Gone AWOL

I am 37 and my husband is 21. We were married in June 2003 and were together for a while before that. We have always had a very good relationship until about a month ago. He stopped working on the house we are remodeling, and currently living in, and he stopped doing the little things husbands do, i.e. taking out the trash, feeding his dogs, checking the gas tank (we have gas heat in our house.) Well, then 1-2 weeks ago he starting hanging out with his friends every night and not coming home until 10-11 p.m. during the week and hanging out with them until 3-4 a.m. on the weekends. This then escalated to him leaving Thursday afternoon to work on his 4-wheeler at a friend's house and I have not heard from him since. It is Sunday morning and I have not seen or talked to him since Thursday afternoon.

I don't know what is going on or what to do. Please help.

I would pack up all his stuff and drop it at the friend's house and then change the locks on the door.

However, that is me... I have zero tolerance for this kind of thing. I need to be Numero Uno in my romantic relationships or I can't stay in them.

Do you have the phone number of this "friend"? Do you know where he is? Have you spoken to him?

Also.. How long were you together before you got married?

Hm, it might be just me - but it sounds like there is more to the story ... arguments? health problems? depression?

You're sure that your husband hasn't had an accident etc?

In any case, once you hear from him again, I would suggest a talk - maybe on neutral ground, trying to find out what's going on. A relationship works only if both people involved want to make it work, so you got to get his decision on this, as you seem to be interested to make it work.

The only one who can tell you what's going on seems to be your husband, if he won't, then imho you should decide what YOU want - and act accordingly....

Sorry I cannot add anything more constructively for the situation :(

Just drive over to the friend's house right now and ask to speak outside. Ask him point blank what is going on; what is happening; why is he acting this way.

Just go now.

As Carazy noted it's either some sort of severe depression - or another woman.

I hope I am completely wrong. I'm so sorry.

Cindy

It seems that he is checking out on your relationship. First thing that came to my mind is that he's involved with someone else. But, you never know. It may be that he has decided that he has changed his mind about wanting to be married.

First thing I would do is attempt to reach him at the friend's house.. either by phone or in person. If that doesn't work, I'd definitely inform the police that he is missing.

Next thing to do, is to reach out to all your friends, including us, and talk about how you feel. Let out the anger, frustration and grief you must be feeling. :(

I'm so sorry and I wish you all the best.

I agree that you should not stay home wondering what happened (what did you tell him all those days when he was coming back home so late? what did he say?) and find out what is going on.

Ask yourself what could be so serious to make YOU do what he's doing? Either he gave up on this marriage and wants his single life back, either he's going through some very strange mental status. It doesn't sound like depression to me (just an intuition), it sounds more like some internal revolution he's going through. And he's left you out.

I am sorry you have to go through this and I wish this situation will be solved soon, for your own good.:(

There is no way you should sit there one more minute worrying and wondering. I agree with Cindy. Get over there now and talk to him. I would need some answers and fast. Then you two need to get an appointment with a counselor asap. He might just be in a momentary freak out mode considering his age. My ex went through one at that same age and he just couldn't handle the pressure...we had gotten married at 18 and had a baby at 20. He just started not showing up after work and not calling. I would sit and hunt him down on the phone as I had no idea where he was. I would never repeat my mistake of waiting months to file for divorce and leave his sorry self. It woke him up when I did and he joined the military and begged my forgiveness. He never really changed though and this kind of behavior happened off and on the rest of our marriage. I now say it means a true lack of emotional commitment to the marriage. Go find him and at least put a temporary end to any worrying you might be having (we always have that "That jerk better call soon" vs "Wait! What if he is hurt?" debate in our mind when they do this) and then get that counseling appointment made.

Best Wishes,

Tru

Have you two had good communication in the past? When the behavior started to change a month ago, did you talk to him then and inquire as to what was going on?

When he started going out with his friends and staying until all hours of the morning, did you talk to him then to see what was going on?

Have you had any communication with him at all regarding the changes in his normal routine?

If so, what has he said for himself about these matters?

If not, WHY HAVEN'T YOU?

Joe and I aren't married, but we are living together, and I can tell you that if he left here and I didn't hear from him for the rest of that evening, I certainly would be on the phone trying to reach him. But he is so good about calling, I would know there was something going on if I didn't hear from him.

I have to agree with the other posters in that something is definitely going on . . . but I'm not sure we have the whole story here.

I am so sorry, i have been abandoned before by an ex.

truthfully, i couldnt have told you why he left when he did, i could not see the forest from the trees then, all i saw was pain. but i can tell you looking back that he emotionally left before he took his body out of the house.

many years later, i look back and i see my part in it, mine was not looking at the truth, but also i got envolved with someone who was not ready to really be honest with himself and even know what he wanted out of life, and it caused major conflict, we wanted two different things and eventually broke up.

i am not saying this is the case with you, but take it easy, be kind to yourself and when you are ready take a good look at things and i hope and pray you get the answers you are looking for. first and formost take care of your heart, and try to accept that maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but in the end things always work out for the best.

