emotions that have taken us years to develop
and when they feel those from us, what is very hard for them to resist!!!!
They want to feel asured, comfortable, secure and we women
know we have the power to make that happen and they usually do end up feeling that way, but then their friends, their families, society, tells them.....
IT'S NOT NORMAL!
In their hearts, we are exactly everything they want... but they are confused about how they feel... you get mixed emotions from them and it makes you feel insecure at times. If you aren't willing to ride the storm...and be patient to give a 21 year old time to figure out his emotions... without questioning yourself and becoming insecure.... then I would say, as hard as it is, as strong as you feel.... move on. It hurts, because all we want is to be love and accepted by them too, as we feel we have accepted them for who they are... a guy 21 or 22 (not all!!) doesn't really know exactly who he is yet or what he wants, and if you cant be paitent and willing to take it if he decides that isnt what he really wants... then you might as well forget it for now!
I wish I could live by my own advice, but I am patient... it has paid off so far and the torture of waiting has been romantic and sweet, but also very frustrating and at times, I admit has made me insecure, but I feel, even though at times I have questioned my sanity (lol lol), he has been worth waiting for :)

to zephirine...yes, i'm (mostly) a positive, optimistic person, with a healthy dose of reality thrown in so i don't drive off a cliff when things don't go the way i'd hoped! i was married for 15 years to a man i truly loved for a long time...thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives, but we grew apart in a number of ways, and there was no growing back together. dovetailed out of that into a relationship with a man i'd known 4 years, who was 16 years younger. we considered wach other the loves of each others' lives...and, as i was leaving my marriage, he decided to leave his (a marriage he regretted the day after he said, "i do"). two weeks after we decided we wanted to be together, his wife of one year called to say she was pregnant. he stayed, we still loved each other for two more years, it was all quite shakespearean. we're no longer in touch...it took two years to recover from that loss. i'm leaving out thousands of details, of course, but suffice to say, i never would have thought my life could take the turns it's taken, personally and professionally, over the past 5 years. so...my experience has been such that i believe anything can happen; you just never know. i'm not saying i can change the 35-year-old man's mind. but i want to leave room for the (albeit slight) possibility his perspective will shift as he recovers from his own lost 15-year relationship...knowing that someone else could show up in his life and be the one. i am also including the possibility that someone else will show up for me. in the meantime, i'm looking at this as a learning experience for us both...letting go doesn't mean pushing away.
and, yes, "why me", i agree...the taboos run deep and are powerful. i know the 35-year-old trusts me and feels safe with me; he's said as much. and i told him that the qualities he appreciates in me have been acquired and carefully cultivated over the years...the very 15 years for which i'm being penalized! so, it's ironic that he loves me for the same reasons that make him unwilling to see a future with me. my strength in this remains to be seen. but my sanity and my happiness are first and foremost. i almost lost them last time. not willing to go there again.

I always told myself... I was taking a chance... and that I could be hurt... but....
Life is full of chances as we know... but

If nothing at all comes out of this for my future or his, I have to remind myself that the motivation and inspiration WE have
given each other just through the experience of it all ...

Him by allowing me to really "Feel" again!
Me for allowing him to "feel" for the first time!
(FEEL= awakening emotions!!!!)

IS TOTALLY PRICELESS!!!!!!!
and honestly.... I believe that this is the "magic" that occurs that
makes this type of relationship... UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!

Let's face it, a woman with a new found "awakening of emotions" ....lol lol.... can be a scarey thing even to an older man, let a lone a young man, who has never experienced
"THE FORCE" LOL LOL!!

I am sure, those of you women, that have taken this chance and suceeded and even those of you that have not know exactly
what I am talking about here, eh?