Update on me, Georgia

Oh man, where do I start. I posted a while ago that I thought it was time to move on, that my relationship really did not have much of a future. Just as a quick, I moved to NYC from the south to be with my YM and I just have not been very happy here. My biggest complaint was that he did not put me first, that we did not do things together and that he seemed to want to spend too much time with his musician friends, playing 2-3 nights until 2-3 in the morning while I usually sat home by myself. Well, something really scary happened. Last Wednesday I ended up in the emergency room. I for over a month I was having on/off heavy bleeding. I was just tending to ignore it, thinking it was stress or the biginning of the "Change" or anything besides something serious. Turns out I was 9-10 weeks pregnant (never missed a period so I had NO idea) and it was ectopic (in my tubes). I ended up in surgery that night and lost one of my tubes. Well he was at the hospital the entire time and was really sweet and even stayed home all weekend after I came home. But this week, (less than one week since the surgery) hes back to the same ways. He has been out two nights this week so far, until 3 in the morning, and told me today he is going again tomorrow night. When I appear displeased he gets angry and defensive. I just think if he really loved me he would want to be with me during this time. I have to add, the preganany was not planned and the timing was not good so for me its been more of a physical trauma than an emotional one. It was a very very frightening event and it just reinforces my feelings that I am really alone in this relationship. My heart tells me I need to move on, that this is not gonna work, but I just needed to talk. Thanks for listening.
PS: One great thing about NYC is that they have some of the best doctors in the world and I do thank God for the wonderful care I got in the hospital!

I'm soooo sorry to hear that, Georgia. wow, what a rough time you are going through. This must be so hard. You sound like a really nice, intelligent person. I am sorry that your bf is not treating you the way you deserve to be treated.

((HUGS)) to you.

Hi Georgia,

You’ve come to right place for support because I went through exactly the same experience as you about 6 months ago. Frightening huh? I didn’t even know about ectopic pregnancies then! And suddenly I’m in the emergency ward having my stomach cut open hip-to-hip and bits of my reproductive system cut out. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve just been through this very painful and shocking experience too.

((hugs))..how are you feeling now? I was on tramil (a synthetic form of morphine for a month). It took me about a month before I could walk semi-normally again, and three weeks before I could work (and I really NEEDED to work or else I didn’t have an income). Its six months later and I’m still very cautious about what physical activities I take on. Its very serious stuff.

As for your bf, he kind of sounds like hes acting like a typical young guy, doing young guy things. He may be very selfish, but he may also be inexperienced when it comes to relationships and the needs of women, and capable of a lot better behaviour. The only way to find out is to clearly communicate your needs right now (and in general), and their importance. Tell him exactly what you expect and need from him, firmly but lovingly. The way you communicate with him is very important, and you need to be respectful even though you’re feeling very let down. If he ignores your needs, then you have a total loser on your hands. But he may pleasantly surprise you…some guys simply need some instructions when it comes to relationships.

My bf is a bit of a natural when it comes to nurturing behaviour and empathy, so I was very grateful for his behaviour through the ectopic pregnancy and recovery. These are some of the things he did for me, which I hope will guide you when asking for support from your bf:

-Waited with me in the emergency ward and stayed by side right up until I was sent to the surgical theater (he cried when I was taken into surgery). He waited around the hospital for hours until the operation was over and he knew I was safe, and came back early in the morning to spend most of the day with me in recovery.
-Brought me flowers and chocolate every day when I was hospital, and held my hand for as long as visiting hours permitted. His companionship meant a lot to me!
-Took time off from school and work for two weeks to look after me and take care of all the household duties
-Declined social invitations where I couldn’t attend due to my recovery from surgery( so I wouldn’t feel left out)
-Provided reassurance, and plenty of kisses and affection during the time we couldn’t make love after surgery (which was HARD because we were still in our honeymoon period).
-responds lovingly to the changes that have occurred to my body because of the surgery (weight gain, scars, and a misshapen stomach)

You DO need support, and frankly you’re bf is partly responsible for your situation. I hope that you have the courage to ask him directly for the support you need and that he responds lovingly. Please let us know how everything goes (and feel free to PM me if you want)

All the best, Bel

Georgia,

I went back and read some of your older posts....hmmm, it does sound like your bf is a bit of a tough case but its hard to make judgments as to why this is so. You wrote in previous posts that your communication is very nasty towards each other sometimes.....why is that? Does he push you to a point of frustration where you lash out, or are you both a little inexperienced in the `open communication' department?

Have you tried to frankly, lovingly, and considerately negotiate your needs with him (rather than simply putting on a sour face every time he goes out)? I don't know how selfish your bf is, but theres a chance that your bf is withdrawing out of fear of abandonment (because you don't like NY) and not really knowing how to negotiate his personal space needs in a live-in relationship. Both of these problems are common and resolvable, but the question is.....are you sabotaging this relationship because you really don't want to be in NY? Do you really want to commit to your bf?

Like I said, i don't know your bf, but I do have a bit of self-protective streak when I feel a lack of commitment from my partner. One of my first lines of defence is to spend more time with friends in preparation for being abandoned.

You really need to find out where your bf is at. And you also need to make a committment either way. I recommend a serious talk....

All the best!!!

