Boundaries..an Update

Hi everyone,

I've been focusing pretty intensely on reapplying for my job this week, so I've missed quite a lot. I submitted my (14 page!) job application on Monday, and still have to go through an interview process. Anway, I hope you are all doing well!

This past weekend was my bf's 24 th birthday party....the one I was feeling a bit `off ' about originally. Last week I wrote the `please respect my boundaries' letter to clubbing girl, and we hadn't heard from her. I half expected her to just show up at the b'day party without acknowledging my point of view at all. And my bf's two other `high maintenance' female friends were invited too.

Anyway, only one of the `terrible three' turned up. She gave me some lame but predictable spiel about how my bf had been much better off living with her, and that our place together was too small and cramped for him. Everyone else loves our cute place and the way we've done it up. I just smiled and told her how much my bf loved our home together and adored living with me. She started talking to someone else at that point.

Clubbing girl finally wrote a response to my letter the next day, which I'd sent through my bf's email address. After reading it, he encouraged me to read it too, but I asked him a few questions about the general content instead.

He said that the letter was very long, childish, and rude, and that the general point seemed to be that she has no intention of respecting any boundaries imposed on her by our relationship or by anyone else.

I asked him if he agreed with her opinion, and what he wanted me to do. He said he didn't agree with any of what she wrote and that she came across as very nasty, spoiled and selfish. He also said that he didn't expect her to behave this way, and didn't want to continue a friendship with her.

None of this surprised me; I'm just grateful that I was able to expose the level of this girl's disrespect for us and that the situation is resolved.

I've got to say that I feel safer now than I ever have in a relationship before. Theres so many ways my bf could have handled this situation, and so many times when his responses could have been defensive rather than supportive if he wasn't 100% committed to me. And best of all, I don't have this mendling selfish girl in our lives any more and it has been my bf's choice.

Thanks for being my source of support through this difficulty...I hope you're all doing well!

Bella I noticed in your post you mentioned that your ym had lived with one of the women who was at the party? Was this one of the terrible three who live upstairs? I don't recall you ever saying that in your prior posts about this ym.

Also, I'm so sorry that they are making you reapply for your job. Bad employer! Give them a kick in the butt from me!

Witchy

Hi Bella,

I read the developments of your situation and I am glad to see that it all turned out so well.

I wish you and your guy much more continued success in the future.

Thankyou both for your kind words,

Witchy, the `terrible three' refers to three of my bf's female friends, not the girls living upstairs (who are behaving very respecfully now, thankfully).

In the two years prior to our relationship, my bf was single and lived with two couples, in sucession (his two best male friends and their gf's)

The living situations were unique in that the male friends were kind of unavailable to their gf's in many ways, and my bf fullfilled a lot of `husband-like' roles...providing nightly companionship, doing housework and cooking, shopping for groceries with the gf, emotional support and nurturing. In one case this was because the male friend was working nights, and didn't see much of his gf. In teh second case, the male friend was obsessed with music and generally emotonally available to his gf anyway.

So in steps my bf, providing for these girls emotional and practical needs, way more competently than their own partners, but strictly respecting the sexual boundaries and never competing with his male friends. The situations seemed to work for all involved, or so it seemed.

As a measure of how attached these girls became to my bf, I find their behaviour towards me highly competetive and antagonistic..the kind of stuff you'd expect from someone's wife if you were having an affair with their husband. One of them even refers to my bf as her `second husband' right to my face! It really hurts, and its an isolating feeling because they completly turn on the charm for my bf.

I don't think this behaviour goes unnoticed by the bf's either, but its not something anyone consciously acknowledges except for me (but i am 5-10 years older than everyone in this social circle and more perceptive)

Then last year, we were visiting one of the couples and the gf was doing her usual stuff.....asserting dominance over my bf, flirting with him, putting me down in, trying to organise a regular activity with my bf where she could be alone with him....the usual stuff.

My bf and the guy became engaged in a conversation about computer games which became really heated. The other guy was yelling and degrading my bf's beliefs, and it seemed really macho and unecessary. Then suddenly he pulled a knife on my bf! We left pretty quickly after that.

My interpreatation of the whole thing is that the bf's in these two couples aren't stupid..they know tat their gf's are kind of in love with my bf, but noone wants to be open about this. It would rock too many boats, hurt too many male egos. But its the only way I can explain this outrageous behaviour and competition from girls who have partners of their own.

Clubbing girl is the third member of the `terrible three'. Shes out of the picture now. Yay!!!
We see the other two infrequently, thankfully.

We see the other two infrequently, thankfully.

Surely after her boyfriend pulled a knife on yours, you don't see them at all now? :eek:

I'd be setting me a boundary right there!

Hi Kerris,
Ah, if I could just have my every boundary need met instantly, I'd be a happy girl!

Knife-weilding guy is my colleague...in fact he recommended me to employers and I see him most days. Plus that couple get invited to just about every social gathering we get invited too, so to avoid them completely would mean my giving up my job and a whole circle of friends. I personally don't think he is a danger to us in public gatherings or at work. Hes very concerned with his reputation and weilding knives is not a habit of his.

Anyway we gave them as wide a birth as possible for a while. There have been plenty of apologies on knife-guy's part. But hes damaged his friendship with my bf for good.