Do you think that he is using some drug? He could be intoxicated by alcohol or some other drug in a coma somewhere. Call everyone you can think of and if you can't get any info that way, then call the police and ask them to stop by the house where he is supposed to be. Tell them how long he has been missing, that he has been behaving oddly and that you are afraid to go there yourself since you don't know what the situation is. Forget all the analysis and act to find him. I wouldn't wait any longer if I were you.

Everyone has given you great advice, i hope you act upon it.

Don't panic though until you hear what he's got to say, or you know for sure if he's ok, then let him have it. There is no excuse for this, at any age. Good luck.

Paris

This is so awful to go through, I'm so sorry.

Track him down, go talk to him, and get something resolved ASAP, like tonight. Whether it be a break-up or not, you can't be left hanging like this. This must feel like emotional torture.

What he is doing is horrible, and believe me, it is NOT age-related. Some people are capable of this at any age, and others are NEVER capable of that type of cruelty.

I'm sorry to say this, but you probably already know it anyway... it sounds like your marriage is over.

:(

Please post again, as several people here are probably now very concerned about you, myself included.

The last time I heard of someone behaving with so little consideration, and then disappearing without a word to anyone, cocaine was at the bottom of it.

I hate to say it, but is drug abuse a possibility?

I have had this happen before...unfortunately. (not with my current b/f, by the way).

We were living together, but not married. After work on pay day, he called and said he was having a few beers with a friend. That was Friday. He came home on Sunday.

I did what I should not have done, which was give him another chance. When he showed up on Sunday, I said "This is the only time this will happen, it won't happen again, at least not to me."

About a month later, same thing again. He came home this time...I said "Where have you been?" He said "Oh, out and about"

Haha...good answer, dummy! NOT! I showed him the door that instant (by the way, his smart-mouthed answer had made me furious, which helped).

In my current relationship, if J left on Friday and went to have a drink with a friend, and I had not heard from him by Sunday, I would seriously think he had been in an accident or worse. That is how sure I am he would not do something like that to me. And, this is just me thinking, since you don't seem very worried about something like that happening, it does say a bit about where your relationship sits.

I would get in the car right away, and go to the friends house if possible. Find out exactly what is going on. You sound upset, as I would be also, and the best way to put your mind at ease and find out exactly what you are dealing with is just to get in the car, go over there, and face the situation.

Im sending you my best wishes....please keep us updated.

djcclark-
I am very sorry that you
are going through this-
there is no excuse for this
type of behavior,
such as the previous posts
pointed out to you.

I could never have waited this
long to get to the bottom of what's happening.
I'd have had his butt in a sling
by the next morning.

It's hard to go by what you stated
as to what all is happening with
your husband-
but it seems as though he has grown tired
of being a responsible adult
and wants to play 24/7.
In other words:
Has your little boy ran away from home?

I know that comes off veryy flip-
and I am sorry,
but you need to get cracking on
getting this situation resolved ASAP!!
For one-
do you know that he is safe and
not hurt or something worse?
(I take it you do-
as your post was rather calm).

There was a man that I loved deeply
that did the same to me.
He would go out for a pack of cigarettes
and would not arrive home 4 or 5 days later.
He was a chronic alcoholic and he would
never even remember where he had been
the days he was missing.
He would be filthy and reeking of booze.
It did not tolerate that for long.
Does alcohol or drugs play a part
in his lifestyle?

Whatever the problem is,
and yes, there is a huge problem,
you need to get to the bottom of it.
Right away!

Good luck to you-
we are here if you need to vent
or want further advice.

Originally posted by djcclark
I am 37 and my husband is 21. We were married in June 2003 and were together for a while before that. We have always had a very good relationship until about a month ago. He stopped working on the house we are remodeling, and currently living in, and he stopped doing the little things husbands do, i.e. taking out the trash, feeding his dogs, checking the gas tank (we have gas heat in our house.) Well, then 1-2 weeks ago he starting hanging out with his friends every night and not coming home until 10-11 p.m. during the week and hanging out with them until 3-4 a.m. on the weekends. This then escalated to him leaving Thursday afternoon to work on his 4-wheeler at a friend's house and I have not heard from him since. It is Sunday morning and I have not seen or talked to him since Thursday afternoon.

I don't know what is going on or what to do. Please help.

Are you able to locate and/or notify his friend? Despite his neglect, it's still possible that he could have gotten into an accident or something happened at the friend's house.

Call the police, if need be, and report him missing.

I pray they're both ok.

Paris

Wow..same here...I hope it was a happy ending. djcclark...let us know ...

Wow. THis is an awful situation. Is anyone comfortable sending her a private email to see if everything turned out okay? Well, obviously things are far from okay but just to make sure he had turned up at least.

Yes, djcclark, if you read this, please let us know what happened. We are worried about you.