Roberto
03-08-2004, 01:30 AM
“Found myself just the other day
In the backyard of a friend’s place,
Thinking about you.
Thinking of the crowd you’re in,
What you’re up to,
Where you’ve been.
Just thinking.”
Pete Murray.
I’ve been reflecting recently on my ex and the relationship we shared. She lived nearby and we developed a pretty tight bond as a result. As well as being a couple we were basically best friends, as we did everything together. But soon her family had to move to Sydney, leaving us both a little confused. We decided we would continue the relationship despite the distance. We talked on the phone most nights and chatted on the net quite often too. I traveled down to see her numerous times and she visited me aswell. But the relationship finally crumbled under the weight of our heavy suitcases and our own expectations. It was a very amicable split, it was just obvious that it could never realistically work.
Which brings me back to the present...
You see, I’ve been thinking about my experience with long distance and internet relationships and I’ve begun to compare time separated from the partner to the time with the partner. Even during the period of this long distance relationship I could notice some startling occurrences in my behaviour, though I overlooked them at the time. I found that we both seemed to be investing more and more into the relationship, yet, in the end, we were getting less out of it. I’m sure I’m not alone with this feeling, though you’re circumstances will obviously be different. So here’s my theory on why we look beyond our realistic means in order to find long distance happiness:
I think there are magic moments in any relationship, or friendship, where the souls of the people involved are swept into the same current of existence. They become intertwined to the extent that they can only rise higher and higher, trying to discover a still greater connection. When these partners or friends are together it can be a warm embrace, a simple meeting of eyes, or an affirming conversation which will leave the souls sated. But when the souls lack this intimate contact they seem to grasp onto concepts and hyperbole. Leaving the people confused, and investing more than they know is reasonable.
Case in point; Both myself and my ex said “I love you” far more times over the phone and on the internet than we ever did in person. Yet, since she moved, we both knew our relationship was on a slow decline. We would talk for hours about all the things we might do together, what it might be like to be together in 5 years etc. We spoke of all the happiness imaginable, but somewhere in our hearts and minds we knew the words were empty.
Why would 2 reasonable people so clearly defy what their souls knew to be true? I think it is because when we hit these periods of elevation and there is no visible kindred soul with which to arise or share the moment with, we allow the visions created by our minds to rise with us and become our companion. So when we re-open our eyes we find that the other person is no longer by our side. They have drifted onto their own tangent, with their own mind. Therefore, we try to bridge this gap by offering more and more of ourselves. We promise them the world in order to regain the connection that we know exists somewhere. What we end up doing, however, is generating attachment rather than love. It is this attachment which can be attributed to the false sense of intimacy we gain by offering things that we neither have or believe.
So I guess my point is that when we are with our partner we can seem to have no trouble in showing our affection in subtle, delicate ways, but when there is distance involved there is a tendency to grasp and overstate things in these special moments. In my humble opinion, the best way to overcome this urge is to simply keep in mind the other persons humanity and constantly learn about the other person. I think when we do this we can regain the tenderness that the relationship deserves and this serves to fill the gap that is causing us grief. This approach gives us back these moments of spiritual joy as we recapture the radiant connection with our loved one/ friend. “Love is as perennial as the grass”, as they say, and needs to be treated as such. I have found that the more I try to just get to know my ex now, the more we get along, and we are once again good friends. This seemed crazy to me to begin with; “Get to know her? I already know her”, I’d tell myself. But I find it’s very true. It’s so simple, yet so effective in making the most out of relationships, particularly long distance ones. I now know we would have broken up at some point, but I wish someone had told me all this before we promised each other the moon and stars. It would have been alot less painful.
This is my take on it anyway. I realise also that I have generalised here, but I’m sure you can all factor in such things as personality traits, loneliness, lifestyle etc. and gauge the extent that the attachment may occur.
When I think that people in completely different parts of the world can now communicate and find someone to be partners or great friends with it just makes my heart smile! I love the idea of people with totally different lives coming together and sharing their unique bonds. It’s a thing of true beauty, I just believe it’s how we go about it that can make all the difference in our happiness. So, the next time you are sitting around thinking of someone, or chatting to them on the net, think to yourself , “Is it love? Or attachment?" “Do I really believe everything I am saying to this person? Or is there another reason for it?” I sincerely hope I have given at least little help to you, wherever you are, and I wish you all the happiness that this compassionate attitude can bring.