Wow, Bella. Im sorry to hear you went through the same thing I am working through. If your expeirence was anything like mine, its a total whirlwind. I found out I was pregnant, found out it was ectopic and ended up in surgery all within less than 24 hours. Luckily, I was able to have keyhole surgery and just have three small incisions, although they did have to take my tube. Your relationship sounds great. You are very lucky. I just feel that my boyfriend was initially just going through the motions, like he felt an obligation to take care of me. We have been having trouble for a long time and before this happened I felt a seperation was immenient. I really feel like I can do better, or at least be on my own for a while and not have to feel like I am being rejected again and again. Its hard to talk to him about what I want and what I need. He gets very defensive and angry if he feels I am being critical. Or asking for something he does not want to give. I think he is very very inmature. We have been living together for two years and the amount of time he spends with his guy buddies has always been an issue and it just seems to be getting worse. I have come to believe he is trying to tell me something with his actions. It just made me feel sad that he does not really seem to care that much about what happened. Sometimes I wonder if he will even notice when Im gone. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew the exact date it happened. We have not been intimate in months. He tries from time to time, mostly when he has had a few beers but I have lost interest. I need to have more of an emotional bond and a partnership/friendship in order to feel physical. He says the reason our relationship is in trouble is because the physical part had declined so much. We just cannot seem to agree on anything anymore. I am just about ready to throw in the white towel.

Why stay?? Love is not the end all be all. I would never take that behavior. Maybe if we were married 10 years and he had a mid life crisis and we had kids together to think of. You have to have trust and respect and communication. What do you have?? A roommate? A sex partner? Leave him and stop the suffering you are putting yourself through.

You already have the answers within you To quote Glenda the Good Witch...as she said to Dorothy: "You've had the power all along"

My biggest complaint was that he did not put me first, that we did not do things together and that he seemed to want to spend too much time with his musician friends, playing 2-3 nights until 2-3 in the morning while I usually sat home by myself.
But this week, (less than one week since the surgery) hes back to the same ways. He has been out two nights this week so far, until 3 in the morning, and told me today he is going again tomorrow night. When I appear displeased he gets angry and defensive. I just think if he really loved me he would want to be with me during this time.
It was a very very frightening event and it just reinforces my feelings that I am really alone in this relationship. My heart tells me I need to move on, that this is not gonna work

Thanks everyone. Yall are so great!

You are right. He is old enough to settle down but I do not think he is ready. Thats his right, but I do not want to sit here and wait until he is. And yes, I do still have a friends house to go to. She keep asking me when I am going to be there. ONly it will not be on a plane, it will be in my VW with my cats! (She is not too thrilled about the cats, but even that is gonna work out, my mom has offered to take them until I get settled in my own place). ONe thing I want to say, if I leave, I am not leaving bitter or angry. It takes two to bring a relationship down and I have made my mistakes too. I just do not feel in my heart its meant to be, at least not right now.

Julie, I feel like I remember from previous posts that you are from the south too? I am not originally from Georgia, just lived there for 15 years before moving here. I grew up in Alabama. Boy, I miss the south! Take care!

AND I need to learn to proofread my posts before I send them. Why is it I only notice typos and grammar errors after I hit send???:)

Nope, not on your life, Georgia, you've done everything you could for this relationship and it sucked out, now its time for you to think about yourself. You've just gone through a horrific experience...I've never been through that but have had fibroids removed, and also had my gut open like a pig...and walking is the worse, not to mention going up and down subway stairs.

If he's not there to carry you on, what's the point, I can't believe you stucked it out 2 years...geez, do you really have that much time to burn on a man not worth his grain in salt.

Whether you made mistakes or not is besides the point...he's not doing one of the most important things in a relationship and that is cherishing you...regardless of our many nights he hangs with the boys...when he's home, you are to be treated as a pearl of great price that I'm sure you are.

So if you want to (no biggie), sure negiotate how you want to be treated for the last time...set a timetable and if he's not meeting his end of the bargain...turn your back on it knowing full well, you did your part and you loved well, no regrets, no looking back, no second thoughts. Good luck.

Paris
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect. It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

It's time to close the door on this chapter in your life, and open up another one. This relationship is over. You'll be much happier back home, where the people you know and love, and who care about you, will be there for you and you for them. I think when you leave, it will be more relief than it is painful.

The most important thing you no doubt got from this, is what you DON'T WANT. We are constantly growing and changing as humans, so let this be your metamorphisis, go home and change into the woman you want to be, and decide RIGHT NOW what you want the rest of your life to be like. There's no time like the present!:) This could be an exciting, new start for you. This is a time to make your life ALL ABOUT YOU, and really get back in touch with yourself and all the dreams you've had. Concentrate on those dreams, concentrate on loving yourself, make some goals that are realistic, and go for it! Spread your wings, and reach for the sky!

You know, Im actually thinking about going back to school. It seems a little strange at 44 to think about changing careers but the more I think about it, the more enthusiastic I get. I currently work in a really large corporate environment. Its not a bad paycheck but its really not emotionally rewarding at all. I push papers around all day. I am thinking of nursing school. I have to take a bunch of prerequisites before I can even apply to a nursing program but the good news is I have already applied and been accepted to two schools in Atlanta. Again just to take some necessary coursework, the nursing programs themselves are pretty competitive I understand, but hey, what have I got to lose. Has anyone else returned to and/or started college a little bit later in life. Just want to know how you found it to be, maybe being the older kid on the block so to speak.

Hi Georgia,
I just got through reading through your whole thread, and gosh, my first impression is that YOU arent getting much out of your relationship!!:( Your bf pretty much has it made - "has his cake and is eating it too!" so to speak. He has his musician friends he hangs out with ALOT and has you to come home to, KNOWING you'll BE THERE.

The thing is...you tried...you gave it a shot and thats about all you can do. You dont have the power to "make" him change. If he loved you like he is supposed to, he'd do it all on his own, he'd WANT to. Just look at what BellaD said her bf did while she was in the hospital. But he did all those things because he WANTED to, not because she asked him to.

So like my friend Julie said, pack up that VW, cats and all and get yourself back down south lol;) Go back to school, become a nurse, do what YOU want to do for a change. The right person WILL come along, probably when you're least expecting it;)

Southerngal