In the backyard of a friend’s place,
Thinking about you.
Thinking of the crowd you’re in,
What you’re up to,
Where you’ve been.
Just thinking.”
Pete Murray.
I’ve been reflecting recently on my ex and the relationship we shared. She lived nearby and we developed a pretty tight bond as a result. As well as being a couple we were basically best friends, as we did everything together. But soon her family had to move to Sydney, leaving us both a little confused. We decided we would continue the relationship despite the distance. We talked on the phone most nights and chatted on the net quite often too. I traveled down to see her numerous times and she visited me aswell. But the relationship finally crumbled under the weight of our heavy suitcases and our own expectations. It was a very amicable split, it was just obvious that it could never realistically work.
Which brings me back to the present...
You see, I’ve been thinking about my experience with long distance and internet relationships and I’ve begun to compare time separated from the partner to the time with the partner. Even during the period of this long distance relationship I could notice some startling occurrences in my behaviour, though I overlooked them at the time. I found that we both seemed to be investing more and more into the relationship, yet, in the end, we were getting less out of it. I’m sure I’m not alone with this feeling, though you’re circumstances will obviously be different. So here’s my theory on why we look beyond our realistic means in order to find long distance happiness:
I think there are magic moments in any relationship, or friendship, where the souls of the people involved are swept into the same current of existence. They become intertwined to the extent that they can only rise higher and higher, trying to discover a still greater connection. When these partners or friends are together it can be a warm embrace, a simple meeting of eyes, or an affirming conversation which will leave the souls sated. But when the souls lack this intimate contact they seem to grasp onto concepts and hyperbole. Leaving the people confused, and investing more than they know is reasonable.
Case in point; Both myself and my ex said “I love you” far more times over the phone and on the internet than we ever did in person. Yet, since she moved, we both knew our relationship was on a slow decline. We would talk for hours about all the things we might do together, what it might be like to be together in 5 years etc. We spoke of all the happiness imaginable, but somewhere in our hearts and minds we knew the words were empty.
Why would 2 reasonable people so clearly defy what their souls knew to be true? I think it is because when we hit these periods of elevation and there is no visible kindred soul with which to arise or share the moment with, we allow the visions created by our minds to rise with us and become our companion. So when we re-open our eyes we find that the other person is no longer by our side. They have drifted onto their own tangent, with their own mind. Therefore, we try to bridge this gap by offering more and more of ourselves. We promise them the world in order to regain the connection that we know exists somewhere. What we end up doing, however, is generating attachment rather than love. It is this attachment which can be attributed to the false sense of intimacy we gain by offering things that we neither have or believe.
So I guess my point is that when we are with our partner we can seem to have no trouble in showing our affection in subtle, delicate ways, but when there is distance involved there is a tendency to grasp and overstate things in these special moments. In my humble opinion, the best way to overcome this urge is to simply keep in mind the other persons humanity and constantly learn about the other person. I think when we do this we can regain the tenderness that the relationship deserves and this serves to fill the gap that is causing us grief. This approach gives us back these moments of spiritual joy as we recapture the radiant connection with our loved one/ friend. “Love is as perennial as the grass”, as they say, and needs to be treated as such. I have found that the more I try to just get to know my ex now, the more we get along, and we are once again good friends. This seemed crazy to me to begin with; “Get to know her? I already know her”, I’d tell myself. But I find it’s very true. It’s so simple, yet so effective in making the most out of relationships, particularly long distance ones. I now know we would have broken up at some point, but I wish someone had told me all this before we promised each other the moon and stars. It would have been alot less painful.
This is my take on it anyway. I realise also that I have generalised here, but I’m sure you can all factor in such things as personality traits, loneliness, lifestyle etc. and gauge the extent that the attachment may occur.
When I think that people in completely different parts of the world can now communicate and find someone to be partners or great friends with it just makes my heart smile! I love the idea of people with totally different lives coming together and sharing their unique bonds. It’s a thing of true beauty, I just believe it’s how we go about it that can make all the difference in our happiness. So, the next time you are sitting around thinking of someone, or chatting to them on the net, think to yourself , “Is it love? Or attachment?" “Do I really believe everything I am saying to this person? Or is there another reason for it?” I sincerely hope I have given at least little help to you, wherever you are, and I wish you all the happiness that this compassionate attitude can bring.